1/4-Ass Post

Hello dear reader(s)!

I had doctor appointments today.   Good times.   So I’ll be back tomorrow.   That’s why you’re getting this quarter-assed post from me today.   I’d call it a half-assed post, but that would require twice as much effort.

Okay, so…that’s about it for this one.  Maybe I should’ve called this 1/16-assed post.

Fuck Anxiety

Hello dear reader(s)!

Last night after midnight (I guess that makes it early morning), I made the mistake of reading my “On This Day” feed from Facebook.  Today in my history is a very bad day.  No matter who I love now, or how much, the fact remains that two years ago today, I walked with the person I loved into the hospital and she never walked out.  So I couldn’t sleep last night after that.  Today, I am totally fucked up.

On top of that, I am not the only one in the house with bad anxiety.  So, yeah.

I am very happy I have reentered the blog-type-thinging world.  It is a coping mechanism.  Coping mechanisms are vital to get through this bullshit.

One of the big issues I have with anxiety though, is that I feel very unmotivated to ever even begin doing any of the things that help me to cope.  Once I force myself, I feel better, but I really have to force it.

People who know me, know I have been through a lot.  A multi-year long battle against my body is really no fun at all.  I have been hospitalized so much that I could fake being a doctor.  I still have so many issues years after the cancer is gone.

And yet, I think the toll it (and everything else) has taken on my mind is far worse.  I am not certain that 100% of the fatigue I feel so often is purely due to the damage from the treatment and all the complications.  I am beginning to believe a lot of it is purely due to the damage it has caused my mind.

I like cannabis for my anxiety, but I do not like being high ALL the time, so I use it sparingly.  It was made recreational legal (at the state level, fuck you Jeffyboy!) here and so I occasionally enjoy an edible for it.  I am very anti-driving under any type of influence though, and so even if I didn’t mind being high all of the time, I couldn’t use it every time I felt it would help.  I’ve tried the CBD stuff with no success.  There has to be some THC in it to help me.

Pharmaceuticals for anxiety are a fucking joke.  I’ve been on Ativan and Clonazepam and they both make me feel like fucking zombie (all the impairment of cannabis, without the pleasant feeling) and are highly addictive and can kill you if you run out.  That knowledge does not exactly help one’s anxiety.

“Hey, guess what, anxious person?  The doctor who refills your medication is on a fucking vacation and you can’t get a refill because the DEA has decided that drugs are bad, Mm’Kay?  So, too bad, so sad if the withdrawals kill you.”

So I don’t use that pharmaceutical poison.  It isn’t that effective, and the side effects are prohibitively awful.  In other words, like a lot of my conditions, I just have to deal.

I take no medicine for my neuropathy (although the cannabis can help with that too) because the medicine for it is worse than the pain.  Being in constant pain isn’t good for anxiety either.  But knowing that most legal medicines are actually rather terrible and pushed on us like candy causes a little anxiety too.

It is no wonder people drink themselves to death.  There is no really effective way to just stop the wheels is our head from spinning without some kind of substance.  Pharmaceuticals are dangerous and ineffective.  Alcohol is also very, very dangerous and causes severe rebound anxiety.  Cannabis is pretty effective, but is not federally legal (and therefore not as widely available), and comes with a ridiculous stigma associated with it.  It also causes some intoxication and sometimes you just don’t want to be intoxicated.  Out of all the substances, I will choose cannabis, but I wish there was some way just to cure this fucking head disease.  I have tried therapy, and while I have learned some techniques to manage it better, it sure as hell doesn’t make it go away.

In the meantime, I will just cope the best I can, like I always do.

 

 

 

 

MyFridayBlog is Independent

Hello dear reader(s)!

Here in the good ol’ US of A, it is Independence Day.  On this day, we decided to leave the UK which was maybe a good idea given Brexit and the Tories, but we fucked it up by electing Trump.  I guess dying by losing healthcare is better than being burned alive in a fucking tower, though.

Anyway, I’m not really celebrating ‘Merca today.  What’s to celebrate?  We are being fucking assholes.

So, I’m finally feeling like I can start being back at this shit again a little more regularly.  I am sorry for the false starts, reduced schedules which I couldn’t keep to, etc, etc…

A lot of shit has happened recently, that left me in no position to be able to post.  They include, but are not limited to…

  • 2 recent moves  1 long distance, 1 across town that was sudden and unexpected.
  • Falling deeply in love  When you start trying to spend all your time with someone, it doesn’t leave much time for blog-type-thinging.  I am still deeply in love, only now I can blog-type-thing while still spending time with my beloved.
  • A multi-day hospitalization  Severe sepsis is what they called it, although I think it was only a mild bacteremia.
  • Outpatient infusions  Having to get IV antibiotics through a PICC line for days after my hospital release due to the bacteremia/sepsis.
  • Dealing with an SSDI review  That likely will not take my most recent hospitalization into account.  Good times.
  • Worrying about the vast majority of my town being on fire  Okay, that is more recent, but still…  Meanwhile, in the area of a fire yesterday that has burned over 13,500 acres, dumbfucks are still lighting off illegal fireworks.  ‘Merca.
  • Enjoying delicious scones  Well, they are good, and do take time away.  Right now I am enjoying a delicious vanilla scone with a lime glaze, courtesy of my love.
  • Freaking out about the lack of “humanity” among humans especially those idiots who think that being patriotic is waving a piece of cloth made in another country for profit as the very ideals that piece of cloth are supposed to represent are no longer important to them 

Anyway, despite my definite decision not to celebrate this day of nationalism and false superiority, I will be barbecuing later today.  Not with anyone but those close to me, and not for Independence Day but just because it is going to be hot, everyone else will be barbecuing which will lead to barbecue aroma envy, and I like to barbecue.

We will be making uncured nitrate and nitrite free dogs, with potato salad.  I am rather excited by this development and might live-stream the whole event on my FUCKLIVESTREAMING account if I feel there is enough interest.

So, long story slightly less long and candy coated for your enjoyment, I am back, bitches!  (I understand “bitches” may be offensive to some, but that is okay, because you can call me a bitch and I won’t care, and if a certain someone were to in the correct context, I might actually enjoy it, or I might not, but that is none of your business, is it?)

I look forward to reestablishing myself as a regular post-type-thinger and reader, and you should too, because I said so and you have not fought a revolution against me to get out from under my rule.

Happy Day, everyone!

 

 

Amazing Special Offer!

Hello dear reader(s)!

Are you tired, bored, or listless?   Is something that is out of your control weighing heavily on your mind?  Are you struggling to get out of bed or up off the couch because nothing really sounds good to you?

Well, have I got an offer for you!!!!

(I don’t know, do I?)

I have come across a product, so ingenious, so revolutionary, so amazing, that I simply need to share it with you dear reader(s)!

How much would you expect to pay for one product that could solve all of the problems mentioned earlier?

Would you pay $100?

How about $50?

How about $40?

How about three easy payments of $9.95?

Well you’re not going to have to pay that much.

I think you’ll agree, the solution to these problems is priceless.

But for an unlimited time only, I’m offering this product to you, my dear reader(s), absolutely free of charge!!!!    (Shipping and handling not included.)

Today’s amazing special offer?

Force yourself to get up, and go take a walk in nature.

That’s what I’m going to now.

Have a great day, everyone.

 

Adventuring

Hello dear reader(s)!

I am super tired today.  I barely feel like leaving the house.  It took me a lot of work to even break out the computer to post.  I wasn’t up too massively late.  I didn’t party very hard last night.  I am just very sleepy.  Maybe because it has been kind of cloudy.  Maybe because I am still recovering from the sinus gunk.  Who knows?

But oddly enough, I really want to go do something.  Something a little crazy.  I want to go on an adventure.  I want to see something I have never seen, and do something I have never done.

I’m very torn between knowing I need to take it easy, and wanting to go do something crazy.

I’m not even sure what or how crazy, I just know I want to do something new.  I want to experience more out of this life than I have.  I want to have more stories that are about what I have done, rather than what has happened to me.

So now I just have to figure out what kind of adventures to do.  What I am capable of, what I need to do in order to have them, who I should invite to adventure with me, etc.

What I have figured out, is that no matter what challenges you face, life is meant to be lived.  Life doesn’t happen in front of a computer.  Life is an adventure that must be had.

So now I must start with my first adventure today, getting in the shower. finally.

Happy Sunday, dear reader(s), make it an adventure.

Rediscovering Me

Hello dear reader(s)!

Something I have decided to do since my last relationship ended is to attempt to do more of the things that make me happy on my own.  Things like songwriting, painting. sketching (poorly), reading, and writing.

It’s been great.

I’ve also been keeping pretty socially.  I’ve gone out and visited some old friends and made some new ones.  I am going to an Ostara celebration Monday that I am really looking forward to.

I haven’t felt this much like me since I first started getting sick. Granted, I am still sick way too much, and have a lot less energy and a lot more problems than I did back then, but I am still very much me, and I am finally beginning to realize that.  I like me.

I went to a really great new coffee shop this morning.  It probably wasn’t the best move, given I haven’t had coffee in a while and my stomach is messed up from a recent round of antibiotics, but I am glad I found a quality coffee shop that is not too far from me.  Of course, I usually make my own coffee, but when I don’t or want to meet up with someone, now I know of a really cool place to go.

I feel back in my element.  I have plans to start drumming again, and am feeling more motivated and creative than I have in some time.  I enjoy my alone time a lot more, not feeling lonely during any of it.

I can’t wait to see what kind of things this rediscovery of myself brings.  Even if there is nothing more than this feeling, I know it is a good thing.

 

There Exists A World

Hello dear reader(s)!

As you can tell, if you are paying attention, I have been very inconsistent about my posting lately.  It is not as if I do not enjoy blog-type-thinging, or that I want my readership to return to the levels where it was just my mom, or that I am out living some kind of glorious and excitement-packed life packed full of excitement packs; I simply have been doing my best to unplug a little bit.

Because there exists a world out there.  One beyond our screens and angry internet comments.  One beyond the funny memes and great blog posts.  One where there is a lot of beautiful and fun things waiting to be experienced.  A world where people treat each other with respect and compassion, even as forces attempt to stop us.  A world where animals play near a beautiful river that cuts through some woods that may soon be cut down to make way for the newest shopping center.  A world where you can breathe the air on most days.

And I will be damned if I do not experience that world while I still can.

So while my health may not always allow me to get outside, on the days it does, I am going to try.  I am going to continue to smile at the people I see as I pass them.  Maybe they are angry, maybe they think that I am the enemy because I do not support the President or his administration, maybe they think I am a sinner; I will smile anyway.  I will show my humanity to this world every chance I get.

If you spend your life in front of a computer screen, you live in an ugly world.  If you think real life is represented in the comments section of an inflammatory story on the website of your local television news station, you have no clue what real life is all about.  There are people, just trying to get along, doing the best they can with what they have.  People of all ethnicities, of all classes, just trying to live their life in peace.  They do not care what you believe, what you do with your body, or what you do to survive.  They are too busy being worried about their own survival and that of their loved-ones.  Their biggest concern right now is whether or not they should participate in the commercially forced display of love that is Valentine’s Day.  They’re looking at their checking accounts wondering if they can afford that thing they want or need.

They care about you too.  If they knew, and really understood what their taxes were used for, and were not being misinformed by those with a vested interest in taking more of the share for themselves, they wouldn’t care if you needed those food stamps to help you get by.  If they weren’t constantly being subjected to the spin and fictional alternative facts of the corporate whores in power, they might not care that you self-medicate with marijuana instead of the legal vodka, prescriptions, or tobacco.   They do not really want to see you suffering.  Not out in the real world.

Hiding behind their computer screens, there are a lot of people who want to see you suffer.  There are a lot of evil people who think they want to see you die.  Out in the real world, those people rarely dare to make an appearance.  And when they do, the vast, vast majority of people rush to your assistance.

But the real world is rarely even that confrontational.  The conversations I have had with strangers in the real world go a little more like this:

Stranger:  I have never understood why they don’t staff more cashiers.  

Me:  It’s less expensive to make one person do the job that should be done by many.  This is why I wouldn’t even shop here if I could afford to go anywhere else.

Stranger:  That and the way they helped shut down local businesses.  

Me:  You got that right.

Stranger:  One time it was so bad in here, that my husband, who is usually very patient, just left his full cart right by the line and walked out.  I’ve never seen him so upset.  He didn’t say anything to the employees though, because he saw how busy they all were.  

Me:  Yeah, I feel really bad for most of them.  Occasionally, you’ll notice it is their own fault, but that rarely is the case.  {Noticing the line moving}  Finally!  I hope you have a great day!

Stranger:  You too!

And that is much more involved than usual.  That was an almost verbatim conversation I had the other day with a lady of another racial group at a big store that shall not be named but rhymes with Ball Fart.  Even more typical interactions with people go more like this:

Me:  Hi!  I’d like a number 4, with a large coke.

Stranger:  $7.42 at the window.

Me:  Thanks!

And then they repeat the total, I give them the money, they give me the food.  I thank them, wish them a nice day, they do the same, and I drive off.

It’s not that motherfucking hard to be a good person in the real world.

Online, there are people taking issue with everything you do.  That rarely happens in the real world.  Online, there are people who think that they are always right, and everyone else is always wrong.  That is rarely the case in the real world.

There exists a world out there, that is full of nature, full of smiles, and full of people just trying to get along.  And yes, bad things happen out in that world.  But out in that world, those bad things aren’t blown out of proportion and debated about whether or not they are actually bad.   There aren’t pundits brought in to give legitimacy to the motivations of whatever was bad.

I am not going away, I am not stopping this here blog-type-thing.  I am just taking a little time to remember that there exists world out there, while it still exists.


Don’t forget, there is a general strike being called for this Friday.  Get out in the world that day and do some good.

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