Real Resolutions

Happy New Year, dear reader(s)!

I have mentioned before that I’m not a huge fan of making New Year’s Resolutions.  I don’t have a making New Year’s Resolutions jersey or foam finger.   But what I do have are a particular set of skills.   Oh no, wait.  Wrong line.

But since I’m feeling particularly well and would like to keep feeling this way in particular, I’ve decided to go ahead and make a few, and share them particularly with you, for your education, entertainment, and enlightenment.

So, I present to you, in no particular order except that which I typed out, my real New Years resolutions.  Particularly real in that I may actually accomplish them.

  1. Go to the grocery store at least once this year  Done already.  I feel so accomplished!  Fuck yeah, this year is going to be great!  I am going to rock these!  I can do anything I set my mind to, provided the things I set my mind to are really easy.
  2. Write a blog post this year  Okay, I am part way finished with this!  Awesome!
  3. Sit on the couch  Wow!  I am doing great!!!!!
  4. Masturbate this year  I am not going to tell you if this has been done yet or not, but it is a near certainty this resolution won’t be an issue.
  5. Do my best not to stress about people who don’t see my full awesomeness  Um…well…I did say do my best.  So, I am!  Could my best be better?  That is none of your damn business!
  6. Meet more people  Plans already made.  So what if those people are doctors and their staff?  They are people too.  #DoctorsAndStaffArePeopleToo
  7. Smile  I have done it a few times already!  I’m ahead of my goal!
  8. Pet my cats  I’m unstoppable!
  9. Treat myself  Does a venti white mocha count toward that?  I think it does.  That’s right, I am rocking this New Year.  Dick Clark ain’t got nothing on me!
  10. Become independently wealthy, enter a happy, fulfilling long-term relationship with the woman/women of my dreams, purchase my dream home, write and publish a few bestsellers, grow B cells, improve all functions of my health, travel the world, buy a fleet of new vehicles, a private jet, all the other things I like, lead a successful, peaceful revolt restoring freedom and democracy to all, and make worldwide legalization of cannabis a reality  Fuck.  Well, 9/10 isn’t bad.

Happy New Year, everyone.  I hope it really is so far.  Mine is pretty good, but I am tired from staying up late last night, partying by sitting in front of the TV with my cats, talking to my roommates as we attempted to keep each other from drifting off before midnight.

Did you do anything fun?  Would love to hear about it!


Author: Josh Wrenn

Cancer survivor, wanna-be artist, musician, author, and all around good guy.

18 thoughts on “Real Resolutions”

  1. Two of my oldest and dearest friends came to our house for the evening and entertained us with their funny stories and juciy gossip. I baked a chicken pot pie and we drank ALAWT. It was grand 🙂
    I was a bit saddened earlier, as I went to the Starbucks to fetch my drink and apparently all that yuletide deliciousness stopped TODAY. I wish I’d known it was my last caramel brulee latte when I was drinking it. Now I’m having that same kind of feeling you get when denied break-up sex. 😦 Sad.
    BUT! I have no resolutions — alas, no jersey or foam finger — and I feel pretty damn good about it, like I make improvements as they come, with the lessons I need to be learning, and there’s no reason to grow special on one day a year when clearly the entire year has lessons to offer, like how caramel brulee lattes end January One. Also, I dropped my giant oatmeal raisin cookie on the pavement. But I shall endure.

    Liked by 3 people

  2. That is a particularly awesome list of resolutions. I think the last one is a little too long anyway. I actually read the list to an offspring because my laughing was scary to said offspring. Offspring laughed as well, not so scary. I stayed up with the youngest last night and then the television had awesome music so I danced until 1 am. It was fantastic and I didn’t have to worry about driving.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Sounds like a great New Year!
      Also, points for reading it to The Offspring song. Which one, if you don’t mind me asking.
      They’re one of my all time favorites. I’ve seen them live 4 times, once when my band opened for them.


      1. New Year’s resolution … figure something out before the Google search to prove it *done*. I call my children offspring on my blog. Offspring is also the name of a band.😂 I don’t know the songs I danced to in the wee hours of this year, but dance I did! And I believe it was #4 on your list that I questioned reading out loud after having done so, but I am realistic and am sure it will happen for all humans.

        Liked by 1 person

  3. Now this is a set of resolutions I could copy. If one can achieve them by the 5th of January… At least 9/10 of them, then it is a great success.
    There was a two day music Festival in my town and I spent a big chunk of my time there enjoying myself with a few friends. I will be sitting down and making my ‘real resolutions’ too. Thanks for the inspiration. Happy New Year.

    Liked by 1 person

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