How To Be Alone For The Holidays

Hello dear reader(s)!

As some of you may or may not know (or care), I ended a relationship yesterday.  Or rather, we both ended the relationship.  At any rate, said relationship is ended.  This means (because I am not desperate), there is a good chance I will be alone for the holidays.  The holidays can be a rough time for someone to be alone, but they don’t have to be.  You can have a great holiday season without being with a romantic partner.  Think about it… No stressing over finding that special someone the perfect gift, along with more cash to spend on yourself.

You can be alone, without being lonely.  In this step-by-step (ooh baby, I’m gonna get to you giiiiirrrrrrllll) guide, you will learn the fine art of being alone, without being lonely during the holiday season.

Note:  Some of these tips suggest relying on friends and/or family which I understand makes you not technically alone.  By alone, I am referring to being without a romantic partner.  If you do not have any friends or family, you can make up imaginary ones for a substitute.  Just remember they are imaginary, and don’t listen to them if they tell you to hurt people.  

  1. Masturbate  Let’s take care of the worst part of being alone during the holidays right off the bat, shall we?  Right off the bat was not meant to be a euphemism here, but I guess if the shoe fits…  Anyway, think of masturbation as a holiday gift you give to your genitals.  And since that gift comes from you, the risk of getting a gift that keeps on giving should be nonexistent.
  2. Go look at Christmas lights  Yes, I am Pagan, and call them Christmas lights.  Sue me.  (You won’t get anything, I’m broke.)  Looking at Christmas lights is a great way to have Christmas fun, without feeling lonely.  Even if you are with someone while looking at Christmas lights, you are usually focused on the lights and so their presence doesn’t really matter all that much.  This means it is a perfect activity for those who are alone.  Especially since many displays can be viewed from your car, and since it is at night, nobody will see you performing step 1.
  3. Decorate  Put up your own Christmas light display.  Even if it is just a little string in your bedroom.  Wrap pictures hanging on the wall as if they were gifts, and hang them back up.  String some garland around.  Place the heads of your enemies on giant spikes in your front yard as a warning to all who dare to challenge your divine leadership.  The only limits to your festive decorations are your imagination, and law enforcement.
  4. Sing Christmas Carols  Do this at around 3 in the morning.  Under your neighbor’s window.  The one who parks on the street directly behind your driveway instead of in their own driveway when they have the room.  Do it loudly, so they will definitely hear how festive you are.  Do in a low growl, and a little slower than normal.  If you think after that they still aren’t feeling sufficiently festive, bring out the bagpipes.
  5. Go to the Thursday night football game with your dad who is flying into town and got you both great tickets  What?  Just me.  Sorry, not sorry.
  6. Talk to friends  Message them.  Talk on the phone.  Text.  Let them know how happy you are that they are in your life.  Let them know that you are wishing them their best ever holiday season.  Try not to breathe heavily as you are repeating step 1 while on the phone with them.
  7. Talk to family  Do NOT perform step 1!!!  Sicko.
  8. Get yourself a present  An actual present.  Indulge yourself for once.  Do you want that pair of Doc Martens?  If you can afford it, even if you already have plenty of other shoes and so it wouldn’t be the most practical thing in the world…go for it.  Or anything else you like.  It doesn’t have to be Doc Martens.  It could be anything you desire and can obtain without throwing yourself into serious debt.  Like a blindfold.  Or nipple clamps.  Or low-temperature candles.  Or a nice under-the-mattress restraint system.  Or a sunflower.  Or all of the above to be used in interesting ways.  87-1236538067o1s9
  9. Flirt  You are now under no obligations to not be flirty.  If you want to stay single, just remember to flirt without any intention.  If you are flirting with intention to someone, don’t be a jerk and flirt with intention to others.  Flirting is scientifically proven, in a double-blind clinical trial to relieve stress, make being alone for the holidays more fun, and can lead to the possibility your next holiday season will not be spent alone, if you so choose.*  *This statement has not been evaluated by the Food And Drug Administration  
  10.   Honor the connections you do have  Maybe you aren’t really alone for the holidays.  Even if you are physically alone, maybe you are less alone than if you were spending the holidays with someone who makes you feel alone while lying right next to you.  Besides, you are never alone at the holidays, because of Santa Claus.  He sees you when you’re sleeping.  He knows when you’re awake.  He knows if you’ve been bad or good.  He prefers that you are bad.  He doesn’t want you to call the cops on him when you catch him seeing if you’re sleeping.  He really, really wants your milk and cookies.

Whether you are alone, or not, the staff (me) here at MyFridayBlog™ wish you the happiest of holidays.

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Author: Josh Wrenn

Cancer survivor, wanna-be artist, musician, author, and all around good guy.

31 thoughts on “How To Be Alone For The Holidays”

  1. Invite other singles on Christmas, you will be suprised how many are alone during the Holidays. Everybody buys a @20 gift, all goes in a big bucket and this way everybody goes home with a present. A nice collection of alcholic beverages and some snacks…and voila…you have the best Christmas ever.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I’m not alone, but step #1 never gets old. I always recommend that if you go out to eat and feel weird about it, then go to a hotel. People eat alone in hotel restaurants all the time, so you won’t feel like you’re being judged.

    Immediately after my divorce I went to upscale department stores on the day after Christmas. Sure, stores are insane on the 26th, but I got some amazing Christmas ornaments and decorations and all for 50% off. I decided I’d never sit alone in an undecorated place again.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. This post was inspiring for me. Sparks! Lotsa topics. Nice blog fodder for joeys. Thanks!
    I haven’t been alone at holidays in … 18 years. I’m happy either way. I loves me family and I loves me solitude. I did not enjoy Christmases without The Mister while he was deployed, but I think those Christmases were sad more because of how the kids missed him. When you have kids, the holidays are sorta like, well, you want them to have fabulous holidays and Daddy in Iraq doesn’t really fit.
    I don’t know what the holidays of the future will be like, but I’d think there’ll be some where I/we have an empty house. I could be wrong. I don’t know.
    Anyway, when I was alone, for like … 7 years, I’d listen to music and bake for days and days. I loved it. Sometimes people came and went. Dropped in for a bit. But only the VERY BEST people. It was utterly peaceful.
    Holidays now are busy with moments of peaceful.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Thank you for a good laugh 🙂

    I’ve been alone for the holidays the last few years. It was actually a relief after what I went through before becoming single.

    I hope you are surrounded by good people this holiday season, flirting and feeling good.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I love these (and their humor).

    Here’s one from my single days: Take yourself out! Go to a movie, go to dinner, go to do something you enjoy, even go on vacation. No reason not to enjoy those things even if you don’t have a romantic partner. And you can always take a friend if you aren’t comfortable doing them by yourself. Plus, when you’re single, you don’t have to take anyone else’s opinion into account. You get to choose where you eat AND the movie. And no one complains after it!

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I’ve been “alone” for the holidays for the past 5+ years. Frankly, I don’t think it’s that bad. But, maybe I’ve been brainwashed from years of solitude.

    Also, now I want Doc Martens. Darn it. LOL

    Liked by 2 people

      1. I didn’t realize we were keeping track of cool points. Darn it… I’m gonna have to make a spreadsheet now.

        I hope we’re grading on a “coolness curve,” because I’m a terrible test taker. LOL 😉

        Liked by 1 person

  7. I always, always, always do whatever I want to do. That includes NOT going to other peoples’ families’ houses. I know they mean well but it never fails to be awkward. I’ve moved to many states and not known a single person, and sometimes the time frame has fallen over a holiday. What I’ve learned that works best for me is lining up movies that I’ve wanted to watch and eat the food that I’ve wanted to eat that I wouldn’t otherwise the rest of the year. Sometimes I talk to people on the phone. Sometimes we open presents together on the phone. I try not to have high expectations.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I like the opening presents on the phone idea. That’s cute.
      I have had okay times with people’s families, but I have to know their family too.
      Movies and food as a treat is a good idea. I can’t stop eating bad this month. I am going to gain a ton of weight if I don’t moderate soon.

      Liked by 1 person

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