Dear Santa,

Hello dear Santa(s)!

As you may or may not be aware, Yule is coming!  So is Christmas.  So is lots of stuff.  As I get to choose my path, this means that I am down with the Santa.  So what if he may be a combination of Odin and Saint Nicholas?  Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus.  Yes, Missouri, and Washington, and Nevada, and any other state too.  (I am aware Virginia was a person in that reference, not a state.  This was a joke.  Please do not send hate comments regarding a dumb joke saying I destroyed your childhood.  I am not the one who destroyed your childhood.  That was clearly your parents, and the education system.)

Anyway, since I have been a very good boy, and only a little naughty, for which I have already been punished and have the welts on my ass to prove it…I think that I am deserving of Christmas gifts.  I have also left out milk and cookies for the jolly dude himself, as well as carrots for Odin’s horse.

Therefore, I humbly submit my Christmas list for your consideration, which I would hope would meet with your approval, as I have met all the terms of getting gifts from Santa Claus this year; or have at least attempted to meet said terms in good faith.  I have been informed by my nonexistent attorneys that a lack of gifts received would constitute a dereliction of duty on the part of Santa Claus, and would result in a breach of contract on the part of him, his elves, and all employees and subsidiaries of North Pole Industries and would be actionable under subsection 12.A, under…wait for it…The Santa Claus.  (That’s right, I stole a pun.)

  1. I want an official Red Ryder, carbine action, two-hundred shot range model air rifle!”*  Okay, not really.  But I love *A Christmas Story and if I didn’t include that in my list, I would be derelict in my duties.
  2. Cash  The end of this year will be a little tight.  I could use a little cash.  I’m not asking for much.  Just a couple hundred…Million.
  3. Health  I have a ridiculous sore throat right now, and my nose is running like Usain Bolt.  I am still congested, despite the running.  My nose is like Forest Gump.  I would also like these damn headaches to go away.  A return of B cells would be nice, along with an end to my stomach issues.  And cataract surgery.  And better energy.  Okay, basically, I want a new body.  Except, it should look a lot like mine, because, let’s face it…I’m fucking hot.  Except maybe I could have a six-pack this time around.
  4. A trip to Ireland  And elsewhere in Europe.  And maybe relocation there if Trump is actually allowed to take office should the electoral be derelict in their duty of protecting American democracy from foreign intervention.
  5. The sudden resignation of Trump and all of his proposed administration  Because nobody wants Pence there either.  Except maybe Pence.  And the KKK.  And the Westboro Baptist Church.  And maybe his family, but probably not because they know how awful he is despite being forced to stand on stage with him and smile if they want to keep their trust funds.
  6. Beautiful
  7. A new cell phone  Because my Samsung is a POS.  The charging port constantly needs to be bent into shape.  The battery life is abysmal.  It likes to think the SIM card has been removed from time to time and requires a restart to find it.  Usually at the worst times, like when I’m in a deep and/or sexy conversation.  It also likes to think my SD card has been removed from time to time.  The only good thing about my phone, is that it isn’t a Galaxy Note 7 and has yet to explode.  Yet.  Because when I get a new phone?  I’m blowing it up.  Not in the way I blow up the phone of those I talk to a lot either.
  8. A good DSLR  Of course, this would be after my cataract surgery.  Maybe I could become a professional photographer.  I see a lot of people with good equipment go into photography, and do quite well, when their pictures kinda suck, and they place their subjects in the same lame-ass, cliché poses for things like engagement pictures and family portraits.  I think I could do well by bringing in more of an artistic flair, as well as my love for nudes and tastefully tasteless fetish scenes.  But not in family portraits, you sicko.
  9. The recognition of my greatness by all
  10. Forgiveness of all the naughtiness I plan for the coming year

What about you, dear reader(s)?  What do you want most for your holiday?  Feel free to leave your list, or maybe a link to your own list post in the comments.  If you do, be sure to share so that there is a better chance that the good ol’ Santa-type-person has a higher chance of seeing our wonderful lists.  If you fail to do so, it will be considered dereliction of duty.

 

 

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Author: Josh Wrenn

Cancer survivor, wanna-be artist, musician, author, and all around good guy.

59 thoughts on “Dear Santa,”

  1. Great list Josh! My top 5 would be:
    1. A new body with no health problems beyond the occasional cold.
    2. Something…Anything, preventing Trump from taking office!
    3. Five million dollars. Just enough to pay off mortgage, move from the horrible town I live in, and be comfortable.
    4. A year of love, hope, and prosperity, and no terror attacks. I know I said three wishes but I thought I’d throw that in also.🎅🏻

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Hmmm…

    1. An architectural marvel of a home on an island in the Caribbean. Preferably Martinique, Trinidad, or Saint Croix.

    2. Would it be greedy to want the island surrounding the new home? Um, only if it isn’t already inhabited…

    3. Free round-trip travel for visiting friends, family, acquaintances to my aforementioned new home and island.

    4. A Microsoft Surface Studio for my photo and graphics work.

    5. A magical ‘blanket of peace and love’ that renders the entire world incapable of hate and war-related activities for a period of one thousand years every time I hug it.

    Thanks Santa/Odin!

    Liked by 3 people

  3. When you say Beautiful, do you mean the perfume?
    I could always come up with a list, too. Mine would be health for a full year, like a whole year, calendar year, at least. I’ll take a pre-pregnancy stomach and a pile of money, too. Also, I always want ice cream, Fiestaware, quilts, and cotton pajamas.
    I hope you get a lil somethin-somethin, and I hope it’s not from Odin’s horse. 😉

    Liked by 2 people

  4. I’ll admit, #6 has me confused. “Beautiful” … what? Lover? World? Self? Monkey? (Sorry, “monkey” is my default for when I can’t think of anything. It’s also what I call my cat. I think it confuses him. Or maybe he just insults him because he doesn’t like to think he’s that close, genetically, to humanity.)

    Honestly, all I want (besides the million dollars & the health you mentioned; I’m totally with you there) for Hannukah is every book on my Amazon wishlist. There’s only about 1200 or so. 😀

    Liked by 1 person

      1. That’s in addition to the 100+ unread books I have on my bookshelf (+ some random number in the basement) & the 1000s of e-books I have on my external hard-drive.

        I may have a reading problem. I’m thinking about going to support group meetings at my local library. 😉

        So, #6 is a special someone’s beauty? D’awww. How cute. I think “beauty” – whatever that means – is a good addition to everyone’s list. 🙂

        I don’t want a living, breathing, monkey either. However, I love other monkey stuff. Monkey key covers (so I don’t spend 20 mins trying to figure out which is my house key in 23 degree weather), monkey stuffed animals, monkey emojis… stuff that doesn’t have rabies or Simian Immunodeficiency Virus.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. You’re forgiven this English transgression. You’re sick, after all. With how you’ve been feeling, I’m surprised your comments aren’t all “adklshfapnuGNREAOEWTN35U.”

        Monkey business should be celebrated & only quarantined for long weekends with occasional breaks for re-hydration & Chinese food. LOL 😉

        Liked by 1 person

      3. I said again. I take full responsibility for it getting stuck in my head the night I posted the comment (perhaps hoping to get it stuck in your head; I’ll never tell, though). But then you posted that video the next day! That 2nd time is totes on you.

        I had sushi the other night. Want me to describe its deliciousness in all its Asian cuisine glory? 😉 😛

        Liked by 1 person

      4. Ha! Your feeble sushi threat has no effect on me, muahahaha! I can’t have sushi. It’s forbidden. Had to talk myself into disliking it long ago. Now I’m not even tempted!
        I just checked, and there are no totes on me.

        Liked by 1 person

      5. I had non-fish sushi. But the rolls I got are an acquired taste, so you’re probably right, I probably can’t tempt you with that.

        How about… burritos? 🌯 Delicious… cheesy… guacamole-y… 😉

        They’re invisible totes. Perhaps they sneaked into a very secret place. Like your ear. XD

        Liked by 1 person

      6. Is that why I can’t hear in my left ear?!?! All this time I thought it was the chemo, anti GVHD drugs, and steroids…. Silly me!
        Non-fish rolls could work, if they weren’t prepared near fish ones.
        I’ll stuffed. Big time. Not even burritos will work!

        Liked by 1 person

      7. That’s right. I’ve totes been watching you, with totes, since long before I even knew what WP was. I’m playing “Stalking, The Long Game.” They report everything to me.

        They definitely weren’t fishy. How do you feel about peanuts & avocado?

        Well… today is a new day. How do you feel about burritos today? 😉 🌯

        Liked by 1 person

      8. Bwahahaha! How can totes watch someone? I just thought they held things.
        I do like the way, “Stalking, The Long Game” sounds. Like you could use that as a title for a guidebook for would-be stalkers. I don’t like the idea of it, however. I’m pro-not being stalked.
        I’m down with avocado. I’m down with peanuts. Together? Not really sure, but not opposed.
        I have no appetite today, so as of right now, your burrito tease still has no effect.
        I just thought of a terribly wrong joke to make but I will spare you of that so as not to encourage your stalking.

        Liked by 1 person

      9. Different kind of totes. These are early 80s totes. I’ve raised them from childhood to do my bidding. Also, they stand in for the word “totally” when I’m super lazy. Which is often. XD

        Hmm… I give full rights & ownership to you if you want to use it in a fictional story. If I were to write a non-fiction book on “Stalking: The Long Game,” it would be this: “Step 1: DON’T BE A STALKER. Step 2: Seriously, don’t be a freakin’ stalker! I’ll call the freakin’ cops!”

        I’ve had some mild experience being on the stalkee side. I’m not a fan either. But, it wasn’t serious, so I can joke about it.

        Honestly, I wasn’t sure I’d like it either. I ordered it, many moons ago, because it sounded interesting. If you ever have the opportunity (which sounds like you won’t, considering your sushi aversion), I’d recommend trying it! I’m kinda obsessed with avocado, & I like peanuts, & the combo is creamy meets crunchy… all healthy fats… nummy!

        Aww. See, now I don’t want to tease you with food temptation attempts because I’m concerned with your lack of appetite. 😦

        Ooo… but you’ve piqued my interest with this talk of “terribly wrong jokes.” If you leave it to my imagination, you might encourage my “stalking” nevertheless. It might be better to just tell me & see where the chips fall (“as they may,” as it were). 😉

        Liked by 1 person

      10. okay, well. totes m’goats.
        I have also been stalked. No fun.
        I don’t have a sushi aversion, I have doctor’s orders not to eat food at a sushi restaurant.
        My appetite returned last night. I had carnitas. They were yummy, but spicy AF.
        Okay, well the joke was because I said burrito tease. Which then made me think about what I said, you being unable to tempt me with your burrito tease. Which automatically made me think that a taco tease might be more effective. Which is a terribly wrong thing to say.

        Liked by 1 person

      11. M’totes don’t like your goats. They smell & get all fussy before sacrifice. 😛

        I don’t think anyone enjoys stalking. Unless they think “Fifty Shades of Grey” is a how-to on expressing love (& not abuse). But I’m basing that on the opinions of others, since I refused to read it because it’s an example of s***ty writing. Then, after I heard from these “others,” I refused to read it because it’s an example of abuse labeled BDSM. No way, dude. 😦

        Now I want to know this sushi story that led to doctors telling you to avoid it for the foreseeable future. See, I’m guessing food poisoning, but it could be a lot of other things. Parasites. Mercury poisoning. Severe emotional distress from the sight of fish bringing up memories of your need to eat your pet goldfish to win a $5 bet, which the person then refused to give you.

        Oo. Carnitas! Close enough to a 🌯 . I approve! 🙂

        Oh man!!! I’m so losing my touch. I usually pick up on potential for saucy innuendo better than that! I’m so disappointed in myself. But, I prefer using burritos teasing to taco teasing… although, I’m an equal opportunity tease. 😉

        Liked by 1 person

      12. My goats do fuss a little before the big day, that’s true.
        I have also not read 50 shits, but from what I understand, he freaks out and makes her feel bad for using the safe word, so .. Yeah…. Abuse.
        The sushi story isn’t so juicy. Weakened immune system means less defense against the kind of food poisoning and parasites that most people can fight off. So even in sashimi grade fish, or a kitchen that serves it (cross-contamination), it’s a no-no for me.

        Liked by 1 person

      13. & they get flatulent when they fuss!! 😳

        That’s part of what I heard (from friends in the BDSM community). Also, that the “rich hot guy” stalks the “mousy average woman,” showing up at her work & home, basically completely ignoring her boundaries. If people think that’s love, or BDSM for that matter…. ughhh. *shudders*

        Oh wow. That’s awful. OK, so sushi cannot tempt Josh. Gotcha. *makes a note*

        Liked by 1 person

      14. Ew! Flatulent goats! Yuck! They already reek!
        I didn’t know abut all the stalking, but yeah. Not love, not kinky, not romantic.
        It is awful I did love the sushi once. Ours was a brief but passionate affair. Maybe it is better that it ended when it did. *looks out the window, forlornly*

        Liked by 1 person

      15. Again, the interpretation of stalking behavior in 50 Shades of S*** is something someone told me about at some point. It could be inaccurate… but, having watched the movie previews, I think it portrayed “abuse & stalking” = “BDSM & love.”

        No matter what, your health is far more important (than delicious, delicious sushiez). Frankly, considering the places from which I order sushi, I’m surprised I haven’t become violently ill. I’m not buying sushi at the truck stop or a gas station, but it could be higher quality.

        Higher quality doesn’t deliver, though. 😀

        Liked by 1 person

      16. Wow, you really must miss sushi. Or you haven’t been to a truck stop recently. S***, I’d risk a parasite & food poisoning for just walking in most of those places & I have an overactive immune system (it hates my thyroid, apparently). LOL 😉

        Liked by 1 person

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