Happy New Year, dear reader(s)!
I have mentioned before that I’m not a huge fan of making New Year’s Resolutions. I don’t have a making New Year’s Resolutions jersey or foam finger. But what I do have are a particular set of skills. Oh no, wait. Wrong line.
But since I’m feeling particularly well and would like to keep feeling this way in particular, I’ve decided to go ahead and make a few, and share them particularly with you, for your education, entertainment, and enlightenment.
So, I present to you, in no particular order except that which I typed out, my real New Years resolutions. Particularly real in that I may actually accomplish them.
- Go to the grocery store at least once this year Done already. I feel so accomplished! Fuck yeah, this year is going to be great! I am going to rock these! I can do anything I set my mind to, provided the things I set my mind to are really easy.
- Write a blog post this year Okay, I am part way finished with this! Awesome!
- Sit on the couch Wow! I am doing great!!!!!
- Masturbate this year I am not going to tell you if this has been done yet or not, but it is a near certainty this resolution won’t be an issue.
- Do my best not to stress about people who don’t see my full awesomeness Um…well…I did say do my best. So, I am! Could my best be better? That is none of your damn business!
- Meet more people Plans already made. So what if those people are doctors and their staff? They are people too. #DoctorsAndStaffArePeopleToo
- Smile I have done it a few times already! I’m ahead of my goal!
- Pet my cats I’m unstoppable!
- Treat myself Does a venti white mocha count toward that? I think it does. That’s right, I am rocking this New Year. Dick Clark ain’t got nothing on me!
- Become independently wealthy, enter a happy, fulfilling long-term relationship with the woman/women of my dreams, purchase my dream home, write and publish a few bestsellers, grow B cells, improve all functions of my health, travel the world, buy a fleet of new vehicles, a private jet, all the other things I like, lead a successful, peaceful revolt restoring freedom and democracy to all, and make worldwide legalization of cannabis a reality Fuck. Well, 9/10 isn’t bad.
Happy New Year, everyone. I hope it really is so far. Mine is pretty good, but I am tired from staying up late last night, partying by sitting in front of the TV with my cats, talking to my roommates as we attempted to keep each other from drifting off before midnight.
Did you do anything fun? Would love to hear about it!