What In The Actual F-ck?!?

Hello dear reader(s)!

Guess who’s back?  Back again?  Josh is back.  Sorry.

I know I keep saying that I will post more consistently.  Then I post for a couple days straight, and drop off for like a week.  My bad.  I keep thinking I can actually manage this.  Lately however, I just can’t.  In fact, I literally can’t even.  Yes, one pumpkin spice frappuccino for McKenzie too.

So what in actual fuck, Josh?  Where you been?  Why the long face?  You’re not a horse.

Well, I’ve been here, mostly.  But I’ve been tired.  Tired as fuck.  In the world of fucked-up medical shit, we like to call it fatigue.  Actually, we like to call it napping, but tomato tomato.  I’m not going to call the whole thing off, however.  Anything you can do I can do better.  Anyway…

I’ve been furiously trying to figure out what the hell is wrong with me.  Between my GI symptoms, a few other ones, and the fatigue, I was getting scared.

Fortunately, my fiance (yup, I’m engaged), is a super sleuth and figured out what is going on that some really great doctors couldn’t figure out during literal YEARS of complaining.  (Literally.)  The tendency of doctors to look at individual symptoms as separate systems requiring separate specialists causing separate tests and separate co-pays and co-insurance amounts, caused them all to overlook something wrong that ties it all together and makes perfect sense given something else we already knew was wrong.  So now I know what the problem is, (besides run-on sentences) the only issue is that it seems to be one of those “tough shit, get used it” type of issues.  It is still somewhat comforting to know that I am not losing my mind, (well…totally, anyway), and there IS a physical reason for all of these issues.

Anywho, this is good news for my writing, as now I will likely be seeing less doctors to try to find something that isn’t there (That colonoscopy sure was shitty.  Get it?  Shitty?) and will be less likely to try to force myself to do things I can’t do.  That means more time at home, where a computer will likely be handy.

But…my writing may soon start to move away from this here blog-type-thing on a temporary basis.  I am going to begin considering beginning to plan the beginning of the study of whether or not I should begin to plan the beginning of the process for beginning to write my book, starting all the way from the beginning.  Good for my writing, bad for this here blog-type-thing.  Unless I get stuck, and decide to post in this here blog-type-thing as a way to break up the monotony, since Mono and Tony have drifted apart since becoming a Hollywood power couple anyway.

So now that y’all know what is up, I guess I should grace you all with one of my rants, y’all have come to know and despise.

Ready?  Okay!  Be aggressive, B-E aggressive!

YOU CAN’T BE A RACIST AND A PAGAN!!!!

You can, I guess, but you’re a fucking idiot and should call yourself something else.  In a system of beliefs of honoring many different Goddesses and Gods as a representation of the natural forces that created all, your superiority complex does not jive.  You know not of what you speak, you know not of what you claim to be, and if you show up to any of my pagan events I will personally cut your fucking heart out with my athame.

You are not welcome in my community.  You are not welcome near my path.  You should not be welcome anywhere on this planet, but not everyone has standards.  Fuck off, and die, you Nazi trash pieces of shit.  Tell your chosen Gods they can go fuck themselves if they support you.  (They don’t.)

If you are a pagan, and want more acceptance of your belief system, and less persecution from others, you need to be calling out these racist fucks trying to twist your path to justify their hate too.  Just because hardly any of the followers of the Abrahamic religions do it, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t too.  We need to tell these fuck-bags they do not have a home in our communities.  

On a happier note, I choose high C.  I think high C is a happy note.  Yes, if it is part of a minor chord, it could be sad, but the note itself is happy.  It is so happy, it 1046.502 hertz.

Okay, dear reader(s), that’s all for me.  Let’s recap what we have learned today, shall we?  No?  Too bad!

I will not be posting very consistently (big shocker, and nothing new), but for different reasons, and I hate my health.  Please refer any additional questions to my counsel, who doesn’t exist.

Finally, I will still try and read y’all from time to time, even when I am not posting, just because you is smart, you is kind, you is not really important since you’re just a tiny spec in this vast universe, but tell yourself whatever you need to sleep better at night.

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I Support Something Trump Did, And The Reason Will Shock You!

…well, sort of.

Hello dear reader(s)!

I apologize for my brief hiatus.  Actually, it was a knit-boxer hiatus.  Hadn’t done any laundry in a while.  My attorney says that since I wasn’t within 150 feet of a school, I shouldn’t have to register, but that is neither here nor there.

Seriously though, shit came up, I was busy, then more shit happened.  In addition, July is just a shitty month for me, and posting and social media have been far from my mind.  This morning was the icing on the proverbial cake of crap, but I don’t really feel like talking about it right now.

But do you know what I do want to talk about?  Trump.  More specifically, the reasons I agree with his orange, bloated, fascist ass.  …sort of.

Where shall we start?  How about…

Jeffyboy Beuregard Sessions

Trump hates him because he recused himself from the Russian investigation instead of supporting Ze Fuhrer like a good little Nazi.  He is potentially standing in the way of the President firing him and Deputy Attorney General Rosenstein who apparently doesn’t want Ze Fuhrer to fire Special Counsel Mueller who is currently investigating Ze Fuhrer in the Russian matter.

I hate him because in all other ways, he is a good little Nazi.  The racist, homophobic piece of shit wants to reignite a drug-war that is always unfairly waged at minorities, wants to allow police to seize your property easier even when you’re not convicted of any crime, wants to override states’ decisions on marijuana using complete and total lies and fabrications as justification, and is currently arguing that homosexuals are not protected from workplace discrimination.  I’d love to see Trump curbstomp this motherfucker, if it weren’t for the fact that Trump would only be doing so to circumvent justice.

Please note:  I am not advocating for anyone to actually commit violence against the racist piece of shit that is Jeff Sessions, even Fuhrer Trump, as that would be illegal.  Yes, that’s the only reason.  

Steve Bannon

Fuck this Nazi, Breitbart, Joseph Goebbles wanna-be fucking ass-clown.  I HATE this motherfucker.  Apparently Trump must too, because he just let his newly appointed Press Secretary Anthony Scaramucci say on the record, “I’m not Steve Bannon, I’m not trying to suck my own cock.”  He also said that Steve Bannon was trying to build his own brand off the strength of the President.  I find that to be odd, given that Steve Bannon’s propaganda arm is what led to any strength their so-called President has, but, what the fuck ever.

Anyway, while I am inclined to believe that Steve Bannon regularly does try, (and likely fails, I mean, obvious compensation here) to suck his own cock, I am not certain I agree with the reasons Trump is apparently endorsing this language.  Steve Bannon is the one who rebranded being a fucking Nazi.  He is a fucking Nazi, claiming to be a Lenninist, wrapped up in a big bag of Trump’s sweaty ball cheese.

He also reportedly has been pushing for raising the top marginal tax rate in this country, which is the real reason I am sure that he now appears to be persona non grata within Trump’s shitty little club.  I guess Ze Fuhrer could overlook all that hate and lies, but he crossed the line by trying to raise taxes on him and his rich fucking cunt buddies.

Reince Priebus

I hate this motherfucker.  This guy made Trump possible when he was chairman of the RNC.  This motherfucker posed in front of the Confederate Flag and essentially reignited Nixon’s “Southern Strategy” before Trump was even running.  He was a Tea Partier (you remember them, the backers of Sarah Palin who used racism to rile up voters into thinking the ACA was actually going to be worse for them than nothing at all), and really took the Republicans back to the dog-whistle politics that were always happening, but were not so blatant.  He is more responsible for the rise of hate in this country than just about anyone else.

All that was cool though, when Trump needed a Chief of Staff.  No biggie.

But the Trump administration leaks like a fucking sieve, and can’t govern worth of shit.  Nobody is loyal to the CuntManHole-In-Chief and since Reinhold Richard (actual name, why “Reince” is better to him is fucking beyond me) is the chief of that disloyal, leaky staff.  Trump is too much of a narcissist to possibly consider for a moment it might be him, so down goes Reince.

All that is evidenced by n00b Press Secretary Anthony “Two Yutes” Scaramucci saying that Reince is a paranoid schizophrenic who is going to be fired shortly.

Awesome, but all for the wrong reasons.

…and finally…

The Ban On Transgender Soldiers In The Military

Hear me out on this one.

I think this is awesome!  Can we also ban men and women from serving in the military?

Maybe then, Canada will annex us.

Note:  I am not advocating for or assisting in any actual foreign invasion of the United States, because that might be illegal (depending on your interpretation, and what friends in Washington you have).  

Have a good day everyone, while we still can.

The Downside To Inspiration

Hello dear reader(s)!

I have been on a creative tear again recently.  I am feeling inspired again and I am extremely happy about it.

Some of my past periods of heavy inspiration have been from longing for someone, or from a depression, or out of boredom, or simply a need to do something other than the standard birth-school-work-retirement-death cycle that people live.  But not this time.

This time I am inspired because I am happy.  I am happy, and I feel like the me that was suppressed by my unhappy situation is breaking out and making itself known once again.

Okay, and maybe there is some longing in there too, but muses are a good thing, right?

I started a painting yesterday that I am very happy with.  I intend to finish it tomorrow and will be adding something I haven’t really done before, so I hope I don’t screw up all the work I have already done on it.

Because I am sorry Bob Ross, there are mistakes.

I’m pretty sure if I hose it up too bad, I can cover it up, however.

I’ve also been writing music again and am trying to learn how to make some crafty-type-things that I want to do.

I don’t paint or write music thinking I am any good at either, just like I don’t write this here blog-type-thing thinking I am a good writer (I mean, have you read this crap?), I do it because something inside of me says that I have to.

And oftentimes that thing is in response to something.  But not now.  Now it is me just doing it for myself and whoever may or may not enjoy what I have to offer.

But, like everything in life, there are downsides to this little creative burst.  They are as follows:

  1. It can be messy  I don’t know, you might end up with paint on your face, or in your hair, and if it isn’t at least all over your hands, you have no business painting.  Either that or you are some super-human freak who needs to use your magic for more than keeping paint off your hands.  The world needs it.
  2. It can suck away your time  “I’m just going to finish this little tree here,” you say four hours ago as you are now working on something about thirty steps away from that little tree.  You don’t even notice until it is becoming too dark to see your work.
  3. You forgo important things  During that time you were supposedly just finishing that little tree, you should have had lunch, checked the mail, evacuated the building because of that inferno.  Now you are dead, all because you were feeling creative.  Good job.
  4. Your relationships can suffer  “Yes baby, I know you want me to do dirty things to you, but I just need to finish this little tree,” you say as she walks out of your door forever.  Then you end up painting her underneath that tree as a way to express your sadness she left, when you could have just done dirty to things to her under a real tree.
  5. Your neighbors will hate you  Particularly if you choose music as your creative outlet and sing as poorly as I do.
  6. It can be expensive  Art supplies, musical instruments, attorney fees for fighting your noise complaints, fines for losing that fight, new houses so you don’t have to deal with noise complaints, sound-proofing for when someone new moves in next door…all of this can add up.
  7. You start to associate with flaky artist types  But you can understand why they are so flaky now because when you are inspired you forget to eat.
  8. It isn’t sustainable  Some periods of inspiration last longer than others.  Sometimes the crashes between times when you’re inspired are so short you hardly notice.  But, eventually, there will be that crash.  And it will feel like your whole world has fallen apart.  You will lie in sorrow, unable to remember a time when you saw life in any real color.  You will feel as though you are endlessly falling, with nobody or nothing to catch you.  But if you’re smart, you will remember that feeling a make a great masterwork that everyone who has ever felt uninspired can relate to when you are feeling inspired once more.  Or, if you’re like me, you will get sick from the expenditure of effort and energy you can’t continue with for too long.
  9. People will think you are an attention whore  Because you kind of are.  If you weren’t, you wouldn’t show anyone else your creations.  You would keep them solely for yourself in your little studio to be found by family who completely devalues them when they go through your things after you die.  But being an attention whore isn’t as bad as it may sound.  Take it from me, the great, Joshua Wrenn of MyFridayBlog™.  Love me!
  10. The cats keep trying to paw at your painting and almost knocked over the paint thinner even know they are never allowed to go up there and never do when there isn’t some sort of project they could ruin sitting there!  

Well dear reader(s), I had better get going.  I wasted a lot of time being inspired today and I got important life stuff to consider doing before ultimately putting off.

What inspires you?

Amazing Special Offer!

Hello dear reader(s)!

Are you tired, bored, or listless?   Is something that is out of your control weighing heavily on your mind?  Are you struggling to get out of bed or up off the couch because nothing really sounds good to you?

Well, have I got an offer for you!!!!

(I don’t know, do I?)

I have come across a product, so ingenious, so revolutionary, so amazing, that I simply need to share it with you dear reader(s)!

How much would you expect to pay for one product that could solve all of the problems mentioned earlier?

Would you pay $100?

How about $50?

How about $40?

How about three easy payments of $9.95?

Well you’re not going to have to pay that much.

I think you’ll agree, the solution to these problems is priceless.

But for an unlimited time only, I’m offering this product to you, my dear reader(s), absolutely free of charge!!!!    (Shipping and handling not included.)

Today’s amazing special offer?

Force yourself to get up, and go take a walk in nature.

That’s what I’m going to now.

Have a great day, everyone.

 

The Bill Of Rights, Explained

Hello dear reader(s)!

Many Americans do not know, or misinterpret the first ten amendments to the Constitution, heretofore known as the Bill Of Rights.  As we face ever-increasing division and tension in this country, it is more imperative than ever that we all know and understand the Bill Of Rights, so that when they are violated, we can go cry about it in our safe spaces.

To help in this endeavor, we once again welcome Joshua Wrenn, GED to explain what these amendments are, and interpret them in a non-biased way.  He will first give the amendment, then a conservative and liberal view, and then the actual meaning as exists today.

Let’s all welcome Joshua back.

Josh:  Welcome Joshua.  What makes you qualified to speak about the Bill Of Rights?

Joshua:  I’m a goddamned ‘Merican citizen, born and raised, motherfucker.  That’s what.  And don’t you think they asked me questions about the Bill Of Rights on my goddamned GED test?  

Josh:  I don’t know.  Did they?

Joshua:  Fuck if I know, man.  That shit was years ago.  I don’t remember.  I didn’t even study.  No classes for it back then.  Just took the test, and BAM!  GE-motherfuckin’ D.  

Josh:  Fascinating.  Can we get started?

Joshua:  I start when I’m goddamned good and ready.  That’s in the Bill Of Rights!  

Josh:  No, it isn’t.

Joshua:  Whatever, libtard.  I’m ready.  

Amendment I

Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the government for a redress of grievances.

Conservative view:  You all are congress now.  I get to say what I want, where I want, when I want, free from any consequences and if you don’t like it you’re violating my free speech and are a sissy, snowflake, liberal cuck.  Unless you disagree with me and your protesting causes me inconvenience, in which case you need to be shot!

Liberal view:  This includes civil disobedience too!  And this means that government employees can’t be religious!

Actual meaning:  Pretty much what it says.

Amendment II

A well regulated militia, being necessary to the security of a free state, the right of the people to keep and bear arms, shall not be infringed.

Conservative view:  Me and brother Timmy are a militia!  We should get anti-tank weapons too!  Guns for everyone, and fuck learning how to use them safely!

Liberal view:  Only states get to set up militias.  No guns for you.

Actual meaning:  This is the stupidest fucking sentence ever written.  It is grammatically idiotic.  One does not seem to equal the other to some, and to some it does.  This needs explanation.  A Supreme Court could interpret this, since that’s their fucking job.  Maybe amend this amendment.  At this point, it means what you want it to, if you’re on the court.

Amendment III

No soldier shall, in time of peace be quartered in any house, without the consent of the owner, nor in time of war, but in a manner to be prescribed by law.

Conservative view:  Is this about guns?  No?  Who cares?

Liberal view:  Well that’s good.  I was very worried that the military may try to commandeer my studio for their headquarters.

Actual meaning:  If a dude with an M4A1 is wanting to sleep in your house because shit is going down in your country, you probably don’t want to tell him about this amendment.

Amendment IV

The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated, and no warrants shall issue, but upon probable cause, supported by oath or affirmation, and particularly describing the place to be searched, and the persons or things to be seized.

Conservative view:  This amendment does not exist.

Liberal view:  We wish this amendment still existed.

Actual meaning:  This amendment may as well not exist.

Amendment V

No person shall be held to answer for a capital, or otherwise infamous crime, unless on a presentment or indictment of a grand jury, except in cases arising in the land or naval forces, or in the militia, when in actual service in time of war or public danger; nor shall any person be subject for the same offense to be twice put in jeopardy of life or limb; nor shall be compelled in any criminal case to be a witness against himself, nor be deprived of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law; nor shall private property be taken for public use, without just compensation.

Conservative view:  Too many rights for criminals!

Liberal view:  All I know is I get to invoke this to not answer questions because I saw it on Law and Order.

Actual meaning:  Legal rights.  Get a lawyer to work these for you.

Amendment VI

In all criminal prosecutions, the accused shall enjoy the right to a speedy and public trial, by an impartial jury of the state and district wherein the crime shall have been committed, which district shall have been previously ascertained by law, and to be informed of the nature and cause of the accusation; to be confronted with the witnesses against him; to have compulsory process for obtaining witnesses in his favor, and to have the assistance of counsel for his defense.

Conservative view:  But, budget cuts!

Liberal view:  But, budget cuts!

Actual meaning:  Nullified due to budget cuts.

Amendment VII

In suits at common law, where the value in controversy shall exceed twenty dollars, the right of trial by jury shall be preserved, and no fact tried by a jury, shall be otherwise reexamined in any court of the United States, than according to the rules of the common law.

Conservative view:  Wait, so I can get a jury trial for my neighbor not returning my garden hose?

Liberal view:  $20?  I mean, don’t we adjust for inflation?

Actual meaning:  Pretty much what it says, oddly enough.

Amendment VIII

Excessive bail shall not be required, nor excessive fines imposed, nor cruel and unusual punishments inflicted.

Conservative view:  Too many rights for criminals!

Liberal view:  Could you imagine if this amendment was adhered to?

Actual meaning:  Since excessive is not spelled out, this is pretty much meaningless.  Entire governments are almost totally funded on bail and excessive fines.

Amendment IX

The enumeration in the Constitution, of certain rights, shall not be construed to deny or disparage others retained by the people.

Conservative view:  What’s an enumeration?

Liberal view:  I am a person and I have rights I make up so just because it isn’t listed here doesn’t mean you can violate them!

Actual meaning:  If rights are listed elsewhere, but not here in this document, that doesn’t mean that they are no longer valid, boneheads.

Amendment X

The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor prohibited by it to the states, are reserved to the states respectively, or to the people.

Conservative view:  State’s rights!  Except in cases of marijuana and other things we think are bad!

Liberal view:  Power to the people!

Actual meaning:  This is kind of bullshit, because the Supreme Court will find for the federal government because of the Commerce Clause.  An example would be when marijuana is seized within a state that legalized marijuana by the federal government and the Supreme Court says that because the marijuana “could have” entered the larger interstate marijuana market, that federal marijuana prohibitions trump state laws because the federal government can regulate interstate commerce.  In other words, the Supreme Court will interpret this amendment out of existence any chance they get.

So there you have it, dear reader(s), The Bill Of Rights.  Confused?  Don’t worry, that just makes you an American.  

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Things That Make Me Happy

Hello dear reader(s)!

It is I, Sidney Feldman.  * (Not really, that’s from Grosse Pointe Blank.)

It is me, Josh.  I am here once again, because there are things I should be doing that are more important than posting, but I am tired and don’t feel like getting going yet, and I miss posting and reading, and am drinking my coffee and having a bagel trying to wake up anyway, and I enjoy writing run-on sentences, and things are on my mind that make me want to post, and I want everyone to know that I have not abandoned, nor do I plan to abandon this here blog-type-thing now or at any time in the foreseeable future, provided nothing catastrophic should happen, (knock on wood), and that I even intend to return to daily or more posting in a couple of weeks, and that I really should have made these separate sentences but I didn’t because I enjoy frustrating Nazis, whether they are of the grammar variety or not.

I am actually in a fairly good mood this morning, despite the recent loss of yet another relationship that I really believed had potential to stay happy for a very long time.  I’m actually happy for the lesson learned.  It was a new one, when I thought I pretty much knew what to look for, and what to avoid.  Like sores.  I know to avoid sores.  I’ve known that for a long time, and that has always been quite beneficial.

Learning is just one of the many things that makes me happy.  I like when the lessons are a bit easier than the last one, because I didn’t need to learn it so harshly, but I am trying to look on the bright side here so get off my fucking back already.

What else makes me happy?  Well…

  • Coffee  I mean, sometimes, sitting quietly and drinking a cup of coffee can be the most soothing feeling in the world except right after you cum.
  • Friends  I have periods of time not speaking with a lot of my friends.  Sometimes, they deserved it, sometimes I did, and sometimes, it was just a circumstance.  But some of my friends have been there for me over and over again, and I really appreciate them.  Except for you, Bob.  You’re a dick.
  • Road trips  Ones through places where the weather is expected to cooperate, going somewhere I really want to be, and getting away.  Like the one I am leaving on for in 5 days.  Ones where I do not have car trouble, gas is cheap, and the drive is safe and leisurely.  (Knock on wood.)  Ones where I do not have to be cavity searched by a cop unless she is really into me, which I guess she would be at that point, but I mean on a non-professional level.
  • People who are strong enough to overcome their Stockholm Syndrome  Gee Josh, that’s an awfully weird thing that makes you happy.  What can I say?  I like what I like.  Maybe for you, it is raindrops on roses or whiskers on kittens, which both are fine, even though that song is shit.  For me, it is people who are strong enough to overcome their Stockholm Syndrome.  Don’t judge me, or else I will imprison you and then indoctrinate you into my cause until you sympathize with my plight and are under my control.
  • Music  I recently upgraded the stereo in the Beastess from the factory model cassette deck to a CD/Bluetooth receiver, and that, has made all the difference.  Not, taking the road less traveled by.  The car stereo.  Now I decide what music I hear, not some corporate executive.  That is the real resistance.  Freedom!
  • Art  A Picasso or a Garfunkle.  (Yes, that is Barenaked Ladies, but it’s one of my favorites.)  Besides, I mean it.  I love art, in most of its forms.  I may not love the finished work, but I usually love that someone decided to express themselves creatively.  I say usually, because, let’s face it, what some call art, I call fascist propaganda designed to divide the proletariat amongst themselves when they really should be made aware of those who are profiting from the strife.  And also, sometimes it’s fucking ugly.
  • Sex  Who’s blog-type-thing did you think you were reading?
  • Fun  We only live once.  Here, in this world, with these bodies.  Who knows what happens after, but I can honestly say that anyone who is 100% certain of it is delusional.  So have some goddamned fun!!!  NOW!  Do IT!  Don’t cry!  You’re having fun!  Right?   Say whee!  SAY IT!!!!!!
  • People who help other people  Especially in times like these, we need all the people who still have good hearts and empathy that we can get.  We need these people now more than ever.  We need these people to take up arms against those who don’t and mow them down like a field of daisies – haha just kidding I am not advocating violence, please don’t throw me in a private, for-profit, slave-labor camp so Jeffy Boy can masturbate to the thoughts of all the undesirables making profits for him and his buddies, since money and oppression are the only things capable of getting him off.
  • Satan  For the record, I do not believe in Satan.  But Satan believes in me and does my bidding.  And, it really is nice when someone believes in you.

Well dear reader(s), I hope reading about what makes me happy made you happy.  If not, maybe you are just an unhappy person who can not be helped even when cavity searched by an attractive officer of the opposite sex unless you are into same-sex relations which is great so long as everyone involved is happy about it.

St. Valentine’s Day For Stupids

Hello dear reader(s)!

Happy St. Valentine’s Day!  If you’re stupid, you may not know what St. Valentine’s Day is all about.  You may not know proper behavior or customs for this day.  Never fear, this article is here to help you avoid the common pitfalls of this day, to keep you from making a major faux pas (facsimile paw) and end up sleeping out on the couch while your significant other is getting railed in your bed by someone else.

The history 

“In order to succeed in the present, one must know the past, provided it is an approved Christian-friendly version of the past that celebrates white supremacy and traditional values of boring sex and loveless servitude-based marriage.” – Betsy DeVos

It all starts in a little town somewhere in Italy which doesn’t matter because it is not in America…

Street Valentino was a young man who was seeking a better life for himself.  A hard worker, and nice guy, he just wanted the opportunity to succeed in something other than the fishing and cheese making his little Italian town was known for.  He decided, like many people, to come to America, land of those who believe they are free.  Before setting sail on the commercial airline, he changed his name to Steve Valentine in order to appear less Italian to the racist and xenophobic Trump supporters.

Upon landing at JFK in New York, Valentine was detained by Customs and Border Patrol thugs because he might be too dark.  After 18 hours of extreme vetting, including multiple cavity searches performed by Billy Billy, and checking all of his social media accounts to ensure that Valentine was not talking shit about Führer Putin or his puppet Trump, he was granted entry into the United States.

Valentine drove to Little Italy.  He loved it, but he thought there was too much concrete.  He missed the rolling hills of his beloved little Italian town and decided he needed to move to somewhere with more open space.  Since he loved Bocce Ball so much, and it reminded him of bowling, he decided the best place to go would be Bowling Green, KY.

The people of Bowling Green were hostile to the newcomer.  Valentine was inundated by comments like, “You need to go back to wherever you came from, you dirty Muslim!” whenever he would try to stop a man from raping his sister.  Even the men’s sisters were hostile at first, because they would shout, “Mind your own business, you dirty Muslim!”  Valentine’s defense that he was actually Roman Catholic fell on deaf ears.

The St. Valentine’s Day Bowling Green Massacre

One day, walking down the street to his job as a pinsetter, Valentine heard cries from a woman yelling for help.  He was hesitant, since every other time he had tried to intervene in a rape he had been told off by both the victim, and her brother, but her cries sounded so sincere that he ran to her aid.

She and Valentine successfully fought off her brother.  As he helped the young woman to her feet, she embraced him in a hug of gratitude.  Unfortunately for Valentine, Kellyanne Conway just happened to be walking by at the time, and in a fit of rage over an obvious Muslim hugging a white woman, she reached into her purse and pulled out an AR-15, shooting Valentine, the woman, the rapist brother on the ground, fourteen innocent bystanders, a poodle, and conveniently for her boss, Michael Flynn.

After police searched the pockets of Valentine, they found this letter to a woman in Italy in his pocket.

Dearest Maria,

I am coming home.  America is not what it used to be.  The people here are crazy, uneducated, and revel in their ignorance.  I long to hold you once more in my arms.  I love you so very much, and though I was going to send for you once established here, it is clear to me that we could lead a far better life back home, or anywhere else, really.  

I guess I’ll just have to tell everyone in Italy first that I discovered the cure for every cancer ever.  

Yours always,

Street Valentino

Tips to make this the best St. Valentine’s Day ever

  1. Resist  
  2. Educate yourself
  3. Love
  4. Be kind
  5. Don’t just do it today
  6. Smile
  7. Enjoy life
  8. Tell people how you feel
  9. Turn off the television
  10. Check sources

Well, dear reader(s), I wish all of you a great and happy St. Valentine’s Day.  Remember that anything else you hear about this day is fake news, and my version of this story is to keep the country safe and shall not be questioned.