Friends, Romans, Countrymen, Dogs, Cats…

Hello dear reader(s)!

I am not writing my book right now.  My computer is getting too hot, and I have a feeling it might take a proverbial dump on me, so I have put off the writing of anything important to me until I can be more assured it will not be lost to the sketchy electronics in this crappy lovely computer.

On the plus side, my blog-type-thing isn’t important to me, which means I can write here until my computer is resigned to the big recycling heap in the sky.  (Recycle it?  Not with MY browsing history!)

So…where did we leave off?

I think we were nearing the meeting of O’Rinn and Alexandra at the battle of Lethos.

Surrounded by the bodies of his fallen enemies, O’Rinn was still feeling the effects of the adrenaline.  He knew if he did not find an outlet, the beast within would once again emerge.  He could not risk his allies from the East learning his truth.  He wanted to tear into someone, but all his opponents were dead.  His blood felt as if it were boiling and his muscles tensed tightly, causing him to look more animal than human.  Indeed, he was, but he knew that to be a secret best kept to himself.  He began his attempts at meditation.  He visualized his home by the rocky shores of the western ocean and attempted to feel the serenity and peace he felt when home.  

Out of the water, she came.  Her dark eyes, both deep and piercing, held his gaze as he looked upon her beauty.  Her raven hair fell onto her pale shoulders.   Her warrior dress seemed to emphasize each and every curve of her body.  Rather than calming the beast, this image of her seemed to only stir the fire within.  As she approached closer, he saw the blood stains she proudly bore upon her clothing, and the ocean scene faded away.  The desolate, bloody battlefield reemerged and still she came closer.  He realized he wasn’t imagining her with the ocean, but knew she was straight out of his dreams.  

“I am eternally grateful to you, great warrior,” she began as she touched his cheek with her fingertips.  “Our people surely would not have survived this onslaught without your courage and skill.”  

O’Rinn replied, “No need to be grateful, we of the Albion have a common enemy.  Nothing more, nothing less.  We are also grateful for your fighters, and especially a woman so brave as yourself.”

“Queen.” Alexandra corrected.  “And since you were clearly ignorant of that fact, I will not be offended that you did not kneel before me.”

“I kneel before no one,” O’Rinn stated with a slightly annoyed tone.

“Your poor lovers,” Alexandra answered as she looked hypnotically into his eyes.  “I am quite certain I will have you kneeling before me by nightfall,” she continued as she removed her hand from his cheek and brought it down to firmly grip his co-

Wait, what?  We didn’t leave off there?!?!!  You mean I hadn’t been posting this story all along?   Oh, well…what do you want from me?

I don’t want to write about current events.  It’s too depressing right now, and there are plenty of people with a much larger influence speaking to it all better than I can.

Life is pretty good, with the exception of health and wishing I were more financially secure, so that is nothing worth writing about either.

I could go into more details about my health, but I am still coming to grips with the reality that there is no getting better from this.  I had always thought that if I could just take care of X, Y, and Z, that I could resume a somewhat normal and independent life, and learning that there is no taking care of X, Y, and Z is a little hard to handle.  Symptom management with little results seems to be all I can do.  At least I won’t be wasting as much co-pays on different specialists who can’t do anything for me anymore.  It is too depressing to think about for very long.

I fell backward and stepped on my phone last week.   My replacement phone literally just arrived a minute ago.  It is amazing how much you don’t realize you use your phone until you don’t have one.  It is pathetic how much I have come to rely on it.  I mostly miss the camera.  It is hard to take naughty pictures while holding up my computer.  (Kidding.  It is actually easy to take naughty pictures using my computer.)  (Kidding, I don’t take naughty pictures*, unless you count taking pictures of the naughty food treats my fiance spoils me with.)  (*Subject to change based on finances.)

Anyway, I guess what I am saying, is that I am probably back for now, but might just write a bunch of stories because there really isn’t much I want to talk about and I am not yet at the point where I need to start camming in order to keep afloat.

I hope you all are doing well, and are enjoying the day of labor.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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What In The Actual F-ck?!?

Hello dear reader(s)!

Guess who’s back?  Back again?  Josh is back.  Sorry.

I know I keep saying that I will post more consistently.  Then I post for a couple days straight, and drop off for like a week.  My bad.  I keep thinking I can actually manage this.  Lately however, I just can’t.  In fact, I literally can’t even.  Yes, one pumpkin spice frappuccino for McKenzie too.

So what in actual fuck, Josh?  Where you been?  Why the long face?  You’re not a horse.

Well, I’ve been here, mostly.  But I’ve been tired.  Tired as fuck.  In the world of fucked-up medical shit, we like to call it fatigue.  Actually, we like to call it napping, but tomato tomato.  I’m not going to call the whole thing off, however.  Anything you can do I can do better.  Anyway…

I’ve been furiously trying to figure out what the hell is wrong with me.  Between my GI symptoms, a few other ones, and the fatigue, I was getting scared.

Fortunately, my fiance (yup, I’m engaged), is a super sleuth and figured out what is going on that some really great doctors couldn’t figure out during literal YEARS of complaining.  (Literally.)  The tendency of doctors to look at individual symptoms as separate systems requiring separate specialists causing separate tests and separate co-pays and co-insurance amounts, caused them all to overlook something wrong that ties it all together and makes perfect sense given something else we already knew was wrong.  So now I know what the problem is, (besides run-on sentences) the only issue is that it seems to be one of those “tough shit, get used it” type of issues.  It is still somewhat comforting to know that I am not losing my mind, (well…totally, anyway), and there IS a physical reason for all of these issues.

Anywho, this is good news for my writing, as now I will likely be seeing less doctors to try to find something that isn’t there (That colonoscopy sure was shitty.  Get it?  Shitty?) and will be less likely to try to force myself to do things I can’t do.  That means more time at home, where a computer will likely be handy.

But…my writing may soon start to move away from this here blog-type-thing on a temporary basis.  I am going to begin considering beginning to plan the beginning of the study of whether or not I should begin to plan the beginning of the process for beginning to write my book, starting all the way from the beginning.  Good for my writing, bad for this here blog-type-thing.  Unless I get stuck, and decide to post in this here blog-type-thing as a way to break up the monotony, since Mono and Tony have drifted apart since becoming a Hollywood power couple anyway.

So now that y’all know what is up, I guess I should grace you all with one of my rants, y’all have come to know and despise.

Ready?  Okay!  Be aggressive, B-E aggressive!

YOU CAN’T BE A RACIST AND A PAGAN!!!!

You can, I guess, but you’re a fucking idiot and should call yourself something else.  In a system of beliefs of honoring many different Goddesses and Gods as a representation of the natural forces that created all, your superiority complex does not jive.  You know not of what you speak, you know not of what you claim to be, and if you show up to any of my pagan events I will personally cut your fucking heart out with my athame.

You are not welcome in my community.  You are not welcome near my path.  You should not be welcome anywhere on this planet, but not everyone has standards.  Fuck off, and die, you Nazi trash pieces of shit.  Tell your chosen Gods they can go fuck themselves if they support you.  (They don’t.)

If you are a pagan, and want more acceptance of your belief system, and less persecution from others, you need to be calling out these racist fucks trying to twist your path to justify their hate too.  Just because hardly any of the followers of the Abrahamic religions do it, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t too.  We need to tell these fuck-bags they do not have a home in our communities.  

On a happier note, I choose high C.  I think high C is a happy note.  Yes, if it is part of a minor chord, it could be sad, but the note itself is happy.  It is so happy, it 1046.502 hertz.

Okay, dear reader(s), that’s all for me.  Let’s recap what we have learned today, shall we?  No?  Too bad!

I will not be posting very consistently (big shocker, and nothing new), but for different reasons, and I hate my health.  Please refer any additional questions to my counsel, who doesn’t exist.

Finally, I will still try and read y’all from time to time, even when I am not posting, just because you is smart, you is kind, you is not really important since you’re just a tiny spec in this vast universe, but tell yourself whatever you need to sleep better at night.

Lughnasadh

Hello dear reader(s)!

As far as the Pagan Sabbats are concerned, Lughnasadh or Lammas to me is “Meh”.  Don’t get me wrong, I will still do a couple of things in order to celebrate it, but all the Sabbats for me are times to connect with nature or observe the changing of the seasons and to me, Litha and Lughnasadh feel roughly the same.  They’re both hot as fuck and around times where being outside for any major length of time will result in skin cancer or heat stroke.

It is the first of the harvest festivals, so fruit and grain are big on this day.  My love is baking some braided bread that looks amazing.  It is rising right now, but I am sure it will smell and taste even better.  I am looking forward to that.

This evening, when the sun goes down, I will try to get outside.

I belong to a local group that celebrates the Sabbats and they are having a celebration this evening, but I am pretty certain I will not be able to attend due to extreme gastrointestinal issues which will make me want to stay close to home wherein lies my magical porcelain throne which the seven kingdoms do not fight over.

I will feast tonight, because my love is an awesome cook.  Maybe I will light a fire in the evening (as this is a fire festival) or burn an effigy to release the negativity we carry.  Incense and candles will be burned (of course), and good times will be had.

But I am still kinda “Meh” on this one.  One of the problems with a nature-centric belief system is that sometimes, nature sucks.  You understand the necessity of it.  You are thankful for what is provided by it, but you don’t want to go outside and play in it.

“That’s great that the love between the Goddess and the God burned so hot it literally consumed him, but could they not get their passionate heat all over the rest of us?  I don’t want to be consumed too!”

If you want to get really technical, this celebration should have happened yesterday after sunset since that is when the day began for the Celtic pagans, but fuck technicalities.  I do what I want.  Besides, if you get in to those kind of technicalities, you probably actually want to celebrate on the closest full moon.  My path allows me to mark days on a regular calendar, thank you very much.

Perhaps if my stomach feels any better later, I will let my Goddess consume me, if y’all know what I’m sayin’.   😉

Happy Lughnasadh, everyone!  May it be more than “Meh” for you!

 

 

 

 

1/4-Ass Post

Hello dear reader(s)!

I had doctor appointments today.   Good times.   So I’ll be back tomorrow.   That’s why you’re getting this quarter-assed post from me today.   I’d call it a half-assed post, but that would require twice as much effort.

Okay, so…that’s about it for this one.  Maybe I should’ve called this 1/16-assed post.

Updating The System

Hello dear reader(s)!

I apologize for the late hour of this post, but for like the fucking five hundredth day in a row, Windows decided to install updates again that took a few fucking hours to get done.  I have news for Microsoft, I am not working for the DNC, and therefore it is unlikely my little Surface is going to be a target of Russian hackers in collusion with the white house.

While I was waiting for said updates, I fell asleep.  I am fucking exhausted.  My own system could use an update.  Too many ups and downs lately are having their effect.  It isn’t fair to whine about it to anyone near me as what they are going through is far worse, but I do still feel, and I feel for them as well.

Oh well, life goes on, things will get better at some point, and no matter what, I will be okay.  I just wish that I had a little break in order to apply my own system updates.  A time where I can shut down and not have to deal with anything else while I make myself ready for the work ahead.

I would love to go hiking, as that is always a good reset, but it is too damn hot here (or too much on fire) and I am too damn broke to go anywhere that isn’t.  Maybe a nice walk tonight when the sun goes down will apply the patch I need to keep my system running until the full updates can be downloaded.

Anyway, I hope all of you are having a good weekend, and your operating systems are in good shape.

 

 

 

 

 

Crystal Worshiping Hippie!

Hello dear reader(s)!

It was 1980-something and my mom was going to go out with one of her friends.  She had a few books about astrology and I remember she was listening to Stevie Nicks.   I think whatever she was wearing had a paisley pattern.

I rolled my eyes so far back in my head, it is a wonder I am not more blind than I am.  (P.S.  The fact I can see at all is also proof that masturbation doesn’t make you go blind.)

Anyway, I completely remember calling my mom a crystal worshiper, and a hippie.

She is kind of an ex-hippie…kind of.  But I did not mean it in a historically accurate sense, rather, as a disparaging remark for those in need of a shower and who think that patchouli is a reasonable substitute for cleaning themselves.  (My mom showered and didn’t stink of patchouli, but the generalization is what is important here.)

Anyway, then I started to grow up a little bit.  I met a girl, and she gave me a crystal necklace with a little yin-yang symbol at the top of it.  She also had a similar crystal necklace (I believe hers was an amethyst), and told me that the crystals were linked and that I would be able to feel her through the crystal when we were apart.

I tried really heard to stifle the laughter.

But I wore the thing, for her, to make her happy.

And then I started to like it.

And soon I felt like it did seem to make me feel more connected to her when we were apart.

Then, as often happens young, that little bit of puppy love ended.  I think I either gave it back or threw it away.  I did not think of another crystal again.

Until a couple years ago, when a very good friend of mine was trying to help me through the overwhelming grief I was feeling at the loss of Hannah.  We were just talking about what we thought happened (if anything) when someone died, and I explained part of my thoughts on it and as it turns out, it sounded similar to what she believed and a variation of what I believe now.  I began to look into it, and found the foundations for my path.

When I made the decision to embrace my path, I made the decision to look into all aspects of it and all associated with it in order to see what worked best for me.  And what did I come to find?

A shit-ton (technical measurement term) of information about crystals.

Okay, I use the word “information” loosely.  It isn’t as though any of this is scientifically proven.

That’s okay, I like them.  I do not worship crystals.  But I do like them.  They do make me feel better.  Now I have a shit-ton of crystals.

20170709_151819
A small portion of the shit-ton.

I also hate the fact we spend so much on our military to protect the corporations’ ability to rape the resources that belong to the people across the globe.  So until there is a war we need to fight again to protect ourselves from tyranny (such as a revolution), I am very anti-war.  I guess that makes me a bit of a hippie.

So, basically, this post is to apologize to my mother.  I am way more of a crystal worshiping hippie than she ever was.  I even like a song or two by Stevie Nicks.

But I don’t wear paisley, and I fucking hate patchouli.

I prefer Sandalwood.

Blessed Be, my friends.

 

 

Fuck Anxiety

Hello dear reader(s)!

Last night after midnight (I guess that makes it early morning), I made the mistake of reading my “On This Day” feed from Facebook.  Today in my history is a very bad day.  No matter who I love now, or how much, the fact remains that two years ago today, I walked with the person I loved into the hospital and she never walked out.  So I couldn’t sleep last night after that.  Today, I am totally fucked up.

On top of that, I am not the only one in the house with bad anxiety.  So, yeah.

I am very happy I have reentered the blog-type-thinging world.  It is a coping mechanism.  Coping mechanisms are vital to get through this bullshit.

One of the big issues I have with anxiety though, is that I feel very unmotivated to ever even begin doing any of the things that help me to cope.  Once I force myself, I feel better, but I really have to force it.

People who know me, know I have been through a lot.  A multi-year long battle against my body is really no fun at all.  I have been hospitalized so much that I could fake being a doctor.  I still have so many issues years after the cancer is gone.

And yet, I think the toll it (and everything else) has taken on my mind is far worse.  I am not certain that 100% of the fatigue I feel so often is purely due to the damage from the treatment and all the complications.  I am beginning to believe a lot of it is purely due to the damage it has caused my mind.

I like cannabis for my anxiety, but I do not like being high ALL the time, so I use it sparingly.  It was made recreational legal (at the state level, fuck you Jeffyboy!) here and so I occasionally enjoy an edible for it.  I am very anti-driving under any type of influence though, and so even if I didn’t mind being high all of the time, I couldn’t use it every time I felt it would help.  I’ve tried the CBD stuff with no success.  There has to be some THC in it to help me.

Pharmaceuticals for anxiety are a fucking joke.  I’ve been on Ativan and Clonazepam and they both make me feel like fucking zombie (all the impairment of cannabis, without the pleasant feeling) and are highly addictive and can kill you if you run out.  That knowledge does not exactly help one’s anxiety.

“Hey, guess what, anxious person?  The doctor who refills your medication is on a fucking vacation and you can’t get a refill because the DEA has decided that drugs are bad, Mm’Kay?  So, too bad, so sad if the withdrawals kill you.”

So I don’t use that pharmaceutical poison.  It isn’t that effective, and the side effects are prohibitively awful.  In other words, like a lot of my conditions, I just have to deal.

I take no medicine for my neuropathy (although the cannabis can help with that too) because the medicine for it is worse than the pain.  Being in constant pain isn’t good for anxiety either.  But knowing that most legal medicines are actually rather terrible and pushed on us like candy causes a little anxiety too.

It is no wonder people drink themselves to death.  There is no really effective way to just stop the wheels is our head from spinning without some kind of substance.  Pharmaceuticals are dangerous and ineffective.  Alcohol is also very, very dangerous and causes severe rebound anxiety.  Cannabis is pretty effective, but is not federally legal (and therefore not as widely available), and comes with a ridiculous stigma associated with it.  It also causes some intoxication and sometimes you just don’t want to be intoxicated.  Out of all the substances, I will choose cannabis, but I wish there was some way just to cure this fucking head disease.  I have tried therapy, and while I have learned some techniques to manage it better, it sure as hell doesn’t make it go away.

In the meantime, I will just cope the best I can, like I always do.