Hello dear reader(s)!
Have you been following a blog-type-thinger who has been talking about writing a story for a few days, but keeps delaying? Oh sure, you believed him yesterday when he said he was just in a bad mood and didn’t feel like writing. But then, today, he still isn’t writing his story. Now you’re not so sure.
He claims that he doesn’t want to start the story on a Saturday because that always means lower page views, because Saturdays should be more lighthearted, and because he is in too good of a mood to really bother imagining a story.
But how could that be, when he was in a such a terrible mood yesterday?
Well, here’s what he really means when he says that.
He means what he says, you twit. Maybe instead of reading click-bait articles, you should actually ask someone what their motives are.
I am in a great mood today, dear reader(s)!
Has anything changed since yesterday? No, not really. Just my attitude.
You see, when I get down, and things become overwhelming, sometimes I just need to vent and take steps to change my attitude. I hate staying in that negative place. There are other things besides venting that I do to try to change my fucking attitude, and because I am a kind and benevolent Josh, I have decided to tell you, my dear reader(s), what they are.
So, whether you are ready or not, here is how you can change your fucking attitude, you negative fuckhole…
- Stay away from WordPress, especially as they are rolling out a new shittier Reader because it will fail to load properly as you scroll down, thus causing endless frustration as you try to read what others are posting I failed on this yesterday. I got so pissed off. I don’t subscribe to everyone via email because otherwise I would get way too many damn emails. This means I rely on the Reader to read. You know, because what the fuck else would something called a Reader be for? Mowing my motherfucking lawn? Fucking WordPress fucks. Jesus fucking Christ. (Which, for Christians, would just be Jesus masturbating, but I digress…) I wonder if they pay someone at WordPress to say, “You know, things have been running awfully smooth for too long right now, let’s fuck that up!” Which brings me to item #2…
- Vent, loudly and with profanity See item #1, and apply that to any problem. Don’t just post a sanitized version on WordPress, go outside and scream about it until the police show up.
- Exercise I am still recovering from what I believe was a nasty sinus infection that only started to move to my chest but was likely caught before it could become too severe, so exercising was off the table until today. Now I am exercising on the table. Hopefully it will hold.
- Have sex and/or masturbate Obviously I am going to put that as a step. It’s like you don’t know even know me anymore. No wonder I masturbate so much.
- Remember that not every problem and/or issue that appears at once must be solved at once There are exceptions to this. Like if you were simultaneously getting attacked by a bear and a moose, and must figure out how to disable both at the exact same time or else face getting mauled and trampled. And although I’m no statistician, I’d say there is only a 30% chance of that happening to you.
- Find something to laugh about I choose those who still support Trump, and episodes of the IT Crowd. Also, kitten videos, fail videos, and children’s tears.
- Remember that as lousy as things are going for you, someone has it far worse than you do Take sadistic joy in their pain. No, really, just try not to think that the universe is out to get you. It really isn’t. I know, because I control it now, and I have better things to do. You aren’t that special.
- Watch a funny movie It’s the holiday season. Watch a funny holiday movie. Like Elf, or A Christmas Story, or Back Door Sluts 9.
- Dance Dance like nobody is watching. So that means seductively. Naked except for your tiara. To Do They Know It’s Christmas (Feed the World).
- Make someone else smile Tell them a joke. Send them a cute message. Run them a bath. Towel dry them off with a warm towel. Pour them a glass of wine. Go down on them until they are shaking and are so exhausted that they just can’t take it anymore. If they still aren’t smiling, just tie them down, grab the corners of their mouth, and hold it in a smile until you are satisfied or they use the safe word.
For more information on changing your fucking attitude, visit your local library and take your shit out on the poor local librarian because I don’t want to hear any more of your shit, Josh.