The Day After Yesterday

It was 19:06 when the author began writing his post in this here blog-type-thing.  A cool, autumn breeze blew past his window, but he didn’t really care, since it was closed.  Despite that, the fact it was not shitty, hot, stupid fucking summer was evident even inside his house.

The author reflected on the events that happened to him, just the day before.  He reflected on the special breakfast, the good wishes, the special dinner, the gifts, and of course, the traditional Dia de Los Josh, pumpkin pie.  For a moment, he smiled.

The smile quickly faded as he remembered the horrors that also happened on that day.  The screams of the post-Halloween jack-o-lanterns still echoed in his ears.  Then the images.  Pumpkin guts everywhere.  Orange all over.  Seeds, strings, and pumpkin meat littered the cardboard spread on the ground.  First a claymore, then a machete.  And his own hands yielding the weapons of the pumpkins’ demise!

He racked his brain, trying to figure out what had gotten into him.  Why did he kill those innocent jack-o-lanterns?  Why did he have to cut them into so many pieces?  And…why, why did he want to do it again?  What was the reason for his pumpkin blood lust?

Suddenly, he remembered.  It was Dia de Los Josh.

He knew that one day every year, it would come…and it did.  Yesterday.  And the day after yesterday, well…we all know what that is.  It is that which shall not be named, because it didn’t really like all of the names we had picked out for it.  I really liked Bob, but its grandparents objected.  Wait…

What?

Oh yeah.

Hello dear reader(s)!

So life is good right now.  I am getting settled in the new place, and things have finally calmed down from the move.  We had an amazing Halloween/Samhain with more trick-or-treaters than I knew existed on this particular planet.  We had some pretty kick-ass decorations, and it was a lot of fun.  Then yesterday, my birthday happened.  I got some great and thoughtful gifts, and yes, a traditional birthday pumpkin pie.  For fun, we took the six pumpkins we carved for Halloween and destroyed them with my claymore and machete.  We then had to clean up pumpkin, but it was Loreal.  Because it was worth it.

Today was just very chill, but with some running around.  Nothing too exciting, just a good find at a local shop.  But that was really nice, because I am a little sick of too exciting right now anyway.  Chill is good.  Tomorrow I am hoping I won’t even have to leave the fucking house.

Anyway, just checking in to say howdy.  Things are calming down, and though I do intend to really get working on my book, I plan to devote a lot of time to writing now, so I may just be able to get back into a regular posting routine complete with regular posts and routines at no additional cost to you!  But wait, that’s all!

 

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A Good Day

Hello reader(s) of dearness!

Remember me?  No?  Probably for the best.

Anyway, I have to say that I think the wave might have finally broke, and things are going to get a little easier once again.  (You may applaud.)

Let me explain what all has been going on.

  • My health  It has been difficult ever since I got out of the hospital for the mild sepsis, or bacteremia, or whatever the fuck it was.  The last course of IV antibiotics that I had seemed to further set off my autonomic and peripheral neuropathy, causing a whole shit-ton of problems to get even worse.  Fortunately, I am now learning to adjust my life accordingly, and am also receiving treatment to try to keep out of the hospital.  Today, I got a lead on financial assistance for that treatment, which will help a great deal because even when I have the money, with that expense, it won’t last.
  • Being forced to move  Because housing and rental prices are through the fucking roof here, my fiance was forced to move because the owner of the house decided to sell.  This caught her off guard since it seems the owners bought the property for more than they can get for it now.  As such, there was not enough money for deposits saved.  Fortunately, I was able to take an early payout of some money that was already scheduled to be distributed to me, in order to avoid interest and fees on borrowing.  The hassle of trying to find an acceptable place in our price range was daunting, but we were able to find a nicer, larger house, for the same price that her previous model is currently renting for.  I love this house, and think it will be a nice place to call home for a time.
  • Registration issues  It seems every time someone moves a long distance, important documents get lost along the way.  So when my fiance went to get her registration done in this state, she realized that she was missing a document that our state requires.  Our state is shitty about it too, and her previous state is full of incompetent liars.  Her out-of-state registration was expiring, so she was not able to drive her vehicle.  Fortunately, my Beastess works great, and we have been utilizing it, but it sucks being down to only one car, especially when moving the last few items she has from her old house to our new one.  She rushed off, overnight, a letter and the fee to get a copy of that document, along with an overnight envelope, but the assholes in that state sat on it for 11 days before finally sending it back.  I just happened to have checked the tracking number today, and found it was delivered, just this afternoon.  She can now get her car back, and there is much rejoicing.
  • Government issues  I think the last time I posted, I was under Social Security Disability review.  Despite my paranoia about it, the government agrees that I am obviously disabled, and so my benefits shall continue.  (Even though the GOP might cut all that because they are scum sucking fuckpigs.)  Meanwhile, every single thing you see is some embarrassment to our country.  I really am just deciding that I need to find a way to live without any government at all, because I think that is where things are heading.  Of course, things would be different if I lived in a state that actually has programs, but I do not, and so fuck anyone who thinks I am not doing all I can, especially as they vote for the fuckers trying to take away what little there is.  At any rate, I feel more comfortable relying on my fiance, than I do a bunch of old, white, Christian conservatives who were born into money.
  • Miscellaneous issues  Between my cross-country move earlier in the year, moving into a former “friend”‘s house who wanted me to act more like a rent-paying house guest than a roommate – who then kicked me out when I stood up for myself, moving again, losing another “friend” who wouldn’t stop hitting on my fiance (and basically blamed me for stealing her as if she was ever interested in his married-ass anyway), having to give my cats to my mother due to primarily allergy and logistical reasons, and some other issues…this year has been a monkey-fucked donkey dick.

But this year has been pretty damn good too.

I met and got engaged to my lovely fiance.  I am absolutely stunned by the depth of our connection in such a short time.  Having her in my life has been amazing.

Even though we had to move, the house we are in now is like my dream home.  I love it.  We even found a couple spare hours (over the course of a few days) to decorate for Halloween.  I love the way it looks with decorations, and am really anticipating Christmas.

I have great friends that know and understand my limitations.  They do not make me feel bad when I can’t show up to most things, or cancel at the last minute.  They welcome me back anytime I am physically able to get together.

One of my friends surprised me by repaying a loan early, and in full, (rather than the payments we agreed upon), just when it was needed most.  Because when insurance sucks, medical treatment is expensive, and your income is peanuts, a large sum of money isn’t nearly as large as some think.  The timing was incredible, and breathing is now possible.

My cats are very happy with my mom, and I am so relieved.  They will always be my kids, even if they are now her kitties.  I am so grateful that she was able to take them, because otherwise I don’t know what I would have done.

And it is fall, and almost time for Halloween, Samhain (same day), and Dia De Los Josh!

Anyway, between getting the document, some work done to clean my fiance’s old residence, the news of possible financial assistance for my treatments, and just a general good feeling, I gotta say, today was a good day.

Struggling

Hello dear reader(s)!

I just wanted to let you know that I have attempted numerous times to return to posting.  I keep thinking there will be a better time but that time just keeps getting further and further out.

Everything I have facing me is probably nothing to a normal person.  There are more than enough hours in the day for me to believe that everything I need to accomplish should be able to get done and not send me into a tail-spin.  That is, if I was normal.

But I am not normal.  I am very damaged.  Both physically and mentally.

If I don’t feel awful physically (which is rather rare), I am probably in the midst of a covered anxiety attack.  Maybe some will even catch me in a full-blown panic attack.  Most probably won’t.  They take a look at me with my seemingly healthy body and the smile on my face and think I am fine.

It’s not that I try to hide the fact I am struggling, it is that sometimes I am genuinely happy to see people, so I smile.  Sometimes there really is fun going on in the middle of this shit-show and I just so happen to be relaxed enough to enjoy it.  Maybe, for once, my feet aren’t hurting so bad that they are making me reconsider my thoughts on certain medications.

Or maybe I just don’t want to bring them down too.  Nobody likes a Debby Downer unless they are laughing at the old SNL skit.

I have been trying to get help for how I feel physically for years.  I have been trying to get help for my mental illnesses, or disorders, or whatever the fuck you call them for years, too.  I have put myself into tremendous debt on a futile quest to get better.  That just adds to it.

I didn’t ask for any of this.  Contrary to the libertarian belief, there are some things you just can’t take personal responsibility for.  From getting a cancer that hasn’t been linked to any lifestyle practices, to being misled by doctors, to losing a career I was beginning to excel in, (or any ability for a workplace career again), to my financial issues, to constantly being made to feel like I am not a worthy human being for this society…I didn’t ask for one fucking bit of it.  It wasn’t my choices that brought it on.

I try as hard as I fucking can.  Harder than anyone I know.

I do my absolute best not to make people feel the way some have made me feel.  I let people know they are valued.  I’m not a fucking saint, but I try so hard.

I make mistakes.  In fact, I think much of my mistakes come from my good intentions.  Sometimes, I try too hard.  Sometimes, my attempts at keeping myself wanting to continue living lead me to make the mistakes I do.  But we all make mistakes.  Some of us don’t even try.

I’m tired.  I’m tired of trying so hard for people who will never accept me anyway.  I am tired of pretending that I can do this.  I am tired of pretending I know what I am doing.  I am tired of struggling against the force of the whirlpool that I have serious doubts I will ever be able to escape.

But what choice do I have?  Should I let myself drown and be as weak as those mocking me from the shore because they have never even been in the water?

I am tired.  I need help.  I AM struggling.

But I guess that is a good thing because struggling means I haven’t given up.

 

 

 

 

Friends, Romans, Countrymen, Dogs, Cats…

Hello dear reader(s)!

I am not writing my book right now.  My computer is getting too hot, and I have a feeling it might take a proverbial dump on me, so I have put off the writing of anything important to me until I can be more assured it will not be lost to the sketchy electronics in this crappy lovely computer.

On the plus side, my blog-type-thing isn’t important to me, which means I can write here until my computer is resigned to the big recycling heap in the sky.  (Recycle it?  Not with MY browsing history!)

So…where did we leave off?

I think we were nearing the meeting of O’Rinn and Alexandra at the battle of Lethos.

Surrounded by the bodies of his fallen enemies, O’Rinn was still feeling the effects of the adrenaline.  He knew if he did not find an outlet, the beast within would once again emerge.  He could not risk his allies from the East learning his truth.  He wanted to tear into someone, but all his opponents were dead.  His blood felt as if it were boiling and his muscles tensed tightly, causing him to look more animal than human.  Indeed, he was, but he knew that to be a secret best kept to himself.  He began his attempts at meditation.  He visualized his home by the rocky shores of the western ocean and attempted to feel the serenity and peace he felt when home.  

Out of the water, she came.  Her dark eyes, both deep and piercing, held his gaze as he looked upon her beauty.  Her raven hair fell onto her pale shoulders.   Her warrior dress seemed to emphasize each and every curve of her body.  Rather than calming the beast, this image of her seemed to only stir the fire within.  As she approached closer, he saw the blood stains she proudly bore upon her clothing, and the ocean scene faded away.  The desolate, bloody battlefield reemerged and still she came closer.  He realized he wasn’t imagining her with the ocean, but knew she was straight out of his dreams.  

“I am eternally grateful to you, great warrior,” she began as she touched his cheek with her fingertips.  “Our people surely would not have survived this onslaught without your courage and skill.”  

O’Rinn replied, “No need to be grateful, we of the Albion have a common enemy.  Nothing more, nothing less.  We are also grateful for your fighters, and especially a woman so brave as yourself.”

“Queen.” Alexandra corrected.  “And since you were clearly ignorant of that fact, I will not be offended that you did not kneel before me.”

“I kneel before no one,” O’Rinn stated with a slightly annoyed tone.

“Your poor lovers,” Alexandra answered as she looked hypnotically into his eyes.  “I am quite certain I will have you kneeling before me by nightfall,” she continued as she removed her hand from his cheek and brought it down to firmly grip his co-

Wait, what?  We didn’t leave off there?!?!!  You mean I hadn’t been posting this story all along?   Oh, well…what do you want from me?

I don’t want to write about current events.  It’s too depressing right now, and there are plenty of people with a much larger influence speaking to it all better than I can.

Life is pretty good, with the exception of health and wishing I were more financially secure, so that is nothing worth writing about either.

I could go into more details about my health, but I am still coming to grips with the reality that there is no getting better from this.  I had always thought that if I could just take care of X, Y, and Z, that I could resume a somewhat normal and independent life, and learning that there is no taking care of X, Y, and Z is a little hard to handle.  Symptom management with little results seems to be all I can do.  At least I won’t be wasting as much co-pays on different specialists who can’t do anything for me anymore.  It is too depressing to think about for very long.

I fell backward and stepped on my phone last week.   My replacement phone literally just arrived a minute ago.  It is amazing how much you don’t realize you use your phone until you don’t have one.  It is pathetic how much I have come to rely on it.  I mostly miss the camera.  It is hard to take naughty pictures while holding up my computer.  (Kidding.  It is actually easy to take naughty pictures using my computer.)  (Kidding, I don’t take naughty pictures*, unless you count taking pictures of the naughty food treats my fiance spoils me with.)  (*Subject to change based on finances.)

Anyway, I guess what I am saying, is that I am probably back for now, but might just write a bunch of stories because there really isn’t much I want to talk about and I am not yet at the point where I need to start camming in order to keep afloat.

I hope you all are doing well, and are enjoying the day of labor.

 

 

 

 

 

 

What In The Actual F-ck?!?

Hello dear reader(s)!

Guess who’s back?  Back again?  Josh is back.  Sorry.

I know I keep saying that I will post more consistently.  Then I post for a couple days straight, and drop off for like a week.  My bad.  I keep thinking I can actually manage this.  Lately however, I just can’t.  In fact, I literally can’t even.  Yes, one pumpkin spice frappuccino for McKenzie too.

So what in actual fuck, Josh?  Where you been?  Why the long face?  You’re not a horse.

Well, I’ve been here, mostly.  But I’ve been tired.  Tired as fuck.  In the world of fucked-up medical shit, we like to call it fatigue.  Actually, we like to call it napping, but tomato tomato.  I’m not going to call the whole thing off, however.  Anything you can do I can do better.  Anyway…

I’ve been furiously trying to figure out what the hell is wrong with me.  Between my GI symptoms, a few other ones, and the fatigue, I was getting scared.

Fortunately, my fiance (yup, I’m engaged), is a super sleuth and figured out what is going on that some really great doctors couldn’t figure out during literal YEARS of complaining.  (Literally.)  The tendency of doctors to look at individual symptoms as separate systems requiring separate specialists causing separate tests and separate co-pays and co-insurance amounts, caused them all to overlook something wrong that ties it all together and makes perfect sense given something else we already knew was wrong.  So now I know what the problem is, (besides run-on sentences) the only issue is that it seems to be one of those “tough shit, get used it” type of issues.  It is still somewhat comforting to know that I am not losing my mind, (well…totally, anyway), and there IS a physical reason for all of these issues.

Anywho, this is good news for my writing, as now I will likely be seeing less doctors to try to find something that isn’t there (That colonoscopy sure was shitty.  Get it?  Shitty?) and will be less likely to try to force myself to do things I can’t do.  That means more time at home, where a computer will likely be handy.

But…my writing may soon start to move away from this here blog-type-thing on a temporary basis.  I am going to begin considering beginning to plan the beginning of the study of whether or not I should begin to plan the beginning of the process for beginning to write my book, starting all the way from the beginning.  Good for my writing, bad for this here blog-type-thing.  Unless I get stuck, and decide to post in this here blog-type-thing as a way to break up the monotony, since Mono and Tony have drifted apart since becoming a Hollywood power couple anyway.

So now that y’all know what is up, I guess I should grace you all with one of my rants, y’all have come to know and despise.

Ready?  Okay!  Be aggressive, B-E aggressive!

YOU CAN’T BE A RACIST AND A PAGAN!!!!

You can, I guess, but you’re a fucking idiot and should call yourself something else.  In a system of beliefs of honoring many different Goddesses and Gods as a representation of the natural forces that created all, your superiority complex does not jive.  You know not of what you speak, you know not of what you claim to be, and if you show up to any of my pagan events I will personally cut your fucking heart out with my athame.

You are not welcome in my community.  You are not welcome near my path.  You should not be welcome anywhere on this planet, but not everyone has standards.  Fuck off, and die, you Nazi trash pieces of shit.  Tell your chosen Gods they can go fuck themselves if they support you.  (They don’t.)

If you are a pagan, and want more acceptance of your belief system, and less persecution from others, you need to be calling out these racist fucks trying to twist your path to justify their hate too.  Just because hardly any of the followers of the Abrahamic religions do it, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t too.  We need to tell these fuck-bags they do not have a home in our communities.  

On a happier note, I choose high C.  I think high C is a happy note.  Yes, if it is part of a minor chord, it could be sad, but the note itself is happy.  It is so happy, it 1046.502 hertz.

Okay, dear reader(s), that’s all for me.  Let’s recap what we have learned today, shall we?  No?  Too bad!

I will not be posting very consistently (big shocker, and nothing new), but for different reasons, and I hate my health.  Please refer any additional questions to my counsel, who doesn’t exist.

Finally, I will still try and read y’all from time to time, even when I am not posting, just because you is smart, you is kind, you is not really important since you’re just a tiny spec in this vast universe, but tell yourself whatever you need to sleep better at night.

Pagans Can Suck Too

Hello dear reader(s)!

Do you think all Christians like all other Christians or the things other Christians do?  Do you think all Muslims like all other Muslims and all they do?  If you do, I can show you actual wars that would suggest otherwise.

I am a Pagan.  I am an eclectic Pagan, who does not belong to a coven.  I do (when I can), belong to a group that celebrates the Sabbats together, however, we all have pretty different beliefs and ideologies.  The great thing about being a Pagan, is that most of us are not trying to convert each other into believing the same.

However, that isn’t to say that there aren’t things that other Pagans do that annoy the shit out of me.  It isn’t to say that there aren’t some Pagans who I wish would call themselves something else because I’d rather not associate with them.

So, because I like lists, for your education, entertainment, and enlightenment, let me list those Pagan-type people who annoy the living fuck out of me.

  1. Fucking racist Pagans  This is pretty prevalent in the Norse Pagan groups.  #NotallNorsePagans.  It, of course, is not everyone who is down with the legends of Odin, but substantially too many.  You aren’t superior, you’re not a fucking viking, and I saw your stupid asses on the news marching in Charlottesville today, and trust me, you look like fucking inbred hillbillies that couldn’t fucking lift a toy hammer, let alone carry Thor’s.  I hope you all die.  I’m not kidding.  See a Nazi, shoot a Nazi.  More on the hate crime and our inept President’s piss-ant response tomorrow when I calm down so I don’t say anything that could warrant a visit to my home by the Secret Service.
  2. Believe in anything just because it isn’t mainstream Pagans  If I hear one more thing about Mercury retrograde, I am going to do something that I haven’t quite thought of yet, but trust me, it will be bad.  Mercury never goes retrograde.  It appears to go retrograde.  There is no change in the gravitational pull from Mercury during this time.  Furthermore, just because Mercury was the Roman god of travelers and transporters of goods, does not mean that a planet appearing to reverse orbit (once again, it does not) will affect your travel plans or communication during this time.  Even if the orbit did reverse (it is an optical illusion), the gravitational effect on you from Mercury would be less than that of a car passing you on the street, given the distance you are from that planet.  Just because something is mystical and was once believed, doesn’t mean it still should be.  After all, some believed the Earth was flat, only fucking idiots like Tia Tequilia believe that now.
  3. Path conversion Pagans  Your path is not mine.  If you want to join a converting religion, why aren’t you a Catholic?  We can agree to disagree, no matter what the pope says.  If you need to beat people onto your path, your path is probably made up of horseshit.
  4. Lifestyle conversion Pagans  I am sex-positive.  My path is sex-positive.  A whole lot of Pagan paths are.  But not all.  Everyone’s path is different and that should be okay.  Additionally, many Pagan paths are cool with polyamory.  I am cool with polyamory, even though I am not polyamorous and am quite happy being monogamous.  If you aren’t cool with my monogamy, I am not cool with you.  So go fuck yourself, or your partner, or your group, or nobody.  Up to you.
  5. Lazy Pagans  These are the Pagans who like to preach things then do absolutely fuck-all about it.  For example, a while ago, my little city had its LGBTQ Pride Day.  It was fun.  A whole lot of major Pagan paths, and covens, are very vocal about supporting LGBTQ rights.  In most of the paths, it is pretty clear that joining the masculine and feminine energies are energies, and not necessarily males and females.  Indeed, many paths speak of the energies existing within everyone.  (Something I strongly believe.)  And yet, on the local LGBTQ Pride Day, did I see booths for Pagan groups and their covens?  Nope.  Didn’t see any in the bit of parade I watched either (though admittedly, I may have missed them if they marched since I didn’t see the whole thing.)  But do you know what I did see?  Christian churches (The ones who live by a book that calls a man lying with another man an abomination).   They marched with LGBTQ-friendly church banners, and had booths at the event.  If Chrisitans can show up in support when their own book dislikes something, maybe the people who think it isn’t a problem could show up too.
  6. Pagans who say one thing, and do another  Like the ones who constantly whine about not being taken seriously yet vote for Christian Supremacists.  Or the ones who deny climate-change.  “I love nature, as long as it drowns coastal cities and dries up crops.”
  7. Hollywood Pagans  (This doesn’t mean Pagans who might live in Hollywood.)  Guess what, I have also seen The Craft.  It’s actually a pretty decent movie.  I saw Practical Magic.  Less decent in my opinion, but taste is subjective, I guess.  I have seen Hocus Pocus.  Funny as hell, but not a guide to anything.  I also like Buffy, but I can guarantee you that Willow and Tara are not your typical Pagan.
  8. Light-only Pagans  It’s okay to get down.  It’s okay to embrace the darkness every once in a while.  And, in my opinion, it is okay to do what is necessary to keep someone from harming you.  While I do try to live according to the Wiccan Rede (even though I am not Wiccan), I will take leeway when harming someone is in my own defense or the defense of others.  This is my path, and if you take issue with it, maybe you should look more closely at yours.  An it harm none, do as ye will, but I guarantee you, I take no issue in harming a Nazi.
  9. Pick-up Pagans  As a male, who is attracted to females, I can safely say that I am usually in the minority in most Pagan circles.  There are often a lot of females around at any events I attend.  Many are single, and I would be blind to be unaware of this fact.  However, not once have I, nor should anyone else attend these functions for the sole purpose of hitting on other Pagans.  Sure, you may connect with a Pagan, (similar interest can do that), and maybe something will grow from there, but if you are using your Pagan status as a dating service, you’re just a desperate sleeze.  My love is a Pagan, but us getting together has more to do with seat belts than our spirituality.  That was like a bonus.
  10. Pagans of convenience  These are the Pagans who join up to rebel or be different, but really are not at all on a spiritual path.  They will drop out when faced with any pressure from the overwhelming masses who do not understand why anyone in this nation isn’t Christian, or at the first sign of hardship in life.  “It didn’t work, I am going to go back to believing in a zombie.”  They will decide all Pagans are bad when they are confronted with any of the above types of annoying Pagans.  They will claim they grew-up.  They were never interested in being Pagan, only in being part of clique.

In any group, there are people you would rather not associate with.  It is important to remember this.  Not all Christians are homophobic assholes.  Not all Muslims are terrorists or women abusers.

But as soon as we fail to call-out those who we feel do not represent us, we might as well join them.

1/4-Ass Post

Hello dear reader(s)!

I had doctor appointments today.   Good times.   So I’ll be back tomorrow.   That’s why you’re getting this quarter-assed post from me today.   I’d call it a half-assed post, but that would require twice as much effort.

Okay, so…that’s about it for this one.  Maybe I should’ve called this 1/16-assed post.