Hello dear reader(s)!
This morning I find myself terribly missing a few people. I have friends far away who I would love to be spending time with. I’ve mentioned before how isolated I feel here, and how I think moving here was not the best decision I could have made. I won’t say I regret it, because it has been an experience and has taught me what is really important to me in a place I want to call home.
Yet, with all this missing of people and feeling isolated, I am not at all lonely.
Some of my isolation is self-imposed. I could go out more, meet people, have a bit more fun…but that would mean I would start to build relationships in a place I have no intention of staying in for very long. It would mean going out and expending energy when I would rather be resting and comfortable at home. It would mean possibly being out when a headache strikes, or when I get otherwise sick and I would rather be home. It would mean having to drive in the dark with my stupid cataracts making it hard to see when oncoming traffic’s headlights shine in my windshield.
If past experiences are any indication, I could reactivate a couple of online dating profiles and have a date within a week. I could go to plenty of Meetups and make friends if I am not looking to date. I could if I wanted to.
I hang out with my roommates a bit. Mostly just watching TV and eating dinner, but that is a decent amount of human interaction. We aren’t going out and doing all the things I might do if I were in a relationship or dating someone, but I am not about to seek out a relationship or dates just to do those things.
But if certain people were here?
There is a whole list of things that I would be so excited to do with them. I see things and think, “This friend would love this place!” Or, “Going ice skating with ____ would be like magic!” Or, “_____ loves this band and they are coming here! We should go!” Or, “I would love to take _____ to eat here because she would love it!”
That’s not being lonely, that is missing people.
Being lonely is feeling like you have nobody. Missing someone is feeling like you do not have the person/people you choose with you. I am absolutely not lonely, but I definitely miss people.
My song with Hannah was Home, by Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros. It was fitting. Whether I was in the hospital, or at my mom’s, or our own places in Reno, home was wherever I was with her. After she died, I felt homeless.
But some of my friends tried to help me feel more at home. They took me out. They welcomed me at game nights. They invited me to holiday dinners. I miss them.
I miss the people who I have mostly only known over text and online due to the physical distance between us. Even though we have not spent much time together, I know they are my people.
Lonely people are desperate to be around people. If I were lonely, I would not be alone for long. I don’t want to be around just any people. I want to be around my people.
If you’re one of my people, I miss you. Hope to see you soon.