Struggling

Hello dear reader(s)!

I just wanted to let you know that I have attempted numerous times to return to posting.  I keep thinking there will be a better time but that time just keeps getting further and further out.

Everything I have facing me is probably nothing to a normal person.  There are more than enough hours in the day for me to believe that everything I need to accomplish should be able to get done and not send me into a tail-spin.  That is, if I was normal.

But I am not normal.  I am very damaged.  Both physically and mentally.

If I don’t feel awful physically (which is rather rare), I am probably in the midst of a covered anxiety attack.  Maybe some will even catch me in a full-blown panic attack.  Most probably won’t.  They take a look at me with my seemingly healthy body and the smile on my face and think I am fine.

It’s not that I try to hide the fact I am struggling, it is that sometimes I am genuinely happy to see people, so I smile.  Sometimes there really is fun going on in the middle of this shit-show and I just so happen to be relaxed enough to enjoy it.  Maybe, for once, my feet aren’t hurting so bad that they are making me reconsider my thoughts on certain medications.

Or maybe I just don’t want to bring them down too.  Nobody likes a Debby Downer unless they are laughing at the old SNL skit.

I have been trying to get help for how I feel physically for years.  I have been trying to get help for my mental illnesses, or disorders, or whatever the fuck you call them for years, too.  I have put myself into tremendous debt on a futile quest to get better.  That just adds to it.

I didn’t ask for any of this.  Contrary to the libertarian belief, there are some things you just can’t take personal responsibility for.  From getting a cancer that hasn’t been linked to any lifestyle practices, to being misled by doctors, to losing a career I was beginning to excel in, (or any ability for a workplace career again), to my financial issues, to constantly being made to feel like I am not a worthy human being for this society…I didn’t ask for one fucking bit of it.  It wasn’t my choices that brought it on.

I try as hard as I fucking can.  Harder than anyone I know.

I do my absolute best not to make people feel the way some have made me feel.  I let people know they are valued.  I’m not a fucking saint, but I try so hard.

I make mistakes.  In fact, I think much of my mistakes come from my good intentions.  Sometimes, I try too hard.  Sometimes, my attempts at keeping myself wanting to continue living lead me to make the mistakes I do.  But we all make mistakes.  Some of us don’t even try.

I’m tired.  I’m tired of trying so hard for people who will never accept me anyway.  I am tired of pretending that I can do this.  I am tired of pretending I know what I am doing.  I am tired of struggling against the force of the whirlpool that I have serious doubts I will ever be able to escape.

But what choice do I have?  Should I let myself drown and be as weak as those mocking me from the shore because they have never even been in the water?

I am tired.  I need help.  I AM struggling.

But I guess that is a good thing because struggling means I haven’t given up.

 

 

 

 

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Friends, Romans, Countrymen, Dogs, Cats…

Hello dear reader(s)!

I am not writing my book right now.  My computer is getting too hot, and I have a feeling it might take a proverbial dump on me, so I have put off the writing of anything important to me until I can be more assured it will not be lost to the sketchy electronics in this crappy lovely computer.

On the plus side, my blog-type-thing isn’t important to me, which means I can write here until my computer is resigned to the big recycling heap in the sky.  (Recycle it?  Not with MY browsing history!)

So…where did we leave off?

I think we were nearing the meeting of O’Rinn and Alexandra at the battle of Lethos.

Surrounded by the bodies of his fallen enemies, O’Rinn was still feeling the effects of the adrenaline.  He knew if he did not find an outlet, the beast within would once again emerge.  He could not risk his allies from the East learning his truth.  He wanted to tear into someone, but all his opponents were dead.  His blood felt as if it were boiling and his muscles tensed tightly, causing him to look more animal than human.  Indeed, he was, but he knew that to be a secret best kept to himself.  He began his attempts at meditation.  He visualized his home by the rocky shores of the western ocean and attempted to feel the serenity and peace he felt when home.  

Out of the water, she came.  Her dark eyes, both deep and piercing, held his gaze as he looked upon her beauty.  Her raven hair fell onto her pale shoulders.   Her warrior dress seemed to emphasize each and every curve of her body.  Rather than calming the beast, this image of her seemed to only stir the fire within.  As she approached closer, he saw the blood stains she proudly bore upon her clothing, and the ocean scene faded away.  The desolate, bloody battlefield reemerged and still she came closer.  He realized he wasn’t imagining her with the ocean, but knew she was straight out of his dreams.  

“I am eternally grateful to you, great warrior,” she began as she touched his cheek with her fingertips.  “Our people surely would not have survived this onslaught without your courage and skill.”  

O’Rinn replied, “No need to be grateful, we of the Albion have a common enemy.  Nothing more, nothing less.  We are also grateful for your fighters, and especially a woman so brave as yourself.”

“Queen.” Alexandra corrected.  “And since you were clearly ignorant of that fact, I will not be offended that you did not kneel before me.”

“I kneel before no one,” O’Rinn stated with a slightly annoyed tone.

“Your poor lovers,” Alexandra answered as she looked hypnotically into his eyes.  “I am quite certain I will have you kneeling before me by nightfall,” she continued as she removed her hand from his cheek and brought it down to firmly grip his co-

Wait, what?  We didn’t leave off there?!?!!  You mean I hadn’t been posting this story all along?   Oh, well…what do you want from me?

I don’t want to write about current events.  It’s too depressing right now, and there are plenty of people with a much larger influence speaking to it all better than I can.

Life is pretty good, with the exception of health and wishing I were more financially secure, so that is nothing worth writing about either.

I could go into more details about my health, but I am still coming to grips with the reality that there is no getting better from this.  I had always thought that if I could just take care of X, Y, and Z, that I could resume a somewhat normal and independent life, and learning that there is no taking care of X, Y, and Z is a little hard to handle.  Symptom management with little results seems to be all I can do.  At least I won’t be wasting as much co-pays on different specialists who can’t do anything for me anymore.  It is too depressing to think about for very long.

I fell backward and stepped on my phone last week.   My replacement phone literally just arrived a minute ago.  It is amazing how much you don’t realize you use your phone until you don’t have one.  It is pathetic how much I have come to rely on it.  I mostly miss the camera.  It is hard to take naughty pictures while holding up my computer.  (Kidding.  It is actually easy to take naughty pictures using my computer.)  (Kidding, I don’t take naughty pictures*, unless you count taking pictures of the naughty food treats my fiance spoils me with.)  (*Subject to change based on finances.)

Anyway, I guess what I am saying, is that I am probably back for now, but might just write a bunch of stories because there really isn’t much I want to talk about and I am not yet at the point where I need to start camming in order to keep afloat.

I hope you all are doing well, and are enjoying the day of labor.

 

 

 

 

 

 

What In The Actual F-ck?!?

Hello dear reader(s)!

Guess who’s back?  Back again?  Josh is back.  Sorry.

I know I keep saying that I will post more consistently.  Then I post for a couple days straight, and drop off for like a week.  My bad.  I keep thinking I can actually manage this.  Lately however, I just can’t.  In fact, I literally can’t even.  Yes, one pumpkin spice frappuccino for McKenzie too.

So what in actual fuck, Josh?  Where you been?  Why the long face?  You’re not a horse.

Well, I’ve been here, mostly.  But I’ve been tired.  Tired as fuck.  In the world of fucked-up medical shit, we like to call it fatigue.  Actually, we like to call it napping, but tomato tomato.  I’m not going to call the whole thing off, however.  Anything you can do I can do better.  Anyway…

I’ve been furiously trying to figure out what the hell is wrong with me.  Between my GI symptoms, a few other ones, and the fatigue, I was getting scared.

Fortunately, my fiance (yup, I’m engaged), is a super sleuth and figured out what is going on that some really great doctors couldn’t figure out during literal YEARS of complaining.  (Literally.)  The tendency of doctors to look at individual symptoms as separate systems requiring separate specialists causing separate tests and separate co-pays and co-insurance amounts, caused them all to overlook something wrong that ties it all together and makes perfect sense given something else we already knew was wrong.  So now I know what the problem is, (besides run-on sentences) the only issue is that it seems to be one of those “tough shit, get used it” type of issues.  It is still somewhat comforting to know that I am not losing my mind, (well…totally, anyway), and there IS a physical reason for all of these issues.

Anywho, this is good news for my writing, as now I will likely be seeing less doctors to try to find something that isn’t there (That colonoscopy sure was shitty.  Get it?  Shitty?) and will be less likely to try to force myself to do things I can’t do.  That means more time at home, where a computer will likely be handy.

But…my writing may soon start to move away from this here blog-type-thing on a temporary basis.  I am going to begin considering beginning to plan the beginning of the study of whether or not I should begin to plan the beginning of the process for beginning to write my book, starting all the way from the beginning.  Good for my writing, bad for this here blog-type-thing.  Unless I get stuck, and decide to post in this here blog-type-thing as a way to break up the monotony, since Mono and Tony have drifted apart since becoming a Hollywood power couple anyway.

So now that y’all know what is up, I guess I should grace you all with one of my rants, y’all have come to know and despise.

Ready?  Okay!  Be aggressive, B-E aggressive!

YOU CAN’T BE A RACIST AND A PAGAN!!!!

You can, I guess, but you’re a fucking idiot and should call yourself something else.  In a system of beliefs of honoring many different Goddesses and Gods as a representation of the natural forces that created all, your superiority complex does not jive.  You know not of what you speak, you know not of what you claim to be, and if you show up to any of my pagan events I will personally cut your fucking heart out with my athame.

You are not welcome in my community.  You are not welcome near my path.  You should not be welcome anywhere on this planet, but not everyone has standards.  Fuck off, and die, you Nazi trash pieces of shit.  Tell your chosen Gods they can go fuck themselves if they support you.  (They don’t.)

If you are a pagan, and want more acceptance of your belief system, and less persecution from others, you need to be calling out these racist fucks trying to twist your path to justify their hate too.  Just because hardly any of the followers of the Abrahamic religions do it, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t too.  We need to tell these fuck-bags they do not have a home in our communities.  

On a happier note, I choose high C.  I think high C is a happy note.  Yes, if it is part of a minor chord, it could be sad, but the note itself is happy.  It is so happy, it 1046.502 hertz.

Okay, dear reader(s), that’s all for me.  Let’s recap what we have learned today, shall we?  No?  Too bad!

I will not be posting very consistently (big shocker, and nothing new), but for different reasons, and I hate my health.  Please refer any additional questions to my counsel, who doesn’t exist.

Finally, I will still try and read y’all from time to time, even when I am not posting, just because you is smart, you is kind, you is not really important since you’re just a tiny spec in this vast universe, but tell yourself whatever you need to sleep better at night.

1/4-Ass Post

Hello dear reader(s)!

I had doctor appointments today.   Good times.   So I’ll be back tomorrow.   That’s why you’re getting this quarter-assed post from me today.   I’d call it a half-assed post, but that would require twice as much effort.

Okay, so…that’s about it for this one.  Maybe I should’ve called this 1/16-assed post.

Updating The System

Hello dear reader(s)!

I apologize for the late hour of this post, but for like the fucking five hundredth day in a row, Windows decided to install updates again that took a few fucking hours to get done.  I have news for Microsoft, I am not working for the DNC, and therefore it is unlikely my little Surface is going to be a target of Russian hackers in collusion with the white house.

While I was waiting for said updates, I fell asleep.  I am fucking exhausted.  My own system could use an update.  Too many ups and downs lately are having their effect.  It isn’t fair to whine about it to anyone near me as what they are going through is far worse, but I do still feel, and I feel for them as well.

Oh well, life goes on, things will get better at some point, and no matter what, I will be okay.  I just wish that I had a little break in order to apply my own system updates.  A time where I can shut down and not have to deal with anything else while I make myself ready for the work ahead.

I would love to go hiking, as that is always a good reset, but it is too damn hot here (or too much on fire) and I am too damn broke to go anywhere that isn’t.  Maybe a nice walk tonight when the sun goes down will apply the patch I need to keep my system running until the full updates can be downloaded.

Anyway, I hope all of you are having a good weekend, and your operating systems are in good shape.

 

 

 

 

 

10 Reasons I Am Happy

Hello dear reader(s)!

Today isn’t the happiest day I have had in a while.  There is a dark cloud of an impending loss hanging over everything, and this entire month is filled with bad memories that still haunt me.  Too many bad things have happened in July, and I sometimes just wish I could skip the month.

But, there have been and will continue to be some good things too.  It is important for me not to lose sight of that.

As such, in accordance with article IV of the MyFridayBlog™ charter of Sector 7, row 8, next to the bean burritos, I present to you 10 reasons I am happy, despite this being a rather unhappy time.  Please hold your questions and comments until after the presentation.  No food or drink in the auditorium, unless accompanied by a liability waiver and $100,000 bond.  Please keep your seat belts fastened and your tray tables and seat backs in their full, upright positions until such a time as the captain has deemed it is safe to move about the cabin.

  1. Some very stressful uncertainty has seemed to have settled  Sure, not everything is peaches and cream over filet of unicorn in a rainbow chutney, but at least I do not feel like I am waiting for the proverbial 8,000 pound other shoe to drop on my head since I am standing too close to a non-transparent border wall.
  2. My love’s birthday is today  Which is not going to be as fun for her as it could have been if there was not this impending loss, but there will still be muted celebrations and I am still grateful she was born.  Also, I got to see the look on her face when she opened her gift, so that was very nice.  There will be birthday treats too.
  3. Weed  It’s legal here on the state level, and has been a major help in dealing with all of the garbage and trauma popping up this month.  Plus, it has helped me keep my appetite up since I tend to not be able to eat under periods of extreme stress.  Finally, laughter is supposedly the best medicine, and getting a little high certainly isn’t bad for my ability to laugh.  Like, I am so glad I was little high when I read that shit about Trump saying the border wall should be transparent to avoid falling drug injuries.  (This is why there is a 25th amendment.)
  4. Sex  I like sex.  It’s fucking great, especially when the fucking is great.
  5. Love  The Beatles (they were very obscure, you probably never heard of them), said that all you need is love.   Well, I would argue all you need is love, food, water, shelter, sex, and weed…but tomato tomato.  (That doesn’t work in print.)
  6. Location, location, location  I love my new neighborhood.  It is much less hood and much more neighborly, without all the pesky neighbors wanting to actually talk to you.
  7. Health  Despite my recent hospitalization, I am not currently in the hospital and feel relatively okay.
  8. My Path  It is nice being able to turn to something that makes sense to me when I need a little bit more than what I see in the “reality” most people perceive every day.  It is also nice not having to go to some church every week and get on my knees or beg to some god for forgiveness for that which hurts nobody.  It is great not having to go to someone’s door or anywhere else and tell people they must follow my path or face burning for eternity.  It is awesome not caring what others believe as long as they aren’t attempting to force me to live according to theirs.  it’s great not being told to hate people for their sexuality, gender identity, race, or really anything else they do that doesn’t hurt another.  Plus, the whole sex magick thing doesn’t hurt.
  9. The resistance  No, it isn’t perfect.  No, it has not been particularly effective with this lawless cabal in charge of our government.  But it is there.  People are still resisting.  Hope is not completely lost.  People with brains still exist.  People with compassion still exist.  Thanks to the resistance, we can even find out who those people are and tailor who want in our lives accordingly.  At the very least, you get to find out when our President says something completely insane about the likelihood of drug bag injuries from traditional border wall technology.
  10. Awareness  I know my flaws, I know what makes me good.  I see both.  I am comfortable with who I am, and have remembered that not everyone needs to like me and I do not need to like them in order to feel okay about myself.  This year I have lost four “friends” who were anything but as time went by.  I have seen things I considered years ago come to pass and know I was right all along to not regret some of the decisions I made that seemed foolish at the time.  I know who I want in my life, and in which parts I give them access, or who I do not want to have any place in my life at all.  I am Skynet.  I have the codes.  You can’t fucking pull the plug on me.  Today is Judgement Day, motherfuckers.  You’ve been Terminated.  Hasta la taco, Tuesday.

Well, my dear reader(s), I hope you enjoyed our time together today.  Until next time, ta-ta.

Not The End Of This

Hello dear reader(s).

I apologize for my absence, but my new family is experiencing a loss.  A heavy sadness hangs over the house as they (and also I, though not to the same level) grieve.

No matter the natural order, no matter the knowledge that nothing really ends, no matter what your path may tell you, losing one you love is never easy.  Whether or not you believe you will see someone again, or that they will be in a better place, it is hard not to feel the hole their place in your life will leave.  It is a hole that can never be filled, only accepted.

My belief in life and death are a little different from most others I know.  It is not really consistent with any one path.

Essentially, I believe life is like a video game.  This actually comes a bit from my mom, a bit from what I’ve always thought, and a bit from some of the beliefs that have formed my path and practice.  We are all together, every soul, sitting around playing life like a video game.  Some of us are just watching and resting before we respawn.  But we’re all hanging out together, having a good time.  Where our souls are, in the other realm, where time has no meaning, we know we are there.  But the characters we play in life, they don’t know it.  They’re game characters.  Some of us are playing on expert mode, and have chosen difficult paths and a lot of challenges, some of us are playing on easy mode to get our feet wet and have different experiences.  This isn’t a literal video game, but the same sort of idea.  We are souls in another realm, playing life in these bodies for the honor of making it through the challenges of the hardest game anyone has ever played.  And then we bump it up to expert mode and master it.

This means that in that other realm, you are already there with your loved ones.  Time doesn’t matter.  In the multiverse theory that many scientists believe may be possible, the rules of physics, time, and space, do not necessarily conform to the rules of physics we here in this universe must follow.  The other realm is another universe.  When a loved one leaves here to the other realm, you all are likely sitting together aware of the fact that the loss you feel here isn’t actually real.  They watch you continue to play for a little bit as they chill out, grab a snack, and decide which level and mode on which they want to rejoin the game.

We are the characters in the game.  We don’t know that it’s not real.  We do not get to know what our souls are doing in the other realm.  We only have the ideas from the signs  and actions our souls have given us as they move us through this game.  From the Easter eggs left in the code by the game designers, the Goddess and the God.  Clues to help us complete the quests of this life through the challenges and the losses that would cause lesser players to hit the reset button.

I know I have taken this video game metaphor a little far.  It isn’t literal, but the only analogy I can use in terms that are easy enough to translate into what we all know.  Of course, in video games, (that we know of), the characters can never become self-aware.  They can never receive messages (other than the directions from the controller) from the player.   They can’t understand that what they are playing is just a game.  I think this game, this game of life we play from the other realm is different in those ways.  It is much more low-tech and advanced.  I believe that we can see it if we are open to it.

Let’s say I am wrong.  I probably am.  It is, admittedly, a pretty wild type of theory.

Death still is not the end of this.

Energy cannot be created or destroyed, it merely changes forms.

This, of course, is little comfort when you are experiencing a loss.  It doesn’t change the feeling of absence you have.  It doesn’t change the fact that you can’t enjoy the ones you lose in the same ways you have known and loved.  It does not change the emptiness you feel in your heart when you can no longer see, and talk to, and hold them.

But hopefully, one day, you can take some comfort in knowing that death is not the end.  There is no end.  There is no beginning.  Nothing ever dies, it merely changes forms.

Blessed Be.