The Answer Is

No carefully crafted image of a perfect life is able to hide the decaying soul you carry within.

No amount of makeup or designer clothes will hide the decomposition.

No car can give you the means to escape yourself.

No smile can hide the contempt you feel.

No act of compassion can hide your ulterior motives.

No silence can keep your secrets.

No number times you call me a friend will ever make it true.

No manipulation will ever allow you to control me.

No smile will ever hide your self-inflicted pain.

No wounds will ever make me want to heal you.

No pleas for attention will ever make me forget how often you took advantage of me.

No amount of apologies will make me reconsider.

No declarations of love will stop me from leaving.

No excuses will be accepted.

No good feelings remain.

No wishing you the best in life.

No.

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We Were Friends

So I guess I should TRIGGER WARNING this puppy because this puppy is not a nice puppy.  More like a rabid puppy filled with evil.  A mean puppy.  

Remember when we were friends?  Those were good times, right?  Did you not enjoy talking to me?  It always seemed like you did.  What about those smiles, and the laughter?  Was that all fake?  Don’t think I haven’t noticed your silence toward me.  Is it because I am not after you anymore?  Forgive me for not wanting to be your back-up plan any longer.  You were given every opportunity, and you blew them all.

I get it.  He becomes a problem, so it is nice to talk to someone who treats you with respect.  Too bad that he still has his hooks in you.  What, did you think I don’t know?  Who the fuck do you think you are dealing with?  Answer me, when I’m talking to you.

That’s better.

Do you see how respectful I can treat you?  Don’t cry.  Don’t cry!  I didn’t hear you crying when I came to you and you weren’t there.  I didn’t hear you crying when you went back after he broke your leg.  Those were my tears!  But I didn’t sound like a sniveling fucking bitch like you.

Don’t look so fucking shocked.  That’s what you are.  No wonder he beat the shit out of you.  Who can blame him?  Shut your whore mouth before I shut it for you.  I thought he was the monster, but it is obviously you.  You are a cold and manipulative person, who likely drove him to break.

No, you can’t have your clothes.  The naked pictures you sent me clearly show you are comfortable displaying your body for me.  Why pretend to be modest now?  Why pretend to be innocent?  What would he think?  His precious little wife, the apple of his eye, rotten to the core.  Just a cock tease for anyone who shows her the slightest bit of attention when he isn’t.  I almost feel sorry for him.

Especially now that he is bleeding to death in the trunk of my car.

Are you really sure you want to be untied?  That’s what he asked for too.

That’s better.  Just lie back.  You need to this.  We were friends once.  You pretended to want more, now you are going to get more.   You still do want it.  I can tell.

Yes, let me just-  What the?  How did you get that around my neck?  I can’t breathe.  The rope!  I…can’t…But we were friends…

 

And this children, is why you never trust the nice ones.  Any questions?  

 

 

The Dark

The cats were slapping at his face.  He opened his eyes to darkness, and told them to leave him alone because he was trying to sleep.  One of them sat down and started wagging her tail into his nose  He brushed his face to try to prevent the tail fur from going up his nose, but it was too late.  Annoyed, he shouted at the cats to lay down and go back to sleep as it was still night.

He couldn’t get back to sleep.  He couldn’t get comfortable and found that he wasn’t really tired.  So he reached back onto the nightstand for his phone.  He pressed the power button and entered his code into the lock screen.  He almost went right past it when he noticed something odd.  The time on his phone read 10:07.  He looked outside of his window into the dark.  He went to bed at 11.

“I wonder if there is something wrong with the cell network,” he thought to himself as he tried to reconcile the numbers on his phone verses the darkness outside.

He decided to get out of bed and go grab a water from the kitchen.  As he stumbled out of his room almost tripping over one of his shoes, he figured it must have been around 3 or 4 in the morning.  When he reached the kitchen, he saw the time on the microwave.  10:09.

“What?!?!” he asked himself out loud as he began to wonder if he slept until the next night.  He checked the clock on the stove.  10:09.

“MEOWWWW!” said one of his cats from outside the kitchen.

He knew that whether it was 10 in the morning or 10 at night, the cats were long overdue for their food.  He quickly grabbed a can and split it into their dishes and put them down.  He needed to know what was going on.  He needed to find out how he could have slept 23 hours.  He grabbed his phone again, and checked the date.

January 23rd.  That was only the next day.  He wondered how it could be 10 am and so dark.  It wasn’t as if he lived in Alaska.  He checked his Facebook app.

Everyone was talking about the dark.  There were news stories from all over the globe being shared.  The sun just didn’t rise that morning.  There were riots in other cities that had been in the dark the entire day.  Pundits were trying to figure out what was going on, blaming Obama.  The religious were saying it was the apocalypse.

He left the kitchen in a daze and walked into the living room.  He sat down on the couch and put his head in his hands.  He wondered what could have happened.  What could be going on.  Whether or not this really was the end.

Thinking about it caused him to go back through his life.  To reevaluate the decisions and choices he made.  To think about the events that led him to be sitting alone in a dark room, contemplating his loneliness at the end.

And then he grabbed his phone.  He knew what he had to do.

“Hey.  It’s me.  I need to apologize for last night.  That was way too petty of an argument to end what we have.  Please come back, you’ve taken the sun.”

Top 10 Basic Decisions While Grieving That Can Bite You

Hello dear reader(s)!

I am going to attempt to lighten the mood of my posts here, while still admitting that I am very much grieving the loss of my wife.  We’ll see how this plays, but I don’t want to enter a major chronic depression, so this is the balance I can strike today.

I have heard that you are not supposed to make major decisions within the first year.  While I do not agree with the arbitrary timeline, I do agree that you should not make ANY decisions until you have had time to get to a less foggy point.  For me, that day was yesterday to where I now feel comfortable making even the most basic decisions.  Major decisions are still off the table, but basic is seemingly okay since yesterday.  I think.    How basic?  Well…

1.  Deciding to go into the room you need to go into.  This seems simple.  You have to go to the bathroom, so you go to the bathroom.  Until you get into the bathroom and think that you need to start cleaning it out and putting things away.  Then you forget you had to go to the bathroom in the first place.  So you decide to continue cleaning and move out of the bathroom and into another room.  You remember you have to go to the bathroom when your body decides you have 10 seconds to get there.  You barely make it.  Repeat for about a week.

2.  What clothes to wear.  You decide you are going to wear something comfortable and cool for the cleaning and packing things away.  Okay so far.  Then you get a wild hair and decide instead to drop off some of the things you know won’t be kept or given to friends and family to a donation center.  Then you drive halfway there and realize you never put the bags in the car.  So instead you decide to get some things to replace the things you can’t look at again or do not fit with a no-longer married person.  (Example: floral print bedding).  Now you are officially a person of Wal-Mart.

3.  What to eat.   Eating is hard enough, but you know it is necessary.  So you work on deciding what kind of calories you will need for the next few hours, while trying to keep it healthy so you can take care of your body in the stress it is under.  But then you end up doing a lot more than you thought you would be able to.  You don’t notice you are hungry.  Then you near collapse, and notice you are dropping weight like a hippie dropped acid.

4.  When to sleep.  Last night I didn’t sleep until 1.  I was up at 7.  The night before that I fell asleep between 9 & 10 and was up at 6.  Before that 8 & 9 and was up at 9.  My cats are seriously pissed at the lack of routine, and may be contemplating my demise.

5.  What to watch.  While in the hospital, I watched comedies.  When Hannah was in and aware, she wanted action movies mostly.  Mindless entertainment is the key.  Afterward I am finding myself wanting to watch comedies, but feel guilty for wanting to laugh at this time.  Plus, I think I have gone through any decent comedy on Netflix that aren’t super dark already.  Dark comedies while grieving aren’t that comedy-like.  They are just dark at that point.  Darks.  Not darkies, you racist.

6.  How much to exercise.  My abs are sorer than the lips of that guy with the herpes outbreak on his face who you see at your bus stop.  Normally, you can feel when you are going to overdo something, but when you are grieving…not so much.  You keep going to work off the rage and get those endorphins.  Then you wake up the next day, and can’t breathe.  Now you can’t do abs today, and feel like a sloth.

7.  Coffee, or no coffee?  Usually this would not be a question.  Coffee is the answer.  But when you grieving, you get agitated and may have trouble controlling your outbursts.  Coffee does not help with that.  Coffee also makes you poop, and if your digestive system is like mine under stress…that isn’t really a benefit.

8.  To blog, or not to blog?  I love blog-type-thinging.  I do.  But how I can write anything when everything is fresh?  If I want to write about something else, how can I when it is the main thing on my mind.  How can I spin a tragedy, into something lighter?  If you are still reading this, you know the answer is, “You can’t, obviously.”

9.  Leaving the house.  I need to go somewhere.  Okay, I will go.  Or I won’t.  If I do, will I remember my sunscreen and hat?  What if I see people?  What then?  Maybe I want to see people.  Maybe that would help.  Maybe I never want to see another person ever again.  What if I miss an important call or text?  I still have one yogurt, I don’t need to go to the store.  No, I should leave, it would be good to get out of here for a second.  Can you curl up in a ball in a grocery store aisle, or is that still a cultural taboo?

10.  Running the dishwasher.  Sometimes with my immunity, I need to run the dishwasher just to sanitize.  Usually, I wash my dishes by hand, but every so often I will need to run them through.  Especially while organizing and cleaning, this becomes more important.  Did I put my water-glass in there?  I’m really dehydrated from crying, and it is hot and dry.  Why would I do that?  I also need to eat breakfast and washed the dishes I would use to do so.  No seriously, this is happening today.  Like right as I type this.

Bonus:  Whether or not to hire a live-in babysitter.  It is obvious that I still am functioning on a level far below that of your basic infant.  Perhaps, I should hire a babysitter.  Although I think paying a 16-year-old girl to take care of me would be a little creepy.  I am not Jared Fogle, after all.