Hello dear reader(s)!

It has been a fortnight or so since last I posted.  I fear that my dear reader(s) may be vexed by lack of consistency and so I have therefore chosen to fall upon the sword of my shame rather than argue the valid points as to why my posting has not been up to the high standards I know that my dear reader(s) deserve.  I humbly apologize and beg the forgiveness of my dear reader(s), and hope they do not cast me into blog-type-thinging exile.

Alright, so now that I got that bullshit out of the way, let me ask y’all a question…

Do you motherfuckers dear reader(s) believe in fate?

I do.

Kind of.

Lemme explain.  No there is too much.  Lemme sum up.*

I think fate takes you only so far.  I believe you create your own fate.  I believe you help create the opportunities and bizarre alignments that one would call fate.  Sometimes you do it through thought.  Sometimes through intent.  Sometimes through action.  Sometimes by stepping back and doing nothing at all.  Sometimes you just need to put something out of your mind so you can recognize it when it lands right at your foot door.  Of course, usually the only thing that lands at your front door is a shitty local newspaper’s promotional copy, but that is neither here nor there.

So you’re going along, minding your own business, when suddenly you notice some sort of fated event.  Say, I don’t know… someone you know of with something major you have in common likes a comment you made on a local news story… and the next thing you know you’re connecting on a very deep level but all of these things had to align at the right time and in the right order to allow that connection.  That’s just an example.  I do not know about anything like that, honest.  But let’s just say that happens…then what?

Well, you don’t fucking make fate do all the work.  Fate has brought you to a point.  The rest is up to you.   You must now continue the effort to make the fates continue to align.

Opportunities do occasionally come up.  Are you going to be brave enough to seize them?  As an example, fate has given you the opportunity to read this post today.  Are you brave enough to read all the way through, like, share, and comment?  You owe it to fate!

Fate is awesome.  I am a big believer in fate.  I have seen too many strange things happen to produce too many things that seemed to be impossible or were simply exactly what should be at the time they came to pass in order to discount it.  So it is always going to be three easy payments of $49.99, no matter who is advertising a similar product for less, sorry.  No discounts.

But I also believe in myself, in energy, in magic, and in effort.  Once you recognize the existence of fate, you will recognize the opportunities it presents.  But you still have to do something with those opportunities if they lead to what you desire.  In doing so, you create more ways for fate to align for you.  No matter how badly your local area maintains their roads, if you put in the work, your fate will stay in alignment without dealing with mechanics and their ridiculous shop fees and attempts to upsell you on parts and services you don’t need.

When you go about your day today, pay attention.  Try to see if fate is sending you a message.  Look for the opportunities that fate provides.  Then don’t just sit there watching fate flashing in your face like a sick fucker who gets off on showing their junk to unsuspecting people in public.  Do something about it!  Take fate and run with it.  Unless Fate is the name of a stripper or something, in which case let Fate come to you.  Kidnapping strippers is not good, Bob.

Fate is calling to you.  So let her out of your trunk, Bob.

*Stolen shamelessly from the Princess Bride.  













Hello dear reader(s)!

This morning, I sit at the table writing this post.  Not really sure where I want it to go, I just type what is on my mind.  I awoke with a smile on my face.  Memories of my dreams, as well as the day and evening I had yesterday were on my mind.  It is a little cold, but the warmth I feel inside seems to make the actual temperature far less important.

I lay in bed for a moment, reading and responding to my messages.  I noticed one of my cats on the top of the headboard looking as if she was waiting for me to stir in order to jump down.  Sure enough, she jumped down so I could pet her when I looked up at her.  My other cat, jealous, walked up from the foot of the bed for some love too.  The sounds of happy kitty purrs filled the air in my room.  I smiled a bit longer, and decided to get up.

I got up to begin my usual morning routine.  It used to bother me that I had such a routine in the morning, but now, I kind of like my little ritual.  Grab out my coffee machine, all the coffee stuff, and make it.  Grab a bagel or other breakfast treat and make that too.  Grab my computer and head out to this table where I babble onto a blank screen as I eat breakfast and drink my coffee.  My cats hover close by, waiting for me to get back up, wash out their dishes, and feed them.  I look out the window and watch the squirrels play in the backyard, and the flags from the small car lot behind the yard flutter in the cold wind.  And, despite the cars, the ugly red, white, and blue commercial flags advertising some never-ending fictional sale, I find it all very beautiful.  Despite the trash caught by the wind and glued against the other side of the chain link fence, I find it very beautiful.

The stupid flags, while ugly, make pretty patterns in a brisk wind.  The trash, while horrible, collects against the backside of the fence where it will be easy to pick up when they clear it.  It is as if nature is helping.  It also appears to be more paper than plastic, which makes me happy.  The squirrels playing remind me that even when wild animals regularly struggle for survival, there is fun to be had.  Plus, they are cute.  There are trees which will soon be turning the shade of green that signals they are are ready to grow new leaves and branches.  Even though they are still bare, they already appear lighter than they did a week or so ago.

It is cloudy, and grey.  But the light from the sun, filtered by the clouds creates a soft and beautiful glow through the windows.  I am a little sore this morning from all of the fun I had yesterday, and from being hunched over a stove and sink preparing my favorite meal.  It is the kind of sore you are actually happy to feel.  And I am missing someone, badly.  But I feel so lucky to know I will see her soon, and feel incredibly lucky to have someone in my life who I can miss so much.

I scroll through my Facebook and see a mass of posts about the Republican administration, the Republican Congress, and the horrible things they are doing.  Yet, the very fact those posts exist is a beautiful thing.  The people in my country are finally paying attention, and finally speaking out.  And while it may be too little, too late, just the massive display of people finally caring about something other than themselves or their new flat-screen televisions is a beautiful thing.  I see hope, that we can endure, and get back on the right track.  I think there is a lot more darkness yet to come, but for the first time since the election, I feel like the light will ultimately shine.  That is beautiful.

There is beauty to be found, if you look hard enough.  I am so very glad today that all of the times I wanted to give up, I continued to believe that I would be able to see it once more.

I hope that if any of you are on the verge of giving up, you can look for and see the beauty as a reason not to.  And if you can’t see it, I hope you don’t give up the belief that you’ll be able to.


There are calls for a general strike on February 17th.  It seems very loosely organized and perhaps a bit late in the planning, but I urge you all to participate anyway.  Do not be disheartened by the small participation in early events.  Things are just getting started and will only grow with each action.





Lessons I’ve Learned/Remembered

‘ello dear reader(s)!

I apologize for my lack of posting yesterday, but for much of the day I was out doing this strange and exciting thing called having fun.  It has been so long, I almost forgot what it was like.  Today, I plan to also have fun.  I am hoping that two days of fun in a row will not be too much for me to handle.  I didn’t have that headache yesterday.  I did end up with a different one, that was much more manageable, but I know exactly why that headache occurred, and it was not a big deal.  So far today, there is no headache either.  The songs of praise are already being written for this miraculous miracle for all of my mankind unto our blessed Josh.

Now, anyone who reads this here blog-type-thing on a regular basis is likely deeply troubled, but that is not important here.  But anyone who regularly reads this here blog-type-thing on a regular basis knows that I do not place much stock in making changes at the new year.  However, sometimes events conspire to change things, and to change you.  If they coincide with the new year, then resistance is futile, and all your base are belong to us.  Turn and face the change.  Changes aren’t permanent, but change is.  All that.

This year has been fucking odd so far.  Like really, really strange.  But in a good way.  I have learned some things about people, about myself, and I have remembered some of the things that hard times have made me forget.  I am damn optimistic in my ability to survive this world and the people in it, without becoming that which I hate in order to so.  3 days and one morning in, and it is like I am a new person.  But I am not a new person, I am the person I used to be when I knew myself, plus a few bits of knowledge the past few experiences have taught me.

And now, direct from Missouri, in genuine text, I will share with you, for your entertainment, education, and enlightenment, the things I have learned and remembered already this year.

  1. I have value, whether others see it, or not  To some, the issues I bring with me may make some decide that I am not worth the positive things I bring as well.  Those people do not belong in my life, because I know my worth.  If their priorities are not in line with mine, then they likely are not the people who will meet the requirements I have either.  I am a motherfucking catch, and I know it by the smiles I bring to those in my presence.  That is worth a lot.
  2. I can’t forget to trust my instincts  If something doesn’t feel right, as if there are things left unsaid, I need to pay attention to that.  No matter how plausible the excuse, no matter how empathetic I want to be to people.  If I suspect there is more to the story, I must listen in order to protect myself.
  3. Lies by omission are just as bad as any other lie  And dishonesty is not something I can tolerate in someone, no matter how I once felt.
  4. I can not base my happiness on others  I create my own happiness, and in doing so, others might come to it naturally, or they might not, but it doesn’t matter as much because I am still happy.
  5. Closure is not always available  And it is not always necessary.  There are still lessons I can learn from anything without having an explanation of exactly what happened.  The residual hurt, anger, or other feelings do not always need to be shared.
  6. Friends who listen and are available without motive are the best friends one can have  Thank you to those who I have talked to for years, and to those who I have only recently began talking with.  Your advice, and just knowing someone cared when a few things came down on me at the same time helped me get through.  I will not forget.
  7. Never commit to someone who isn’t committed to me  As much as I do not believe people are options, until I am someone’s priority, it is foolish to make them mine.
  8. As wonderful as connection over distance can still be, there is no substitute for a real in-person connection  Or a few, as the case may be.
  9. Life is meant to be lived  No more putting myself on hold for possibilities.  No more hoping for things that do not present themselves.  Have fun, and fun will be had.
  10. Not everyone who hurt me is a bad person  In fact, most people aren’t.  They have different priorities, different needs, different ideas of how to communicate with maturity.  And therefore, if they belong with anyone, it is a different person.

These sound awfully relationshippy, don ‘t they?  Well, they are.  I still believe that our relationships are what make life worth living.  They do not always need to romantic.  They do not always need to be sexual.  They do not always need to be conventional.  They simply need to be fulfilling and anything that isn’t, is not worth your time and heartache.

Now if you’ll excuse me, my dear reader(s), I am off to build a few more relationships.


If It Is Important To You…

“If it is important to you, you will find a way.  If not, you will find an excuse.” –Ryan Blair

This quote, and other quotes like it, are complete and total bullshit.

It is all nice and good to think that anything you work hard enough toward you can achieve.  It is great to think that things are in your control.  It’s total bullshit, however.

This belief pushed by those who have achieved success that everything is in your control is creating a ton of problems.  It can take away empathy.  It can set a person up for extreme disappointment.  It is just a bald-face lie.

Because the fact of the matter, is that not everything will ever be in our control.

I want B cells and proper blood counts for a functioning immune system so I am not always sick like I am right now.  I can take care of myself.  I can work out.  I can eat right.  I can get enough rest.  I can follow all the advice of my doctors.  Guess what?  None of that is going to give me the counts I need.

I wanted someone other than Donald Trump to be President.  I spoke out here, even supporting Hillary Clinton (despite the fact I was a huge Sanders supporter and know how bad he was screwed over by the idiots on Clinton’s team).  I did everything in my power, and guess what?  I get to live in the end-times of the decline under a President Racist, Homophobic, Misogynist.

I wanted to spend the rest of my life with Hannah…we all know how that went.

I wanted to be healthy.  I didn’t smoke, I hardly drank, I exercised, I didn’t do any drugs (until the cancer, that is a different story), and still I got cancer that has permanently wrecked my health.  I do everything I can to mitigate the effects, but as I wrote about the B cells, it isn’t all under my control.

There have been plenty of times in my life where I liked someone.  I did everything I could to let those women know that I desired to date them.  I did everything I could to get together with them.  Some, even liked me back.  Maybe there were other complications like distance, or trust issues, or any number of other things that prevented them from actually allowing something to happen.  Since I am not a rapist, it simply wasn’t in my control.

Look at the music industry.  There are a ton of great musicians out there, struggling to make ends meet, probably having to take other jobs to survive, that could play circles around the fucking twats you hear on the radio.  It isn’t for lack of trying, or not wanting it enough.  It is because some asshole decided that their talent wasn’t as important as their looks, or they simply never got the opportunity to play in front of the assholes who make that decision.

Shit fucking happens.  It sucks.  You lose a fuck of a lot more than you win.  I know.  People do fail, and it isn’t always something that they have control over.  It isn’tbecause of not wanting it enough, or making excuses.

Not everything is possible.

Quit this bullshit belief that it is.

Because when the tornado wipes out your town and leaves you with nothing, maybe it’ll be easier not to stick a gun in your mouth if you know it wasn’t your fault.  That the tornado didn’t take your home and the lives of people you loved because somehow you didn’t want your home or those you cared about enough.  When the cancer ravages your body, you might keep fighting knowing that it isn’t happening because you didn’t want enough to be healthy.  When your life’s work is worthless because someone else beat your idea to market with an inferior version but has locked up market share, you won’t feel like you should have just wanted it more.  When you’re watching your loved ones take their last breath, you won’t feel like it is your fault for the rest of your days.

And when you know, that not everything is possible, you can adapt your goals to what is.  You can keep trying if you see possibilities in the face of setbacks of what is possible, rather than continuing to fail at something you should have known was impossible long before.

Not everythng is possible, but once you understand that, you will see that plenty of great things are.



Brand New Day

Hello dear reader(s)!

First of all, I would like to apologize for not posting yesterday.  I would like to, but I won’t.  Wait, who am I kidding?  I wouldn’t like to either.  Anyway, I didn’t post yesterday because I was finally getting my room all set up from the moving.  I also bought myself a new espresso machine after the last one tragically passed away during the move.  It was a faithful little machine, and will be sorely missed.  It is survived by a carafe, and it’s buddy the steam pitcher.  My new one is red so the mourning period for the old one is hereby cancelled.  I also bought a bookcase.

And while I was putting together my new bookcase, I got to thinking, and it made me realize some important things.  The first, is that I do not own enough physical books.  There are like 3 on the bookcase, the rest is just stuff.  The second, is that I am strong, and independent, and better off.

That last statement is nothing personal against anyone I have ever been with.  It isn’t saying that I prefer to be alone.  It is simply saying that unless it is right, it is wrong.  Looking back on failed relationships, you start to realize all the things that were not right, no matter how much you wanted them to be.  And then you flog yourself in penance.

I woke up this morning with the realization that I am in a new place.  A new town where nobody knows me, with a chance to completely start living my life how I want to.  I answer to nobody.  That really hasn’t happened in a long time.  Before Hannah died, we were very free.  We loved each other unconditionally, so there was no worrying about what the other person thought about our routines, or lack thereof, our need to be alone, or desire to be together.  It just was, and it fit.  After, I have had to tiptoe around people’s feelings.  Whether it was certain people once in my life who were judging me, or my family for intruding on their space, I just simply was not able to be my own person.

Granted, I still have housemates, so there is some respect for other people that is involved, but for the first time in a long time, I am autonomous.  I am treated with respect by them and as long as I am showing them the same respect, things are pretty easy.  They take care not to step on my toes, and vice versa.  We moved into this house together, so there is no feeling like I moved into their house, or they moved into mine.  We all pay rent, and live our lives.  Basically, they are like really close neighbors in that sense.  Since they are also friends, the shared common areas is never a concern.  So even with housemates, I am more independent than I have been in a long time.  It’s a great feeling.

And yet I am still putting myself out there.  Because while I love to be independent, I love to be independent with someone who is right for me.  Someone who can be independent and complimentary.  I am creating options and opportunities here already to meet people.  I am not trying to force some romantic relationship, but am working to create the kinds of opportunities for the possibility to occur.

I fought hard for this life.  No, it isn’t perfect.  Yes, I get down on occasion.  Not everything always goes my way.  I have lost more times than I have won.

But I have gotten back up every single time I have been knocked down.  I am always in the ring, instead of watching from the side.  I am stronger than I give myself credit for, and I’ll be damned if a change in how I initially envisioned life here will keep me down.

I will not apologize for being who I am.  I am happy with who I am.  Granted, I wish that some of the cancer damage never occurred, but unless I meet a genie, wishing ain’t changing shit.

But I am exercising more again.  I am eating a lot better than I ever have.  Eating better and exercising more won’t heal my kidneys, or my cataracts, or my immunity, but it will help me fight off the next thing that comes my way.  It will make it easier when something inevitably does happen.  And, it’ll make me look better, which is always a plus.

I read something about how today was supposed to be a big energy shift for me.  I truly believe that it is.  Good things are already happening and I can feel the positive change in the air.

And maybe it won’t be all that great.  Maybe things won’t go at all as I hope.

That’s okay, I’ll just get up and try again.

Until next time, my dear reader(s), remember that when life gives you lemons, you can do whatever the fuck you want with those lemons.  They are yours now.  If life doesn’t like it, it shouldn’t have given those lemons away.  Fuck you, life.  I have the lemons now, motherfucker.


The Cult Of Positive

Hello dear reader(s)!

I will get to part III of Awakening tomorrow.  But right now, I need to write about something that is on my mind.  It is the failure of people without mental illness to take mental illness seriously.

I understand it is with good intent, but too many times I have seen, and been subject to someone attempting to relate to something they simply have no clue about.  I’ll give you an example.

On Saturday, I decided to drive down to visit a family member in Portland.  We’ll call him Ned, to protect his identity since he has powerful enemies and I would rather not contribute to any harm coming to him and an international incident from my blog-type-thing.  I only feel comfortable giving the location because he will soon be deployed again anyway, and Portland is not his home.

Anyway, I kind of lost my phone, and then had a massive panic attack.  And I got all kinds of great, and supportive comments.  But I got a couple (that have since been deleted) that basically asked what the big deal was.  I found my phone, and that should be that.

And for a person without PTSD and Generalized Anxiety Disorder, that might be all there is to it.  But for me, my body actually physically makes me sick from the stress of it.  The adrenaline spike followed by the adrenaline crash affects everything.  It put me down the entire rest of the day, and the night.  I was able to make the trip on Sunday, but just barely.  And driving back on Monday, I pulled off the highway to get gas even though I calculated I did not need to just because the stress of traffic and the idiot drivers was getting to me and could make me a danger.  Most people do not have to do that.  They just drive through.

This isn’t about meditation (although I know that can help to manage it occasionally, for some people, in some cases), it isn’t about grounding (another great technique to help manage things, in some situations, if caught early enough), it isn’t about relaxation, or smiling, or seeing the bright side.  I have an illness, wherein my body (starting with my brain, which is part of the body, for your information) causes me to react to little stressors as if they were life and death issues.  Nine times out of ten, there is absolutely nothing I can do to hold that off, only to try to cut it short and deal with the results.  Unless you have felt that, you literally have no idea what it is like, and might want to keep your mouth shut when someone is telling you they are suffering through it, aside from telling that person that they are safe, and that they are not bad people for having that issue.

In fact, I am actually getting tired of the term mental illness.  The brain runs your body.  Without it, you die. Between chemicals that act on the brain and just the rewiring of pathways, everything about “mental” illness is physical.  Just because you can’t understand what it is like because you have been able to cheer yourself up out of being sad or stressed, does not mean that it isn’t real.  My mental illnesses are just as real, and can occasionally be as debilitating as the cancer that brought them on.

I am not weak for being ill, just as I wasn’t for getting cancer.  In fact, it makes sense that my brain treats everything like a life of death struggle after it literally was life and death, daily, for years.  This isn’t weakness, it is an illness that may be able to be treated, and one day possibly could be cured once they learn more about it.  Right now, they really don’t know much at all, as evidenced by the conflicting studies and results of many psychiatric medications.  How the illness came to be, does not matter nearly as much that it is real, and can affect anyone.  If you think I am weak for this, I would invite you to get cancer that seemingly has no cause, fight it for years, almost die multiple times, and then watch your wife die just as you begin to recover.  Let me know how strong you are then.

Occasionally I will write posts with a positive message.  I will try to tell people to keep fighting.  That there is beauty in the darkness and can be found.  And I truly believe that.  But trust me, at no time am I under any illusion that someone can stop being depressed, or anxious, or dissociative, or just magically cure any other illness by simply being happy.  When I post postive, it is to attempt to encourage someone to keep trying, to keep hanging on, for the value they add to the lives of others.  Sometimes, it is merely things that occasionally help me when I am struggling, so that if it works for someone else, maybe it could make things less awful for them.  I understand that not everything that works for me, works for someone else.

No amount of motivational quotes, ideas, and kind words is going to cure someone’s illness.  You can offer your support to help the people you know who suffer, and try to remind them that all illnesses have ups and downs, good days and bad.  But once you start placing expectations on them as a result of your words, you’re doing it wrong.

Quoth the Gump, “And that’s all I have to say about that.”

The Undefeated

Dear hateful ones,

You can’t stamp out love.  No matter how hard you try, it is just not possible.  It has been tried by madmen and terrible people for as long as humanity has existed, and yet is never successful.  We are never defeated.

You can drive us underground, you can kill us, you can torture us, you can burn us at the stake, but you simply can not win.  We are the undefeated.

No matter how many people you may get to bask in your negativity, you will never take us all.  No matter how many people you cause to just give up, there will always be more fighting against you.  No matter how dark you try to make our world, we will still shine a light into it for those willing to see.

We are one with the Earth and the cosmos.  We are bigger than you, we preceded you, and we will be around long after you have gone.  You simply do not stand a chance against our power.

We are the peaceful, yet we are more effective than any weapon of war you could possibly imagine.  We do not want this fight, yet you foolishly bring it to us.

The most effective warriors are the ones who can win without fighting.  It is what we do, it is what we have done, and it is what we will continue to do.

The only thing you are accomplishing is leaving a more fucked up world for your kids.

I’m done talking to you.  It is obvious you don’t know history, do not understand that hate has never won, and aren’t going to understand anything I say.


Dear undefeated,

Seems like the world is a pretty awful place today, doesn’t it?  The hateful ones are in control of the traditional narrative.  Even in the non-traditional narrative, you have the paranoid conspiracy theorists telling you how everyone is evil and out to get you.  And look, there are people without the best intentions, and some hold power, that is obviously true.

But for every single one of them, there are thousands of us.


Just take a walk in your city or town.  Find other people of all walks of life not killing each other.  Some might even smile, or say hello.  For every piece of crap white supremacist you see, there are thousands of white people who happily interact with people of color on a daily basis.  For every white person who doesn’t understand the systemaitc oppression that has been going on, there are more of us who do and work to in an attempt to change it.  For every homophobic waste of flesh out there, there are many allies.  Do not let polls fool you, they are taken by people looking to create a narrative, not those looking to reflect what is actually going on.

Likely voters don’t include the millions upon millions who have been disenfranchised.  They don’t include the ones who have given up on politics and feel like they have no voice.  In fact, they mostly include people who answer their landlines and choose to participate in a poll.  That right there says something about the sample they take.

And yet still love is winning in those polls.  Not by the huge margins it does in real life, but it does.

Most people don’t want war.  They don’t want racism.  They don’t want bigotry.  They don’t want hate.  They don’t want to destroy the planet even as scared as they are about putting food on the table with any economic changes.  They want love.

The hateful people dominate the comments sections.  So much so that we leave knowing our opinions are futile.  It is a wide-spread joke.  Which means they only are such a major voice, because we leave.  They are not representative of us.  Let them have their echo chamber.  But don’t think they are winning.

Don’t think we can’t turn this around.  Don’t give up, rise up.  The system is messed up?  Cool, let’s change it.  Let’s do so without making things a lot harder for us first, but let’s change it.  These people are nothing.  No amount of hate they throw will ever beat us.  Let’s quit being afraid, quit believing the things they do to keep us from realizing who we really need to fight against, and let’s rise up to beat them.  We can come together on the basic issues of love, and trust, and equality.

Then we can debate the specifics in order to figure out a path forward together.

We need to rise against the horrors we are deliberately fed.  We need to stop consuming the hate and greed they shovel down our throats in order to keep us down.  We need to rise up and show these motherfuckers what happens when they take on the billions of loving and caring people who have always been, and will always be.

Who’s with me?

Let’s take back the narrative.  Let’s flood this planet with so much love that the media cannot drown it out with images of hate and violence.  Let’s be the love that the world needs right now.  Let’s show these hateful assholes who they are dealing with.  Let’s be love.