Hello dear reader(s)!
Many Americans do not know, or misinterpret the first ten amendments to the Constitution, heretofore known as the Bill Of Rights. As we face ever-increasing division and tension in this country, it is more imperative than ever that we all know and understand the Bill Of Rights, so that when they are violated, we can go cry about it in our safe spaces.
To help in this endeavor, we once again welcome Joshua Wrenn, GED to explain what these amendments are, and interpret them in a non-biased way. He will first give the amendment, then a conservative and liberal view, and then the actual meaning as exists today.
Let’s all welcome Joshua back.
Josh: Welcome Joshua. What makes you qualified to speak about the Bill Of Rights?
Joshua: I’m a goddamned ‘Merican citizen, born and raised, motherfucker. That’s what. And don’t you think they asked me questions about the Bill Of Rights on my goddamned GED test?
Josh: I don’t know. Did they?
Joshua: Fuck if I know, man. That shit was years ago. I don’t remember. I didn’t even study. No classes for it back then. Just took the test, and BAM! GE-motherfuckin’ D.
Josh: Fascinating. Can we get started?
Joshua: I start when I’m goddamned good and ready. That’s in the Bill Of Rights!
Josh: No, it isn’t.
Joshua: Whatever, libtard. I’m ready.
Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the government for a redress of grievances.
Conservative view: You all are congress now. I get to say what I want, where I want, when I want, free from any consequences and if you don’t like it you’re violating my free speech and are a sissy, snowflake, liberal cuck. Unless you disagree with me and your protesting causes me inconvenience, in which case you need to be shot!
Liberal view: This includes civil disobedience too! And this means that government employees can’t be religious!
Actual meaning: Pretty much what it says.
A well regulated militia, being necessary to the security of a free state, the right of the people to keep and bear arms, shall not be infringed.
Conservative view: Me and brother Timmy are a militia! We should get anti-tank weapons too! Guns for everyone, and fuck learning how to use them safely!
Liberal view: Only states get to set up militias. No guns for you.
Actual meaning: This is the stupidest fucking sentence ever written. It is grammatically idiotic. One does not seem to equal the other to some, and to some it does. This needs explanation. A Supreme Court could interpret this, since that’s their fucking job. Maybe amend this amendment. At this point, it means what you want it to, if you’re on the court.
No soldier shall, in time of peace be quartered in any house, without the consent of the owner, nor in time of war, but in a manner to be prescribed by law.
Conservative view: Is this about guns? No? Who cares?
Liberal view: Well that’s good. I was very worried that the military may try to commandeer my studio for their headquarters.
Actual meaning: If a dude with an M4A1 is wanting to sleep in your house because shit is going down in your country, you probably don’t want to tell him about this amendment.
The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated, and no warrants shall issue, but upon probable cause, supported by oath or affirmation, and particularly describing the place to be searched, and the persons or things to be seized.
Conservative view: This amendment does not exist.
Liberal view: We wish this amendment still existed.
Actual meaning: This amendment may as well not exist.
No person shall be held to answer for a capital, or otherwise infamous crime, unless on a presentment or indictment of a grand jury, except in cases arising in the land or naval forces, or in the militia, when in actual service in time of war or public danger; nor shall any person be subject for the same offense to be twice put in jeopardy of life or limb; nor shall be compelled in any criminal case to be a witness against himself, nor be deprived of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law; nor shall private property be taken for public use, without just compensation.
Conservative view: Too many rights for criminals!
Liberal view: All I know is I get to invoke this to not answer questions because I saw it on Law and Order.
Actual meaning: Legal rights. Get a lawyer to work these for you.
In all criminal prosecutions, the accused shall enjoy the right to a speedy and public trial, by an impartial jury of the state and district wherein the crime shall have been committed, which district shall have been previously ascertained by law, and to be informed of the nature and cause of the accusation; to be confronted with the witnesses against him; to have compulsory process for obtaining witnesses in his favor, and to have the assistance of counsel for his defense.
Conservative view: But, budget cuts!
Liberal view: But, budget cuts!
Actual meaning: Nullified due to budget cuts.
In suits at common law, where the value in controversy shall exceed twenty dollars, the right of trial by jury shall be preserved, and no fact tried by a jury, shall be otherwise reexamined in any court of the United States, than according to the rules of the common law.
Conservative view: Wait, so I can get a jury trial for my neighbor not returning my garden hose?
Liberal view: $20? I mean, don’t we adjust for inflation?
Actual meaning: Pretty much what it says, oddly enough.
Excessive bail shall not be required, nor excessive fines imposed, nor cruel and unusual punishments inflicted.
Conservative view: Too many rights for criminals!
Liberal view: Could you imagine if this amendment was adhered to?
Actual meaning: Since excessive is not spelled out, this is pretty much meaningless. Entire governments are almost totally funded on bail and excessive fines.
The enumeration in the Constitution, of certain rights, shall not be construed to deny or disparage others retained by the people.
Conservative view: What’s an enumeration?
Liberal view: I am a person and I have rights I make up so just because it isn’t listed here doesn’t mean you can violate them!
Actual meaning: If rights are listed elsewhere, but not here in this document, that doesn’t mean that they are no longer valid, boneheads.
The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor prohibited by it to the states, are reserved to the states respectively, or to the people.
Conservative view: State’s rights! Except in cases of marijuana and other things we think are bad!
Liberal view: Power to the people!
Actual meaning: This is kind of bullshit, because the Supreme Court will find for the federal government because of the Commerce Clause. An example would be when marijuana is seized within a state that legalized marijuana by the federal government and the Supreme Court says that because the marijuana “could have” entered the larger interstate marijuana market, that federal marijuana prohibitions trump state laws because the federal government can regulate interstate commerce. In other words, the Supreme Court will interpret this amendment out of existence any chance they get.
So there you have it, dear reader(s), The Bill Of Rights. Confused? Don’t worry, that just makes you an American.