Fuck Anxiety

Hello dear reader(s)!

Last night after midnight (I guess that makes it early morning), I made the mistake of reading my “On This Day” feed from Facebook.  Today in my history is a very bad day.  No matter who I love now, or how much, the fact remains that two years ago today, I walked with the person I loved into the hospital and she never walked out.  So I couldn’t sleep last night after that.  Today, I am totally fucked up.

On top of that, I am not the only one in the house with bad anxiety.  So, yeah.

I am very happy I have reentered the blog-type-thinging world.  It is a coping mechanism.  Coping mechanisms are vital to get through this bullshit.

One of the big issues I have with anxiety though, is that I feel very unmotivated to ever even begin doing any of the things that help me to cope.  Once I force myself, I feel better, but I really have to force it.

People who know me, know I have been through a lot.  A multi-year long battle against my body is really no fun at all.  I have been hospitalized so much that I could fake being a doctor.  I still have so many issues years after the cancer is gone.

And yet, I think the toll it (and everything else) has taken on my mind is far worse.  I am not certain that 100% of the fatigue I feel so often is purely due to the damage from the treatment and all the complications.  I am beginning to believe a lot of it is purely due to the damage it has caused my mind.

I like cannabis for my anxiety, but I do not like being high ALL the time, so I use it sparingly.  It was made recreational legal (at the state level, fuck you Jeffyboy!) here and so I occasionally enjoy an edible for it.  I am very anti-driving under any type of influence though, and so even if I didn’t mind being high all of the time, I couldn’t use it every time I felt it would help.  I’ve tried the CBD stuff with no success.  There has to be some THC in it to help me.

Pharmaceuticals for anxiety are a fucking joke.  I’ve been on Ativan and Clonazepam and they both make me feel like fucking zombie (all the impairment of cannabis, without the pleasant feeling) and are highly addictive and can kill you if you run out.  That knowledge does not exactly help one’s anxiety.

“Hey, guess what, anxious person?  The doctor who refills your medication is on a fucking vacation and you can’t get a refill because the DEA has decided that drugs are bad, Mm’Kay?  So, too bad, so sad if the withdrawals kill you.”

So I don’t use that pharmaceutical poison.  It isn’t that effective, and the side effects are prohibitively awful.  In other words, like a lot of my conditions, I just have to deal.

I take no medicine for my neuropathy (although the cannabis can help with that too) because the medicine for it is worse than the pain.  Being in constant pain isn’t good for anxiety either.  But knowing that most legal medicines are actually rather terrible and pushed on us like candy causes a little anxiety too.

It is no wonder people drink themselves to death.  There is no really effective way to just stop the wheels is our head from spinning without some kind of substance.  Pharmaceuticals are dangerous and ineffective.  Alcohol is also very, very dangerous and causes severe rebound anxiety.  Cannabis is pretty effective, but is not federally legal (and therefore not as widely available), and comes with a ridiculous stigma associated with it.  It also causes some intoxication and sometimes you just don’t want to be intoxicated.  Out of all the substances, I will choose cannabis, but I wish there was some way just to cure this fucking head disease.  I have tried therapy, and while I have learned some techniques to manage it better, it sure as hell doesn’t make it go away.

In the meantime, I will just cope the best I can, like I always do.

 

 

 

 

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Author: Josh Wrenn

Cancer survivor, wanna-be artist, musician, author, and all around good guy.

30 thoughts on “Fuck Anxiety”

  1. Yes, fuck anxiety. I think it took me a lifetime (about 35 years) for my anxiety to hit its peak, and it’s come down slowly, slowly, with much ‘work’. It’s a different, although similar experience for everyone, so I’m a proponent for trying everything and then making the best choice per person. Ativan was helpful to me in the beginning. Ativan, sleep, and decaffing made dramatic impact that first year. Therapy is super, too, but not all therapists are.

    I took an Ativan last winter, so I’m not dependent. I last talked it out almost two years ago, so I’m not dependent. Drinking IS my fave. I last drank Sunday, so I’m not dependent… I last had caffeine Monday, so I’m not dependent… But I do sleep every single day, so I guess I’m dependent on the zzzzz. Probably have a serious bubble bath problem as well… and a compulsion to meditate, walk, and blog —
    I’m deeply sorry you’ve experienced so much trauma. You have incredible spirit.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. 💜💜💜 Flashback anxiety is an entirely different monster than chronic anxiety I think. They’re both draining and awful. Something about the anxiety associated with a past event though… idk. I’m sorry. I’ve been there. It sucks.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. I didn’t have PTSD or GAD until I got sick and had some horrible experiences with medical staff (and still do). Also, did you know you can now get tested to see if/how you metabolize medications? I’m pretty sure I don’t metabolize anti-anxiety meds, and I hate the side effects. And I’m not a fan of weed either because my goal isn’t to be high. I was on the program in AZ because I’m allergic to my shunts and in super bad pain and the edibles didn’t help budge it a bit, but I got high enough not to care. Yuck. I like being aware of what’s going on. And fuck fireworks.

        On another note, my group that gets together every other week to practice our intuitive gifts is going to also get together for the solar eclipse on August 21st. That might be a good day to send off some marshmallow sacrifices or something. 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

      2. My PTSD was definitely from getting sick. The GAD may have been there.
        Edibles help my neuropathy and also calm me down, but sometimes I don’t want to be high either.

        Marshmallow, chocolate, and graham cracker sacrifices to my mouth sound good.

        Liked by 1 person

  3. Therapy, unfortunately, isn’t a cure, as you know. It’s a way to develop coping mechanisms to use every single day. B, of GettingThroughAnxiety, could tell how much every day is a fight to put those practices to good use.

    At least you found something, legal, that aids you. Small steps! ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Oh, I understand – Well, no I don’t, but I recently saw something in the news that brought me back to a horrible day and I wanted to tear apart everything good.
    Now, let me tell you something. You once posted a picture of Hannah being silly in a “crate” in the garage and you said something about how you both made your own fun. (I think you had uptight neighbors) THAT was when I decided you were awesome.
    I am sorry for your sadness, and your anxiety. Do not feel guilty – you were able to capture proof that you enabled her to be goofy and if we can’t be goofy, why breathe? Sending love

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I only started taking medication just under six months ago. I found it has worked to a point but I do feel that my anxiety has creeped up again. I have thought of giving cannabis a go. I would have played around with as a teenager however I had a bad experience in Amsterdam once and I never went near it again. I wouldn’t know where to find it if I tired! Are you completely against Pharmaceuticals? I am extremely wary and curious to know others thought on them.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. For anxiety, I have never seen a pill that is worth the side-effects and risks associated with it. It’s not like all pharmaceuticals are bad, just some work better than others and none for anxiety seem to be good. And, as you said, the effects never seem to last.
      I take it that cannabis is not legal in your state?

      Like

      1. Afraid not! I am sure it will happen eventually. Its early days for me I am just figuring it all out. I am much happier and definitely have a better frame of mind & know medication helped but I also know that by simply accepting my situation and understanding my thought process better is helping also!! I am taking my time just taking it all in I suppose.

        Liked by 1 person

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