Struggling

Hello dear reader(s)!

I just wanted to let you know that I have attempted numerous times to return to posting.  I keep thinking there will be a better time but that time just keeps getting further and further out.

Everything I have facing me is probably nothing to a normal person.  There are more than enough hours in the day for me to believe that everything I need to accomplish should be able to get done and not send me into a tail-spin.  That is, if I was normal.

But I am not normal.  I am very damaged.  Both physically and mentally.

If I don’t feel awful physically (which is rather rare), I am probably in the midst of a covered anxiety attack.  Maybe some will even catch me in a full-blown panic attack.  Most probably won’t.  They take a look at me with my seemingly healthy body and the smile on my face and think I am fine.

It’s not that I try to hide the fact I am struggling, it is that sometimes I am genuinely happy to see people, so I smile.  Sometimes there really is fun going on in the middle of this shit-show and I just so happen to be relaxed enough to enjoy it.  Maybe, for once, my feet aren’t hurting so bad that they are making me reconsider my thoughts on certain medications.

Or maybe I just don’t want to bring them down too.  Nobody likes a Debby Downer unless they are laughing at the old SNL skit.

I have been trying to get help for how I feel physically for years.  I have been trying to get help for my mental illnesses, or disorders, or whatever the fuck you call them for years, too.  I have put myself into tremendous debt on a futile quest to get better.  That just adds to it.

I didn’t ask for any of this.  Contrary to the libertarian belief, there are some things you just can’t take personal responsibility for.  From getting a cancer that hasn’t been linked to any lifestyle practices, to being misled by doctors, to losing a career I was beginning to excel in, (or any ability for a workplace career again), to my financial issues, to constantly being made to feel like I am not a worthy human being for this society…I didn’t ask for one fucking bit of it.  It wasn’t my choices that brought it on.

I try as hard as I fucking can.  Harder than anyone I know.

I do my absolute best not to make people feel the way some have made me feel.  I let people know they are valued.  I’m not a fucking saint, but I try so hard.

I make mistakes.  In fact, I think much of my mistakes come from my good intentions.  Sometimes, I try too hard.  Sometimes, my attempts at keeping myself wanting to continue living lead me to make the mistakes I do.  But we all make mistakes.  Some of us don’t even try.

I’m tired.  I’m tired of trying so hard for people who will never accept me anyway.  I am tired of pretending that I can do this.  I am tired of pretending I know what I am doing.  I am tired of struggling against the force of the whirlpool that I have serious doubts I will ever be able to escape.

But what choice do I have?  Should I let myself drown and be as weak as those mocking me from the shore because they have never even been in the water?

I am tired.  I need help.  I AM struggling.

But I guess that is a good thing because struggling means I haven’t given up.

 

 

 

 

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Friends, Romans, Countrymen, Dogs, Cats…

Hello dear reader(s)!

I am not writing my book right now.  My computer is getting too hot, and I have a feeling it might take a proverbial dump on me, so I have put off the writing of anything important to me until I can be more assured it will not be lost to the sketchy electronics in this crappy lovely computer.

On the plus side, my blog-type-thing isn’t important to me, which means I can write here until my computer is resigned to the big recycling heap in the sky.  (Recycle it?  Not with MY browsing history!)

So…where did we leave off?

I think we were nearing the meeting of O’Rinn and Alexandra at the battle of Lethos.

Surrounded by the bodies of his fallen enemies, O’Rinn was still feeling the effects of the adrenaline.  He knew if he did not find an outlet, the beast within would once again emerge.  He could not risk his allies from the East learning his truth.  He wanted to tear into someone, but all his opponents were dead.  His blood felt as if it were boiling and his muscles tensed tightly, causing him to look more animal than human.  Indeed, he was, but he knew that to be a secret best kept to himself.  He began his attempts at meditation.  He visualized his home by the rocky shores of the western ocean and attempted to feel the serenity and peace he felt when home.  

Out of the water, she came.  Her dark eyes, both deep and piercing, held his gaze as he looked upon her beauty.  Her raven hair fell onto her pale shoulders.   Her warrior dress seemed to emphasize each and every curve of her body.  Rather than calming the beast, this image of her seemed to only stir the fire within.  As she approached closer, he saw the blood stains she proudly bore upon her clothing, and the ocean scene faded away.  The desolate, bloody battlefield reemerged and still she came closer.  He realized he wasn’t imagining her with the ocean, but knew she was straight out of his dreams.  

“I am eternally grateful to you, great warrior,” she began as she touched his cheek with her fingertips.  “Our people surely would not have survived this onslaught without your courage and skill.”  

O’Rinn replied, “No need to be grateful, we of the Albion have a common enemy.  Nothing more, nothing less.  We are also grateful for your fighters, and especially a woman so brave as yourself.”

“Queen.” Alexandra corrected.  “And since you were clearly ignorant of that fact, I will not be offended that you did not kneel before me.”

“I kneel before no one,” O’Rinn stated with a slightly annoyed tone.

“Your poor lovers,” Alexandra answered as she looked hypnotically into his eyes.  “I am quite certain I will have you kneeling before me by nightfall,” she continued as she removed her hand from his cheek and brought it down to firmly grip his co-

Wait, what?  We didn’t leave off there?!?!!  You mean I hadn’t been posting this story all along?   Oh, well…what do you want from me?

I don’t want to write about current events.  It’s too depressing right now, and there are plenty of people with a much larger influence speaking to it all better than I can.

Life is pretty good, with the exception of health and wishing I were more financially secure, so that is nothing worth writing about either.

I could go into more details about my health, but I am still coming to grips with the reality that there is no getting better from this.  I had always thought that if I could just take care of X, Y, and Z, that I could resume a somewhat normal and independent life, and learning that there is no taking care of X, Y, and Z is a little hard to handle.  Symptom management with little results seems to be all I can do.  At least I won’t be wasting as much co-pays on different specialists who can’t do anything for me anymore.  It is too depressing to think about for very long.

I fell backward and stepped on my phone last week.   My replacement phone literally just arrived a minute ago.  It is amazing how much you don’t realize you use your phone until you don’t have one.  It is pathetic how much I have come to rely on it.  I mostly miss the camera.  It is hard to take naughty pictures while holding up my computer.  (Kidding.  It is actually easy to take naughty pictures using my computer.)  (Kidding, I don’t take naughty pictures*, unless you count taking pictures of the naughty food treats my fiance spoils me with.)  (*Subject to change based on finances.)

Anyway, I guess what I am saying, is that I am probably back for now, but might just write a bunch of stories because there really isn’t much I want to talk about and I am not yet at the point where I need to start camming in order to keep afloat.

I hope you all are doing well, and are enjoying the day of labor.