I felt it pulling at me for the last few months. I fought, and I fought to keep it from grabbing a hold of me. But fighting is exhausting. And yesterday morning, I got tired of fighting, and I gave up.
It grabbed its claws into me, and pulled me down into the darkness below. As I fell into the abyss, I thought to myself that it actually felt nice to give in.
I spent most of yesterday in bed. My creativity is gone. My motivation is gone. Any energy I could attempt to scrape from my already depleted reserves is gone. My faith in humanity is almost gone. And worst of all, all but the faintest bit of hope is gone as well.
My medication that is supposed to be preventing the headaches, isn’t. I am not supposed to have caffeine, and that has done nothing but taken away one of my favorite substances. The medication is also affecting my stomach, and I do not feel it would be worth giving that medication a chance to work, given the trade-off I have to make with my stomach.
The good thing about falling into a depressive state, is that it allows you to kind of shut down and rest. The bad thing, is that you never want to stop being shut down.
Today, that smallest bit of hope kicked back in. I am still feeling very numb, but I have decided that I am going to do everything in my power to resist it. As exhausted as I am, there is still plenty of fight left in me. Maybe the fight will be lost, but I do not want to be someone who ever gave up. As difficult as it may be for me to believe I will ever have the kind of happiness I want, I will keep fighting on the slightest chance that I will. As hard as it is to get my hopes up, only to have them let down, I can’t imagine living without that hope. I will keep it, and fight on.
No matter how tired I am, no matter how fed up with people I am…I have to believe that the best is yet to come. What would be the point if my best days were behind me?
It’s hard right now. I look around at the cruelty of people, laughing at the misfortune of others. The people believing that as long as they have theirs, nobody else matters. I see people who are so fickle, playing with people’s loyalties. I see hearts broken and lives lost. I see people who would just as soon as see someone suffer on the street, rather than give up the slightest luxury. I see heroes taken away, and madmen filling the vacuum.
But this can’t be it, right? There have been bad times throughout history. The pendulum has to swing back the other way eventually, doesn’t it?
Well, that’s what I am going to be telling myself, anyway.
I hope everyone is having a better time of things than I am right now. I hope that your hope is bigger than mine, and that pendulum reverses course sooner, rather than later.