Hello dear reader(s)!

Well, what the fuck can I say?  This has been a year.

I have no idea what kind of year, other than a really fucking eventful one that somewhat resembles a rapid cycling bipolar demon on meth.

Anyway, I am having trouble deciding how I will remember this year.  On the one hand, I met my love, who I am certain I was literally destined to be with, and on the other…. our country fell to fascism.

My health has both improved and regressed.

I have become both more generous and selfish with who I am generous to.

Up and down, up and down, up and down.  It’s like we are all getting roughly fucked by this year to the point where at times, it hurts too much to enjoy it.

2017 has been about rediscovering me, what matters to me, and being me without apology.  In that rediscovery, I feel I have grown.

My lovely fiance, has been the driving force behind much of that growth.  She saw me, and loves me, and so she is helping me be much more me.  With her, I feel better about myself (with the exception of my health), than I ever have.  Her love of those aspects of me I was always a little ashamed of or feared judgment about have greatly improved my self-opinion.  I hope I have helped her grow as well, as I see and love all sides of her, hidden or not, light or dark.

The biggest thing that I have learned this year, is that I just don’t belong.  I belong with my fiance.  I belong with some family.   I belong with a chosen small group of friends.  I belong with the few like-minded people who have no taste for the fucked-up way our society works.  Trump’s election, while a catastrophe, did serve to cause me to stop trying to fit in with so many people in this goddamn backwards country and only bother trying to hold or maintain relationships with those who I consider my tribe.  Us weirdos, who are only weird because we don’t choose to so willingly conform to the expectations of a failing society.

I am getting better at brushing off the negativity of those who still believe that misogyny and racism make a geographic region great.   I am getting better at ignoring the notion that people are successful if they drive a certain car or make a certain figure at the job they work in order to support the family that they lose connection to while working too much to provide for that family.  I am getting better at rejecting the advice of people who never really seemed as happy as I have been, or who have no idea what I have been through, or have been actively responsible for the terrible life choices I have been presented with.

In 2017 I realize that anyone who has an issue with me, has never walked in my shoes.  And when I think of how fucked up they are, despite their advantages, their lack of catastrophic illness, and not having to face even one-tenth of what I have faced but still feeling like maybe I have my shit better together than they do in what actually matters to me, well, 2017 is the year that says I am glad they have issues with me, because I have issues anyone who thinks they have some clue how I should behave.

It occurs to me, that I never wanted the life that was taken from me anyway.  I never wanted that 40 hour a week office job that created nothing but profits for a behemoth conglomerate exploiting my labor so that I can stress myself to a heart attack while missing out on life.  I never wanted that plan that was predetermined for me.  Maybe I knew somehow, that it wouldn’t be possible anyway.  But more likely, I knew I was never cut out for a life resembling most people, because from an early age I knew most people were fucking miserable.

My biggest regret is ever being swayed away from myself in the first place.  I only ever wanted a creative life since I was young.  But my generation was pushed so damn hard into academic, paper-pushing jobs that were all downsized while we were in school anyway.  Now that I am disabled, somehow getting lucky from selling some creative work is the only chance I have to really generate any wealth that is available to me.  And given that people who work for other people haven’t really been able to generate their own wealth in decades without property gambling… it seems as though more creativity is  also the only chance for many others who aren’t physically unable to hold a “normal” job.  The problem is, if I had been able to devote more time and effort to creative pursuits than to the useless paper chase that was school, that long-shot chance of getting lucky selling something creative would be much less long.  I must admit, I am still deeply resentful that I was purposefully steered toward a life that could only bring mediocrity in the best of circumstances.

I shouldn’t have listened.  I never should have conformed to what others wanted from me.  I wish it didn’t take me so long to realize that.  2017 is not the year that I should have figured out that I can’t stand the thought of being anyone but me.  Oh well, better late than never.

I am excited for 2018.  I am ready to live next year with both middle fingers extended to those who try to tell me how to live it.

Featured Image by By Dan Bennett from Seattle, USA (DSC_2046 Uploaded by X-Weinzar) [CC BY 2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0)%5D, via Wikimedia Commons





Real Resolutions

Happy New Year, dear reader(s)!

I have mentioned before that I’m not a huge fan of making New Year’s Resolutions.  I don’t have a making New Year’s Resolutions jersey or foam finger.   But what I do have are a particular set of skills.   Oh no, wait.  Wrong line.

But since I’m feeling particularly well and would like to keep feeling this way in particular, I’ve decided to go ahead and make a few, and share them particularly with you, for your education, entertainment, and enlightenment.

So, I present to you, in no particular order except that which I typed out, my real New Years resolutions.  Particularly real in that I may actually accomplish them.

  1. Go to the grocery store at least once this year  Done already.  I feel so accomplished!  Fuck yeah, this year is going to be great!  I am going to rock these!  I can do anything I set my mind to, provided the things I set my mind to are really easy.
  2. Write a blog post this year  Okay, I am part way finished with this!  Awesome!
  3. Sit on the couch  Wow!  I am doing great!!!!!
  4. Masturbate this year  I am not going to tell you if this has been done yet or not, but it is a near certainty this resolution won’t be an issue.
  5. Do my best not to stress about people who don’t see my full awesomeness  Um…well…I did say do my best.  So, I am!  Could my best be better?  That is none of your damn business!
  6. Meet more people  Plans already made.  So what if those people are doctors and their staff?  They are people too.  #DoctorsAndStaffArePeopleToo
  7. Smile  I have done it a few times already!  I’m ahead of my goal!
  8. Pet my cats  I’m unstoppable!
  9. Treat myself  Does a venti white mocha count toward that?  I think it does.  That’s right, I am rocking this New Year.  Dick Clark ain’t got nothing on me!
  10. Become independently wealthy, enter a happy, fulfilling long-term relationship with the woman/women of my dreams, purchase my dream home, write and publish a few bestsellers, grow B cells, improve all functions of my health, travel the world, buy a fleet of new vehicles, a private jet, all the other things I like, lead a successful, peaceful revolt restoring freedom and democracy to all, and make worldwide legalization of cannabis a reality  Fuck.  Well, 9/10 isn’t bad.

Happy New Year, everyone.  I hope it really is so far.  Mine is pretty good, but I am tired from staying up late last night, partying by sitting in front of the TV with my cats, talking to my roommates as we attempted to keep each other from drifting off before midnight.

Did you do anything fun?  Would love to hear about it!

New Year, Same Me

Hello dear reader(s)!

Happy New Year’s Eve (or possibly New Year’s in certain parts of the world) to you!  So even though I have said numerous times that this year wasn’t the worst year I have had, it certainly doesn’t mean it was very good either.  And now that I’m here on the last day of it, I can’t help wishing it a hearty “Fuck you!”  and a “Don’t let the door hit your punk-ass on the way out!”

There are some changes I want to make in the upcoming year.  I do.  Not because it is a new calendar year, but changes I have wanted to make for a while.  Seasons generally mark change for me; the calendar only plays a roll in that it is what society operates on.  However, since our society generally marks time by that calendar, it is easy to divide that time into chapters of your life.  And truthfully, I can’t wait to close the book on this fucking chapter.

But unlike every single person who decides their lives will magically improve at the stroke of midnight, I am under no such illusions.  I understand that things take time.  I understand that in any story, what happened in the previous chapter will often affect the current one, and will occasionally make an appearance later in your story even if you thought your protagonist had left whatever it was behind.  I understand that at the core of me, I will never change.  And for most things, I am okay with that.

So here are some things I am hoping for in the upcoming year, that I will work toward.  Understanding of course, that they may not be possible, and that I may change my mind as is my right under Article V of the Fuck You, This is My Life, So I Can Change My Mind If Want To Act of 1947.

  • Build A Wall  Not around our border with our Southern neighbor, but around my personal life and feelings.  I recently had someone on my Facebook tell someone I do not communicate with about my intent (not plan) to relocate at some point in the coming year.  I really should not have even had that person as a friend, as there have been other indications that person may not be someone who is actually a friend to me.  I was intelligent enough to finally unfriend that person, but I really should have done it long before.  I have bee trying to believe the best about people for too long, and it is something I really need to stop.  I need to see people for who they really are.  Additionally, I think that I am too trusting and I am sick of getting burned.
  • Relocate  I know where I want to go.  That may not be in the cards.  I do not want to stay here.  I’ve tried to give this place a shot, but between all the meth addicts, the road ragers, the angry white man butthurt Trump voters, and the fundamentalist Chirstians, I think it is time to look at seeking asylum elsewhere.  Plus I am certain my headaches are at least partially caused by living here, and the weather is shit.  The only issue here, is that it might actually be easiest and most affordable to buy a house and stay here, than rent anywhere I want to be.
  • Pay off debts  Even the ones I know I do not owe.  Principle is not worth the zero credit score.  I need to just suck it up, and take care of it.  There are one or two instances where I still will not pay and am actually considering going to state insurance commissioners with my EOB’s so that they adjust their billing to what they are contracted with the insurance company I had, but for the most part, I will probably just pay them to get them off my report.
  • Get in a position to be able to either work, or learn a skill so I may work again later  This one may not be possible.  It isn’t entirely up to me.  It would be best if my B cell line came in, but the likelihood of that happening is pretty low.  There is a possibility that regular infusions of IVIG antibodies could allow me to head off some illnesses, but there would still be the issue that I can’t get vaccines and would still become neutropenic a little too often.  In addition, some things just make it difficult for me, like the hearing loss, the vision issues, the fact I need to drink and pee constantly because of my low kidney function, the stomach issues, the headaches, the fatigue, the required shit-ton of doctor appointments, and then there is the mental health issues.  It’s a lot of challenges, but if there is a workaround I can find, I really need to.  Nobody can live on what I bring in, even with roommates, in too many places now.  Plus, it gets fucking boring and is too isolating.  To that end, I have a shit-ton of upcoming doctor appointments, so maybe we can address enough issues that I can figure something out.
  • Meet new people  Genuinely.  I don’t want more Facbook friends.  I want more genuine friends I can go and hang out with.  Or have over to play Cards Against Humanity.  Or cook for, since buying food for one person is virtually impossible.  People who share some of my interests and have their own.  People without personalities are so 2016.
  • Fuck.  A lot  I kind of want to get over my need to have a genuine connection with someone before I have sex.  I’m not sure I can, but I want to.  I want to go whore it up.   I want to find a new basement slave.  My last one got an attitude.  I want to be one for some other lovely woman.  I want to have a few more on the side.  Enough connections.  Enough feelings.  Enough heartache.  Those things were so 2016.

I have to go get an MRI today!  What a fun New Year’s Eve!  Do you have any plans for today?  Any changes you would like to make?  Would love to hear about them.

The Truth About 2016

Hello dear reader(s)!

I bet you can’t wait for 2016 to end, can you?

Neither can I, honestly.  This hasn’t been my favorite year.  But, this year was much, much better than some other years I have had.  Of course, I am not an iconic celebrity or member of an iconic celebrity’s family, so, maybe I am a bit biased.

But let’s take a look at this objectively, shall we?

David Bowie and Alan Rickman both died of cancer.  That really sucks.  Alan Rickman, in particular is a bummer for me because I loved pretty much everything he did and he really seemed like a class act.  David Bowie’s music was important to millions, and he was known for his charitable work as well.  They were both 69.  While that is a good decade off from the average lifespan, they still had cancer.  David Bowie had reportedly previously survived 6 heart attacks.  Not bad.  Given that worldwide cancer deaths are over 8 million annually, it shouldn’t be surprising that two iconic figures lost their battle with it in their late sixties this year.  Cancer fucking sucks, but it doesn’t suck more in 2106 than any other year.

Then there is Prince.  Prince, the musical genius who wrote so many songs you probably don’t even know he had a hand in, in addition to the ones he performed himself.  Prince, the tortured artist, known for his parties and wild ways.  Sucks that he is gone.  Of course, it really shouldn’t be surprising.  It wasn’t even his partying that killed him, it was an attempt to kill pain, and the likely difficulty of doing so in a safe and legal way.  Now, while I think that the term “epidemic” is a little far-fetched here, still there were roughly 15,000 deaths due to prescription overdose in the US in 2015, so it shouldn’t be too surprising that someone famous would fall victim.  After all, Michael Jackson also died trying to control his pain (or at least rest in spite of it) back in 2009.

Many other celebrities died this year.  I’m not going to list them all.

But Carrie Fisher.  That one really saddened me.  Of course it is also sad that her mother died of a stroke right afterward, but she was 84.  Carrie Fisher’s death upset me, not just because she was a favorite character, but because she was pretty bad-ass in real life.  Her advocacy for the mentally ill, and her critique of all the fanboys who were upset that she was not as attractive at her age as she was in their wet-dream fantasy slave-girl outfit was downright awesome.

But even with her, it really isn’t so shocking if you really think about it.  She died of cardiac arrest.  In the US alone, roughly 610,000 people die of heart disease every year.  It is the leading cause of death among both men and women.  When you consider that she was a self-admitted addict, who attempted to self-medicate her bipolar disorder with cocaine, it shouldn’t be too shocking that it may have caught up with her earlier than we all would have liked.

George Michael also died of heart failure.  There are also reports of him also having a possible drug addiction, and he has admitted to using on occasion.  Did that contribute?  It doesn’t really matter.  Heart disease, like cancer, doesn’t always depend on lifestyle.  It kills a lot of people.

While the world was weeping over lost celebrities, we were handing our governments to fascists.  While people were obsessed with the lives of stars and mourning their loss, many people were mourning much more personal tragedy.  Sons, daughters, mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters, wives, husbands, girlfriends, boyfriends, friends and acquaintances died, leaving a huge hole in people’s hearts.

The UN estimates that over 400,000 people have been killed in the Syrian Civil War since 2011.  Where are the internet memes about how awful these years have been because they were needlessly killed?  But they’re not famous, and they’re not white, right?

Look, it sucks to lose your heroes.  I get it.  Like I said, I was saddened over a few of these deaths myself.  But to treat this year like some kind of curse because the celebrities from the golden age of celebrity reached a vulnerable age or had other issues does a disservice to the genuine and very real preventable losses that people endure all of the time.  It does a disservice to all of those who were more personally affected by loss this year, preventable or not.

Your childhood is not lost.  You have memories.  You have the films or music that these artists made.  They continue to live on.  Don’t let the sadness you feel that they are no longer making great art distract you from what is really happening in the world.

The biggest problem with 2016 isn’t that all of these icons died, it is that it seems to be the only thing people actually care about.  It isn’t celebrity deaths, it is the celebrity worship in and of itself.  Celebrity worship that allowed a reality show star to win the Presidency.

If your 2016 sucked for other reasons, you have my deepest and genuine sympathies.  My own 2016 was not nearly as great as I was hoping it would be at the end of last year.  I made a few mistakes, I had a few false-starts on rebuilding some sort of life.  I have had a lot of frustrations.

But I also made some strides.  I accomplished a few things.  I survived…so far.  It’s not quite over.  And I got to know people who I sincerely hope remain in my life or become closer as we move into 2017.  It sure as hell beat 2015.

If you were personally affected by loss this year, my heart is with you.

May 2017 be a better year for us all, celebrities and non-celebrities alike.

Featured Image By Dan Bennett from Seattle, USA (DSC_2046  Uploaded by X-Weinzar) [CC BY 2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0)%5D, via Wikimedia Commons