Ritual Writing

‘Ello dear reader(s)!

So I’m writin’ a bit of a Beltaine ritual, see yeah, and I got me a bit of an issue…

My mind is clouded by something else.   I am excited to do this here ritual, but my mind is definitely elsewhere.  Every time I try to focus, the thoughts are just piercing through like needles through flesh.

Anyway, the other big problem is that the participants in this here ritual are of many different paths in the whole pagan umbrella, so I am doing my best to keep it as friendly as can be to all, while still maintaining some element of the spiritual.

Speaking of which, did you know that a pagan umbrella is really great for keeping your clothes dry?  I didn’t even know umbrellas really have beliefs, so that came as a shock to me too.

My path is so eclectic, that I know I will be incorporating different bits of my favorites.  Some of the stricter followers of opposing paths may be put off by those, but I will try to include a bit of others to balance.   Some might think I am appropriating their practices, and they would be right.  Given that no definitive proof of any of these specific practices exist to ancient times, anyone who wants to lay claim to one thing or another is full of shit.  Every culture, every path, has certain ways of practicing.  So if they have an issue with it, they can suck it.

The group I am writing this ritual for is not a coven, and really hasn’t done rituals in the past.  We just gather to celebrate the Sabbats and talk with people of similar mindsets.  However, there have been enough requests for something, that I have chosen to volunteer.  I am still, slightly nervous about offending.

Of course, every one of every path there will be welcome, and I hope nobody feels compelled.  I think I will disclaim that anything they do not like they can be silent for if they still want to participate, or can decide not to participate at all if they so choose.  No judgment will be made, because we all know that isn’t our place.

I need to hurry up and get this done, so that I can send an advance copy onto the group administrator to ensure the racy innuendos aren’t too racy, and there is nothing too obvious that would offend the participants or the non-participants.

But I just can’t right now.  My thoughts can’t stay focused.  It’s as if my mind is tied open, waiting for the thoughts that keep invading my head to torture me once more.   Burning, searing into my consciousness.

Fucking Spring.

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Look! A Friday Blog!

Hello dear reader(s)!

Did you miss me?

No?

Fine!

I missed blog-type-thinging a little however, so here I am, post-type=thinging, on Friday!  Like I originally intended to do.  I might actually schedule time on Fridays to post-type-thing, but more likely I will just continue my random on-again, off-again posting style you all have come to know and detest.  Because I’m like, so totally random!  Now hand me my pumpkin spice frappuccino!

This morning, I am feeling awful.  I have been for a couple of days now.  My methods for attempting to feel better have failed miserably, so I miserably lie in bed typing this here post-type-thing wishing I felt belt better.

It’s okay though, I will feel physically better soon enough, however, and then…look out.

For what?  I am not exactly sure, but something.  Maybe ships at sea?  You decide.  Just look out.  I do not want to usurp your free will by telling you what you need to look out for.  In fact, to be completely transparent, even telling you to look out is probably overstepping my bounds.  So, I should ask that you please look out if you feel so inclined.

Okay, let’s see…what shall we talk about?

Oh, I know!

How about Mr. Bitter Beer Face, Alleged White Supremacist Terrorist Adam Purinton?

For those of you who don’t know, I live in the Kansas City metro area, of which Olathe is definitely a part.  In case you weren’t aware, some fucking idiotic terrorist Navy veteran, allegedly walked into a bar and allegedly shouted, “Get out of my country!” before allegedly shooting two Indian men and a white man trying to stop him because he allegedly thought they were Muslims and that would somehow allegedly justify it to all of the fucking pieces of shit who allegedly think it’s only a tragedy that they weren’t even Muslim.

Now, I only point out he was a Navy veteran, not to generalize veterans, but to combat the notion that because someone wore the uniform, that automatically makes them a good person and worthy of respect.  This piece of shit committed an act of domestic terrorism, not too far from where I live.  Can we please get over the jingoistic “support out troops and veterans at all costs” brainwashing we have had to endure?

While we are on the subject of brainwashing, let’s talk about Trump voters.

Is America great yet?  

How is that working out for you so far?  Got that great job yet?  I know it’s only been a month, but you all were blaming Obama for things that happened before he even took office.  So, why isn’t America great?

I am going to go off an “I told you so!” rant now.

I know someone with a business in legal cannabis.  He voted for Trump.  I warned him.  Over and over again I said that a Trump administration would be against it.  He argued and argued.  Didn’t believe me one bit.  Told me that I was being brainwashed by the mainstream media.  He said Trump wouldn’t go after it because of states’ rights.  Then Sessions was nominated and confirmed.  And yesterday, just as I suspected, in Trump and company’s desire to further entrench the police state, his mouthpiece Spicer announced that we should expect enforcement of federal anti-marijuana laws.  Now, I haven’t used cannabis since I lived in Washington because I am paranoid about ending up in a for-profit prison doing slave-labor.  That said, I still think it should be legal, even though this won’t really affect me.  I really hope he gets to keep his assets.  I really hope he isn’t raided and put in prison.  If it happens to him, or other Trump voters, well, it’s on them.

Also, for those of you who believe Trump’s falsely inflated crime numbers, just wait until we have a real drug war again with cartels controlling something millions of Americans create a demand for.  Good luck stopping that with your little wall.

I also had an argument with someone over the future of Social Security and Medicare prior to the election.  I warned that with a Ryan as Speaker, and Trump in the White House, the programs would be drastically cut, to the point of being almost useless.  This person told me the programs were too sacred and it would never fly.  And yet after the election, the only bill put forth to extend the life of the Social Security Trust Fund that wouldn’t need extending were it not previously raided, is to cut benefits without lifting the payroll tax cap.

Trump and his jackbooted ICE agents (Schutzstaffel) are rounding up illegal immigrants in unheard of numbers.  How is that working out for you?  Do you feel safer when the Brownshirts come to a hospital to remove a woman with a brain tumor?  Does it make you feel safe when the Brownshirts raid a court to detain a woman seeking a restraining order from an abusive partner?  How about knowing that the tip came from her alleged abuser?  How is that fucking great?

Is it great that the obsolete coal industry is allowed to dump their ash into our fucking drinking water?

Small business owners, are you experiencing record profits with all those barriers to your business taken down, or have those executive orders not benefited you yet?

Is it great that other nations have to debate whether or not to rescind an invitation by their Prime Minister for a State Visit?

Is it great that the severely mentally ill can buy firearms?

Is it great that the Arizona Senate passed a bill allowing for the seizure of assets of protest organizers if those protests should turn violent even if they weren’t planned to be?

Is it great that Steve Bannon said that many of the cabinet nominees were specifically selected to destroy their respective agencies?

So, please, tell me…

Is America Great Again?

Maybe by next Friday…

 

 

 

 

MyThursdayPost

Sandalwood remained in the air for days after she was last in his arms, only serving to make it even harder for him to think about anything else.  He was doing his best to distract himself from his thoughts of her, but was failing miserably.  Despite his miserable failure at self-distraction, he was far from miserable.

He was ecstatic to be missing someone so greatly.  He knew she would return to him.  The emptiness he felt in his arms was just a side effect of the anticipation and excitement he felt for the next time they were together.  And the time after.  And the time after that.  He started to look at the things he knew were upcoming, and to imagine her there by his side.

Their chemistry was incredible, but there was so much more than that.  She was a friend.  She understood him, and he understood her.  They matched each other or complimented each other in every matter of importance they had so far come across.  They had their own unique take on things that didn’t conflict with the perspectives they individually held so dear.

So yeah, I can’t wait to see her again.

Anyway, my appointment yesterday sucked.  I basically paid $40 for another referral.  Good thing I got referred to him, and not the people he referred me to.  So ridiculous.  My records were already there.  He already knew he wanted to refer me to other doctors (a good idea), but why not call me and cancel the appointment first, and set up the referral?  So he could bill my insurance, and get my co-pay, that’s why.

I have a terrible stomach ache.  It is better than yesterday and the night before, but it still hurts.  I’m sure whoever I end up talking to about it will refer me to another specialist who might refer me to a different specialist who will do nothing.  I’m so motherfucking sick of the healthcare system in this country, and Trump hasn’t even gotten his grubby, tiny hands on it yet.

On a related note, I wanted to say goodbye to all of you, since the likelihood of all life on Earth ending increases exponentially starting tomorrow.  I will likely say goodbye on all my posts, just in case.

I’m about to reschedule my therapy appointment.  I had to cancel due to the last time the roads were too icy, and delayed reschedule until after the ice storm that never came.  The extended forecast looks good, so I think I will try again.  I could really stand to get some things off my chest, like this shirt, because it is party time!

I got laundry done today, so that was nice.  I wasn’t supposed to be in town today, but something happened that required postponement of the plans I had made.  It is a good thing, not what happened, but that my plans were postponed, since I am feeling kinda cruddy and needed the rest.

Then I penned this letter to my family…

Dear family,

We have just returned from a trip into a few blocks away in Missouri where we got big amounts of everything to eat and everything we eat is so good to me as I had been starved out so long on protein powder, all that we got while we were here besieging Independence.  Over there we got sweet potato fries, chickens, molasses, and Peach Nehi.  How I do wish I could be at home now, for it is getting late in the afternoon and the General says that we shall attack at Dawn.  This makes me sad, as Dawn always seemed rather nice, and is a good dish soap.  The enemy still holds their positions in Independence, and we have now returned from our trip and taken the high ground above them near a car lot.  You must excuse this letter as I have written in great haste.  The General wants me to wear my assless chaps to her tent again, and be there in 5 minutes.  My love to you and all, except for Amy, because she’s a bitch.  Write when you can, and make it a long letter, because I’m anxious to hear from you.  Oh, and send money.  

Ellis Albert Swearengen (Just kidding, C-NT!)  

Anyway, yeah, today is a nice rest day.  I hope you are all well.  I miss you.  Say hi to Margaret and the kids.  Tell them that their father asked me to look after them because he didn’t make it back from Independence, but I declined, because they are rotten bastards!

 

 

 

Real Resolutions

Happy New Year, dear reader(s)!

I have mentioned before that I’m not a huge fan of making New Year’s Resolutions.  I don’t have a making New Year’s Resolutions jersey or foam finger.   But what I do have are a particular set of skills.   Oh no, wait.  Wrong line.

But since I’m feeling particularly well and would like to keep feeling this way in particular, I’ve decided to go ahead and make a few, and share them particularly with you, for your education, entertainment, and enlightenment.

So, I present to you, in no particular order except that which I typed out, my real New Years resolutions.  Particularly real in that I may actually accomplish them.

  1. Go to the grocery store at least once this year  Done already.  I feel so accomplished!  Fuck yeah, this year is going to be great!  I am going to rock these!  I can do anything I set my mind to, provided the things I set my mind to are really easy.
  2. Write a blog post this year  Okay, I am part way finished with this!  Awesome!
  3. Sit on the couch  Wow!  I am doing great!!!!!
  4. Masturbate this year  I am not going to tell you if this has been done yet or not, but it is a near certainty this resolution won’t be an issue.
  5. Do my best not to stress about people who don’t see my full awesomeness  Um…well…I did say do my best.  So, I am!  Could my best be better?  That is none of your damn business!
  6. Meet more people  Plans already made.  So what if those people are doctors and their staff?  They are people too.  #DoctorsAndStaffArePeopleToo
  7. Smile  I have done it a few times already!  I’m ahead of my goal!
  8. Pet my cats  I’m unstoppable!
  9. Treat myself  Does a venti white mocha count toward that?  I think it does.  That’s right, I am rocking this New Year.  Dick Clark ain’t got nothing on me!
  10. Become independently wealthy, enter a happy, fulfilling long-term relationship with the woman/women of my dreams, purchase my dream home, write and publish a few bestsellers, grow B cells, improve all functions of my health, travel the world, buy a fleet of new vehicles, a private jet, all the other things I like, lead a successful, peaceful revolt restoring freedom and democracy to all, and make worldwide legalization of cannabis a reality  Fuck.  Well, 9/10 isn’t bad.

Happy New Year, everyone.  I hope it really is so far.  Mine is pretty good, but I am tired from staying up late last night, partying by sitting in front of the TV with my cats, talking to my roommates as we attempted to keep each other from drifting off before midnight.

Did you do anything fun?  Would love to hear about it!

Unbalanced

Hello dear reader(s)!

Remember that post from last night, where I was all happy?  Well, that lasted about two hours.  Now I am going to call around to therapists (something I have needed to do anyway, but have been putting off).  Of course, I could really use therapy right now.

I’m not going to get into what changed.  It’s not really important and involves other people and the effect I allowed them to have on my happiness.  I don’t blame anyone but myself for the way I’m feeling.

However, I think I need to be clear about something for future reference:  I have been through a lot.  Most people already know that, but there is more to my life than I share.  I will get to a place where I am happy again whether I am alone, or not, just like I was before.  But I will always be a sucker for feelings and connection, and unless that is a disorder that my therapist can diagnose and treat, I always probably will be.  I would think I am an idiot for believing in love like that, but I did have it before.  Because of that, if you come to me and we connect, and plans are made, and things are said, I am going to believe you.  So all I ask, for anyone who ever may be interested in me again, (should that ever happen), is that you make sure you mean it all, and plan to follow through.  Because every time I am built up to be let down, it just makes me sink lower.  And there is only so far down someone can go.

Thanks for reading.

Nonfiction

Hello dear reader(s)!

I was going to write a story today.  I have one in mind.  I think it will be pretty good, but of course, it all depends on how I write it.  The story will be fictional, but like most of my fiction, I am sure that people will read into it and figure it is about them.  That used to bother the hell out of me.  In fact, just up until a couple stories ago.  Now, I just don’t care.  If people want to project the feelings they wish I felt, or they hope I don’t feel onto the characters I write, so be it.  If they think every love story I write is about them, or every harsh story is a reflection on them or me, or every event mirrors a real event in my life, that says more about them than it does about me.  Let them have that.

I’m not in the mood to write a story today.  I’m not feeling creative at all.  Despite the fact that I am physically feeling better (minus the headaches), I woke up this morning with some crazy anxiety, and feeling rather down.

Now, with my Generalized Anxiety Disorder, I don’t really need a reason to be anxious.  It can come from nothing, and usually does.  This time around, I know exactly why I am anxious and down.  There are a few reasons, really.  So for all of you who are so desperate to know what is happening in my life, that you read too much into my fiction, here is what is really going on…

  • It’s gloomy, cold, windy, and is supposed to be below zero tomorrow  Add to that some freezing rain coming, and it isn’t exactly the weather where you want to go for a nice little walk among the nature you so desperately crave.  I understand that it is basically winter (although not technically), but I feel like I am getting Seasonal Affective Disorder.  It would be one thing if it was April and I was counting down the days until warmer temperatures and sun, but we haven’t even really started yet.
  • These fucking headaches  It is really hard to stay in a good mood when you are in constant pain, especially when that pain is in your head.  It’s great that I can swallow again, that I can breathe, and that I no longer feel like I got hit by a truck, but if you could just go ahead and remove the vice from my head and quit stabbing me in the temple, that’d be great.  Thanks.
  • Isolation  I fucking hate it here.  Not because I think that the area may be the source of my headaches.  Not because getting in to see a specialist is a major pain in the ass.  Not because of all the Trump supporting, racist, Christian fundamentalist, ignorant assholes, but because it is obvious that my people are elsewhere.  It is because of how fucking alone I feel.  I’m not the most extroverted person in the world, but I do need some level of human interaction.  Not being able to work, means that I have to rely on my friends and family for that.  I probably bug the shit out of them with my texts and things.  And even when they have a minute or two in their busy lives to talk and respond, it just isn’t the same as being face to face with someone who actually wants to share their time with you.
  • Future plans  My income is not enough to make it so that I can afford to live on my own in any place I want to be.  I know that I can not and do not want to stay here for more than the term of my lease.  I might want to buy out early, but that would take a large chunk of some of my money that I would rather spend on other things.  Once I do leave, I will need a place to go.  And as much as I love them, I really, really do not want to live with my parents again.  Nor, I am sure, do they want me to live with them either.  My best bet would be finding a roommate, who is okay with cats, and isn’t a psychopath.  Easier said than done.
  • Relationship issues  I’d say about a month ago, I was talking to a friend of mine in what seemed like a really good conversation at the time.  I was smiling and laughing throughout the conversation and it just genuinely felt good to be having that conversation with her.  But something she said kind of caught in my mind.  I didn’t really pay any attention to it until after I ended the call.  Since then, it has been bothering me, but I haven’t really gotten the chance to bring it up.  So it sits, gnawing at me.  I have another friend, who I think is going through a hard time right now.  I want to be there for her, and care for her, but she isn’t physically near, and is so independent that I get the feeling she wouldn’t want my help even if I could carry some of her burden for her.  It hurts me to know those I care about are hurting, and there is really nothing I can do about it.  I’m also having a very hard time letting her know I care and don’t plan to go away just because she isn’t feeling her best, and giving her the space she might need.

There you have it dear reader(s), a real nonfiction post you don’t have to read into.  After reading this pity-party, I’m sure you can understand now why I occasionally write fiction.

 

 

Important Life Lessons

Hello my dear reader(s)!

My Dobson is home and doing well.  We have to give him twice daily pills, but otherwise it is like he never got sick.  This whole experience has taught me very valuable lessons, or helped me to remember some of the ones I had previously forgotten.  With that in mind, in order to educate, enlighten, and entertain you, my dear reader(s), I will now share some of them with you because you can’t stop me unless you just stop reading but then you wouldn’t be dear reader(s) at that time, now would you?  Nanny nanny billy goats!

  1. Get pet insurance  If you have pets.  If you don’t, I suppose there is no good reason for this.  You can if you really want to, but at that point you likely have too much money and should think about donating some of it to charity or something rather than wasting it on a pet insurance policy for pets you don’t have.  Emergency vet bills have practically tripled since the last time I needed to take an animal to an emergency vet.  It was worth every penny, but I am not exactly feeling happy about the financial implications of this transaction.  What we should do, is be voting for politicians who want to make universal pet healthcare a right.  You know, after they finally realize it should be for people.
  2. Show your love  I didn’t really need this reminder, but some of you probably do.  I will however say, that I am less hesitant to tell Dobson to either lay down or get the fuck off my lap since he has returned.  You don’t ever want the last thing you say to a soul you love to be something pissy.  Unless pissy is their name or something weird like that.  But why would you name a soul pissy?  Well, people named their kid North West, so I guess it is what it is.
  3. Appreciate those who love you  It’s easy to be there for someone when they are all sunshine and rainbows.  When things are fun, everyone wants to be a part of it.  But sometimes things are shit and you need someone who wants to wade through the fly covered swirling mass of excrement with you.  When those people present themselves, let them know how much it means to you.  Try not to show your appreciation with unsolicited naked photos.
  4. Make sure to make your cat a burrito  If you do not, they will slip out of the bottom of the towel when trying to shove the pills into their mouth.
  5. Take some “you” time  Sometimes you just need to withdraw during times of stress and masturbate be alone.  Do not feel bad or guilty about this.  You have to take care of yourself so you are well enough to take care of others.  Your true friends will join in understand.
  6. Get plenty of rest  You will be tempted to not sleep in case you get a phone call that makes you need to rush down to the vet at any hour.  But if you do not sleep, should that 3 am phone call come (not the nuke phone call, that’s different), you need to be rested enough to actually make it to the vet’s in one piece.  Plus it will prevent you from the constant spinning thoughts of worry that suck every last drop of happiness from your life that you can’t fully be present in because you just can’t stand what might happen so you pick at your skin and pull your hair and grind your teeth down to little nubs as you shake uncontrollably and oh my god, they’re coming to get me.
  7. Eat  Eating can help release stress-relieving endorphins that can help relive your stress by acting on the stress-relieving endorphin receptors in your stressed out brain thereby releasing some of your stress through the power of stress-relieving endorphins.  Mmmm, doughnut.  Stress-Relieving Endorphin flavored doughnut.
  8. Exercise  Because too many stress-relieving endorphin doughnuts will actually cause stress on your body rather than relieve it without mitigating some of that stress-relieving calorie intake.  Exercise has also been shown to release stress-relieving endorphins.  For a great stress stress-relieving exercise program, see #5.
  9. Laugh  Sometimes in the middle of a stressful situation, you can lose sight of the fact that life isn’t all one big grey cloud of suck.  Laughter can help you remember.  While not the best medicine, it is complimentary to many other medications that are good when specifically indicated for the ailment you intend to treat.  Side effects of laughter include dry mouth, watery eyes, inability to control facial muscles, abdominal contractions, and weird noises.  With laughter, you can get back to you again.  Ask your doctor is laughter right for you.
  10. Cry  It’s okay.  Not everything is funny.  Not everything is easy.  You can cry sometimes.  You are not less of a person for being vulnerable on occasion.  Cry, get it out, and then suck it up, buttercup, and fight through.  Whiner.

These valuable life lessons have been brought to you be Dobson, multi thousand dollar vet bills, good friends, good family, and the letters F & U.

Hope you all have a great Sunday.