No More Of This

Dear you,

I am tired of us dancing around the subject.  No amount of attempts to define it as something else will be successful.  We cannot ignore the history that we have, as much as we may wish we could.

I want you.  I have for some time now.  The only time I ever gave up hope is when I thought it was hopeless.  But now I know that for anything else to happen between us would just be unnatural.  You were meant for me.  I am supposed to have you.

I dream of inhaling your sweet scent.  Breathing you in and holding you in with my breath, so that I can truly immerse myself in you.

I dream of tasting you.  Of savoring you on my tongue.  Of drinking your wetness into me to where it seems we briefly become one.

Am I just supposed to see you so close to me and act as if I don’t know the truth of what you are?  Am I supposed to pretend like I am not craving you every time you are near?  Am I supposed to sit by and watch as someone else takes you from me?  Am I suppose to play it cool and pretend I do not thirst for your very essence?

No more of this.

I do not care about what is proper here.  I do not care about any obstacles between us.  I will move them all out of my way to get to you.  I know this is how it needs to be with us.  I see you there in that glass, lemonade, and you’re mine.

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Most Guys

She always tells me why she reacts the way she does.  When she just expects the worst about me.

“Most guys try to keep me from going out with friends.”

“Most guys expect me to cook dinner every night when they get home, whether I am working or not.”

“Most guys don’t like my style.”

“Most guys get mad when I talk about this.”

“Most guys won’t let me do this.”

And on, and on.

So I tell her the truth.  I am not most guys.

To quote  the movie Say Anything, “The world is full of guys.  Be a man.”

And that’s what I am.

I tell her that I am the man who is not so insecure that I need to worry that she will go out and cheat on me.  I tell her that I am the man who will not isolate her from her friends and family in order to increase her dependence on me.  I tell her that I am the man who wants to know her thoughts, dreams, and fantasies and will not judge her for them.  I tell her that I am the man who is actually interested in her as a person, not as an object.  I tell that I am the man who did not choose her out of the many other women in this world in order to change her into being more like anyone else.  I tell her that if it makes her happy and does not really hurt me or anyone else, she should do it.  I tell her I am the man who will protect her from most guys.  I tell her I am the man who will make her forget most guys.  I tell her that I am the man who will make her wonder why most guys are so insecure, they fear a capable woman will not stay unless she is controlled or manipulated.  I tell her that I am the man who gives her the freedom to choose me each day, rather than feel possessed by me.

And then I prove it.

And then she runs right to me.

She still compares sometimes.  She acts as though I am some anomaly for recognizing and loving her as her own human being.  She seems surprised that I know that if she is worth having, I do not have to clip her wings.  She tells me most guys acted as though they were entitled to her.  She tells me how they would make her feel guilty anytime she wasn’t up for something once they had been with her.  She still occasionally tells me how much better I am than most guys.

But she never mentions you anymore.

Since I have shown her what a man can be, your name has faded from her thoughts.  She doesn’t talk about how you made her feel worthless.  She doesn’t talk about how you manipulated her into giving up her friends.  She doesn’t talk about how you moved her away and isolated her.  She doesn’t talk about how you used her child as leverage in your attempts to bind her to you.  She doesn’t talk about the threats, the abuse, and the other inhuman things that you put her through before she was strong enough to remember she deserved better.  She never mentions you at all anymore.  Now that she has seen what a man can be, you have become just another one of “most guys”.

How is it knowing that she isn’t struggling with most guys, as you struggle to find a woman who is half as good as her?  Knowing that she is here with me, already losing any thoughts of you personally?  Knowing that your only effect on her is to have been dumped into the category of “most guys” as she tells her new friends how much happier she is with me?

Eventually, she will get used to being treated right, and I won’t have to struggle so hard to keep her from fearing that I might hurt her the way you and most guys did.  Eventually she will come to expect it, to where even if we should ever go our separate ways, she can never go back to anyone like most guys.

You played the tough guy, but she now knows it was just your weakness.  All your cockiness betrays your lack of confidence.  All your manipulations have resulted in the very thing you tried to prevent.  Every single time you tried to tighten the reigns, she learned she had the power to break free.

You think about that tonight, as you are drinking yourself stupid to avoid thinking about how you will never have her again.  You think about how she may have chosen you once over most guys, but you could never compete against a man like me.

She won’t be thinking of you, though.  She won’t be thinking of most guys.  Tonight, she’ll be thinking of how great I am making her feel as she freely and eagerly gives herself to me.

 

 

 

Luna

Dearest Luna,

Sometimes I wonder if that author met you. You definitely have a knack for speaking uncomfortable truths. I recognized you instantly, and still can’t picture the character without your face. You see things the others can’t. Things that can only be seen by those who’ve seen death. For you, my Luna, the death wasn’t your mother’s, but your own. But like Phoenix, you were reborn even stronger. It is no wonder I follow you so easily into the fire. I remember you, my Luna.

It is only fitting I picture you in the moonlight. It is as though you were born from the moon. A piece of the Goddess herself. Perhaps this is why I worship you as I do. I wonder if you know that you are the star to every story you are in. Those who don’t see you are blind to it all. You float through this world, unattached to their opinions, and live in your own strength. I have always loved that in you.

I fall asleep and if the moonlight shines in the windows, you are there with me. I can picture your porcelain skin and smell that fresh softness as if you are in my arms. Do you remember that night, in the snow? When you illuminated the world with your moonlight as the clouds blanketed the sky? The snow reflecting the light from your eyes? Did you notice I saw? I see your light in the snow with every blink.

Come to me in the moonlight, my Luna. Come to me in the snow, and make your own moonlight. Come to my arms so that I can once again see in this darkness. Tell me of all that you see so that I may know even a glimpse of the hidden secrets you are privy to.

You are the star of my story, the moon in my sky. You are the odd one the others wish they could be. You are the kind and compassionate believer who sees past the surface. You don’t just practice magic, you are magic itself. I love you infinitely.

Love always,

No, I’m not going to call myself “Rolf.”

The Path

I walk alone along this path knowing that nobody can take the steps for me.  Right now it looks smooth and easy, but I never know what is coming around the next bend.  I could have taken a straighter path through an open field, but I think I may have become bored.  So I continue walking one step at a time, being certain to look at the scenery around me, and finding beauty in the darkness of the deep forest and occasional rough terrain.

Sometimes the path intersects with that of another.  We walk together for a period of time and the journey suddenly becomes easier.  It is always nice to have company along the journey.  Sometimes, their path turns off or ends and I find myself once again walking alone.

But I feel that even though I can not see your path, I am not actually walking alone.  I feel that you are walking with me.  Your path runs parallel to mine.  I sense you walking beside me, and occasionally, I call out to you.  Sometimes, I even feel as though I can hear you answer.  Once in a while, it seems I even catch a glimpse of you through the trees.  I wonder on occasion if our paths will ever cross.  I could make a new path to yours.  I could walk along your path for a while with you, but then I may miss out on that which awaits me on my own.

I continue walking.  I learn about the forest along the way.  I learn about the types of trees, along with what is dangerous, and what isn’t.  I learn what I can use from the path to help me along my journey and what I need to avoid.  I learn what is important to pay attention to, and what I can ignore.  Soon I find myself walking faster.

I reach a small clearing.  I look over, and I see you.  Your path is closer to mine now.  There is a pond between us, and each of us is approaching more trees.  I call to you to let you know I am aware that you have been walking beside me.  You answer back and tell me you have been forever.  I tell you that you look familiar.  You remind me of the short time our paths intersected and we walked together.  You tell me that even that brief walk together isn’t the only time we have ever walked together.  I tell you I feel like you are supposed to walk with me.  I see you smile and point forward on your path as you disappear into the trees.  I continue walking on my path, and enter a particularly dark area of woods.

Suddenly, I can’t feel you walking beside me any longer.  I feel nothing but the darkness of the trees around me.  The sun hardly gets through the dark canopy, and I feel a sense of fear.  I can hardly see, it is so dark.  I hear sinister noises around me in the thick of the forest.  I feel my heart race.  I pause of a moment, paralyzed with fear.  After a couple of minutes, I realize that if I do not keep moving, I will be stuck in this darkness forever.  I walk forward again, with new determination.  I do my best to block out the noises and eventually, my eyes adjust to the darkness.  I can see once again, and appreciate the look of the dark forest, but still hope for the light to return.

My path is winding so much that I can hardly feel the overall direction it is taking me, but I get the sense it is drifting closer to yours.  The trees thin somewhat, and the sinister noises fade.  The sun beings to peek through the tops of the trees once again, and illuminates the new growth around me.  I feel the breeze coming through now, and notice the sunlight causing the fluttering leaves to sparkle.

I hear singing.  It is you.  Your sweet voice floats over the shrinking space between us.  Your voice sings a song of optimistic happiness and carries me along the path.  I feel like you are very close to me now.  I smile as I walk along, listening to your voice.  I call out to you and tell you how much I want to be walking with you on the same path.

I hear laughter.  I try not to feel disappointed, but I was serious.  I want to walk with you.  You go back to singing.  I love the sound of your voice, but I am upset.  I want to walk with you, and you just laugh.  Then you begin singing again.

I continue walking, trying not to be too upset.  I am not listening to the words you sing as I am too hurt from your laughter when I called out to you.

But soon your sweet voice begins to fill my ears and my mind, and I start to listen as I approach another group of trees and a sharp bend ahead.  And then I hear you sing,

“Your love awaits me around the bend.  Our paths to each other are reaching the end.”

 

 

 

Bear

Dearest Sweetness,

I wish I could fall asleep and wake up when this month is over.  Things are actually going pretty well right now overall, and I am fairly happy in most aspects of life, but when I am still the memories of this month start to sneak their way in.  I miss you every single second.  No matter how much I love again, you will always be with me.

I am doing better at feeling less guilty for not knowing you had a problem.  You were crafty, and I was sick a lot.  I knew something was terribly wrong eventually, but you did a good job at keeping me in the dark.  Which brings the anger.

I can let it go sometimes.  I tell myself it wasn’t you, it was your addiction.  But I wouldn’t accept being lied to about anything else throughout our entire relationship if it were blamed on an addiction, so why should I accept this?  I do, because I love you unconditionally, and I can’t change anything now, but I have the right to my feelings of betrayal and anger.  Doesn’t change how much I love you.

Your friends (and mine, thanks to you) have pictures of you and them as their Facebook profiles.  I wonder if you understand why I can’t do that.  I wonder if you know that I couldn’t even see a picture of you without crying my eyes out until very recently.  I wonder if you know how it makes me feel knowing that so many people never even knew you.  I wonder if you know how it makes me feel to know that I thought you let me see the sides of you that you didn’t show anyone else, but how much it hurts knowing you still held something back.

I wouldn’t think the time of year would have gotten to me like it is.  I know when everything happened.  But why am I feeling it all right now like it just happened?  I’m on edge and it is probably coming through in all my interactions with everyone.  Hopefully I don’t fuck up the connections I have tried so hard to build since you died.

I think you’d be proud of me.  Things have been so hard.  I have felt very alone, very overwhelmed, very hopeless, very isolated, and yet I have kept going and walking into everything with as open of a heart and mind as I can.  I have made some really good friends and connections, and have even managed to have feelings for people again.  I know you wanted that for me.  I remember that stupid movie you loved, and how you told me that you wanted me to move on if anything ever happened to you.  I thought you were absolutely insane at the time, but I also thought that we wouldn’t have had such a short time together or even that I would outlive you.  I certainly didn’t think I would have so much of my life in front of me without you.  At any rate, I will never move on, but I am doing everything I can to move forward.

You helped me to know I was loved for me.  I’d never felt that before.  It has done wonders for who I am.  You have given me a bravery I never would have imagined having.  Some people have let me know I should be who I am and not care what anyone else thinks, but you are the one who let me know that even when I do, someone will love me.  I thank you for that.  You have shown me what I will and will not accept from people, and have made me know what I want out of life and how much I am willing to risk to have it.

You also changed the way I view love.  I thought you were the love of my life.  I realize that you are a love my life.  Not the love of my life.  That is a very different shift in the way I view I things, and I think it is probably a healthier to way see it.  It is actually somewhat freeing, knowing that there is all this space in my heart and knowing that just because someone is in it does not mean that someone can not have their own place in it.

So many people loved you so much.  Some of the people who never met you in person even.  One of our friends did a really touching tribute to you that I just think if you saw you’d do that thing where you are smiling so hard but trying not show it until you got home and cried happy tears like you used to do.  I miss that smile so much.

I know that if you could read this, you would already know these things.  I hope that in some way you do.  Somehow.  And even though I am writing this to you, I really think this is more for me to be able to put these feelings that all pop up randomly into words.  Maybe it is also a way to warn those closest to me that I am a basket case right now and probably will be through at least the remainder of this month.

Or maybe I just felt that if I send this out to the universe then it can find its way to you so that you know I will always love you, no matter how mad at you I may be some days, and no matter what happens during the rest of my life.

I will love you forever, and ever, and always.  You will always by my Sweetness, my Bear, and my Hannah Girl.

With all that I am,

Your Mister

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Forever, and ever, and always.

 

 

 

Sorry For You

Hello dear reader(s)!

It’s been six days since the Orlando shooting (not full days) and there has been no meaningful action.  I applaud the Senate Democrats for their filibuster to at least force a vote in order to close the terror gap in purchasing firearms, but since nobody in this country will hold the “no” voters accountable, I imagine it was a futile gesture.  I feel hopeless in speaking about all of the things that continue to be ignored.  Go watch your fucking reality show and take your Soma so you can forget about the fact innocent people are being killed by religious extremists of all religions with too easy access to weapons that only exist to kill people.  Make sure you order that Papa John’s pizza and affix those blinders to the things you could change if you actually fucking paid attention and showed some goddamn empathy for the fellow inhabitants of this Earth.

A year ago was the Charleston shooting, which too many people have moved on from.  I deleted two people off of my Facebook for their insistence that I was jumping to conclusions when I said it was racially motivated.  They insisted that my acknowledging it was helping to perpetuate the racism and more crimes like this.  That I was the one categorizing race, not the shooter.  Apparently telling the truth about a motive and wondering why we allow the sideways talk to continue and knowing that it ultimately leads to terrible violence and horrible acts helps cause these things.  According to them.  Then I took some shit from people for deleting them.

But look at where we are.

The Republican establishment has learned what has happened when you ignore the underlying currents of racism in your policies and rhetoric.  You get Trump.  The candidate who openly and loudly courts white supremacists and echoes their rhetoric.  They had their chance to stop him before he ever got in the race, and they failed  By accepting hate in whispers and buried in ALEC bills, they allowed and encouraged it in shouts and violence.

If you ignore it, you accept it.  If you accept it, you encourage it.  If you encourage it, you participate in it.

So even though I am sick to death of talking about the horrible shit that goes on in this society, and feel like I am tilting at windmills, I will not stop.  As much as my desire for self-care makes me want to just grab my loved ones and go live out in the middle of nowhere while this fucked up society burns around us, I can not do that.  As much as I think it is bullshit that the Democrats and the media made it impossible for Bernie Sanders to win the nomination before the first state even cast their primary ballots, I have to work for the person running against Donald Trump with the best chance to win.  He has to get absolutely crushed in the election so everybody learns never to play into hate in order to gain power again.

Your stupid fucking AR-15’s will not protect you from the government if they really wanted to come after you.  You’d be dead.  Ask the idiot who got killed with the Bundy crew.  The gun nuts believe that law enforcement and the military would side with them in a war against the government.  How did that work for that idiot?  The moron Nevada assembly woman who supported them just got destroyed in her congressional bid.  Lady, next time you’re masturbating with the barrel of your assault rifle, do the world a favor and pull the trigger.  There will be no race war.  Just a bunch of dumbass fucks in Cabella’s gear getting killed or arrested by the ATF and FBI.

The government does not want to come after you.  They don’t.  They’d win if they did, or do you have the most sophisticated air force in the world?  Have there been conspiracies?   Of course.  Ask the Tuskegee experiment family members.  Might there be again, or even now?  Possibly.  But apply some fucking reason.  They don’t care about you.  They have other shit to worry about.  Vaccines are not to poison you, chemtrails are contrails, it is mass hysteria and increased stress levels that is making everyone without Celiac disease or an allergy think they are suddenly gluten intolerant, and Obama is not a Muslim.  (And it wouldn’t matter even if he was, unless he was a fundamentalist.)  There is no cure for cancer.  There are effective cures for some cancers, and if they were being blocked we wouldn’t even have those.  Do lobbies try to block things that hurt their business?  Of course, look at marijuana.  Is it a secret conspiracy?  No, that shit is out in the open.  Next time don’t vote for someone who cares more about lobbiests than the people they represent.  If you don’t want to eat GMO’s, don’t eat them because anything bred (whether genetically modified or selectively) for shelf life usually tastes like shit.  It’s not killing you, food baby.

Wake the fuck up.  Quit playing like people are out to get you.  You are not that fucking important.  Nobody gives a rat’s ass about you.  They don’t.  The government is not out to get you.  Other races are not out to get you.  Other religions are not out to get you.  Are there factions in every group that may target those in another?  Sadly, yes.  Just as there are individuals who will target you for no reason.  Why in the fuck are you feeding into it?  Why do you participate?

If you are going to live around other people, there is a small chance you may become the victim at the hands of another person.  If you don’t, there is a small chance you may become the victim of a wild animal.  If somehow you find a place with no animals and no people, there is a small chance you may become the victim of the weather.  If you manage to be away from people, animals, and weather, you may become the victim of a volcano explosion, an asteroid impact, an earthquake, cancer, a heart attack, choking on a piece of your fucking food, or literally anything else.

So what are you going to do?  Hate everything?  Be scared of everyone and everything that has the potential to hurt you?   Sitting on your knees begging your God to take you away to a place where nothing can ever harm you?  Kill people for being scary to you?

What a miserable fucking existence.

Loving is way more fun than hate.  You all should try it.  Because I don’t hate you hateful idiots, I feel sorry for your stupid asses.


The Return Of Love

Hello dear reader(s)!

As you know I was deeply affected and still am by the shooting at Pulse in Orlando.  I do not intend to move on from this.  That’s what’s we seem to do as a nation.  We hear about something we should not accept, and through everything we’ve been taught about the grieving process, we learn to accept it.  But we shouldn’t accept this.  We should never accept this.

We can change things.  We did have an assault weapons ban in this country before.  It expired in 2005.  The gun nuts will argue the weapons to be banned aren’t actually assault weapons by whatever definition they prefer, but when I am referring to assault weapons, I am referring to the high capacity, hair trigger semi-autos that are designed to kill.  The Ar-15 is exactly the same as the M-16 when the M-16 is in select fire mode.  I know soldiers, and can tell you that full auto mode is actually rare as it decreases accuracy.  It is primarily used for cover fire.  This means people with an AR-15 are walking around with a weapon of war.  In one audio clip of the massacre, the gunman can be heard firing 24 shots in 9 seconds.  2 and 2/3 shots a second.  There is only one purpose for a gun that can do that.  We can regulate guns.  We already do.  You can’t buy a machine gun.  You can’t buy cluster bombs.  Or nukes.  But why not?  Those are arms.  It is constitutional.  We have done it, and we can again.

Things won’t change right away if we do.  Like the last assault weapons ban, the existing stock will be grandfathered in.  That’s a huge arsenal.  But there can be no denying that these types of mass casualty shootings have increased since the ban was allowed to expire in September of 2004.  You can say there are many factors that may have contributed to it, but it is both constitutional and necessary to limit weapons that can take out 49 people in a matter of minutes.  We can do better.  We can, and if we lead with love, we will.

Gun control is only one part of the equation.  The smallest part.  We need to change.  This nation was founded by people who fled persecution for believing differently than the people from which they fled.  Granted, those people were insane puritanical bastards, but the First Amendment is the First Amendment for a reason.  We are supposed to be able to think, speak, and live differently than some might prefer without having to fear for our lives, safety and freedom.

But, unlike what the average Trump voter will tell you, it has never meant that you can threaten or intimidate people.  It has never meant that you can call for the execution of people who do not live like you want them to.  It has never meant that you can use public resources to spread your messages of hate without other members of the public demanding their resources aren’t used for that purpose.  It has never meant that people need to provide you a forum to use your voice.  It has never meant that someone can’t speak right back at you.  That isn’t PC, that is responding to free speech with free speech.

How do grown adults loving each other hurt you?  Do they hold you hostage and force you to watch tied to a chair as they have free-for-all orgies and call out chants to their dark lord and master to smite you?  Do they decide because you want to have a traditional wedding in a church with your wife or husband that you must die?

No.

Those people you hate were probably more involved in your wedding than you know.  Maybe they cleaned the hall you rented.  Maybe they were part of the team that baked your cake or catered the dinner.  Maybe they helped manufacture or even sold you the decorations.  Perhaps they grew, arranged, or sold the flowers.  Designed the websites so you could find it all.  They support your love.  You don’t need to support theirs, just accept it.  Accept that having a business open to the public means being open to all the public who is not causing a disturbance and is willing to pay.  Or don’t start a fucking a business and live in your hateful bunker away from all the things you hate because the way you read your book tells you to.

Because different people are here.  They are not going anywhere.  You can’t deport them all.  You can not send them all to gas chambers.  (Hitler tried that once, remember?)  Is that really what you want?  Do you think you can actually win?  Let’s do the math.

The piece of shit with the AR-15 took out 50 people including himself, and last I heard wounded another 53.  One hundred and three people out of commission with a relatively unarmed, unprepared, and untrained target.  According to the Census, there is roughly 322 million people in the US, most people estimate 1 in 10 of those people are gay in some way.  32 million.  Now, let’s count all the people in support of equality.  According to Gallup, roughly 60% of Americans supported marriage equality just before the Supreme Court made it legal.  193.2 million people.  So out of the 128.8 million people who are opposed, let’s say that the radical opposition is the same as as the percentage of Muslims who are extremists which according to a recent Pew Research study is .00625%.  And that’s being generous given the different levels of desperation that influence extremism.  So .00625% of 128 million is 8,480.  8,480 people against 193.2 million.  Some of which also own assault weapons.  Some of which fly fighter jets and drive tanks.  Do you really think you can win?

If gay people and their allies hated you the way you hate them?  You’d be fucking dead.

But guess what?  We don’t want to hate.

We just think people should be able to love the way want to as long as they are consenting adults.  If you think your God doesn’t like that, let your God condemn those of us that believe otherwise in the afterlife you feel the need to bring on prematurely.  Because look around fuckfaces, this isn’t Heaven.

Not that I’d want to go there with a God that hates anyway.

I choose hope.

I choose love.