Hello dear Santa(s)!
As you may or may not be aware, Yule is coming! So is Christmas. So is lots of stuff. As I get to choose my path, this means that I am down with the Santa. So what if he may be a combination of Odin and Saint Nicholas? Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus. Yes, Missouri, and Washington, and Nevada, and any other state too. (I am aware Virginia was a person in that reference, not a state. This was a joke. Please do not send hate comments regarding a dumb joke saying I destroyed your childhood. I am not the one who destroyed your childhood. That was clearly your parents, and the education system.)
Anyway, since I have been a very good boy, and only a little naughty, for which I have already been punished and have the welts on my ass to prove it…I think that I am deserving of Christmas gifts. I have also left out milk and cookies for the jolly dude himself, as well as carrots for Odin’s horse.
Therefore, I humbly submit my Christmas list for your consideration, which I would hope would meet with your approval, as I have met all the terms of getting gifts from Santa Claus this year; or have at least attempted to meet said terms in good faith. I have been informed by my nonexistent attorneys that a lack of gifts received would constitute a dereliction of duty on the part of Santa Claus, and would result in a breach of contract on the part of him, his elves, and all employees and subsidiaries of North Pole Industries and would be actionable under subsection 12.A, under…wait for it…The Santa Claus. (That’s right, I stole a pun.)
- “I want an official Red Ryder, carbine action, two-hundred shot range model air rifle!”* Okay, not really. But I love *A Christmas Story and if I didn’t include that in my list, I would be derelict in my duties.
- Cash The end of this year will be a little tight. I could use a little cash. I’m not asking for much. Just a couple hundred…Million.
- Health I have a ridiculous sore throat right now, and my nose is running like Usain Bolt. I am still congested, despite the running. My nose is like Forest Gump. I would also like these damn headaches to go away. A return of B cells would be nice, along with an end to my stomach issues. And cataract surgery. And better energy. Okay, basically, I want a new body. Except, it should look a lot like mine, because, let’s face it…I’m fucking hot. Except maybe I could have a six-pack this time around.
- A trip to Ireland And elsewhere in Europe. And maybe relocation there if Trump is actually allowed to take office should the electoral be derelict in their duty of protecting American democracy from foreign intervention.
- The sudden resignation of Trump and all of his proposed administration Because nobody wants Pence there either. Except maybe Pence. And the KKK. And the Westboro Baptist Church. And maybe his family, but probably not because they know how awful he is despite being forced to stand on stage with him and smile if they want to keep their trust funds.
- A new cell phone Because my Samsung is a POS. The charging port constantly needs to be bent into shape. The battery life is abysmal. It likes to think the SIM card has been removed from time to time and requires a restart to find it. Usually at the worst times, like when I’m in a deep and/or sexy conversation. It also likes to think my SD card has been removed from time to time. The only good thing about my phone, is that it isn’t a Galaxy Note 7 and has yet to explode. Yet. Because when I get a new phone? I’m blowing it up. Not in the way I blow up the phone of those I talk to a lot either.
- A good DSLR Of course, this would be after my cataract surgery. Maybe I could become a professional photographer. I see a lot of people with good equipment go into photography, and do quite well, when their pictures kinda suck, and they place their subjects in the same lame-ass, cliché poses for things like engagement pictures and family portraits. I think I could do well by bringing in more of an artistic flair, as well as my love for nudes and tastefully tasteless fetish scenes. But not in family portraits, you sicko.
- The recognition of my greatness by all
- Forgiveness of all the naughtiness I plan for the coming year
What about you, dear reader(s)? What do you want most for your holiday? Feel free to leave your list, or maybe a link to your own list post in the comments. If you do, be sure to share so that there is a better chance that the good ol’ Santa-type-person has a higher chance of seeing our wonderful lists. If you fail to do so, it will be considered dereliction of duty.