The Day After Yesterday

It was 19:06 when the author began writing his post in this here blog-type-thing.  A cool, autumn breeze blew past his window, but he didn’t really care, since it was closed.  Despite that, the fact it was not shitty, hot, stupid fucking summer was evident even inside his house.

The author reflected on the events that happened to him, just the day before.  He reflected on the special breakfast, the good wishes, the special dinner, the gifts, and of course, the traditional Dia de Los Josh, pumpkin pie.  For a moment, he smiled.

The smile quickly faded as he remembered the horrors that also happened on that day.  The screams of the post-Halloween jack-o-lanterns still echoed in his ears.  Then the images.  Pumpkin guts everywhere.  Orange all over.  Seeds, strings, and pumpkin meat littered the cardboard spread on the ground.  First a claymore, then a machete.  And his own hands yielding the weapons of the pumpkins’ demise!

He racked his brain, trying to figure out what had gotten into him.  Why did he kill those innocent jack-o-lanterns?  Why did he have to cut them into so many pieces?  And…why, why did he want to do it again?  What was the reason for his pumpkin blood lust?

Suddenly, he remembered.  It was Dia de Los Josh.

He knew that one day every year, it would come…and it did.  Yesterday.  And the day after yesterday, well…we all know what that is.  It is that which shall not be named, because it didn’t really like all of the names we had picked out for it.  I really liked Bob, but its grandparents objected.  Wait…

What?

Oh yeah.

Hello dear reader(s)!

So life is good right now.  I am getting settled in the new place, and things have finally calmed down from the move.  We had an amazing Halloween/Samhain with more trick-or-treaters than I knew existed on this particular planet.  We had some pretty kick-ass decorations, and it was a lot of fun.  Then yesterday, my birthday happened.  I got some great and thoughtful gifts, and yes, a traditional birthday pumpkin pie.  For fun, we took the six pumpkins we carved for Halloween and destroyed them with my claymore and machete.  We then had to clean up pumpkin, but it was Loreal.  Because it was worth it.

Today was just very chill, but with some running around.  Nothing too exciting, just a good find at a local shop.  But that was really nice, because I am a little sick of too exciting right now anyway.  Chill is good.  Tomorrow I am hoping I won’t even have to leave the fucking house.

Anyway, just checking in to say howdy.  Things are calming down, and though I do intend to really get working on my book, I plan to devote a lot of time to writing now, so I may just be able to get back into a regular posting routine complete with regular posts and routines at no additional cost to you!  But wait, that’s all!

 

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A Good Day

Hello reader(s) of dearness!

Remember me?  No?  Probably for the best.

Anyway, I have to say that I think the wave might have finally broke, and things are going to get a little easier once again.  (You may applaud.)

Let me explain what all has been going on.

  • My health  It has been difficult ever since I got out of the hospital for the mild sepsis, or bacteremia, or whatever the fuck it was.  The last course of IV antibiotics that I had seemed to further set off my autonomic and peripheral neuropathy, causing a whole shit-ton of problems to get even worse.  Fortunately, I am now learning to adjust my life accordingly, and am also receiving treatment to try to keep out of the hospital.  Today, I got a lead on financial assistance for that treatment, which will help a great deal because even when I have the money, with that expense, it won’t last.
  • Being forced to move  Because housing and rental prices are through the fucking roof here, my fiance was forced to move because the owner of the house decided to sell.  This caught her off guard since it seems the owners bought the property for more than they can get for it now.  As such, there was not enough money for deposits saved.  Fortunately, I was able to take an early payout of some money that was already scheduled to be distributed to me, in order to avoid interest and fees on borrowing.  The hassle of trying to find an acceptable place in our price range was daunting, but we were able to find a nicer, larger house, for the same price that her previous model is currently renting for.  I love this house, and think it will be a nice place to call home for a time.
  • Registration issues  It seems every time someone moves a long distance, important documents get lost along the way.  So when my fiance went to get her registration done in this state, she realized that she was missing a document that our state requires.  Our state is shitty about it too, and her previous state is full of incompetent liars.  Her out-of-state registration was expiring, so she was not able to drive her vehicle.  Fortunately, my Beastess works great, and we have been utilizing it, but it sucks being down to only one car, especially when moving the last few items she has from her old house to our new one.  She rushed off, overnight, a letter and the fee to get a copy of that document, along with an overnight envelope, but the assholes in that state sat on it for 11 days before finally sending it back.  I just happened to have checked the tracking number today, and found it was delivered, just this afternoon.  She can now get her car back, and there is much rejoicing.
  • Government issues  I think the last time I posted, I was under Social Security Disability review.  Despite my paranoia about it, the government agrees that I am obviously disabled, and so my benefits shall continue.  (Even though the GOP might cut all that because they are scum sucking fuckpigs.)  Meanwhile, every single thing you see is some embarrassment to our country.  I really am just deciding that I need to find a way to live without any government at all, because I think that is where things are heading.  Of course, things would be different if I lived in a state that actually has programs, but I do not, and so fuck anyone who thinks I am not doing all I can, especially as they vote for the fuckers trying to take away what little there is.  At any rate, I feel more comfortable relying on my fiance, than I do a bunch of old, white, Christian conservatives who were born into money.
  • Miscellaneous issues  Between my cross-country move earlier in the year, moving into a former “friend”‘s house who wanted me to act more like a rent-paying house guest than a roommate – who then kicked me out when I stood up for myself, moving again, losing another “friend” who wouldn’t stop hitting on my fiance (and basically blamed me for stealing her as if she was ever interested in his married-ass anyway), having to give my cats to my mother due to primarily allergy and logistical reasons, and some other issues…this year has been a monkey-fucked donkey dick.

But this year has been pretty damn good too.

I met and got engaged to my lovely fiance.  I am absolutely stunned by the depth of our connection in such a short time.  Having her in my life has been amazing.

Even though we had to move, the house we are in now is like my dream home.  I love it.  We even found a couple spare hours (over the course of a few days) to decorate for Halloween.  I love the way it looks with decorations, and am really anticipating Christmas.

I have great friends that know and understand my limitations.  They do not make me feel bad when I can’t show up to most things, or cancel at the last minute.  They welcome me back anytime I am physically able to get together.

One of my friends surprised me by repaying a loan early, and in full, (rather than the payments we agreed upon), just when it was needed most.  Because when insurance sucks, medical treatment is expensive, and your income is peanuts, a large sum of money isn’t nearly as large as some think.  The timing was incredible, and breathing is now possible.

My cats are very happy with my mom, and I am so relieved.  They will always be my kids, even if they are now her kitties.  I am so grateful that she was able to take them, because otherwise I don’t know what I would have done.

And it is fall, and almost time for Halloween, Samhain (same day), and Dia De Los Josh!

Anyway, between getting the document, some work done to clean my fiance’s old residence, the news of possible financial assistance for my treatments, and just a general good feeling, I gotta say, today was a good day.

Friends, Romans, Countrymen, Dogs, Cats…

Hello dear reader(s)!

I am not writing my book right now.  My computer is getting too hot, and I have a feeling it might take a proverbial dump on me, so I have put off the writing of anything important to me until I can be more assured it will not be lost to the sketchy electronics in this crappy lovely computer.

On the plus side, my blog-type-thing isn’t important to me, which means I can write here until my computer is resigned to the big recycling heap in the sky.  (Recycle it?  Not with MY browsing history!)

So…where did we leave off?

I think we were nearing the meeting of O’Rinn and Alexandra at the battle of Lethos.

Surrounded by the bodies of his fallen enemies, O’Rinn was still feeling the effects of the adrenaline.  He knew if he did not find an outlet, the beast within would once again emerge.  He could not risk his allies from the East learning his truth.  He wanted to tear into someone, but all his opponents were dead.  His blood felt as if it were boiling and his muscles tensed tightly, causing him to look more animal than human.  Indeed, he was, but he knew that to be a secret best kept to himself.  He began his attempts at meditation.  He visualized his home by the rocky shores of the western ocean and attempted to feel the serenity and peace he felt when home.  

Out of the water, she came.  Her dark eyes, both deep and piercing, held his gaze as he looked upon her beauty.  Her raven hair fell onto her pale shoulders.   Her warrior dress seemed to emphasize each and every curve of her body.  Rather than calming the beast, this image of her seemed to only stir the fire within.  As she approached closer, he saw the blood stains she proudly bore upon her clothing, and the ocean scene faded away.  The desolate, bloody battlefield reemerged and still she came closer.  He realized he wasn’t imagining her with the ocean, but knew she was straight out of his dreams.  

“I am eternally grateful to you, great warrior,” she began as she touched his cheek with her fingertips.  “Our people surely would not have survived this onslaught without your courage and skill.”  

O’Rinn replied, “No need to be grateful, we of the Albion have a common enemy.  Nothing more, nothing less.  We are also grateful for your fighters, and especially a woman so brave as yourself.”

“Queen.” Alexandra corrected.  “And since you were clearly ignorant of that fact, I will not be offended that you did not kneel before me.”

“I kneel before no one,” O’Rinn stated with a slightly annoyed tone.

“Your poor lovers,” Alexandra answered as she looked hypnotically into his eyes.  “I am quite certain I will have you kneeling before me by nightfall,” she continued as she removed her hand from his cheek and brought it down to firmly grip his co-

Wait, what?  We didn’t leave off there?!?!!  You mean I hadn’t been posting this story all along?   Oh, well…what do you want from me?

I don’t want to write about current events.  It’s too depressing right now, and there are plenty of people with a much larger influence speaking to it all better than I can.

Life is pretty good, with the exception of health and wishing I were more financially secure, so that is nothing worth writing about either.

I could go into more details about my health, but I am still coming to grips with the reality that there is no getting better from this.  I had always thought that if I could just take care of X, Y, and Z, that I could resume a somewhat normal and independent life, and learning that there is no taking care of X, Y, and Z is a little hard to handle.  Symptom management with little results seems to be all I can do.  At least I won’t be wasting as much co-pays on different specialists who can’t do anything for me anymore.  It is too depressing to think about for very long.

I fell backward and stepped on my phone last week.   My replacement phone literally just arrived a minute ago.  It is amazing how much you don’t realize you use your phone until you don’t have one.  It is pathetic how much I have come to rely on it.  I mostly miss the camera.  It is hard to take naughty pictures while holding up my computer.  (Kidding.  It is actually easy to take naughty pictures using my computer.)  (Kidding, I don’t take naughty pictures*, unless you count taking pictures of the naughty food treats my fiance spoils me with.)  (*Subject to change based on finances.)

Anyway, I guess what I am saying, is that I am probably back for now, but might just write a bunch of stories because there really isn’t much I want to talk about and I am not yet at the point where I need to start camming in order to keep afloat.

I hope you all are doing well, and are enjoying the day of labor.

 

 

 

 

 

 

What In The Actual F-ck?!?

Hello dear reader(s)!

Guess who’s back?  Back again?  Josh is back.  Sorry.

I know I keep saying that I will post more consistently.  Then I post for a couple days straight, and drop off for like a week.  My bad.  I keep thinking I can actually manage this.  Lately however, I just can’t.  In fact, I literally can’t even.  Yes, one pumpkin spice frappuccino for McKenzie too.

So what in actual fuck, Josh?  Where you been?  Why the long face?  You’re not a horse.

Well, I’ve been here, mostly.  But I’ve been tired.  Tired as fuck.  In the world of fucked-up medical shit, we like to call it fatigue.  Actually, we like to call it napping, but tomato tomato.  I’m not going to call the whole thing off, however.  Anything you can do I can do better.  Anyway…

I’ve been furiously trying to figure out what the hell is wrong with me.  Between my GI symptoms, a few other ones, and the fatigue, I was getting scared.

Fortunately, my fiance (yup, I’m engaged), is a super sleuth and figured out what is going on that some really great doctors couldn’t figure out during literal YEARS of complaining.  (Literally.)  The tendency of doctors to look at individual symptoms as separate systems requiring separate specialists causing separate tests and separate co-pays and co-insurance amounts, caused them all to overlook something wrong that ties it all together and makes perfect sense given something else we already knew was wrong.  So now I know what the problem is, (besides run-on sentences) the only issue is that it seems to be one of those “tough shit, get used it” type of issues.  It is still somewhat comforting to know that I am not losing my mind, (well…totally, anyway), and there IS a physical reason for all of these issues.

Anywho, this is good news for my writing, as now I will likely be seeing less doctors to try to find something that isn’t there (That colonoscopy sure was shitty.  Get it?  Shitty?) and will be less likely to try to force myself to do things I can’t do.  That means more time at home, where a computer will likely be handy.

But…my writing may soon start to move away from this here blog-type-thing on a temporary basis.  I am going to begin considering beginning to plan the beginning of the study of whether or not I should begin to plan the beginning of the process for beginning to write my book, starting all the way from the beginning.  Good for my writing, bad for this here blog-type-thing.  Unless I get stuck, and decide to post in this here blog-type-thing as a way to break up the monotony, since Mono and Tony have drifted apart since becoming a Hollywood power couple anyway.

So now that y’all know what is up, I guess I should grace you all with one of my rants, y’all have come to know and despise.

Ready?  Okay!  Be aggressive, B-E aggressive!

YOU CAN’T BE A RACIST AND A PAGAN!!!!

You can, I guess, but you’re a fucking idiot and should call yourself something else.  In a system of beliefs of honoring many different Goddesses and Gods as a representation of the natural forces that created all, your superiority complex does not jive.  You know not of what you speak, you know not of what you claim to be, and if you show up to any of my pagan events I will personally cut your fucking heart out with my athame.

You are not welcome in my community.  You are not welcome near my path.  You should not be welcome anywhere on this planet, but not everyone has standards.  Fuck off, and die, you Nazi trash pieces of shit.  Tell your chosen Gods they can go fuck themselves if they support you.  (They don’t.)

If you are a pagan, and want more acceptance of your belief system, and less persecution from others, you need to be calling out these racist fucks trying to twist your path to justify their hate too.  Just because hardly any of the followers of the Abrahamic religions do it, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t too.  We need to tell these fuck-bags they do not have a home in our communities.  

On a happier note, I choose high C.  I think high C is a happy note.  Yes, if it is part of a minor chord, it could be sad, but the note itself is happy.  It is so happy, it 1046.502 hertz.

Okay, dear reader(s), that’s all for me.  Let’s recap what we have learned today, shall we?  No?  Too bad!

I will not be posting very consistently (big shocker, and nothing new), but for different reasons, and I hate my health.  Please refer any additional questions to my counsel, who doesn’t exist.

Finally, I will still try and read y’all from time to time, even when I am not posting, just because you is smart, you is kind, you is not really important since you’re just a tiny spec in this vast universe, but tell yourself whatever you need to sleep better at night.

1/4-Ass Post

Hello dear reader(s)!

I had doctor appointments today.   Good times.   So I’ll be back tomorrow.   That’s why you’re getting this quarter-assed post from me today.   I’d call it a half-assed post, but that would require twice as much effort.

Okay, so…that’s about it for this one.  Maybe I should’ve called this 1/16-assed post.

Fuck Anxiety

Hello dear reader(s)!

Last night after midnight (I guess that makes it early morning), I made the mistake of reading my “On This Day” feed from Facebook.  Today in my history is a very bad day.  No matter who I love now, or how much, the fact remains that two years ago today, I walked with the person I loved into the hospital and she never walked out.  So I couldn’t sleep last night after that.  Today, I am totally fucked up.

On top of that, I am not the only one in the house with bad anxiety.  So, yeah.

I am very happy I have reentered the blog-type-thinging world.  It is a coping mechanism.  Coping mechanisms are vital to get through this bullshit.

One of the big issues I have with anxiety though, is that I feel very unmotivated to ever even begin doing any of the things that help me to cope.  Once I force myself, I feel better, but I really have to force it.

People who know me, know I have been through a lot.  A multi-year long battle against my body is really no fun at all.  I have been hospitalized so much that I could fake being a doctor.  I still have so many issues years after the cancer is gone.

And yet, I think the toll it (and everything else) has taken on my mind is far worse.  I am not certain that 100% of the fatigue I feel so often is purely due to the damage from the treatment and all the complications.  I am beginning to believe a lot of it is purely due to the damage it has caused my mind.

I like cannabis for my anxiety, but I do not like being high ALL the time, so I use it sparingly.  It was made recreational legal (at the state level, fuck you Jeffyboy!) here and so I occasionally enjoy an edible for it.  I am very anti-driving under any type of influence though, and so even if I didn’t mind being high all of the time, I couldn’t use it every time I felt it would help.  I’ve tried the CBD stuff with no success.  There has to be some THC in it to help me.

Pharmaceuticals for anxiety are a fucking joke.  I’ve been on Ativan and Clonazepam and they both make me feel like fucking zombie (all the impairment of cannabis, without the pleasant feeling) and are highly addictive and can kill you if you run out.  That knowledge does not exactly help one’s anxiety.

“Hey, guess what, anxious person?  The doctor who refills your medication is on a fucking vacation and you can’t get a refill because the DEA has decided that drugs are bad, Mm’Kay?  So, too bad, so sad if the withdrawals kill you.”

So I don’t use that pharmaceutical poison.  It isn’t that effective, and the side effects are prohibitively awful.  In other words, like a lot of my conditions, I just have to deal.

I take no medicine for my neuropathy (although the cannabis can help with that too) because the medicine for it is worse than the pain.  Being in constant pain isn’t good for anxiety either.  But knowing that most legal medicines are actually rather terrible and pushed on us like candy causes a little anxiety too.

It is no wonder people drink themselves to death.  There is no really effective way to just stop the wheels is our head from spinning without some kind of substance.  Pharmaceuticals are dangerous and ineffective.  Alcohol is also very, very dangerous and causes severe rebound anxiety.  Cannabis is pretty effective, but is not federally legal (and therefore not as widely available), and comes with a ridiculous stigma associated with it.  It also causes some intoxication and sometimes you just don’t want to be intoxicated.  Out of all the substances, I will choose cannabis, but I wish there was some way just to cure this fucking head disease.  I have tried therapy, and while I have learned some techniques to manage it better, it sure as hell doesn’t make it go away.

In the meantime, I will just cope the best I can, like I always do.

 

 

 

 

MyFridayBlog is Independent

Hello dear reader(s)!

Here in the good ol’ US of A, it is Independence Day.  On this day, we decided to leave the UK which was maybe a good idea given Brexit and the Tories, but we fucked it up by electing Trump.  I guess dying by losing healthcare is better than being burned alive in a fucking tower, though.

Anyway, I’m not really celebrating ‘Merca today.  What’s to celebrate?  We are being fucking assholes.

So, I’m finally feeling like I can start being back at this shit again a little more regularly.  I am sorry for the false starts, reduced schedules which I couldn’t keep to, etc, etc…

A lot of shit has happened recently, that left me in no position to be able to post.  They include, but are not limited to…

  • 2 recent moves  1 long distance, 1 across town that was sudden and unexpected.
  • Falling deeply in love  When you start trying to spend all your time with someone, it doesn’t leave much time for blog-type-thinging.  I am still deeply in love, only now I can blog-type-thing while still spending time with my beloved.
  • A multi-day hospitalization  Severe sepsis is what they called it, although I think it was only a mild bacteremia.
  • Outpatient infusions  Having to get IV antibiotics through a PICC line for days after my hospital release due to the bacteremia/sepsis.
  • Dealing with an SSDI review  That likely will not take my most recent hospitalization into account.  Good times.
  • Worrying about the vast majority of my town being on fire  Okay, that is more recent, but still…  Meanwhile, in the area of a fire yesterday that has burned over 13,500 acres, dumbfucks are still lighting off illegal fireworks.  ‘Merca.
  • Enjoying delicious scones  Well, they are good, and do take time away.  Right now I am enjoying a delicious vanilla scone with a lime glaze, courtesy of my love.
  • Freaking out about the lack of “humanity” among humans especially those idiots who think that being patriotic is waving a piece of cloth made in another country for profit as the very ideals that piece of cloth are supposed to represent are no longer important to them 

Anyway, despite my definite decision not to celebrate this day of nationalism and false superiority, I will be barbecuing later today.  Not with anyone but those close to me, and not for Independence Day but just because it is going to be hot, everyone else will be barbecuing which will lead to barbecue aroma envy, and I like to barbecue.

We will be making uncured nitrate and nitrite free dogs, with potato salad.  I am rather excited by this development and might live-stream the whole event on my FUCKLIVESTREAMING account if I feel there is enough interest.

So, long story slightly less long and candy coated for your enjoyment, I am back, bitches!  (I understand “bitches” may be offensive to some, but that is okay, because you can call me a bitch and I won’t care, and if a certain someone were to in the correct context, I might actually enjoy it, or I might not, but that is none of your business, is it?)

I look forward to reestablishing myself as a regular post-type-thinger and reader, and you should too, because I said so and you have not fought a revolution against me to get out from under my rule.

Happy Day, everyone!