1/4-Ass Post

Hello dear reader(s)!

I had doctor appointments today.   Good times.   So I’ll be back tomorrow.   That’s why you’re getting this quarter-assed post from me today.   I’d call it a half-assed post, but that would require twice as much effort.

Okay, so…that’s about it for this one.  Maybe I should’ve called this 1/16-assed post.

Updating The System

Hello dear reader(s)!

I apologize for the late hour of this post, but for like the fucking five hundredth day in a row, Windows decided to install updates again that took a few fucking hours to get done.  I have news for Microsoft, I am not working for the DNC, and therefore it is unlikely my little Surface is going to be a target of Russian hackers in collusion with the white house.

While I was waiting for said updates, I fell asleep.  I am fucking exhausted.  My own system could use an update.  Too many ups and downs lately are having their effect.  It isn’t fair to whine about it to anyone near me as what they are going through is far worse, but I do still feel, and I feel for them as well.

Oh well, life goes on, things will get better at some point, and no matter what, I will be okay.  I just wish that I had a little break in order to apply my own system updates.  A time where I can shut down and not have to deal with anything else while I make myself ready for the work ahead.

I would love to go hiking, as that is always a good reset, but it is too damn hot here (or too much on fire) and I am too damn broke to go anywhere that isn’t.  Maybe a nice walk tonight when the sun goes down will apply the patch I need to keep my system running until the full updates can be downloaded.

Anyway, I hope all of you are having a good weekend, and your operating systems are in good shape.

 

 

 

 

 

10 Reasons I Am Happy

Hello dear reader(s)!

Today isn’t the happiest day I have had in a while.  There is a dark cloud of an impending loss hanging over everything, and this entire month is filled with bad memories that still haunt me.  Too many bad things have happened in July, and I sometimes just wish I could skip the month.

But, there have been and will continue to be some good things too.  It is important for me not to lose sight of that.

As such, in accordance with article IV of the MyFridayBlog™ charter of Sector 7, row 8, next to the bean burritos, I present to you 10 reasons I am happy, despite this being a rather unhappy time.  Please hold your questions and comments until after the presentation.  No food or drink in the auditorium, unless accompanied by a liability waiver and $100,000 bond.  Please keep your seat belts fastened and your tray tables and seat backs in their full, upright positions until such a time as the captain has deemed it is safe to move about the cabin.

  1. Some very stressful uncertainty has seemed to have settled  Sure, not everything is peaches and cream over filet of unicorn in a rainbow chutney, but at least I do not feel like I am waiting for the proverbial 8,000 pound other shoe to drop on my head since I am standing too close to a non-transparent border wall.
  2. My love’s birthday is today  Which is not going to be as fun for her as it could have been if there was not this impending loss, but there will still be muted celebrations and I am still grateful she was born.  Also, I got to see the look on her face when she opened her gift, so that was very nice.  There will be birthday treats too.
  3. Weed  It’s legal here on the state level, and has been a major help in dealing with all of the garbage and trauma popping up this month.  Plus, it has helped me keep my appetite up since I tend to not be able to eat under periods of extreme stress.  Finally, laughter is supposedly the best medicine, and getting a little high certainly isn’t bad for my ability to laugh.  Like, I am so glad I was little high when I read that shit about Trump saying the border wall should be transparent to avoid falling drug injuries.  (This is why there is a 25th amendment.)
  4. Sex  I like sex.  It’s fucking great, especially when the fucking is great.
  5. Love  The Beatles (they were very obscure, you probably never heard of them), said that all you need is love.   Well, I would argue all you need is love, food, water, shelter, sex, and weed…but tomato tomato.  (That doesn’t work in print.)
  6. Location, location, location  I love my new neighborhood.  It is much less hood and much more neighborly, without all the pesky neighbors wanting to actually talk to you.
  7. Health  Despite my recent hospitalization, I am not currently in the hospital and feel relatively okay.
  8. My Path  It is nice being able to turn to something that makes sense to me when I need a little bit more than what I see in the “reality” most people perceive every day.  It is also nice not having to go to some church every week and get on my knees or beg to some god for forgiveness for that which hurts nobody.  It is great not having to go to someone’s door or anywhere else and tell people they must follow my path or face burning for eternity.  It is awesome not caring what others believe as long as they aren’t attempting to force me to live according to theirs.  it’s great not being told to hate people for their sexuality, gender identity, race, or really anything else they do that doesn’t hurt another.  Plus, the whole sex magick thing doesn’t hurt.
  9. The resistance  No, it isn’t perfect.  No, it has not been particularly effective with this lawless cabal in charge of our government.  But it is there.  People are still resisting.  Hope is not completely lost.  People with brains still exist.  People with compassion still exist.  Thanks to the resistance, we can even find out who those people are and tailor who want in our lives accordingly.  At the very least, you get to find out when our President says something completely insane about the likelihood of drug bag injuries from traditional border wall technology.
  10. Awareness  I know my flaws, I know what makes me good.  I see both.  I am comfortable with who I am, and have remembered that not everyone needs to like me and I do not need to like them in order to feel okay about myself.  This year I have lost four “friends” who were anything but as time went by.  I have seen things I considered years ago come to pass and know I was right all along to not regret some of the decisions I made that seemed foolish at the time.  I know who I want in my life, and in which parts I give them access, or who I do not want to have any place in my life at all.  I am Skynet.  I have the codes.  You can’t fucking pull the plug on me.  Today is Judgement Day, motherfuckers.  You’ve been Terminated.  Hasta la taco, Tuesday.

Well, my dear reader(s), I hope you enjoyed our time together today.  Until next time, ta-ta.

Not The End Of This

Hello dear reader(s).

I apologize for my absence, but my new family is experiencing a loss.  A heavy sadness hangs over the house as they (and also I, though not to the same level) grieve.

No matter the natural order, no matter the knowledge that nothing really ends, no matter what your path may tell you, losing one you love is never easy.  Whether or not you believe you will see someone again, or that they will be in a better place, it is hard not to feel the hole their place in your life will leave.  It is a hole that can never be filled, only accepted.

My belief in life and death are a little different from most others I know.  It is not really consistent with any one path.

Essentially, I believe life is like a video game.  This actually comes a bit from my mom, a bit from what I’ve always thought, and a bit from some of the beliefs that have formed my path and practice.  We are all together, every soul, sitting around playing life like a video game.  Some of us are just watching and resting before we respawn.  But we’re all hanging out together, having a good time.  Where our souls are, in the other realm, where time has no meaning, we know we are there.  But the characters we play in life, they don’t know it.  They’re game characters.  Some of us are playing on expert mode, and have chosen difficult paths and a lot of challenges, some of us are playing on easy mode to get our feet wet and have different experiences.  This isn’t a literal video game, but the same sort of idea.  We are souls in another realm, playing life in these bodies for the honor of making it through the challenges of the hardest game anyone has ever played.  And then we bump it up to expert mode and master it.

This means that in that other realm, you are already there with your loved ones.  Time doesn’t matter.  In the multiverse theory that many scientists believe may be possible, the rules of physics, time, and space, do not necessarily conform to the rules of physics we here in this universe must follow.  The other realm is another universe.  When a loved one leaves here to the other realm, you all are likely sitting together aware of the fact that the loss you feel here isn’t actually real.  They watch you continue to play for a little bit as they chill out, grab a snack, and decide which level and mode on which they want to rejoin the game.

We are the characters in the game.  We don’t know that it’s not real.  We do not get to know what our souls are doing in the other realm.  We only have the ideas from the signs  and actions our souls have given us as they move us through this game.  From the Easter eggs left in the code by the game designers, the Goddess and the God.  Clues to help us complete the quests of this life through the challenges and the losses that would cause lesser players to hit the reset button.

I know I have taken this video game metaphor a little far.  It isn’t literal, but the only analogy I can use in terms that are easy enough to translate into what we all know.  Of course, in video games, (that we know of), the characters can never become self-aware.  They can never receive messages (other than the directions from the controller) from the player.   They can’t understand that what they are playing is just a game.  I think this game, this game of life we play from the other realm is different in those ways.  It is much more low-tech and advanced.  I believe that we can see it if we are open to it.

Let’s say I am wrong.  I probably am.  It is, admittedly, a pretty wild type of theory.

Death still is not the end of this.

Energy cannot be created or destroyed, it merely changes forms.

This, of course, is little comfort when you are experiencing a loss.  It doesn’t change the feeling of absence you have.  It doesn’t change the fact that you can’t enjoy the ones you lose in the same ways you have known and loved.  It does not change the emptiness you feel in your heart when you can no longer see, and talk to, and hold them.

But hopefully, one day, you can take some comfort in knowing that death is not the end.  There is no end.  There is no beginning.  Nothing ever dies, it merely changes forms.

Blessed Be.

 

Crystal Worshiping Hippie!

Hello dear reader(s)!

It was 1980-something and my mom was going to go out with one of her friends.  She had a few books about astrology and I remember she was listening to Stevie Nicks.   I think whatever she was wearing had a paisley pattern.

I rolled my eyes so far back in my head, it is a wonder I am not more blind than I am.  (P.S.  The fact I can see at all is also proof that masturbation doesn’t make you go blind.)

Anyway, I completely remember calling my mom a crystal worshiper, and a hippie.

She is kind of an ex-hippie…kind of.  But I did not mean it in a historically accurate sense, rather, as a disparaging remark for those in need of a shower and who think that patchouli is a reasonable substitute for cleaning themselves.  (My mom showered and didn’t stink of patchouli, but the generalization is what is important here.)

Anyway, then I started to grow up a little bit.  I met a girl, and she gave me a crystal necklace with a little yin-yang symbol at the top of it.  She also had a similar crystal necklace (I believe hers was an amethyst), and told me that the crystals were linked and that I would be able to feel her through the crystal when we were apart.

I tried really heard to stifle the laughter.

But I wore the thing, for her, to make her happy.

And then I started to like it.

And soon I felt like it did seem to make me feel more connected to her when we were apart.

Then, as often happens young, that little bit of puppy love ended.  I think I either gave it back or threw it away.  I did not think of another crystal again.

Until a couple years ago, when a very good friend of mine was trying to help me through the overwhelming grief I was feeling at the loss of Hannah.  We were just talking about what we thought happened (if anything) when someone died, and I explained part of my thoughts on it and as it turns out, it sounded similar to what she believed and a variation of what I believe now.  I began to look into it, and found the foundations for my path.

When I made the decision to embrace my path, I made the decision to look into all aspects of it and all associated with it in order to see what worked best for me.  And what did I come to find?

A shit-ton (technical measurement term) of information about crystals.

Okay, I use the word “information” loosely.  It isn’t as though any of this is scientifically proven.

That’s okay, I like them.  I do not worship crystals.  But I do like them.  They do make me feel better.  Now I have a shit-ton of crystals.

20170709_151819
A small portion of the shit-ton.

I also hate the fact we spend so much on our military to protect the corporations’ ability to rape the resources that belong to the people across the globe.  So until there is a war we need to fight again to protect ourselves from tyranny (such as a revolution), I am very anti-war.  I guess that makes me a bit of a hippie.

So, basically, this post is to apologize to my mother.  I am way more of a crystal worshiping hippie than she ever was.  I even like a song or two by Stevie Nicks.

But I don’t wear paisley, and I fucking hate patchouli.

I prefer Sandalwood.

Blessed Be, my friends.

 

 

Using The Full Moon

Hello dear reader(s)!

Tonight, in my area of the world, it is the full moon.  In my path, the night of the full moon is a great time to let go of that which no longer serves you, and so that is what I will be doing.  I intend to let go of my fears and insecurities that have been holding me back.  There may be more I have to accept letting go of, but that is still unknown to me.

I can only do what is known to me.  I can only prepare for what is.  I have ideas of the future, but I do realize at this point it still is not written.  I will do some spells to cast off my anxiety and inability to accept what is in the present moment.

I will also be doing some spells to help with my self-confidence.  My ego has taken multiple hits and I am getting worn down.  I have to remember that I am good, and I have the power within me to be happy.  Nobody else is responsible for that and nobody else can take it from me if I have it within.  I actually started with that last night, and am making some strides in that direction.

I am reminding myself that I have faced tougher challenges and survived.  Yes, I want to thrive again, but maybe I am pushing too hard.  I am reminding myself that no matter what, I’m going to be okay.

The fact that once again all of this is going on near the full moon just confirms to me that my path is where I belong.  When I step away from it for too long, I spiral out of control.  It is time to regain control of my life and my happiness.  It is time to do the things I know will make me happy and make my life better no matter how unmotivated I may feel.

Later tonight the moon will officially be waning.  After I banish all my fears and insecurities, I will use the time of the darkening nights to seek out ways I can build things for the better once the moon starts waxing again.

If you’re an empath, the full moon likely gets to you.  You may find yourself stressed out and anxious as it approaches.  It doesn’t have to be a stressful time.  You may be wondering what all you should let go of, and what you should keep.  I know that at the full moon in previous times, I have let go of things I may not have wanted to because of the stresses and feelings I had, that may have been unrelated or only partially related to whatever it was I let go of.

It is important to keep in mind that moon cycles come again.  Additionally, there is an entire half-cycle of the moon when it is waning and it may be a better time to release things when you are more focused and calm about what does and does not serve you.  I would advise all of you to only let go of that which you are absolutely certain no longer serves you in the long term.  Use the time of the waning moon for divination and seeing into the things you are not yet certain of.  Do not let the turmoil of the full moon trick you into rushing something that may need more time and clarity to really be certain of whether or not it is a thing you believe should or should not have a place in your life.

So tonight, go with the easy things.  The negative energy.  Fears.  Anxiety.   That which you are absolutely certain does you no good.  There is plenty of time when the tides within you are more stable to be able determine the things you are not quite certain of.  Then, relax.  Take a bath, if you can.  Use Epsom Salts.  Do some calming spells.  Have a good time.  Go outside and draw down the moon for more energy through the waning light.

If you are wanting to banish your fears and anxiety, here is a good base spell.  It’s easy and hardly requires any tools.  As with anything, your path will be different from mine, so tweak it however you feel you should.

  • After casting your circle, light a candle.  I like rose for this, but white works well too.
  • Watch the candle burn and say, “Goddess and God, take my fears, my anxiety and my tears, Burn them down in front of me, As I will, so mote it be.”  Repeat that nine times  (three times three) and visualize your anxiety melting away with the candle.  Let the candle burn out.
  • Thank the Goddess and God for helping empower you and attending your spell and then close your circle.

Take the power and wisdom you receive and try to think about the new beginnings you want to create after the New Moon.

Blessed Be, my friends.

 

 

 

 

A Revelation

Hello dear reader(s)!

How the fuck are ya?

I’m a bit better today.  If you read yesterday’s post (Why would you do that to yourself?), then you may have guessed I have been a bit down in the dumps lately due to my anxiety and some adjustment to the stresses that have occurred in my life recently.  A lot of big shit has happened recently, both good and bad, and unfortunately for me, the big bad shit has a tendency to get its stink all over the big good shit so that in my head they almost become indistinguishable from each other.

My feelings of self-worth have been very low.  Being unable to work and enduring a constant attack on people like me from those who are supposedly elected to represent us is taking its toll.  It isn’t just coming from them either (although I suspect that is coloring the opinions of others) as some former friends have also looked down upon me and taken advantage of my limited independence and the situations it has forced me to be in.

With my lousy financial outlook, my physical health battles, and my mental health battles, it has been hard to boost my self-esteem.  I have been feeling like a burden to everyone I know, and to society in general.

And so, in the middle of a massive bout with anxiety yesterday, I had a big, special brownie (Heck of a job, brownie!) and began thinking about myself from a mind that was quieted slightly.  With the replay of self-loathing turned down, I began to objectively look at the person I am, and I had a revelation.

So now, I shall read to you from the book of Special Brownie Revelations, 3:16.

And lo, Josh stopped to think about it, and saw that he is pretty kick-ass.  

It’s true, I am dependent on other people.  Likely always will be.  That does suck.  However, I bring a lot to the table.  Things I think matter a whole lot more than the list of cons that often causes me to feel like I am not good enough.

And now, I present to you, in the order I decided to type them out…

All the reasons I am fucking better than I sometimes think.

  • I am generous  I don’t have a lot, but make me care about you and you will get all I have.  I’d give those I love the skin off my back if that was ever necessary.
  • I am different  I don’t see things like most people. It has allowed me to treat people with respect and a kindness most people don’t expect.
  • I am generous  In bed too.
  • I am open-minded  Not hurting anyone that isn’t an adult who wants to be hurt?  Cool!
  • I am empathetic  This is good and bad, because it means I absorb all of other people’s shit, but it is good because I can relate and care about people and all they face, unless they are total hateful assholes or those who have betrayed me.
  • I have a sense of humor  So what if most of my jokes are cheesy?  At least I can tell them.
  • I am humble  Which is hard when I’m perfect in every way.
  • I am creative  Which is far better than being purely destructive.
  • I make lists of reasons I am better than I sometimes think when I am trying to pull out of bad head space rather than being a whiny piece of shit who decides life is too hard for them and so they get a gun and shoot up former co-workers or exes or some other poor people they blame for the fact that life is just sometimes hard and unfair.  

Anyway, long story slightly less long…

Thank you everyone who read and commented on yesterday’s post.  There is still a ways to go, but I am a bit better today and appreciate everyone’s kindness.

Have a great day and don’t do any mass shootings.