Friends, Romans, Countrymen, Dogs, Cats…

Hello dear reader(s)!

I am not writing my book right now.  My computer is getting too hot, and I have a feeling it might take a proverbial dump on me, so I have put off the writing of anything important to me until I can be more assured it will not be lost to the sketchy electronics in this crappy lovely computer.

On the plus side, my blog-type-thing isn’t important to me, which means I can write here until my computer is resigned to the big recycling heap in the sky.  (Recycle it?  Not with MY browsing history!)

So…where did we leave off?

I think we were nearing the meeting of O’Rinn and Alexandra at the battle of Lethos.

Surrounded by the bodies of his fallen enemies, O’Rinn was still feeling the effects of the adrenaline.  He knew if he did not find an outlet, the beast within would once again emerge.  He could not risk his allies from the East learning his truth.  He wanted to tear into someone, but all his opponents were dead.  His blood felt as if it were boiling and his muscles tensed tightly, causing him to look more animal than human.  Indeed, he was, but he knew that to be a secret best kept to himself.  He began his attempts at meditation.  He visualized his home by the rocky shores of the western ocean and attempted to feel the serenity and peace he felt when home.  

Out of the water, she came.  Her dark eyes, both deep and piercing, held his gaze as he looked upon her beauty.  Her raven hair fell onto her pale shoulders.   Her warrior dress seemed to emphasize each and every curve of her body.  Rather than calming the beast, this image of her seemed to only stir the fire within.  As she approached closer, he saw the blood stains she proudly bore upon her clothing, and the ocean scene faded away.  The desolate, bloody battlefield reemerged and still she came closer.  He realized he wasn’t imagining her with the ocean, but knew she was straight out of his dreams.  

“I am eternally grateful to you, great warrior,” she began as she touched his cheek with her fingertips.  “Our people surely would not have survived this onslaught without your courage and skill.”  

O’Rinn replied, “No need to be grateful, we of the Albion have a common enemy.  Nothing more, nothing less.  We are also grateful for your fighters, and especially a woman so brave as yourself.”

“Queen.” Alexandra corrected.  “And since you were clearly ignorant of that fact, I will not be offended that you did not kneel before me.”

“I kneel before no one,” O’Rinn stated with a slightly annoyed tone.

“Your poor lovers,” Alexandra answered as she looked hypnotically into his eyes.  “I am quite certain I will have you kneeling before me by nightfall,” she continued as she removed her hand from his cheek and brought it down to firmly grip his co-

Wait, what?  We didn’t leave off there?!?!!  You mean I hadn’t been posting this story all along?   Oh, well…what do you want from me?

I don’t want to write about current events.  It’s too depressing right now, and there are plenty of people with a much larger influence speaking to it all better than I can.

Life is pretty good, with the exception of health and wishing I were more financially secure, so that is nothing worth writing about either.

I could go into more details about my health, but I am still coming to grips with the reality that there is no getting better from this.  I had always thought that if I could just take care of X, Y, and Z, that I could resume a somewhat normal and independent life, and learning that there is no taking care of X, Y, and Z is a little hard to handle.  Symptom management with little results seems to be all I can do.  At least I won’t be wasting as much co-pays on different specialists who can’t do anything for me anymore.  It is too depressing to think about for very long.

I fell backward and stepped on my phone last week.   My replacement phone literally just arrived a minute ago.  It is amazing how much you don’t realize you use your phone until you don’t have one.  It is pathetic how much I have come to rely on it.  I mostly miss the camera.  It is hard to take naughty pictures while holding up my computer.  (Kidding.  It is actually easy to take naughty pictures using my computer.)  (Kidding, I don’t take naughty pictures*, unless you count taking pictures of the naughty food treats my fiance spoils me with.)  (*Subject to change based on finances.)

Anyway, I guess what I am saying, is that I am probably back for now, but might just write a bunch of stories because there really isn’t much I want to talk about and I am not yet at the point where I need to start camming in order to keep afloat.

I hope you all are doing well, and are enjoying the day of labor.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Advertisements

What In The Actual F-ck?!?

Hello dear reader(s)!

Guess who’s back?  Back again?  Josh is back.  Sorry.

I know I keep saying that I will post more consistently.  Then I post for a couple days straight, and drop off for like a week.  My bad.  I keep thinking I can actually manage this.  Lately however, I just can’t.  In fact, I literally can’t even.  Yes, one pumpkin spice frappuccino for McKenzie too.

So what in actual fuck, Josh?  Where you been?  Why the long face?  You’re not a horse.

Well, I’ve been here, mostly.  But I’ve been tired.  Tired as fuck.  In the world of fucked-up medical shit, we like to call it fatigue.  Actually, we like to call it napping, but tomato tomato.  I’m not going to call the whole thing off, however.  Anything you can do I can do better.  Anyway…

I’ve been furiously trying to figure out what the hell is wrong with me.  Between my GI symptoms, a few other ones, and the fatigue, I was getting scared.

Fortunately, my fiance (yup, I’m engaged), is a super sleuth and figured out what is going on that some really great doctors couldn’t figure out during literal YEARS of complaining.  (Literally.)  The tendency of doctors to look at individual symptoms as separate systems requiring separate specialists causing separate tests and separate co-pays and co-insurance amounts, caused them all to overlook something wrong that ties it all together and makes perfect sense given something else we already knew was wrong.  So now I know what the problem is, (besides run-on sentences) the only issue is that it seems to be one of those “tough shit, get used it” type of issues.  It is still somewhat comforting to know that I am not losing my mind, (well…totally, anyway), and there IS a physical reason for all of these issues.

Anywho, this is good news for my writing, as now I will likely be seeing less doctors to try to find something that isn’t there (That colonoscopy sure was shitty.  Get it?  Shitty?) and will be less likely to try to force myself to do things I can’t do.  That means more time at home, where a computer will likely be handy.

But…my writing may soon start to move away from this here blog-type-thing on a temporary basis.  I am going to begin considering beginning to plan the beginning of the study of whether or not I should begin to plan the beginning of the process for beginning to write my book, starting all the way from the beginning.  Good for my writing, bad for this here blog-type-thing.  Unless I get stuck, and decide to post in this here blog-type-thing as a way to break up the monotony, since Mono and Tony have drifted apart since becoming a Hollywood power couple anyway.

So now that y’all know what is up, I guess I should grace you all with one of my rants, y’all have come to know and despise.

Ready?  Okay!  Be aggressive, B-E aggressive!

YOU CAN’T BE A RACIST AND A PAGAN!!!!

You can, I guess, but you’re a fucking idiot and should call yourself something else.  In a system of beliefs of honoring many different Goddesses and Gods as a representation of the natural forces that created all, your superiority complex does not jive.  You know not of what you speak, you know not of what you claim to be, and if you show up to any of my pagan events I will personally cut your fucking heart out with my athame.

You are not welcome in my community.  You are not welcome near my path.  You should not be welcome anywhere on this planet, but not everyone has standards.  Fuck off, and die, you Nazi trash pieces of shit.  Tell your chosen Gods they can go fuck themselves if they support you.  (They don’t.)

If you are a pagan, and want more acceptance of your belief system, and less persecution from others, you need to be calling out these racist fucks trying to twist your path to justify their hate too.  Just because hardly any of the followers of the Abrahamic religions do it, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t too.  We need to tell these fuck-bags they do not have a home in our communities.  

On a happier note, I choose high C.  I think high C is a happy note.  Yes, if it is part of a minor chord, it could be sad, but the note itself is happy.  It is so happy, it 1046.502 hertz.

Okay, dear reader(s), that’s all for me.  Let’s recap what we have learned today, shall we?  No?  Too bad!

I will not be posting very consistently (big shocker, and nothing new), but for different reasons, and I hate my health.  Please refer any additional questions to my counsel, who doesn’t exist.

Finally, I will still try and read y’all from time to time, even when I am not posting, just because you is smart, you is kind, you is not really important since you’re just a tiny spec in this vast universe, but tell yourself whatever you need to sleep better at night.

1/4-Ass Post

Hello dear reader(s)!

I had doctor appointments today.   Good times.   So I’ll be back tomorrow.   That’s why you’re getting this quarter-assed post from me today.   I’d call it a half-assed post, but that would require twice as much effort.

Okay, so…that’s about it for this one.  Maybe I should’ve called this 1/16-assed post.

Friends With Benefits

Hello dear reader(s)!

This post is not about fuck buddies.  I am talking about the kind of benefits you might get from a job.  Benefits like good health insurance, 401K, a pension (if they still have those, and won’t sue to get out of them later), short and long-term disability benefits, a large coke, and a side of onion rings.

I remember when I didn’t have any benefits.  I had friends with benefits, that I was very jealous of.  Having no health insurance sucked.  I was always scared something catastrophic would happen if I were to get sick or injured.  I racked up a lot of medical debt during that time, from the non-catastrophic but still emergent things I needed done.

Eventually, I got a job with good benefits.  It came right in time as only about a year later I really started showing signs that I had cancer.  I was extremely fortunate to have had that job and those benefits when I did.  My company self-insured, but used a major insurance company to administer their plan.  It was a great plan, much better than any of the standard plans you see on the exchanges, or even with a good Medicare Advantage plan.

Now class, pay attention, because here is where I propose a plan for healthcare in this nation that might actually be feasible.  Ready?

Start by taking away the exchange and individual insurance markets from the health insurance companies, and give everyone not on a group plan Medicare.  We will not get a Medicare-for-all system as long as these companies are buying our politicians.  Even taking away the individual markets will require some strength on the part of those in power, but it will make those officials hugely popular with their constituents.  In exchange for losing the individual markets to Medicare, they can open their Medicare Supplemental and Medicare Advantage plans to those new Medicare recipients, provided those plans closed the donut-hole for prescriptions.  Some revenue for them would be better than none to them, which is the only other viable alternative.

In the meantime, the insurance companies can continue to insure and administer group plans, but all ACA requirements on plan quality must remain, and the plans must cover at least what Medicare does, for less cost to the employee, so that those plans are not seen as punishment for working.  Health coverage from a job should be an actual benefit.

Medicare should be allowed to then negotiate with pharmaceutical companies and other provider groups to lower healthcare costs.

My proposal would be paid for by lifting the payroll tax cap, a cut to the growth rate of our defense budget, and by folding the VA into the new Medicare system, and selling the facilities and assets to private hospital groups to be privately run, provided they agree to all of Medicare’s rules.  Our veterans will no longer have to wait and be neglected at some sub-standard facility.  Veteran’s Medicare would not have coinsurance but would be administered by Medicare rather than having a separate department and more overhead.

I would attempt to phase out the insurance companies from group plans as well, allowing those companies to reconfigure and find other ways to remain in business, but that would likely be a non-starter until automation has made employment obsolete and most of us are on a universal basic income.

Any representative who wishes to advance this or a similar proposal in order to fix the broken healthcare system in this country is more than welcome to do so, and can take all the credit for it.

The only thing I ask in return is that I have healthcare when I need it.

 

 

 

For-Profit

Hello dear reader(s)!

Watch any sports lately?  How about a cooking show?  See any commercials?  Were any of them for alcohol?

In a few minutes, I am probably going to have a special (cannabis infused) brownie.  (Tomorrow I have shit to do, or else I might tomorrow too.)  Part of it will be for my chemotherapy-induced neuropathy pain that is acting up.  Part of it will be to help my anxiety that is so strong this month.  Part of it will be to give me the appetite I need to eat dinner tonight.  Part of it will be because it seems to (seems to because I have no actual studies that show causation) keep my blood counts a bit higher than they are when I have not had any in a while.  Part of it will be to try to prevent some of the nightmares I get this month from coming tonight.

But part of it?  Part of it will just be to help me relax a bit.

And yet, on the federal level, this is a crime.  Jeffy-boy and company do not care for it one bit.  That’s fine, they don’t have to have any.  More for us.

Why is this a problem?

Do you know what I have never seen?  I have never seen a person under the influence of marijuana (and only marijuana) hit their spouse.  I have never seen a person under the influence of marijuana start a bar fight.  I have never seen a person under the influence of marijuana think they are invincible and can drive one hundred miles per hour even though they are too drunk to stand.  And most importantly, I have never seen a person turn yellow and die a slow, horrible death from liver failure because of marijuana.

Guess what I’ve seen from people under the influence of legal, advertised alcohol?

I use cannabis for pain.  I use it to help me relax.  I use it for many reasons.  Because of that, I don’t feel like I need many prescription drugs I would have no problems getting legally.  I had a prescription for heavy opioids before I started realizing the full benefits of cannabis.  You will never catch me at a park with a needle in my arm.  You will never catch me with a brown bag over a bottle.  I have something much safer that is so much more effective with fewer side-effects.

I think it is hilarious that the supposed free-market loving Republicans are against legalizing marijuana.   Taking money from the alcohol lobby and the pharmaceutical lobby to keep it illegal in order to protect the inferior products that are marketed and pushed to us like all the processed crappy food was when I was growing up.

And let’s talk about that food.  Remember when people thought butter was horrible, and margarine was the healthy way to go?  Or the “Low Fat” food was a good thing?  Or avocados were bad because they were fatty fruits?

We are living in an age of capitalism out of control.  When the need for more money puts a large number of people, even entire societies at risk, maybe there needs to be a different way.

It’s no secret that I have considered myself a Democratic Socialist long before I knew who Bernie Sanders was.  But as I see the horrible things companies are doing with our food, our medicine, our healthcare, and housing all in the name of profit, I am digging in even more than ever.  I wonder how these fucking pieces of shit sleep at night.  Maybe on all those dangerous drugs they bribe your doctor into prescribing.

I am not anti-medicine.  I do not believe cannabis cures most things.  I do, based on my own experiences and the studies that have been able to be conducted, believe that it treats and can help prevent many things.  And I am certain that it is only being kept illegal at the federal level in order to protect the profits of industries that trade off of inferior substances.

I choose not to participate.  I will do my own research, and I will try what I choose.  And if something works better for me, that’s what I will do.

I will not eat the artificial everything plus preservatives if I can find fresh and real.  I will not take the synthetic, physically addictive, mildly effective, side-effect prone pill if I know my natural medicine would do a better job of treating the condition.

My life is not for the profit of others.

A Revelation

Hello dear reader(s)!

How the fuck are ya?

I’m a bit better today.  If you read yesterday’s post (Why would you do that to yourself?), then you may have guessed I have been a bit down in the dumps lately due to my anxiety and some adjustment to the stresses that have occurred in my life recently.  A lot of big shit has happened recently, both good and bad, and unfortunately for me, the big bad shit has a tendency to get its stink all over the big good shit so that in my head they almost become indistinguishable from each other.

My feelings of self-worth have been very low.  Being unable to work and enduring a constant attack on people like me from those who are supposedly elected to represent us is taking its toll.  It isn’t just coming from them either (although I suspect that is coloring the opinions of others) as some former friends have also looked down upon me and taken advantage of my limited independence and the situations it has forced me to be in.

With my lousy financial outlook, my physical health battles, and my mental health battles, it has been hard to boost my self-esteem.  I have been feeling like a burden to everyone I know, and to society in general.

And so, in the middle of a massive bout with anxiety yesterday, I had a big, special brownie (Heck of a job, brownie!) and began thinking about myself from a mind that was quieted slightly.  With the replay of self-loathing turned down, I began to objectively look at the person I am, and I had a revelation.

So now, I shall read to you from the book of Special Brownie Revelations, 3:16.

And lo, Josh stopped to think about it, and saw that he is pretty kick-ass.  

It’s true, I am dependent on other people.  Likely always will be.  That does suck.  However, I bring a lot to the table.  Things I think matter a whole lot more than the list of cons that often causes me to feel like I am not good enough.

And now, I present to you, in the order I decided to type them out…

All the reasons I am fucking better than I sometimes think.

  • I am generous  I don’t have a lot, but make me care about you and you will get all I have.  I’d give those I love the skin off my back if that was ever necessary.
  • I am different  I don’t see things like most people. It has allowed me to treat people with respect and a kindness most people don’t expect.
  • I am generous  In bed too.
  • I am open-minded  Not hurting anyone that isn’t an adult who wants to be hurt?  Cool!
  • I am empathetic  This is good and bad, because it means I absorb all of other people’s shit, but it is good because I can relate and care about people and all they face, unless they are total hateful assholes or those who have betrayed me.
  • I have a sense of humor  So what if most of my jokes are cheesy?  At least I can tell them.
  • I am humble  Which is hard when I’m perfect in every way.
  • I am creative  Which is far better than being purely destructive.
  • I make lists of reasons I am better than I sometimes think when I am trying to pull out of bad head space rather than being a whiny piece of shit who decides life is too hard for them and so they get a gun and shoot up former co-workers or exes or some other poor people they blame for the fact that life is just sometimes hard and unfair.  

Anyway, long story slightly less long…

Thank you everyone who read and commented on yesterday’s post.  There is still a ways to go, but I am a bit better today and appreciate everyone’s kindness.

Have a great day and don’t do any mass shootings.

Fuck Anxiety

Hello dear reader(s)!

Last night after midnight (I guess that makes it early morning), I made the mistake of reading my “On This Day” feed from Facebook.  Today in my history is a very bad day.  No matter who I love now, or how much, the fact remains that two years ago today, I walked with the person I loved into the hospital and she never walked out.  So I couldn’t sleep last night after that.  Today, I am totally fucked up.

On top of that, I am not the only one in the house with bad anxiety.  So, yeah.

I am very happy I have reentered the blog-type-thinging world.  It is a coping mechanism.  Coping mechanisms are vital to get through this bullshit.

One of the big issues I have with anxiety though, is that I feel very unmotivated to ever even begin doing any of the things that help me to cope.  Once I force myself, I feel better, but I really have to force it.

People who know me, know I have been through a lot.  A multi-year long battle against my body is really no fun at all.  I have been hospitalized so much that I could fake being a doctor.  I still have so many issues years after the cancer is gone.

And yet, I think the toll it (and everything else) has taken on my mind is far worse.  I am not certain that 100% of the fatigue I feel so often is purely due to the damage from the treatment and all the complications.  I am beginning to believe a lot of it is purely due to the damage it has caused my mind.

I like cannabis for my anxiety, but I do not like being high ALL the time, so I use it sparingly.  It was made recreational legal (at the state level, fuck you Jeffyboy!) here and so I occasionally enjoy an edible for it.  I am very anti-driving under any type of influence though, and so even if I didn’t mind being high all of the time, I couldn’t use it every time I felt it would help.  I’ve tried the CBD stuff with no success.  There has to be some THC in it to help me.

Pharmaceuticals for anxiety are a fucking joke.  I’ve been on Ativan and Clonazepam and they both make me feel like fucking zombie (all the impairment of cannabis, without the pleasant feeling) and are highly addictive and can kill you if you run out.  That knowledge does not exactly help one’s anxiety.

“Hey, guess what, anxious person?  The doctor who refills your medication is on a fucking vacation and you can’t get a refill because the DEA has decided that drugs are bad, Mm’Kay?  So, too bad, so sad if the withdrawals kill you.”

So I don’t use that pharmaceutical poison.  It isn’t that effective, and the side effects are prohibitively awful.  In other words, like a lot of my conditions, I just have to deal.

I take no medicine for my neuropathy (although the cannabis can help with that too) because the medicine for it is worse than the pain.  Being in constant pain isn’t good for anxiety either.  But knowing that most legal medicines are actually rather terrible and pushed on us like candy causes a little anxiety too.

It is no wonder people drink themselves to death.  There is no really effective way to just stop the wheels is our head from spinning without some kind of substance.  Pharmaceuticals are dangerous and ineffective.  Alcohol is also very, very dangerous and causes severe rebound anxiety.  Cannabis is pretty effective, but is not federally legal (and therefore not as widely available), and comes with a ridiculous stigma associated with it.  It also causes some intoxication and sometimes you just don’t want to be intoxicated.  Out of all the substances, I will choose cannabis, but I wish there was some way just to cure this fucking head disease.  I have tried therapy, and while I have learned some techniques to manage it better, it sure as hell doesn’t make it go away.

In the meantime, I will just cope the best I can, like I always do.