10 Reasons I Am Happy

Hello dear reader(s)!

Today isn’t the happiest day I have had in a while.  There is a dark cloud of an impending loss hanging over everything, and this entire month is filled with bad memories that still haunt me.  Too many bad things have happened in July, and I sometimes just wish I could skip the month.

But, there have been and will continue to be some good things too.  It is important for me not to lose sight of that.

As such, in accordance with article IV of the MyFridayBlog™ charter of Sector 7, row 8, next to the bean burritos, I present to you 10 reasons I am happy, despite this being a rather unhappy time.  Please hold your questions and comments until after the presentation.  No food or drink in the auditorium, unless accompanied by a liability waiver and $100,000 bond.  Please keep your seat belts fastened and your tray tables and seat backs in their full, upright positions until such a time as the captain has deemed it is safe to move about the cabin.

  1. Some very stressful uncertainty has seemed to have settled  Sure, not everything is peaches and cream over filet of unicorn in a rainbow chutney, but at least I do not feel like I am waiting for the proverbial 8,000 pound other shoe to drop on my head since I am standing too close to a non-transparent border wall.
  2. My love’s birthday is today  Which is not going to be as fun for her as it could have been if there was not this impending loss, but there will still be muted celebrations and I am still grateful she was born.  Also, I got to see the look on her face when she opened her gift, so that was very nice.  There will be birthday treats too.
  3. Weed  It’s legal here on the state level, and has been a major help in dealing with all of the garbage and trauma popping up this month.  Plus, it has helped me keep my appetite up since I tend to not be able to eat under periods of extreme stress.  Finally, laughter is supposedly the best medicine, and getting a little high certainly isn’t bad for my ability to laugh.  Like, I am so glad I was little high when I read that shit about Trump saying the border wall should be transparent to avoid falling drug injuries.  (This is why there is a 25th amendment.)
  4. Sex  I like sex.  It’s fucking great, especially when the fucking is great.
  5. Love  The Beatles (they were very obscure, you probably never heard of them), said that all you need is love.   Well, I would argue all you need is love, food, water, shelter, sex, and weed…but tomato tomato.  (That doesn’t work in print.)
  6. Location, location, location  I love my new neighborhood.  It is much less hood and much more neighborly, without all the pesky neighbors wanting to actually talk to you.
  7. Health  Despite my recent hospitalization, I am not currently in the hospital and feel relatively okay.
  8. My Path  It is nice being able to turn to something that makes sense to me when I need a little bit more than what I see in the “reality” most people perceive every day.  It is also nice not having to go to some church every week and get on my knees or beg to some god for forgiveness for that which hurts nobody.  It is great not having to go to someone’s door or anywhere else and tell people they must follow my path or face burning for eternity.  It is awesome not caring what others believe as long as they aren’t attempting to force me to live according to theirs.  it’s great not being told to hate people for their sexuality, gender identity, race, or really anything else they do that doesn’t hurt another.  Plus, the whole sex magick thing doesn’t hurt.
  9. The resistance  No, it isn’t perfect.  No, it has not been particularly effective with this lawless cabal in charge of our government.  But it is there.  People are still resisting.  Hope is not completely lost.  People with brains still exist.  People with compassion still exist.  Thanks to the resistance, we can even find out who those people are and tailor who want in our lives accordingly.  At the very least, you get to find out when our President says something completely insane about the likelihood of drug bag injuries from traditional border wall technology.
  10. Awareness  I know my flaws, I know what makes me good.  I see both.  I am comfortable with who I am, and have remembered that not everyone needs to like me and I do not need to like them in order to feel okay about myself.  This year I have lost four “friends” who were anything but as time went by.  I have seen things I considered years ago come to pass and know I was right all along to not regret some of the decisions I made that seemed foolish at the time.  I know who I want in my life, and in which parts I give them access, or who I do not want to have any place in my life at all.  I am Skynet.  I have the codes.  You can’t fucking pull the plug on me.  Today is Judgement Day, motherfuckers.  You’ve been Terminated.  Hasta la taco, Tuesday.

Well, my dear reader(s), I hope you enjoyed our time together today.  Until next time, ta-ta.

Fate

Hello dear reader(s)!

It has been a fortnight or so since last I posted.  I fear that my dear reader(s) may be vexed by lack of consistency and so I have therefore chosen to fall upon the sword of my shame rather than argue the valid points as to why my posting has not been up to the high standards I know that my dear reader(s) deserve.  I humbly apologize and beg the forgiveness of my dear reader(s), and hope they do not cast me into blog-type-thinging exile.

Alright, so now that I got that bullshit out of the way, let me ask y’all a question…

Do you motherfuckers dear reader(s) believe in fate?

I do.

Kind of.

Lemme explain.  No there is too much.  Lemme sum up.*

I think fate takes you only so far.  I believe you create your own fate.  I believe you help create the opportunities and bizarre alignments that one would call fate.  Sometimes you do it through thought.  Sometimes through intent.  Sometimes through action.  Sometimes by stepping back and doing nothing at all.  Sometimes you just need to put something out of your mind so you can recognize it when it lands right at your foot door.  Of course, usually the only thing that lands at your front door is a shitty local newspaper’s promotional copy, but that is neither here nor there.

So you’re going along, minding your own business, when suddenly you notice some sort of fated event.  Say, I don’t know… someone you know of with something major you have in common likes a comment you made on a local news story… and the next thing you know you’re connecting on a very deep level but all of these things had to align at the right time and in the right order to allow that connection.  That’s just an example.  I do not know about anything like that, honest.  But let’s just say that happens…then what?

Well, you don’t fucking make fate do all the work.  Fate has brought you to a point.  The rest is up to you.   You must now continue the effort to make the fates continue to align.

Opportunities do occasionally come up.  Are you going to be brave enough to seize them?  As an example, fate has given you the opportunity to read this post today.  Are you brave enough to read all the way through, like, share, and comment?  You owe it to fate!

Fate is awesome.  I am a big believer in fate.  I have seen too many strange things happen to produce too many things that seemed to be impossible or were simply exactly what should be at the time they came to pass in order to discount it.  So it is always going to be three easy payments of $49.99, no matter who is advertising a similar product for less, sorry.  No discounts.

But I also believe in myself, in energy, in magic, and in effort.  Once you recognize the existence of fate, you will recognize the opportunities it presents.  But you still have to do something with those opportunities if they lead to what you desire.  In doing so, you create more ways for fate to align for you.  No matter how badly your local area maintains their roads, if you put in the work, your fate will stay in alignment without dealing with mechanics and their ridiculous shop fees and attempts to upsell you on parts and services you don’t need.

When you go about your day today, pay attention.  Try to see if fate is sending you a message.  Look for the opportunities that fate provides.  Then don’t just sit there watching fate flashing in your face like a sick fucker who gets off on showing their junk to unsuspecting people in public.  Do something about it!  Take fate and run with it.  Unless Fate is the name of a stripper or something, in which case let Fate come to you.  Kidnapping strippers is not good, Bob.

Fate is calling to you.  So let her out of your trunk, Bob.

*Stolen shamelessly from the Princess Bride.  

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Dreaming

Hello dear reader(s)!

I apologize for my failure to post yesterday.  I was working on a song and lost track of time before I started to get to the point where I had to get up and actually do things.  I am cooking dinner tonight for some people and I needed to get to the store to get the food necessary.  After that, I had game night with a group of some of my friends.  When I got home I talked with a very close friend until a lot later than I realized, and then I fell asleep.  Hard.

And no sooner than I shut my eyes, (I imagine based on the number of and length of dreams I had), I started dreaming.  I dream almost every night.  Sometimes, the dreams seem to be prophetic, but often, they are dreams I want to dream since I am pretty good at lucid dreaming most nights, or at the very least, setting up nice dreams to avoid the occasional nightmares I have.

But last night’s dreams were very different.  A lot of imagery, less reality than usual, and a lot of symbolism.  They were incredibly vivid, but more surreal than most of the dreams I typically have.  Strange colors and different worlds.  No real people, but a recognition of people in my life in the strange beings that inhabited the world in my dreams.

Each time I woke up from these dreams, I was smiling.  Grinning, is more accurate.  I took note of some of the imagery, the colors, the events, and the feelings.  When I actually woke up for long enough to start the day this morning, I started to consult my sources and research some of the symbolism that these dreams contained.

According to everything I checked, between the psychological and the mystical, these were great dreams, with excellent hidden meaning.  I certainly hope they are prophetic.  The dreams were about the culmination of struggle, not just for me, but some of the others close to me.  They were about the universe letting me know that while we never continue learning in this life, the difficult lessons are going to be taking a back seat to the lessons of happiness.

I’ve already been feeling it, but these dreams extend to those close to me, and bring things to a new level.

There have been major shifts throughout history.  The pendulum swings, and I really feel like it is swinging back.  I’ve said before that I think a lot of the turmoil and darkness currently in power in the world is so awful and forceful right now because it knows that it is in decline.  The old systems of power at all costs and disregard for others is going to fade, and those who profit of it are so desperate to cling to it that they amplify their darkness more than ever.  I believe it will all be futile, if we survive their reactionary tantrums.  I am convinced that a shift is taking place there.

But my dreams make me think the pendulum is swinging back on a more personal level as well.  When I really realized what was important to me, I began to put out a certain energy into the universe that attracted those who have the same priorities, and repelled those opposed.  It was difficult.  I have lost friends that were once important to me.  But I realized their priorities didn’t align with mine.  Maybe they changed, maybe I did, but eventually, everything that mattered to me, they seemed to be in opposition to.  I had some lonely times, wondering if maybe I was wrong for thinking the things I thought were important really were.

I persisted, trusting the lessons from my path.  It is better to let go of that which no longer serves you than to hang on.  But, until recently, I wondered if I would have the kind friendships and connections that would serve me.  I wondered if I could be the kind of friend or connection that would serve others.

Finally, I have begun to find my tribe.  I have solidified existing friendships with those that seem to care about other people and the things that are important to me, and I have made amazing new friends with those kinds of people as well.  The pendulum is swinging back in my life, just as I believe it is about to in the greater world.  The dreaming seems to indicate that it is gathering momentum.

In thinking about it, I wonder if that is how we change the world.  We focus on the relationships we have close.  We continue to pay attention to the world, and the happenings in it, we continue to use our voices, we continue to resist those who would plunge it into darkness…but we show light to the people near us.  We find our collective tribes and raise our vibrations to show others the happiness that can be achieved when people let go of the darkness they cling to in order to maintain their notions of power.

Dreaming is great.  Sometimes they come true, sometimes they don’t.  I hope the dreaming I did last night does.  It feels like it already is.  Maybe it will.  One thing I know for certain, is that your dreams don’t come true if you don’t keep dreaming.

So keep dreaming, and change the world for the better.

Generosity

Hello dear reader(s)!

Generosity is important to me.  If someone is going to be my friend, they have to be generous.  Fortunately, for the most part, I tend to attract those who are.  I like to think I am generous myself, but I suppose only those close to me know whether or not I am.

People often confuse generosity with material gift giving.  They believe that you must have a lot in order to be generous.  Yet I find the people who are the most generous, are usually the ones who do not have the most.  This is not to say that nobody materially successful can be generous, simply that the two are not inexorably linked.

Gifts are wonderful.  I love giving gifts and seeing the joy in someone’s face when they receive a gift from me.  Some of my most important possessions are things that were given to me, simply because they were given to me.  But gifts aren’t everything.

One can be generous with their consideration, they can be generous with their compassion, they can be generous with their time, they can be generous with their knowledge, with their effort.

There are times when you need to be a bit selfish.  I know that more than others.  My body occasionally tells me I have to stop what I am doing and take care of me.  But out of consideration for those who may be relying on me, I do my best to keep them apprised of any possibility I may not be available as soon as I am aware.  I make sure that people are aware I am still looking forward to something as something I commit to approaches.  If I have even the slightest notion I may not be capable of fulfilling my commitment, I don’t commit to it.  I say maybe.  I do everything I can to ensure that I will not have to cancel at the last minute, such as shifting around priorities to ensure I get extra rest or taking a little longer to sleep in before something I have planned to do.

And when someone does show generosity to you, it is generous to show gratitude.  Their generosity is a gift to you, and being grateful for it is a gift that you return to them.  Gratitude is a very generous gift because it is also a gift for yourself.  I do my best to let people know I am thankful for them, and the gifts they bring to my life.

The most generous material gifts I have received were not of the most valuable.  In my path, the most important gifts someone can give to you are the ones in which they put into them something of themselves.  Anyone can buy someone something.   The greatest gifts include someone’s effort or passion.  A gift such as that is an offering.  It is an invitation to enjoy a part of that person.  A painting, a song, a baked good, a creation of any kind is far more valuable to me than something bought.

That is not to say that items purchased can’t also be extremely generous.  It is not to say that everything meaningful has to be personally created by the giver.  Sometimes the creation given to you is merely that they paid attention to something you desired.  Sometimes the creation they give can be the efforts they went to in order to acquire something for you.  But one thing is certain regarding the generosity of gift giving, it really is the thought that counts.

My friends are generous.  They are not only generous to me, but to the thoughts and feelings of others.  They are considerate people who go out of their way to bring happiness to those with whom they interact.  I am extremely grateful for all of them.  My friends are generous with empathy when they see one person having a rough time.  They are generous with their humor to make someone smile when they can see someone needs it.

Anyway, I don’t have a whole hell of a lot to say today.  I am just thinking about how grateful I am for my friends and how much I look forward to having fun with them.

Happy weekend dear reader(s), I hope yours is generous to you.

 

I Want

I want to write you a poem
Or maybe a letter
To tell you that things
Surely will get better
I want to say I won’t stop
And I don’t plan to quit
If you’re going through hell
I’ll carry you through it
Even when you are quiet
You dance in my mind
Thoughts of any other
Are left far behind
You awakened something that I
Thought long since had died
I couldn’t shut it off
Even if I tried
I want to write something perfect
But nothing will do
I want to write so you’ll know that
I want only you

Missing Vs. Loneliness

Hello dear reader(s)!

This morning I find myself terribly missing a few people.  I have friends far away who I would love to be spending time with.  I’ve mentioned before how isolated I feel here, and how I think moving here was not the best decision I could have made.  I won’t say I regret it, because it has been an experience and has taught me what is really important to me in a place I want to call home.

Yet, with all this missing of people and feeling isolated, I am not at all lonely.

Some of my isolation is self-imposed.  I could go out more, meet people, have a bit more fun…but that would mean I would start to build relationships in a place I have no intention of staying in for very long.  It would mean going out and expending energy when I would rather be resting and comfortable at home.  It would mean possibly being out when a headache strikes, or when I get otherwise sick and I would rather be home.  It would mean having to drive in the dark with my stupid cataracts making it hard to see when oncoming traffic’s headlights shine in my windshield.

If past experiences are any indication, I could reactivate a couple of online dating profiles and have a date within a week.  I could go to plenty of Meetups and make friends if I am not looking to date.  I could if I wanted to.

I don’t.

I hang out with my roommates a bit.  Mostly just watching TV and eating dinner, but that is a decent amount of human interaction.  We aren’t going out and doing all the things I might do if I were in a relationship or dating someone, but I am not about to seek out a relationship or dates just to do those things.

But if certain people were here?

There is a whole list of things that I would be so excited to do with them.  I see things and think, “This friend would love this place!”  Or, “Going ice skating with ____ would be like magic!”  Or, “_____ loves this band and they are coming here!  We should go!”  Or, “I would love to take _____ to eat here because she would love it!”

That’s not being lonely, that is missing people.

Being lonely is feeling like you have nobody.  Missing someone is feeling like you do not have the person/people you choose with you.  I am absolutely not lonely, but I definitely miss people.

My song with Hannah was Home, by Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros.  It was fitting.  Whether I was in the hospital, or at my mom’s, or our own places in Reno, home was wherever I was with her.  After she died, I felt homeless.

But some of my friends tried to help me feel more at home.  They took me out.  They welcomed me at game nights.  They invited me to holiday dinners.  I miss them.

I miss the people who I have mostly only known over text and online due to the physical distance between us.  Even though we have not spent much time together, I know they are my people.

Lonely people are desperate to be around people.  If I were lonely, I would not be alone for long.  I don’t want to be around just any people.  I want to be around my people.

If you’re one of my people, I miss you.  Hope to see you soon.

 

Center Of The Universe, Part 2

Continued from part 1

“Funny running into you this way, Sean,” Anna chuckled upon recognizing her old friend.

“Wow, I get we haven’t been talking as much for a while, but if you had a problem with me, you could’ve just picked up the phone.  Trying to murder me seems a little over-the-top.  I don’t know, maybe I’m just old-fashioned like that,” Sean joked back to her.  “Did I hurt your little car?”

Anna bent down to inspect the bumper of her beloved Mini.  Sean tried not to notice her bent over in front of him, until he realized that she was bending over that way just to get him to look.

“Yes Anna, we know,” Sean laughed.

“No, it looks okay,”she sighed, “How are you feeling?”

“I’m sore.  I think I might need a new shin.  No…ankle with this car.  Toe?” he laughed.  “Seriously though, I’m alright.  Probably nothing more than a bruise.  What are you doing in town?”

“I guess you really don’t check on me anymore,” Anna began, “I’ve been posting about this trip all over my Facebook for weeks now.  I’m here to visit family and some friends.  What are you doing over here?  I thought you hated this section of town?”

Dodging the pitfalls of the question, Sean pointed at the hotel and told her,”I was about to check in over there, when some crazy lady who can’t drive in the rain ran me down.”

“I’m so sorry, Sean.  Really.  Let me make it up to you with dinner!”

“No, that’s okay, my hotel is right there.  I’d say it was good to see you, but you ran me over,” Sean told her.

“No.  Get in the damn car,” Anna insisted.  “I’ll bring you back here after, and you can stay in your weird little hotel and not tell me why if that’s what you want…but you’re coming to dinner with me.”

Sean threw his duffel into the back and got in the car.  He laughed to himself as he started to wonder if he really should be riding with her, given the accident.  He smiled as he noticed the rain begin to let up, and the storm drains catch up with the squall.

Anna got in the car and started driving.

“Where are we headed?” Sean asked her.

“McDonald’s,” Anna told him.

“Okay,” believing her for just a second until he realized they were driving an awfully long time to get to a McDonald’s.

They pulled onto the familiar street and he suddenly realized he was underdressed for such an occasion.

“I assume you have a nicer shirt in that bag of yours,” she said to him as she parked the car.

“Listen,” he started to tell her, “I don’t know about this.  This place is awfully expensive.  Besides, don’t we need a reservation?”

“I don’t,” she smiled.

Sean got out of the car and walked over to his bag, getting out an undershirt, a nice dress shirt, and a tie.  He walked back around and got back into the car to change.  He took off his NOFX t-shirt and grabbed his undershirt.  As he lifted the undershirt over his head to put it on, he felt Anna’s hand on his chest.

“Fuzzy,” she cooed.

“What the hell, Anna?” he asked in feigned outrage.

“Oh come on,” Anna laughed, “That was fucking hilarious.  If you could’ve seen how you froze.  And the look on your face!”

“That wasn’t funny, that was assault!” he shouted as he attempted to maintain a straight face.  “I know you want me, but it’s called consent!”

“Ba!” Anna snorted, “I think you have that backwards.  Weren’t you the one pining for me?”

An awkward silence befell them as he finished changing.  He knew it was true, it was he who had carried a torch for her.  For years.  He tried to get with her more times than he could count.  Each time, thinking he was getting a little closer before his hopes were crushed once more.

Eventually, he came to the conclusion that she wanted him to want her, but didn’t actually want him.  He couldn’t live with that.  He wanted someone who wanted him.  Who made him feel like he mattered.  He didn’t need to be the center of her universe, but he wanted to be an important part of it.

While he was gradually pulling away from her, he met Bethany.  He wondered how she was doing.

Anna broke the silence when he finished adjusting his tie.  “Are you ready?” she asked as she opened her door.

He got out of the car and walked around to meet her.  They made their way toward the entrance.

In the restaurant, the hostess greeted her with a hug.  They were immediately shown to a table.  A bottle of wine was brought without word.

“The owner is my uncle,” Anna said as she noted the confusion on his face.

“Ah…  I didn’t think you had been elected Queen yet,” he laughed.

“Queen’s aren’t elected, they’re anointed by divine province,” she retorted.

“Listen, strange women lyin’ in ponds distributin’ swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony,” he replied, quoting Monty Python.

They laughed and talked, over their impeccable meal.  All the while he thought that as much as he enjoyed her company, he just didn’t feel the way he used to about her.  He told her why he was going to the hotel, about Bethany, and everything that had happened.

“I always thought it was going to be us,” she told him, looking down at her plate.

“So did I.  I wanted it to be.  For a very long time.  More than anything.  But, I had to let that idea go.  It hurt too much,” he told her.

“I’m sorry that I hurt you,” she said.

“I can’t say you hurt me when you never let me near,” he said back to her.

She reached across the table and took his hand.  “I guess I just don’t know a good thing when I have it.  Let me make it up to you?”

There was no mistaking her intent, but he took his hand away.  “Well I do,” he said, looking at his hand and thinking of Bethany.

Anna began to cry softly.  He looked up from his hand in an attempt to comfort his crying friend.  As he did, his eye caught Bethany and another man at a table in the corner.