Hello dear reader(s)!
Happy St. Valentine’s Day! If you’re stupid, you may not know what St. Valentine’s Day is all about. You may not know proper behavior or customs for this day. Never fear, this article is here to help you avoid the common pitfalls of this day, to keep you from making a major faux pas (facsimile paw) and end up sleeping out on the couch while your significant other is getting railed in your bed by someone else.
“In order to succeed in the present, one must know the past, provided it is an approved Christian-friendly version of the past that celebrates white supremacy and traditional values of boring sex and loveless servitude-based marriage.” – Betsy DeVos
It all starts in a little town somewhere in Italy which doesn’t matter because it is not in America…
Street Valentino was a young man who was seeking a better life for himself. A hard worker, and nice guy, he just wanted the opportunity to succeed in something other than the fishing and cheese making his little Italian town was known for. He decided, like many people, to come to America, land of those who believe they are free. Before setting sail on the commercial airline, he changed his name to Steve Valentine in order to appear less Italian to the racist and xenophobic Trump supporters.
Upon landing at JFK in New York, Valentine was detained by Customs and Border Patrol thugs because he might be too dark. After 18 hours of extreme vetting, including multiple cavity searches performed by Billy Billy, and checking all of his social media accounts to ensure that Valentine was not talking shit about Führer Putin or his puppet Trump, he was granted entry into the United States.
Valentine drove to Little Italy. He loved it, but he thought there was too much concrete. He missed the rolling hills of his beloved little Italian town and decided he needed to move to somewhere with more open space. Since he loved Bocce Ball so much, and it reminded him of bowling, he decided the best place to go would be Bowling Green, KY.
The people of Bowling Green were hostile to the newcomer. Valentine was inundated by comments like, “You need to go back to wherever you came from, you dirty Muslim!” whenever he would try to stop a man from raping his sister. Even the men’s sisters were hostile at first, because they would shout, “Mind your own business, you dirty Muslim!” Valentine’s defense that he was actually Roman Catholic fell on deaf ears.
The St. Valentine’s Day Bowling Green Massacre
One day, walking down the street to his job as a pinsetter, Valentine heard cries from a woman yelling for help. He was hesitant, since every other time he had tried to intervene in a rape he had been told off by both the victim, and her brother, but her cries sounded so sincere that he ran to her aid.
She and Valentine successfully fought off her brother. As he helped the young woman to her feet, she embraced him in a hug of gratitude. Unfortunately for Valentine, Kellyanne Conway just happened to be walking by at the time, and in a fit of rage over an obvious Muslim hugging a white woman, she reached into her purse and pulled out an AR-15, shooting Valentine, the woman, the rapist brother on the ground, fourteen innocent bystanders, a poodle, and conveniently for her boss, Michael Flynn.
After police searched the pockets of Valentine, they found this letter to a woman in Italy in his pocket.
I am coming home. America is not what it used to be. The people here are crazy, uneducated, and revel in their ignorance. I long to hold you once more in my arms. I love you so very much, and though I was going to send for you once established here, it is clear to me that we could lead a far better life back home, or anywhere else, really.
I guess I’ll just have to tell everyone in Italy first that I discovered the cure for every cancer ever.
Tips to make this the best St. Valentine’s Day ever
- Educate yourself
- Be kind
- Don’t just do it today
- Enjoy life
- Tell people how you feel
- Turn off the television
- Check sources
Well, dear reader(s), I wish all of you a great and happy St. Valentine’s Day. Remember that anything else you hear about this day is fake news, and my version of this story is to keep the country safe and shall not be questioned.