Hello dear reader(s)!
Last night after midnight (I guess that makes it early morning), I made the mistake of reading my “On This Day” feed from Facebook. Today in my history is a very bad day. No matter who I love now, or how much, the fact remains that two years ago today, I walked with the person I loved into the hospital and she never walked out. So I couldn’t sleep last night after that. Today, I am totally fucked up.
On top of that, I am not the only one in the house with bad anxiety. So, yeah.
I am very happy I have reentered the blog-type-thinging world. It is a coping mechanism. Coping mechanisms are vital to get through this bullshit.
One of the big issues I have with anxiety though, is that I feel very unmotivated to ever even begin doing any of the things that help me to cope. Once I force myself, I feel better, but I really have to force it.
People who know me, know I have been through a lot. A multi-year long battle against my body is really no fun at all. I have been hospitalized so much that I could fake being a doctor. I still have so many issues years after the cancer is gone.
And yet, I think the toll it (and everything else) has taken on my mind is far worse. I am not certain that 100% of the fatigue I feel so often is purely due to the damage from the treatment and all the complications. I am beginning to believe a lot of it is purely due to the damage it has caused my mind.
I like cannabis for my anxiety, but I do not like being high ALL the time, so I use it sparingly. It was made recreational legal (at the state level, fuck you Jeffyboy!) here and so I occasionally enjoy an edible for it. I am very anti-driving under any type of influence though, and so even if I didn’t mind being high all of the time, I couldn’t use it every time I felt it would help. I’ve tried the CBD stuff with no success. There has to be some THC in it to help me.
Pharmaceuticals for anxiety are a fucking joke. I’ve been on Ativan and Clonazepam and they both make me feel like fucking zombie (all the impairment of cannabis, without the pleasant feeling) and are highly addictive and can kill you if you run out. That knowledge does not exactly help one’s anxiety.
“Hey, guess what, anxious person? The doctor who refills your medication is on a fucking vacation and you can’t get a refill because the DEA has decided that drugs are bad, Mm’Kay? So, too bad, so sad if the withdrawals kill you.”
So I don’t use that pharmaceutical poison. It isn’t that effective, and the side effects are prohibitively awful. In other words, like a lot of my conditions, I just have to deal.
I take no medicine for my neuropathy (although the cannabis can help with that too) because the medicine for it is worse than the pain. Being in constant pain isn’t good for anxiety either. But knowing that most legal medicines are actually rather terrible and pushed on us like candy causes a little anxiety too.
It is no wonder people drink themselves to death. There is no really effective way to just stop the wheels is our head from spinning without some kind of substance. Pharmaceuticals are dangerous and ineffective. Alcohol is also very, very dangerous and causes severe rebound anxiety. Cannabis is pretty effective, but is not federally legal (and therefore not as widely available), and comes with a ridiculous stigma associated with it. It also causes some intoxication and sometimes you just don’t want to be intoxicated. Out of all the substances, I will choose cannabis, but I wish there was some way just to cure this fucking head disease. I have tried therapy, and while I have learned some techniques to manage it better, it sure as hell doesn’t make it go away.
In the meantime, I will just cope the best I can, like I always do.