Not The End Of This

Hello dear reader(s).

I apologize for my absence, but my new family is experiencing a loss.  A heavy sadness hangs over the house as they (and also I, though not to the same level) grieve.

No matter the natural order, no matter the knowledge that nothing really ends, no matter what your path may tell you, losing one you love is never easy.  Whether or not you believe you will see someone again, or that they will be in a better place, it is hard not to feel the hole their place in your life will leave.  It is a hole that can never be filled, only accepted.

My belief in life and death are a little different from most others I know.  It is not really consistent with any one path.

Essentially, I believe life is like a video game.  This actually comes a bit from my mom, a bit from what I’ve always thought, and a bit from some of the beliefs that have formed my path and practice.  We are all together, every soul, sitting around playing life like a video game.  Some of us are just watching and resting before we respawn.  But we’re all hanging out together, having a good time.  Where our souls are, in the other realm, where time has no meaning, we know we are there.  But the characters we play in life, they don’t know it.  They’re game characters.  Some of us are playing on expert mode, and have chosen difficult paths and a lot of challenges, some of us are playing on easy mode to get our feet wet and have different experiences.  This isn’t a literal video game, but the same sort of idea.  We are souls in another realm, playing life in these bodies for the honor of making it through the challenges of the hardest game anyone has ever played.  And then we bump it up to expert mode and master it.

This means that in that other realm, you are already there with your loved ones.  Time doesn’t matter.  In the multiverse theory that many scientists believe may be possible, the rules of physics, time, and space, do not necessarily conform to the rules of physics we here in this universe must follow.  The other realm is another universe.  When a loved one leaves here to the other realm, you all are likely sitting together aware of the fact that the loss you feel here isn’t actually real.  They watch you continue to play for a little bit as they chill out, grab a snack, and decide which level and mode on which they want to rejoin the game.

We are the characters in the game.  We don’t know that it’s not real.  We do not get to know what our souls are doing in the other realm.  We only have the ideas from the signs  and actions our souls have given us as they move us through this game.  From the Easter eggs left in the code by the game designers, the Goddess and the God.  Clues to help us complete the quests of this life through the challenges and the losses that would cause lesser players to hit the reset button.

I know I have taken this video game metaphor a little far.  It isn’t literal, but the only analogy I can use in terms that are easy enough to translate into what we all know.  Of course, in video games, (that we know of), the characters can never become self-aware.  They can never receive messages (other than the directions from the controller) from the player.   They can’t understand that what they are playing is just a game.  I think this game, this game of life we play from the other realm is different in those ways.  It is much more low-tech and advanced.  I believe that we can see it if we are open to it.

Let’s say I am wrong.  I probably am.  It is, admittedly, a pretty wild type of theory.

Death still is not the end of this.

Energy cannot be created or destroyed, it merely changes forms.

This, of course, is little comfort when you are experiencing a loss.  It doesn’t change the feeling of absence you have.  It doesn’t change the fact that you can’t enjoy the ones you lose in the same ways you have known and loved.  It does not change the emptiness you feel in your heart when you can no longer see, and talk to, and hold them.

But hopefully, one day, you can take some comfort in knowing that death is not the end.  There is no end.  There is no beginning.  Nothing ever dies, it merely changes forms.

Blessed Be.

 

Crystal Worshiping Hippie!

Hello dear reader(s)!

It was 1980-something and my mom was going to go out with one of her friends.  She had a few books about astrology and I remember she was listening to Stevie Nicks.   I think whatever she was wearing had a paisley pattern.

I rolled my eyes so far back in my head, it is a wonder I am not more blind than I am.  (P.S.  The fact I can see at all is also proof that masturbation doesn’t make you go blind.)

Anyway, I completely remember calling my mom a crystal worshiper, and a hippie.

She is kind of an ex-hippie…kind of.  But I did not mean it in a historically accurate sense, rather, as a disparaging remark for those in need of a shower and who think that patchouli is a reasonable substitute for cleaning themselves.  (My mom showered and didn’t stink of patchouli, but the generalization is what is important here.)

Anyway, then I started to grow up a little bit.  I met a girl, and she gave me a crystal necklace with a little yin-yang symbol at the top of it.  She also had a similar crystal necklace (I believe hers was an amethyst), and told me that the crystals were linked and that I would be able to feel her through the crystal when we were apart.

I tried really heard to stifle the laughter.

But I wore the thing, for her, to make her happy.

And then I started to like it.

And soon I felt like it did seem to make me feel more connected to her when we were apart.

Then, as often happens young, that little bit of puppy love ended.  I think I either gave it back or threw it away.  I did not think of another crystal again.

Until a couple years ago, when a very good friend of mine was trying to help me through the overwhelming grief I was feeling at the loss of Hannah.  We were just talking about what we thought happened (if anything) when someone died, and I explained part of my thoughts on it and as it turns out, it sounded similar to what she believed and a variation of what I believe now.  I began to look into it, and found the foundations for my path.

When I made the decision to embrace my path, I made the decision to look into all aspects of it and all associated with it in order to see what worked best for me.  And what did I come to find?

A shit-ton (technical measurement term) of information about crystals.

Okay, I use the word “information” loosely.  It isn’t as though any of this is scientifically proven.

That’s okay, I like them.  I do not worship crystals.  But I do like them.  They do make me feel better.  Now I have a shit-ton of crystals.

20170709_151819
A small portion of the shit-ton.

I also hate the fact we spend so much on our military to protect the corporations’ ability to rape the resources that belong to the people across the globe.  So until there is a war we need to fight again to protect ourselves from tyranny (such as a revolution), I am very anti-war.  I guess that makes me a bit of a hippie.

So, basically, this post is to apologize to my mother.  I am way more of a crystal worshiping hippie than she ever was.  I even like a song or two by Stevie Nicks.

But I don’t wear paisley, and I fucking hate patchouli.

I prefer Sandalwood.

Blessed Be, my friends.

 

 

Using The Full Moon

Hello dear reader(s)!

Tonight, in my area of the world, it is the full moon.  In my path, the night of the full moon is a great time to let go of that which no longer serves you, and so that is what I will be doing.  I intend to let go of my fears and insecurities that have been holding me back.  There may be more I have to accept letting go of, but that is still unknown to me.

I can only do what is known to me.  I can only prepare for what is.  I have ideas of the future, but I do realize at this point it still is not written.  I will do some spells to cast off my anxiety and inability to accept what is in the present moment.

I will also be doing some spells to help with my self-confidence.  My ego has taken multiple hits and I am getting worn down.  I have to remember that I am good, and I have the power within me to be happy.  Nobody else is responsible for that and nobody else can take it from me if I have it within.  I actually started with that last night, and am making some strides in that direction.

I am reminding myself that I have faced tougher challenges and survived.  Yes, I want to thrive again, but maybe I am pushing too hard.  I am reminding myself that no matter what, I’m going to be okay.

The fact that once again all of this is going on near the full moon just confirms to me that my path is where I belong.  When I step away from it for too long, I spiral out of control.  It is time to regain control of my life and my happiness.  It is time to do the things I know will make me happy and make my life better no matter how unmotivated I may feel.

Later tonight the moon will officially be waning.  After I banish all my fears and insecurities, I will use the time of the darkening nights to seek out ways I can build things for the better once the moon starts waxing again.

If you’re an empath, the full moon likely gets to you.  You may find yourself stressed out and anxious as it approaches.  It doesn’t have to be a stressful time.  You may be wondering what all you should let go of, and what you should keep.  I know that at the full moon in previous times, I have let go of things I may not have wanted to because of the stresses and feelings I had, that may have been unrelated or only partially related to whatever it was I let go of.

It is important to keep in mind that moon cycles come again.  Additionally, there is an entire half-cycle of the moon when it is waning and it may be a better time to release things when you are more focused and calm about what does and does not serve you.  I would advise all of you to only let go of that which you are absolutely certain no longer serves you in the long term.  Use the time of the waning moon for divination and seeing into the things you are not yet certain of.  Do not let the turmoil of the full moon trick you into rushing something that may need more time and clarity to really be certain of whether or not it is a thing you believe should or should not have a place in your life.

So tonight, go with the easy things.  The negative energy.  Fears.  Anxiety.   That which you are absolutely certain does you no good.  There is plenty of time when the tides within you are more stable to be able determine the things you are not quite certain of.  Then, relax.  Take a bath, if you can.  Use Epsom Salts.  Do some calming spells.  Have a good time.  Go outside and draw down the moon for more energy through the waning light.

If you are wanting to banish your fears and anxiety, here is a good base spell.  It’s easy and hardly requires any tools.  As with anything, your path will be different from mine, so tweak it however you feel you should.

  • After casting your circle, light a candle.  I like rose for this, but white works well too.
  • Watch the candle burn and say, “Goddess and God, take my fears, my anxiety and my tears, Burn them down in front of me, As I will, so mote it be.”  Repeat that nine times  (three times three) and visualize your anxiety melting away with the candle.  Let the candle burn out.
  • Thank the Goddess and God for helping empower you and attending your spell and then close your circle.

Take the power and wisdom you receive and try to think about the new beginnings you want to create after the New Moon.

Blessed Be, my friends.

 

 

 

 

A Revelation

Hello dear reader(s)!

How the fuck are ya?

I’m a bit better today.  If you read yesterday’s post (Why would you do that to yourself?), then you may have guessed I have been a bit down in the dumps lately due to my anxiety and some adjustment to the stresses that have occurred in my life recently.  A lot of big shit has happened recently, both good and bad, and unfortunately for me, the big bad shit has a tendency to get its stink all over the big good shit so that in my head they almost become indistinguishable from each other.

My feelings of self-worth have been very low.  Being unable to work and enduring a constant attack on people like me from those who are supposedly elected to represent us is taking its toll.  It isn’t just coming from them either (although I suspect that is coloring the opinions of others) as some former friends have also looked down upon me and taken advantage of my limited independence and the situations it has forced me to be in.

With my lousy financial outlook, my physical health battles, and my mental health battles, it has been hard to boost my self-esteem.  I have been feeling like a burden to everyone I know, and to society in general.

And so, in the middle of a massive bout with anxiety yesterday, I had a big, special brownie (Heck of a job, brownie!) and began thinking about myself from a mind that was quieted slightly.  With the replay of self-loathing turned down, I began to objectively look at the person I am, and I had a revelation.

So now, I shall read to you from the book of Special Brownie Revelations, 3:16.

And lo, Josh stopped to think about it, and saw that he is pretty kick-ass.  

It’s true, I am dependent on other people.  Likely always will be.  That does suck.  However, I bring a lot to the table.  Things I think matter a whole lot more than the list of cons that often causes me to feel like I am not good enough.

And now, I present to you, in the order I decided to type them out…

All the reasons I am fucking better than I sometimes think.

  • I am generous  I don’t have a lot, but make me care about you and you will get all I have.  I’d give those I love the skin off my back if that was ever necessary.
  • I am different  I don’t see things like most people. It has allowed me to treat people with respect and a kindness most people don’t expect.
  • I am generous  In bed too.
  • I am open-minded  Not hurting anyone that isn’t an adult who wants to be hurt?  Cool!
  • I am empathetic  This is good and bad, because it means I absorb all of other people’s shit, but it is good because I can relate and care about people and all they face, unless they are total hateful assholes or those who have betrayed me.
  • I have a sense of humor  So what if most of my jokes are cheesy?  At least I can tell them.
  • I am humble  Which is hard when I’m perfect in every way.
  • I am creative  Which is far better than being purely destructive.
  • I make lists of reasons I am better than I sometimes think when I am trying to pull out of bad head space rather than being a whiny piece of shit who decides life is too hard for them and so they get a gun and shoot up former co-workers or exes or some other poor people they blame for the fact that life is just sometimes hard and unfair.  

Anyway, long story slightly less long…

Thank you everyone who read and commented on yesterday’s post.  There is still a ways to go, but I am a bit better today and appreciate everyone’s kindness.

Have a great day and don’t do any mass shootings.

Fuck Anxiety

Hello dear reader(s)!

Last night after midnight (I guess that makes it early morning), I made the mistake of reading my “On This Day” feed from Facebook.  Today in my history is a very bad day.  No matter who I love now, or how much, the fact remains that two years ago today, I walked with the person I loved into the hospital and she never walked out.  So I couldn’t sleep last night after that.  Today, I am totally fucked up.

On top of that, I am not the only one in the house with bad anxiety.  So, yeah.

I am very happy I have reentered the blog-type-thinging world.  It is a coping mechanism.  Coping mechanisms are vital to get through this bullshit.

One of the big issues I have with anxiety though, is that I feel very unmotivated to ever even begin doing any of the things that help me to cope.  Once I force myself, I feel better, but I really have to force it.

People who know me, know I have been through a lot.  A multi-year long battle against my body is really no fun at all.  I have been hospitalized so much that I could fake being a doctor.  I still have so many issues years after the cancer is gone.

And yet, I think the toll it (and everything else) has taken on my mind is far worse.  I am not certain that 100% of the fatigue I feel so often is purely due to the damage from the treatment and all the complications.  I am beginning to believe a lot of it is purely due to the damage it has caused my mind.

I like cannabis for my anxiety, but I do not like being high ALL the time, so I use it sparingly.  It was made recreational legal (at the state level, fuck you Jeffyboy!) here and so I occasionally enjoy an edible for it.  I am very anti-driving under any type of influence though, and so even if I didn’t mind being high all of the time, I couldn’t use it every time I felt it would help.  I’ve tried the CBD stuff with no success.  There has to be some THC in it to help me.

Pharmaceuticals for anxiety are a fucking joke.  I’ve been on Ativan and Clonazepam and they both make me feel like fucking zombie (all the impairment of cannabis, without the pleasant feeling) and are highly addictive and can kill you if you run out.  That knowledge does not exactly help one’s anxiety.

“Hey, guess what, anxious person?  The doctor who refills your medication is on a fucking vacation and you can’t get a refill because the DEA has decided that drugs are bad, Mm’Kay?  So, too bad, so sad if the withdrawals kill you.”

So I don’t use that pharmaceutical poison.  It isn’t that effective, and the side effects are prohibitively awful.  In other words, like a lot of my conditions, I just have to deal.

I take no medicine for my neuropathy (although the cannabis can help with that too) because the medicine for it is worse than the pain.  Being in constant pain isn’t good for anxiety either.  But knowing that most legal medicines are actually rather terrible and pushed on us like candy causes a little anxiety too.

It is no wonder people drink themselves to death.  There is no really effective way to just stop the wheels is our head from spinning without some kind of substance.  Pharmaceuticals are dangerous and ineffective.  Alcohol is also very, very dangerous and causes severe rebound anxiety.  Cannabis is pretty effective, but is not federally legal (and therefore not as widely available), and comes with a ridiculous stigma associated with it.  It also causes some intoxication and sometimes you just don’t want to be intoxicated.  Out of all the substances, I will choose cannabis, but I wish there was some way just to cure this fucking head disease.  I have tried therapy, and while I have learned some techniques to manage it better, it sure as hell doesn’t make it go away.

In the meantime, I will just cope the best I can, like I always do.

 

 

 

 

Real Healthcare NOW!

Hello dear reader(s)!

I hate health insurance companies.  So do my doctors.  So do most of the staff I have dealt with, even though I know that without the for-profit middle-men of the insurance companies interfering in health care, many of that staff would not be employed.

The simple fact of the matter, is that health insurance companies make everyone’s health care more expensive, and less effective.

Here is an example, from this morning.

I have a Medicare Advantage plan.   It usually picks up the other 20% Medicare won’t pay, (minus co-pays, deductibles, etc…) and also sets up yearly out-of-pocket maximums which makes it worth it.  It also has a decent drug plan.  However, that means you are subject to networks, and in my case (because it is HMO style), referrals.

So today, I went to an appointment with a PCP (Primary Care Physician, not the drug), in order to…wait for it…get referrals.

You see, for me, with my history, every damn thing I need requires specialists.  A Primary Care Physician simply can’t grasp all of the different pieces of the puzzle that is me.  There are a lot of people like me.

Yet insurance companies work off of what is good for the average patient they are fleecing and know that most people don’t usually need specialists and that they can save more money just be being seen by Primary Care Doctors.

But not me.  And not a lot of other people.  My Primary Care Doctor really has no business being involved in my care.  Yet here I am, taking up an appointment slot, causing a doctor to get paid asking me questions on why I need the specialists I seek when I know damn-well why and could call them myself for the appointments if my insurance would pay.

It is always a fight too.  Despite being part of the same health group of my most recent hospitalization, the initial hospitalization of my first chemotherapy post-diagnosis, and some follow-up care and other hospitalizations, they still have to waste time asking me questions to justify the need.  They finally pull up a bit of records and then they agree, knowing that they have neither the time nor the expertise to treat me.  They bill my insurance company who spreads the costs out in terms of premiums and my insurance company receives money from Medicare.  It was a completely unnecessary visit, but people must get paid.

In addition, my Primary Care Physician always seems to believe they will uncover some truth the specialists will miss or are unrelated to my vast history and will order labs.  (As if the specialists won’t duplicate the same tests when under their care.)  Now I have to go do labs that will then be billed to my insurance company and the government, increasing costs.

The labs will come out abnormal (because it’s me) and the people at the office of the Primary Care Physician will not understand that is my normal and that only a specialist can really properly interpret the numbers.  They will panic and either have me go the ER or come back in for another appointment rather than give me the numbers over the phone or just send them on to the multiple specialists I am already being referred to.  Everyone will get paid.


It’s fucking bullshit.

These fucking death profiteers need to get their grubby-ass hands out of the game altogether.  They are not legitimately insurance, as insurance indemnifies against loss and they just profit while sticking their nose in your treatment.  Their profit margins are so high, as is their overhead, that costs are ridiculous.

Additionally, every hospital and provider group need to hire additional staff in order to deal with these scum which makes the costs of everyone’s healthcare increase.

Then the GOP turns around and blames the sick for everyone’s high costs, not even mentioning the obscene profits of those with their dirty fingers in the pie.  Real insurance, would be able to cover everyone, with lower costs.  Insurance is a pool, everyone pays into.  The money is available for those who need, on the likely scenario that people paying in will not all need it, but it is there just in case.  When people dip into that pool for insane profits and lavish lifestyles, it makes it seem as though that pool is not big enough even though without the unchecked greed and extra costs, it absolutely would be.

Canada does healthcare great.  Is it perfect?  Nothing is.  But the biggest complaints I hear about Canadian healthcare is the wait for elective procedures.   Our wait is growing here too, and we aren’t covering everyone.

Add to that George W. Bush’s gift to big pharma that Medicare won’t even negotiate for drug prices as a block, and it is no wonder people (not just the poor) are losing everything when a health issue arises.

Despite popular belief, a lot of the catastrophic health issues that arise have nothing to do with lifestyle.


My Medicare Advantage plan is better than Medicare alone.  Am I glad I have it?  No.  Because in most places I wouldn’t need it.  It costs money for the premiums and my income is already severely limited.

A lot of people do not like the politicians in this country.  I am one of them.  Just because vast amounts of money are thrown at someone, doesn’t mean they need to take it and let it influence them.  But a lot of people seem to miss that there are people behind the politicians trying and succeeding at buying their influence.  They claim healthcare is so expensive but throw vast sums of money at people who are supposed to represent you in order to influence policy in a way that brings them the highest possible profits.


We need single-payer healthcare.  Genuine healthcare that isn’t tied to a company’s stock price.  Until we have it, do not expect anything to get better.


If the people ever rise up, I would hope they remember that it is not just the government who is the threat.

 

 

MyFridayBlog is Independent

Hello dear reader(s)!

Here in the good ol’ US of A, it is Independence Day.  On this day, we decided to leave the UK which was maybe a good idea given Brexit and the Tories, but we fucked it up by electing Trump.  I guess dying by losing healthcare is better than being burned alive in a fucking tower, though.

Anyway, I’m not really celebrating ‘Merca today.  What’s to celebrate?  We are being fucking assholes.

So, I’m finally feeling like I can start being back at this shit again a little more regularly.  I am sorry for the false starts, reduced schedules which I couldn’t keep to, etc, etc…

A lot of shit has happened recently, that left me in no position to be able to post.  They include, but are not limited to…

  • 2 recent moves  1 long distance, 1 across town that was sudden and unexpected.
  • Falling deeply in love  When you start trying to spend all your time with someone, it doesn’t leave much time for blog-type-thinging.  I am still deeply in love, only now I can blog-type-thing while still spending time with my beloved.
  • A multi-day hospitalization  Severe sepsis is what they called it, although I think it was only a mild bacteremia.
  • Outpatient infusions  Having to get IV antibiotics through a PICC line for days after my hospital release due to the bacteremia/sepsis.
  • Dealing with an SSDI review  That likely will not take my most recent hospitalization into account.  Good times.
  • Worrying about the vast majority of my town being on fire  Okay, that is more recent, but still…  Meanwhile, in the area of a fire yesterday that has burned over 13,500 acres, dumbfucks are still lighting off illegal fireworks.  ‘Merca.
  • Enjoying delicious scones  Well, they are good, and do take time away.  Right now I am enjoying a delicious vanilla scone with a lime glaze, courtesy of my love.
  • Freaking out about the lack of “humanity” among humans especially those idiots who think that being patriotic is waving a piece of cloth made in another country for profit as the very ideals that piece of cloth are supposed to represent are no longer important to them 

Anyway, despite my definite decision not to celebrate this day of nationalism and false superiority, I will be barbecuing later today.  Not with anyone but those close to me, and not for Independence Day but just because it is going to be hot, everyone else will be barbecuing which will lead to barbecue aroma envy, and I like to barbecue.

We will be making uncured nitrate and nitrite free dogs, with potato salad.  I am rather excited by this development and might live-stream the whole event on my FUCKLIVESTREAMING account if I feel there is enough interest.

So, long story slightly less long and candy coated for your enjoyment, I am back, bitches!  (I understand “bitches” may be offensive to some, but that is okay, because you can call me a bitch and I won’t care, and if a certain someone were to in the correct context, I might actually enjoy it, or I might not, but that is none of your business, is it?)

I look forward to reestablishing myself as a regular post-type-thinger and reader, and you should too, because I said so and you have not fought a revolution against me to get out from under my rule.

Happy Day, everyone!