Hello dear reader(s)!
As some of you may or may not know (or care), I ended a relationship yesterday. Or rather, we both ended the relationship. At any rate, said relationship is ended. This means (because I am not desperate), there is a good chance I will be alone for the holidays. The holidays can be a rough time for someone to be alone, but they don’t have to be. You can have a great holiday season without being with a romantic partner. Think about it… No stressing over finding that special someone the perfect gift, along with more cash to spend on yourself.
You can be alone, without being lonely. In this step-by-step (ooh baby, I’m gonna get to you giiiiirrrrrrllll) guide, you will learn the fine art of being alone, without being lonely during the holiday season.
Note: Some of these tips suggest relying on friends and/or family which I understand makes you not technically alone. By alone, I am referring to being without a romantic partner. If you do not have any friends or family, you can make up imaginary ones for a substitute. Just remember they are imaginary, and don’t listen to them if they tell you to hurt people.
- Masturbate Let’s take care of the worst part of being alone during the holidays right off the bat, shall we? Right off the bat was not meant to be a euphemism here, but I guess if the shoe fits… Anyway, think of masturbation as a holiday gift you give to your genitals. And since that gift comes from you, the risk of getting a gift that keeps on giving should be nonexistent.
- Go look at Christmas lights Yes, I am Pagan, and call them Christmas lights. Sue me. (You won’t get anything, I’m broke.) Looking at Christmas lights is a great way to have Christmas fun, without feeling lonely. Even if you are with someone while looking at Christmas lights, you are usually focused on the lights and so their presence doesn’t really matter all that much. This means it is a perfect activity for those who are alone. Especially since many displays can be viewed from your car, and since it is at night, nobody will see you performing step 1.
- Decorate Put up your own Christmas light display. Even if it is just a little string in your bedroom. Wrap pictures hanging on the wall as if they were gifts, and hang them back up. String some garland around. Place the heads of your enemies on giant spikes in your front yard as a warning to all who dare to challenge your divine leadership. The only limits to your festive decorations are your imagination, and law enforcement.
- Sing Christmas Carols Do this at around 3 in the morning. Under your neighbor’s window. The one who parks on the street directly behind your driveway instead of in their own driveway when they have the room. Do it loudly, so they will definitely hear how festive you are. Do in a low growl, and a little slower than normal. If you think after that they still aren’t feeling sufficiently festive, bring out the bagpipes.
- Go to the Thursday night football game with your dad who is flying into town and got you both great tickets What? Just me. Sorry, not sorry.
- Talk to friends Message them. Talk on the phone. Text. Let them know how happy you are that they are in your life. Let them know that you are wishing them their best ever holiday season. Try not to breathe heavily as you are repeating step 1 while on the phone with them.
- Talk to family Do NOT perform step 1!!! Sicko.
- Get yourself a present An actual present. Indulge yourself for once. Do you want that pair of Doc Martens? If you can afford it, even if you already have plenty of other shoes and so it wouldn’t be the most practical thing in the world…go for it. Or anything else you like. It doesn’t have to be Doc Martens. It could be anything you desire and can obtain without throwing yourself into serious debt. Like a blindfold. Or nipple clamps. Or low-temperature candles. Or a nice under-the-mattress restraint system. Or a sunflower. Or all of the above to be used in interesting ways.
- Flirt You are now under no obligations to not be flirty. If you want to stay single, just remember to flirt without any intention. If you are flirting with intention to someone, don’t be a jerk and flirt with intention to others. Flirting is scientifically proven, in a double-blind clinical trial to relieve stress, make being alone for the holidays more fun, and can lead to the possibility your next holiday season will not be spent alone, if you so choose.* *This statement has not been evaluated by the Food And Drug Administration
- Honor the connections you do have Maybe you aren’t really alone for the holidays. Even if you are physically alone, maybe you are less alone than if you were spending the holidays with someone who makes you feel alone while lying right next to you. Besides, you are never alone at the holidays, because of Santa Claus. He sees you when you’re sleeping. He knows when you’re awake. He knows if you’ve been bad or good. He prefers that you are bad. He doesn’t want you to call the cops on him when you catch him seeing if you’re sleeping. He really, really wants your milk and cookies.
Whether you are alone, or not, the staff (me) here at MyFridayBlog™ wish you the happiest of holidays.