Hello dear reader(s)!
Well, what the fuck can I say? This has been a year.
I have no idea what kind of year, other than a really fucking eventful one that somewhat resembles a rapid cycling bipolar demon on meth.
Anyway, I am having trouble deciding how I will remember this year. On the one hand, I met my love, who I am certain I was literally destined to be with, and on the other…. our country fell to fascism.
My health has both improved and regressed.
I have become both more generous and selfish with who I am generous to.
Up and down, up and down, up and down. It’s like we are all getting roughly fucked by this year to the point where at times, it hurts too much to enjoy it.
2017 has been about rediscovering me, what matters to me, and being me without apology. In that rediscovery, I feel I have grown.
My lovely fiance, has been the driving force behind much of that growth. She saw me, and loves me, and so she is helping me be much more me. With her, I feel better about myself (with the exception of my health), than I ever have. Her love of those aspects of me I was always a little ashamed of or feared judgment about have greatly improved my self-opinion. I hope I have helped her grow as well, as I see and love all sides of her, hidden or not, light or dark.
The biggest thing that I have learned this year, is that I just don’t belong. I belong with my fiance. I belong with some family. I belong with a chosen small group of friends. I belong with the few like-minded people who have no taste for the fucked-up way our society works. Trump’s election, while a catastrophe, did serve to cause me to stop trying to fit in with so many people in this goddamn backwards country and only bother trying to hold or maintain relationships with those who I consider my tribe. Us weirdos, who are only weird because we don’t choose to so willingly conform to the expectations of a failing society.
I am getting better at brushing off the negativity of those who still believe that misogyny and racism make a geographic region great. I am getting better at ignoring the notion that people are successful if they drive a certain car or make a certain figure at the job they work in order to support the family that they lose connection to while working too much to provide for that family. I am getting better at rejecting the advice of people who never really seemed as happy as I have been, or who have no idea what I have been through, or have been actively responsible for the terrible life choices I have been presented with.
In 2017 I realize that anyone who has an issue with me, has never walked in my shoes. And when I think of how fucked up they are, despite their advantages, their lack of catastrophic illness, and not having to face even one-tenth of what I have faced but still feeling like maybe I have my shit better together than they do in what actually matters to me, well, 2017 is the year that says I am glad they have issues with me, because I have issues anyone who thinks they have some clue how I should behave.
It occurs to me, that I never wanted the life that was taken from me anyway. I never wanted that 40 hour a week office job that created nothing but profits for a behemoth conglomerate exploiting my labor so that I can stress myself to a heart attack while missing out on life. I never wanted that plan that was predetermined for me. Maybe I knew somehow, that it wouldn’t be possible anyway. But more likely, I knew I was never cut out for a life resembling most people, because from an early age I knew most people were fucking miserable.
My biggest regret is ever being swayed away from myself in the first place. I only ever wanted a creative life since I was young. But my generation was pushed so damn hard into academic, paper-pushing jobs that were all downsized while we were in school anyway. Now that I am disabled, somehow getting lucky from selling some creative work is the only chance I have to really generate any wealth that is available to me. And given that people who work for other people haven’t really been able to generate their own wealth in decades without property gambling… it seems as though more creativity is also the only chance for many others who aren’t physically unable to hold a “normal” job. The problem is, if I had been able to devote more time and effort to creative pursuits than to the useless paper chase that was school, that long-shot chance of getting lucky selling something creative would be much less long. I must admit, I am still deeply resentful that I was purposefully steered toward a life that could only bring mediocrity in the best of circumstances.
I shouldn’t have listened. I never should have conformed to what others wanted from me. I wish it didn’t take me so long to realize that. 2017 is not the year that I should have figured out that I can’t stand the thought of being anyone but me. Oh well, better late than never.
I am excited for 2018. I am ready to live next year with both middle fingers extended to those who try to tell me how to live it.
Featured Image by By Dan Bennett from Seattle, USA (DSC_2046 Uploaded by X-Weinzar) [CC BY 2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0)%5D, via Wikimedia Commons