Still Fighting

I felt it pulling at me for the last few months.  I fought, and I fought to keep it from grabbing a hold of me.  But fighting is exhausting.  And yesterday morning, I got tired of fighting, and I gave up.

It grabbed its claws into me, and pulled me down into the darkness below.  As I fell into the abyss, I thought to myself that it actually felt nice to give in.

I spent most of yesterday in bed.  My creativity is gone.  My motivation is gone.  Any energy I could attempt to scrape from my already depleted reserves is gone.  My faith in humanity is almost gone.  And worst of all, all but the faintest bit of hope is gone as well.

My medication that is supposed to be preventing the headaches, isn’t.  I am not supposed to have caffeine, and that has done nothing but taken away one of my favorite substances.  The medication is also affecting my stomach, and I do not feel it would be worth giving that medication a chance to work, given the trade-off I have to make with my stomach.

The good thing about falling into a depressive state, is that it allows you to kind of shut down and rest.  The bad thing, is that you never want to stop being shut down.

Today, that smallest bit of hope kicked back in.  I am still feeling very numb, but I have decided that I am going to do everything in my power to resist it.  As exhausted as I am, there is still plenty of fight left in me.  Maybe the fight will be lost, but I do not want to be someone who ever gave up.  As difficult as it may be for me to believe I will ever have the kind of happiness I want, I will keep fighting on the slightest chance that I will.  As hard as it is to get my hopes up, only to have them let down, I can’t imagine living without that hope.  I will keep it, and fight on.

No matter how tired I am, no matter how fed up with people I am…I have to believe that the best is yet to come.  What would be the point if my best days were behind me?

It’s hard right now.  I look around at the cruelty of people, laughing at the misfortune of others.  The people believing that as long as they have theirs, nobody else matters.  I see people who are so fickle, playing with people’s loyalties.  I see hearts broken and lives lost.  I see people who would just as soon as see someone suffer on the street, rather than give up the slightest luxury.  I see heroes taken away, and madmen filling the vacuum.

But this can’t be it, right?  There have been bad times throughout history.  The pendulum has to swing back the other way eventually, doesn’t it?

Well, that’s what I am going to be telling myself, anyway.

I hope everyone is having a better time of things than I am right now.  I hope that your hope is bigger than mine, and that pendulum reverses course sooner, rather than later.

 

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Author: Josh Wrenn

Cancer survivor, wanna-be artist, musician, author, and all around good guy.

38 thoughts on “Still Fighting”

  1. “I wish it need not have happened in my time,” said Frodo. “So do I,” said Gandalf, “and so do all who live to see such times. But that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us.”

    Liked by 5 people

      1. He’s always got something for everyone. Crawling up Mount Doom? Save the salt, we could use it on the return trip. Facing impossible odds? OK, we could die, but today is not that day.
        Hang in there, Josh. The Force is with you, and you are with the Force.

        Liked by 3 people

  2. I am very familiar with these dark days like you’re experiencing. Just focus on that tiniest ray of light coming in; it WILL get stronger and brighter. We all have hope for you, my brother. We believe in better days for you. Lean on us.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Perhaps you would like to look into natural healing methods, it seems pharmaceuticals are not helping much. Maybe start with a basic detox.. just a thought. Feel better soon Josh… I can’t imagine feeling sick all the time, wouldn’t wish it on anyone. 😦

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  4. That’s one of the worst feelings in the world. But, the fact that you don’t want to be hopeless, be helpless, be detached… means there’s still a nugget of hope in ya.

    I’m really sorry the meds don’t seem to be helping. How has decreasing the triggers gone?

    I’m here if you need to talk. I know I’m a day behind, so I’m hoping that your mood has improved.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. If I get a spare moment, I’ll read ahead… only because I’m concerned about ya. Today is not a good day for spare moments, unfortunately. :-/

        Ugh. How long have you been taking the meds that aren’t helping? & stopping all “triggers” the doctor advised you to? When are you going to see him/her again? Could I ask anymore questions? 😉

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I’m okay, no worries.
        I started on the 23rd, but didn’t stop coffee until the 24th, and cheated on the 25th. But the needs killed my stomach from the first morning after I took them… The 24th.
        My MRI is Saturday and my follow up is the 12th. I will pop in to let them know I stopped the meds on Saturday.

        Liked by 1 person

      3. Uggh. I’m sorry the meds are so awful. I think it’s really smart to stop by the doctor & tell them you’re not taking the meds.

        I hope they help you soon!!! It’s getting kind of ridiculous, & I’m not even the one experiencing it. 😦

        Liked by 1 person

      4. HAHAHA.

        I’ve been living in this world for at least 7 years. I was double-checking my medication interactions the other day & learned that they’re causing side effects I had no idea meds could cause. Including “accidental injury.” 😦

        Have you kept avoiding the triggers the doctor mentioned?

        Liked by 1 person

      5. Accidental injury? Like what? Lodging sideways in your throat? That’s an interesting side effect.
        I have the caffeine avoidance a chance. There were no changes. I’m happily drinking caffeine again. Any other ones are really unavoidable.

        Liked by 1 person

      6. You’d think, but, no. Apparently, the meds make me a klutz. I thought I was just accident-prone. Although… I managed to hurt myself a lot as a kid & I wasn’t taking it back then, so saying it might have made me a bigger klutz would be more accurate. I always wondered why I’d look at my hands & see some new cut, or why I’d still bump my hip/arm on the door frame of the room I’ve had, on & off, for 14 years.

        It sucks that it didn’t help. You gave it your best, at least. Have you spoken to your doctor about the meds?

        What is it with doctors doing follow-ups half a month after they do an important test, BTW?! That’s so frustrating. The waiting. The anxiety. The headaches. All the stuff you have to suffer until they get their butts in gear!

        Liked by 1 person

      7. To be fair, he said I’d they found anything emergent, he’d call within days.
        So the meds affect your equilibrium? I run into the same door frames, but mine is the hearing loss in my left ear.

        Liked by 1 person

      8. Is that “regular people” days, or “doctor” days? 😉

        I’m sure there’s nothing to worry about. You’re a tough cookie.

        I’ll be darned (into a smelly sweatsock) if I know. I think it’s because it has high incidences of dizziness & drowsiness. Regardless, everyone except my doctor says the dosage is too high.

        Liked by 1 person

      9. I think it’s worth a conversation with the doctor, for sure. I’m seeing him on the 10th & I’m going in there with an index card of stuff about which I wanna talk to him. He always knows I’ve got my “patient advocate” pants on when I show up with a card. LOL

        Ugggh. Doctor days are the worst. I’m sure you’re fine though – I’m sending you positive energy. 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

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