Delaying Posts

Hello dear reader(s)!

If you were looking for instructions on scheduling a post, I think you have come to the wrong place.  Either that or when you hit that “Publish” button and it asks if you want to publish it immediately or publish it later, you click the drop-down, choose a date and then enter the time you would like to publish it.

However, that is neither here nor there.  You see, this post isn’t about the delaying of publishing posts, it is about the delaying of writing said posts because the topic(s) are just too depressing to want to delve into and you would rather focus on the happiness in your personal life than attempt to solve the world’s problems by delving into the source of a large portion of those problems.  It is a particularly perplexing problem I posses, one I am positive I must presently purge.

In other words, don’t expect anything too heavy from me for a while.  I am aware shit is going on, and people must speak about said shit, but I’m fucking tired, man, and need a break.  Life in my tiny bubble is currently good, and I need to focus on that right now in order to keep what little sanity I still think would be good to have.

The most amazing woman is dozing on the couch right next to me at this moment.  I had a delicious dinner.  My fingers and toes hurt, but not so bad that I can’t deal with it.  It’s cold and dry here, but in this room, I am cozy.  Yes, I have been feeling a little sick off and on today.  Yes, I have many things I need to do tomorrow.  Yes, I had to go get a phlebotomy today.  Yes, I am tired from sleeping poorly last night.  Yes, there are a lot of things happening that will negatively affect me or already are.  But all the things that really matter to me are currently okay, and that’s more than I’ve been able to say for longer than I care to admit.

So I am delaying the heavy posts for a bit.  I’m going to be writing things that I like, not things I don’t.  Things like posts about the full moon ritual I performed last night that felt so magical and led to an instant epiphany. Or I could write about the benefits of cannabis to enhance the craft.  I could write more about sex!  I could write about food.  I could write about the people I see doing stuff I like, or that I think helps others or makes the world a tiny bit better, rather than my standard negative rants.

I’m done being negative.  Maybe this world is going to hell in a hand basket and we are all doomed for homelessness or nuclear annihilation, but I intend to go out hooping and hollering when that mushroom cloud goes up because I’m in my deluxe refrigerator box making love to my fiance should that scenario occur.

The world is pain.  So fuck the world, and do what you want.

I am going to write about shit I like now.  I hope that doesn’t bother anyone here.  If it does, you can kindly fuck right the fuck off because I like saying the word “fuck” a lot and I said that would be writing about shit I like now, fucking fuckers.

I set out to write this little post letting you know that I just wasn’t currently in the mood to write about heavy stuff, but honestly, I am not sure I will be in that mood again.

A while ago I would probably kick my own ass for saying this kind of thing, but I really don’t think my two cents on a lot of the heavier topics is needed or wanted anyway.  Sure, I may have helped some people see things in a different light or learn something from a post I compiled using other sources, but I really don’t think much would be missing without my voice.  Most of the heavy stuff is already being talked about, by people who are in a much better position to influence people.

Maybe my contribution to changing what I don’t like, is to simply amplify the alternatives that I do like.  Or maybe just to remind people that life doesn’t always suck, or certainly doesn’t have to suck as hard as we sometimes make it.

So when I say I am delaying those heavy posts, I should add the word “indefinitely” to the end.  I am not sure when or if I will ever think that something  heavy absolutely needs to have my voice added to the debate.  In the meantime, I am going to keep things positive.

So here is some good right now from this last week.

Never mind, it’s too dirty for this blog-type-thing.

Anyway, so there shall be some fictional stories, some reviews of stuff I like, some thoughts on good people and why they are good, and other stuff that may remind people there is more to life than all the shit we make it into.  Rather than focus on how bad and wrong things are, maybe I can find and share some examples or ideas on how to do it right.

That is my New Year’s gift to you!

Now what did you get me?  Was it cash?

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Blah g Type Thing

‘Ello dear reader(s)!

Hi.  I am posting to keep posting, but today has gone by much faster than I had originally planned.  This day got away from me like Frank Lee Morris got away from Alcatraz.  It got away from me like the ball that was hit as Jhonny Peralta’s inside-the-park home run got away from Ryan Rayburn in a July, 2010 Tigers-Indians game.  It got away from me like the concept of a government of the people, by the people, and for the people got away from the American public.

So anyway, I was going to write a well-thought-out piece about how nobody knows what to believe anymore, why, and how that fact is destroying civilization, but instead, I am sitting here getting ready to go take some medicine for the fact that the colder night air is setting off my neuropathy before commencing with the evening family fun that does not involve sitting in front of a computer.

I intend to write my post tomorrow, however, I intend to do a lot of things that never get done.  I intended to be a multimillionaire by age 21.  I intended to win the Nobel Peace Prize.  I intended to solve all of the world’s problems.

So Imma gonna spenda little time a-readin’ some of y’all’s posts before I go have fun.  I wish you all a peaceful and happy whatever day it is when and where you read this.  May the force be with you, and also with you.  3580220.

Satan’s Chicken

Hello dear reader(s)!

I had just written my 990th word on a post about big changes coming for the next year, when I realized I don’t want to telegraph my intentions yet.  So I scrapped it, and now you get to read this fascinating post with a title that is not at all pertinent to any topic discussed for nearly the entire remainder of this post, its subsidiaries, and all affiliates.  Void where prohibited.

My post was well-written, and I was quite proud of it, but I feel as though it would ruin the fun for which I have in store only display model, regular price $99.99.

So now you are reading a post called Satan’s Chicken that doesn’t even really talk about Satan, nor his delicious chicken recipe of 666 herbs and spices.

So, what shall we talk about?

Let’s go over my favorite things to talk about, shall we?

Ready?

Okay!

How funky is your chicken, how loose is your goose?  How loose is your goose?  So come on all you followers and shake your caboose.  Shake your caboose.

Here are a few of my favorite topics, in no particular order.

  1. Sex  I’ve kinda beaten that one to death unless I get all explicit or confessional up on your asses, and no, those were not purposeful euphemisms.
  2. Cannabis  AKA Weed, AKA medicine, AKA, should be fucking legal already and is the only thing that even comes near touching my neuropathy.  Maybe another day.  I have made my opinions clear on that topic and feel no need to beat that one to death either.  Except right now I am strongly against laws that limit delivery to patients with a medical card which I could obtain if I felt like waiting forever for the medical card, and paying the fee up front, instead of in the form of higher taxes each time I buy recreationally for my medical condition.  Still, with the lower per-transaction prices and the higher limits, it might be something that I should look into – although my desire to leave within the next year makes me think it might not be worth it.  One bad thing about my medicine, is that even though I have replaced numerous prescriptions for this one, insurance doesn’t cover it so it can be a bit pricey.
  3. Politics  What politics?  There are no politics.  Only a sale of what we all have built to the world’s most powerful horders of wealth and resources.
  4. Music  Heard any good music lately?  I haven’t.   Nothing to talk about there either.
  5. Love  I’m in it.  Y’all knew that already.
  6. Blogging  I intend to more often because I need to get back into it.

Well, I am at a loss.  Another one of those moments where I have a ton to say, but think I might want to keep that quiet for just now.

So thank you for reading this post that is only really here to keep me posting.  I love you all.  Send love to pop-pop and his concubine.  Tell Timmy that Lassie just went to a nice farm where she can run and play all day long.  May your chicken be delicious, with the glory of our dark lord Satan in every bite.

*I don’t believe in Satan, which is why I have no problem eating his/her/its delicious chicken.  

 

2017

Hello dear reader(s)!

Well, what the fuck can I say?  This has been a year.

I have no idea what kind of year, other than a really fucking eventful one that somewhat resembles a rapid cycling bipolar demon on meth.

Anyway, I am having trouble deciding how I will remember this year.  On the one hand, I met my love, who I am certain I was literally destined to be with, and on the other…. our country fell to fascism.

My health has both improved and regressed.

I have become both more generous and selfish with who I am generous to.

Up and down, up and down, up and down.  It’s like we are all getting roughly fucked by this year to the point where at times, it hurts too much to enjoy it.

2017 has been about rediscovering me, what matters to me, and being me without apology.  In that rediscovery, I feel I have grown.

My lovely fiance, has been the driving force behind much of that growth.  She saw me, and loves me, and so she is helping me be much more me.  With her, I feel better about myself (with the exception of my health), than I ever have.  Her love of those aspects of me I was always a little ashamed of or feared judgment about have greatly improved my self-opinion.  I hope I have helped her grow as well, as I see and love all sides of her, hidden or not, light or dark.

The biggest thing that I have learned this year, is that I just don’t belong.  I belong with my fiance.  I belong with some family.   I belong with a chosen small group of friends.  I belong with the few like-minded people who have no taste for the fucked-up way our society works.  Trump’s election, while a catastrophe, did serve to cause me to stop trying to fit in with so many people in this goddamn backwards country and only bother trying to hold or maintain relationships with those who I consider my tribe.  Us weirdos, who are only weird because we don’t choose to so willingly conform to the expectations of a failing society.

I am getting better at brushing off the negativity of those who still believe that misogyny and racism make a geographic region great.   I am getting better at ignoring the notion that people are successful if they drive a certain car or make a certain figure at the job they work in order to support the family that they lose connection to while working too much to provide for that family.  I am getting better at rejecting the advice of people who never really seemed as happy as I have been, or who have no idea what I have been through, or have been actively responsible for the terrible life choices I have been presented with.

In 2017 I realize that anyone who has an issue with me, has never walked in my shoes.  And when I think of how fucked up they are, despite their advantages, their lack of catastrophic illness, and not having to face even one-tenth of what I have faced but still feeling like maybe I have my shit better together than they do in what actually matters to me, well, 2017 is the year that says I am glad they have issues with me, because I have issues anyone who thinks they have some clue how I should behave.

It occurs to me, that I never wanted the life that was taken from me anyway.  I never wanted that 40 hour a week office job that created nothing but profits for a behemoth conglomerate exploiting my labor so that I can stress myself to a heart attack while missing out on life.  I never wanted that plan that was predetermined for me.  Maybe I knew somehow, that it wouldn’t be possible anyway.  But more likely, I knew I was never cut out for a life resembling most people, because from an early age I knew most people were fucking miserable.

My biggest regret is ever being swayed away from myself in the first place.  I only ever wanted a creative life since I was young.  But my generation was pushed so damn hard into academic, paper-pushing jobs that were all downsized while we were in school anyway.  Now that I am disabled, somehow getting lucky from selling some creative work is the only chance I have to really generate any wealth that is available to me.  And given that people who work for other people haven’t really been able to generate their own wealth in decades without property gambling… it seems as though more creativity is  also the only chance for many others who aren’t physically unable to hold a “normal” job.  The problem is, if I had been able to devote more time and effort to creative pursuits than to the useless paper chase that was school, that long-shot chance of getting lucky selling something creative would be much less long.  I must admit, I am still deeply resentful that I was purposefully steered toward a life that could only bring mediocrity in the best of circumstances.

I shouldn’t have listened.  I never should have conformed to what others wanted from me.  I wish it didn’t take me so long to realize that.  2017 is not the year that I should have figured out that I can’t stand the thought of being anyone but me.  Oh well, better late than never.

I am excited for 2018.  I am ready to live next year with both middle fingers extended to those who try to tell me how to live it.

Featured Image by By Dan Bennett from Seattle, USA (DSC_2046 Uploaded by X-Weinzar) [CC BY 2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0)%5D, via Wikimedia Commons

 

 

 

The Day After Yesterday

It was 19:06 when the author began writing his post in this here blog-type-thing.  A cool, autumn breeze blew past his window, but he didn’t really care, since it was closed.  Despite that, the fact it was not shitty, hot, stupid fucking summer was evident even inside his house.

The author reflected on the events that happened to him, just the day before.  He reflected on the special breakfast, the good wishes, the special dinner, the gifts, and of course, the traditional Dia de Los Josh, pumpkin pie.  For a moment, he smiled.

The smile quickly faded as he remembered the horrors that also happened on that day.  The screams of the post-Halloween jack-o-lanterns still echoed in his ears.  Then the images.  Pumpkin guts everywhere.  Orange all over.  Seeds, strings, and pumpkin meat littered the cardboard spread on the ground.  First a claymore, then a machete.  And his own hands yielding the weapons of the pumpkins’ demise!

He racked his brain, trying to figure out what had gotten into him.  Why did he kill those innocent jack-o-lanterns?  Why did he have to cut them into so many pieces?  And…why, why did he want to do it again?  What was the reason for his pumpkin blood lust?

Suddenly, he remembered.  It was Dia de Los Josh.

He knew that one day every year, it would come…and it did.  Yesterday.  And the day after yesterday, well…we all know what that is.  It is that which shall not be named, because it didn’t really like all of the names we had picked out for it.  I really liked Bob, but its grandparents objected.  Wait…

What?

Oh yeah.

Hello dear reader(s)!

So life is good right now.  I am getting settled in the new place, and things have finally calmed down from the move.  We had an amazing Halloween/Samhain with more trick-or-treaters than I knew existed on this particular planet.  We had some pretty kick-ass decorations, and it was a lot of fun.  Then yesterday, my birthday happened.  I got some great and thoughtful gifts, and yes, a traditional birthday pumpkin pie.  For fun, we took the six pumpkins we carved for Halloween and destroyed them with my claymore and machete.  We then had to clean up pumpkin, but it was Loreal.  Because it was worth it.

Today was just very chill, but with some running around.  Nothing too exciting, just a good find at a local shop.  But that was really nice, because I am a little sick of too exciting right now anyway.  Chill is good.  Tomorrow I am hoping I won’t even have to leave the fucking house.

Anyway, just checking in to say howdy.  Things are calming down, and though I do intend to really get working on my book, I plan to devote a lot of time to writing now, so I may just be able to get back into a regular posting routine complete with regular posts and routines at no additional cost to you!  But wait, that’s all!

 

A Good Day

Hello reader(s) of dearness!

Remember me?  No?  Probably for the best.

Anyway, I have to say that I think the wave might have finally broke, and things are going to get a little easier once again.  (You may applaud.)

Let me explain what all has been going on.

  • My health  It has been difficult ever since I got out of the hospital for the mild sepsis, or bacteremia, or whatever the fuck it was.  The last course of IV antibiotics that I had seemed to further set off my autonomic and peripheral neuropathy, causing a whole shit-ton of problems to get even worse.  Fortunately, I am now learning to adjust my life accordingly, and am also receiving treatment to try to keep out of the hospital.  Today, I got a lead on financial assistance for that treatment, which will help a great deal because even when I have the money, with that expense, it won’t last.
  • Being forced to move  Because housing and rental prices are through the fucking roof here, my fiance was forced to move because the owner of the house decided to sell.  This caught her off guard since it seems the owners bought the property for more than they can get for it now.  As such, there was not enough money for deposits saved.  Fortunately, I was able to take an early payout of some money that was already scheduled to be distributed to me, in order to avoid interest and fees on borrowing.  The hassle of trying to find an acceptable place in our price range was daunting, but we were able to find a nicer, larger house, for the same price that her previous model is currently renting for.  I love this house, and think it will be a nice place to call home for a time.
  • Registration issues  It seems every time someone moves a long distance, important documents get lost along the way.  So when my fiance went to get her registration done in this state, she realized that she was missing a document that our state requires.  Our state is shitty about it too, and her previous state is full of incompetent liars.  Her out-of-state registration was expiring, so she was not able to drive her vehicle.  Fortunately, my Beastess works great, and we have been utilizing it, but it sucks being down to only one car, especially when moving the last few items she has from her old house to our new one.  She rushed off, overnight, a letter and the fee to get a copy of that document, along with an overnight envelope, but the assholes in that state sat on it for 11 days before finally sending it back.  I just happened to have checked the tracking number today, and found it was delivered, just this afternoon.  She can now get her car back, and there is much rejoicing.
  • Government issues  I think the last time I posted, I was under Social Security Disability review.  Despite my paranoia about it, the government agrees that I am obviously disabled, and so my benefits shall continue.  (Even though the GOP might cut all that because they are scum sucking fuckpigs.)  Meanwhile, every single thing you see is some embarrassment to our country.  I really am just deciding that I need to find a way to live without any government at all, because I think that is where things are heading.  Of course, things would be different if I lived in a state that actually has programs, but I do not, and so fuck anyone who thinks I am not doing all I can, especially as they vote for the fuckers trying to take away what little there is.  At any rate, I feel more comfortable relying on my fiance, than I do a bunch of old, white, Christian conservatives who were born into money.
  • Miscellaneous issues  Between my cross-country move earlier in the year, moving into a former “friend”‘s house who wanted me to act more like a rent-paying house guest than a roommate – who then kicked me out when I stood up for myself, moving again, losing another “friend” who wouldn’t stop hitting on my fiance (and basically blamed me for stealing her as if she was ever interested in his married-ass anyway), having to give my cats to my mother due to primarily allergy and logistical reasons, and some other issues…this year has been a monkey-fucked donkey dick.

But this year has been pretty damn good too.

I met and got engaged to my lovely fiance.  I am absolutely stunned by the depth of our connection in such a short time.  Having her in my life has been amazing.

Even though we had to move, the house we are in now is like my dream home.  I love it.  We even found a couple spare hours (over the course of a few days) to decorate for Halloween.  I love the way it looks with decorations, and am really anticipating Christmas.

I have great friends that know and understand my limitations.  They do not make me feel bad when I can’t show up to most things, or cancel at the last minute.  They welcome me back anytime I am physically able to get together.

One of my friends surprised me by repaying a loan early, and in full, (rather than the payments we agreed upon), just when it was needed most.  Because when insurance sucks, medical treatment is expensive, and your income is peanuts, a large sum of money isn’t nearly as large as some think.  The timing was incredible, and breathing is now possible.

My cats are very happy with my mom, and I am so relieved.  They will always be my kids, even if they are now her kitties.  I am so grateful that she was able to take them, because otherwise I don’t know what I would have done.

And it is fall, and almost time for Halloween, Samhain (same day), and Dia De Los Josh!

Anyway, between getting the document, some work done to clean my fiance’s old residence, the news of possible financial assistance for my treatments, and just a general good feeling, I gotta say, today was a good day.

Struggling

Hello dear reader(s)!

I just wanted to let you know that I have attempted numerous times to return to posting.  I keep thinking there will be a better time but that time just keeps getting further and further out.

Everything I have facing me is probably nothing to a normal person.  There are more than enough hours in the day for me to believe that everything I need to accomplish should be able to get done and not send me into a tail-spin.  That is, if I was normal.

But I am not normal.  I am very damaged.  Both physically and mentally.

If I don’t feel awful physically (which is rather rare), I am probably in the midst of a covered anxiety attack.  Maybe some will even catch me in a full-blown panic attack.  Most probably won’t.  They take a look at me with my seemingly healthy body and the smile on my face and think I am fine.

It’s not that I try to hide the fact I am struggling, it is that sometimes I am genuinely happy to see people, so I smile.  Sometimes there really is fun going on in the middle of this shit-show and I just so happen to be relaxed enough to enjoy it.  Maybe, for once, my feet aren’t hurting so bad that they are making me reconsider my thoughts on certain medications.

Or maybe I just don’t want to bring them down too.  Nobody likes a Debby Downer unless they are laughing at the old SNL skit.

I have been trying to get help for how I feel physically for years.  I have been trying to get help for my mental illnesses, or disorders, or whatever the fuck you call them for years, too.  I have put myself into tremendous debt on a futile quest to get better.  That just adds to it.

I didn’t ask for any of this.  Contrary to the libertarian belief, there are some things you just can’t take personal responsibility for.  From getting a cancer that hasn’t been linked to any lifestyle practices, to being misled by doctors, to losing a career I was beginning to excel in, (or any ability for a workplace career again), to my financial issues, to constantly being made to feel like I am not a worthy human being for this society…I didn’t ask for one fucking bit of it.  It wasn’t my choices that brought it on.

I try as hard as I fucking can.  Harder than anyone I know.

I do my absolute best not to make people feel the way some have made me feel.  I let people know they are valued.  I’m not a fucking saint, but I try so hard.

I make mistakes.  In fact, I think much of my mistakes come from my good intentions.  Sometimes, I try too hard.  Sometimes, my attempts at keeping myself wanting to continue living lead me to make the mistakes I do.  But we all make mistakes.  Some of us don’t even try.

I’m tired.  I’m tired of trying so hard for people who will never accept me anyway.  I am tired of pretending that I can do this.  I am tired of pretending I know what I am doing.  I am tired of struggling against the force of the whirlpool that I have serious doubts I will ever be able to escape.

But what choice do I have?  Should I let myself drown and be as weak as those mocking me from the shore because they have never even been in the water?

I am tired.  I need help.  I AM struggling.

But I guess that is a good thing because struggling means I haven’t given up.