New Year, Same Me

Hello dear reader(s)!

Happy New Year’s Eve (or possibly New Year’s in certain parts of the world) to you!  So even though I have said numerous times that this year wasn’t the worst year I have had, it certainly doesn’t mean it was very good either.  And now that I’m here on the last day of it, I can’t help wishing it a hearty “Fuck you!”  and a “Don’t let the door hit your punk-ass on the way out!”

There are some changes I want to make in the upcoming year.  I do.  Not because it is a new calendar year, but changes I have wanted to make for a while.  Seasons generally mark change for me; the calendar only plays a roll in that it is what society operates on.  However, since our society generally marks time by that calendar, it is easy to divide that time into chapters of your life.  And truthfully, I can’t wait to close the book on this fucking chapter.

But unlike every single person who decides their lives will magically improve at the stroke of midnight, I am under no such illusions.  I understand that things take time.  I understand that in any story, what happened in the previous chapter will often affect the current one, and will occasionally make an appearance later in your story even if you thought your protagonist had left whatever it was behind.  I understand that at the core of me, I will never change.  And for most things, I am okay with that.

So here are some things I am hoping for in the upcoming year, that I will work toward.  Understanding of course, that they may not be possible, and that I may change my mind as is my right under Article V of the Fuck You, This is My Life, So I Can Change My Mind If Want To Act of 1947.

  • Build A Wall  Not around our border with our Southern neighbor, but around my personal life and feelings.  I recently had someone on my Facebook tell someone I do not communicate with about my intent (not plan) to relocate at some point in the coming year.  I really should not have even had that person as a friend, as there have been other indications that person may not be someone who is actually a friend to me.  I was intelligent enough to finally unfriend that person, but I really should have done it long before.  I have bee trying to believe the best about people for too long, and it is something I really need to stop.  I need to see people for who they really are.  Additionally, I think that I am too trusting and I am sick of getting burned.
  • Relocate  I know where I want to go.  That may not be in the cards.  I do not want to stay here.  I’ve tried to give this place a shot, but between all the meth addicts, the road ragers, the angry white man butthurt Trump voters, and the fundamentalist Chirstians, I think it is time to look at seeking asylum elsewhere.  Plus I am certain my headaches are at least partially caused by living here, and the weather is shit.  The only issue here, is that it might actually be easiest and most affordable to buy a house and stay here, than rent anywhere I want to be.
  • Pay off debts  Even the ones I know I do not owe.  Principle is not worth the zero credit score.  I need to just suck it up, and take care of it.  There are one or two instances where I still will not pay and am actually considering going to state insurance commissioners with my EOB’s so that they adjust their billing to what they are contracted with the insurance company I had, but for the most part, I will probably just pay them to get them off my report.
  • Get in a position to be able to either work, or learn a skill so I may work again later  This one may not be possible.  It isn’t entirely up to me.  It would be best if my B cell line came in, but the likelihood of that happening is pretty low.  There is a possibility that regular infusions of IVIG antibodies could allow me to head off some illnesses, but there would still be the issue that I can’t get vaccines and would still become neutropenic a little too often.  In addition, some things just make it difficult for me, like the hearing loss, the vision issues, the fact I need to drink and pee constantly because of my low kidney function, the stomach issues, the headaches, the fatigue, the required shit-ton of doctor appointments, and then there is the mental health issues.  It’s a lot of challenges, but if there is a workaround I can find, I really need to.  Nobody can live on what I bring in, even with roommates, in too many places now.  Plus, it gets fucking boring and is too isolating.  To that end, I have a shit-ton of upcoming doctor appointments, so maybe we can address enough issues that I can figure something out.
  • Meet new people  Genuinely.  I don’t want more Facbook friends.  I want more genuine friends I can go and hang out with.  Or have over to play Cards Against Humanity.  Or cook for, since buying food for one person is virtually impossible.  People who share some of my interests and have their own.  People without personalities are so 2016.
  • Fuck.  A lot  I kind of want to get over my need to have a genuine connection with someone before I have sex.  I’m not sure I can, but I want to.  I want to go whore it up.   I want to find a new basement slave.  My last one got an attitude.  I want to be one for some other lovely woman.  I want to have a few more on the side.  Enough connections.  Enough feelings.  Enough heartache.  Those things were so 2016.

I have to go get an MRI today!  What a fun New Year’s Eve!  Do you have any plans for today?  Any changes you would like to make?  Would love to hear about them.

Unbalanced

Hello dear reader(s)!

Remember that post from last night, where I was all happy?  Well, that lasted about two hours.  Now I am going to call around to therapists (something I have needed to do anyway, but have been putting off).  Of course, I could really use therapy right now.

I’m not going to get into what changed.  It’s not really important and involves other people and the effect I allowed them to have on my happiness.  I don’t blame anyone but myself for the way I’m feeling.

However, I think I need to be clear about something for future reference:  I have been through a lot.  Most people already know that, but there is more to my life than I share.  I will get to a place where I am happy again whether I am alone, or not, just like I was before.  But I will always be a sucker for feelings and connection, and unless that is a disorder that my therapist can diagnose and treat, I always probably will be.  I would think I am an idiot for believing in love like that, but I did have it before.  Because of that, if you come to me and we connect, and plans are made, and things are said, I am going to believe you.  So all I ask, for anyone who ever may be interested in me again, (should that ever happen), is that you make sure you mean it all, and plan to follow through.  Because every time I am built up to be let down, it just makes me sink lower.  And there is only so far down someone can go.

Thanks for reading.

New Balanced

Hello dear reader(s)!

So, in addition to the health stuff, being concerned for my friends, and general anxiety about my future as well as the future of humanity, I’m beginning to think those meds I was on really got my brain chemicals out of whack.  Because despite the continuing headaches, now that they’ve been out of my system for a couple of days, I feel like my usual awesome self again.

Situationally, not much has changed.   But I’m just not freaking out about it.  Things will get better.  I’ve decided.  As I will it, so mote it be.

So today, I just decided to focus on what makes me happy.  I decided that I would devote some time to doing a few things that needed to be done, and planting seeds for the future, but I decided to balance that out with what I like to do.

I finally got an oncologist appointment made.  It’s a little far out, but not too awful.  I picked up cat litter (ooooh, aaaah), I got myself a yummy lunch.  And then I read.  Then I listened to some music.  Then I messaged some friends.  Then I went back to reading.  Then I played some guitar.  Then I read again.  Then I solidified my intentions and planted the seeds for them to become reality.  Then I did a couple of tarot readings.  Then I performed a spell with the new moon the intent of which I will not reveal.  After this, I’m probably going to message friends again and play more guitar.

During the course of the day, I found out that a very cool person is attracted to me.  I had no idea.  The best part of learning that, is I have no intentions to pursue it.  I have an existing connection with someone that I want to continue building.  This person I just found out about doesn’t know that I know, so I get to just be flattered and leave it alone.  That’s an awfully nice feeling.  It’s also a nice feeling to know I was feeling better prior to learning that.  I can be certain my self opinion does not depend on the validation of others.  Still nice, however.

If you’re reading this post and thinking that this awfully lame to be posting about, well I think you don’t understand the lameness of this here blog-type-thing.  Whatever.  I do what I want.

Babble babble, I’m in a good mood and compared to the last few days it’s really a great mood so I needed to share.  I hope all of you are in a great mood too, and if you aren’t, I hope you get there soon.

 

The Truth About 2016

Hello dear reader(s)!

I bet you can’t wait for 2016 to end, can you?

Neither can I, honestly.  This hasn’t been my favorite year.  But, this year was much, much better than some other years I have had.  Of course, I am not an iconic celebrity or member of an iconic celebrity’s family, so, maybe I am a bit biased.

But let’s take a look at this objectively, shall we?

David Bowie and Alan Rickman both died of cancer.  That really sucks.  Alan Rickman, in particular is a bummer for me because I loved pretty much everything he did and he really seemed like a class act.  David Bowie’s music was important to millions, and he was known for his charitable work as well.  They were both 69.  While that is a good decade off from the average lifespan, they still had cancer.  David Bowie had reportedly previously survived 6 heart attacks.  Not bad.  Given that worldwide cancer deaths are over 8 million annually, it shouldn’t be surprising that two iconic figures lost their battle with it in their late sixties this year.  Cancer fucking sucks, but it doesn’t suck more in 2106 than any other year.

Then there is Prince.  Prince, the musical genius who wrote so many songs you probably don’t even know he had a hand in, in addition to the ones he performed himself.  Prince, the tortured artist, known for his parties and wild ways.  Sucks that he is gone.  Of course, it really shouldn’t be surprising.  It wasn’t even his partying that killed him, it was an attempt to kill pain, and the likely difficulty of doing so in a safe and legal way.  Now, while I think that the term “epidemic” is a little far-fetched here, still there were roughly 15,000 deaths due to prescription overdose in the US in 2015, so it shouldn’t be too surprising that someone famous would fall victim.  After all, Michael Jackson also died trying to control his pain (or at least rest in spite of it) back in 2009.

Many other celebrities died this year.  I’m not going to list them all.

But Carrie Fisher.  That one really saddened me.  Of course it is also sad that her mother died of a stroke right afterward, but she was 84.  Carrie Fisher’s death upset me, not just because she was a favorite character, but because she was pretty bad-ass in real life.  Her advocacy for the mentally ill, and her critique of all the fanboys who were upset that she was not as attractive at her age as she was in their wet-dream fantasy slave-girl outfit was downright awesome.

But even with her, it really isn’t so shocking if you really think about it.  She died of cardiac arrest.  In the US alone, roughly 610,000 people die of heart disease every year.  It is the leading cause of death among both men and women.  When you consider that she was a self-admitted addict, who attempted to self-medicate her bipolar disorder with cocaine, it shouldn’t be too shocking that it may have caught up with her earlier than we all would have liked.

George Michael also died of heart failure.  There are also reports of him also having a possible drug addiction, and he has admitted to using on occasion.  Did that contribute?  It doesn’t really matter.  Heart disease, like cancer, doesn’t always depend on lifestyle.  It kills a lot of people.

While the world was weeping over lost celebrities, we were handing our governments to fascists.  While people were obsessed with the lives of stars and mourning their loss, many people were mourning much more personal tragedy.  Sons, daughters, mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters, wives, husbands, girlfriends, boyfriends, friends and acquaintances died, leaving a huge hole in people’s hearts.

The UN estimates that over 400,000 people have been killed in the Syrian Civil War since 2011.  Where are the internet memes about how awful these years have been because they were needlessly killed?  But they’re not famous, and they’re not white, right?

Look, it sucks to lose your heroes.  I get it.  Like I said, I was saddened over a few of these deaths myself.  But to treat this year like some kind of curse because the celebrities from the golden age of celebrity reached a vulnerable age or had other issues does a disservice to the genuine and very real preventable losses that people endure all of the time.  It does a disservice to all of those who were more personally affected by loss this year, preventable or not.

Your childhood is not lost.  You have memories.  You have the films or music that these artists made.  They continue to live on.  Don’t let the sadness you feel that they are no longer making great art distract you from what is really happening in the world.

The biggest problem with 2016 isn’t that all of these icons died, it is that it seems to be the only thing people actually care about.  It isn’t celebrity deaths, it is the celebrity worship in and of itself.  Celebrity worship that allowed a reality show star to win the Presidency.

If your 2016 sucked for other reasons, you have my deepest and genuine sympathies.  My own 2016 was not nearly as great as I was hoping it would be at the end of last year.  I made a few mistakes, I had a few false-starts on rebuilding some sort of life.  I have had a lot of frustrations.

But I also made some strides.  I accomplished a few things.  I survived…so far.  It’s not quite over.  And I got to know people who I sincerely hope remain in my life or become closer as we move into 2017.  It sure as hell beat 2015.

If you were personally affected by loss this year, my heart is with you.

May 2017 be a better year for us all, celebrities and non-celebrities alike.

Featured Image By Dan Bennett from Seattle, USA (DSC_2046  Uploaded by X-Weinzar) [CC BY 2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0)%5D, via Wikimedia Commons

Fuck It

Hello dear reader(s)!

I’m done.  Done feeling sorry for myself.  Done feeling like I am doing something wrong.  I am who I am, and I like who I am.  Sure, I have my issues.  Who doesn’t?  But there are a lot of good things about me too.  I am generous, despite having next to nothing.  I am passionate.  I am honest with my feelings and do not play games with anyone’s emotions.  I allow myself to be vulnerable.  I don’t hold back.  I can be intense.

And not everyone likes those things about me.  But the right people will.

Yes, I can’t work.  Yes, I am not the richest, or best looking person on the planet.  I’m not 6 foot something with six-pack abs and model looks.  Yes, occasionally I get sick and can’t really do a whole lot.  I understand these things.

But I am a damn good person and I treat people right.

And if anyone doesn’t like that, fuck it.  Because I never want to change the core of who I am.

I care about other people.  It’s feels like a crime in this fucking world anymore.  Fine then, guilty as charged.  I love in the face of overwhelming hostility.  It really leaves me feeling like the odd man out.  Good.  I don’t want to fit in with these hateful fucks anyway.

I’m no longer feeling depressed, I’m feeling pissed off!

When most of the rest of the world gets mad, they respond with violence, or hate.  Not me.  I am just going to love that much harder.  I am just going to smile that much more to people who might need it.  And when someone treats me coldly, I will continue to respond with whatever warmth I can find in my heart.

For the last few days, I felt like giving up.  They were wearing me down.  But I can’t let them win.  I’m better than that.  I’m better than them.  I was feeling as though I really had nothing to live for.  But I have myself.  I have my belief that love can win out.  It is worth fighting for.

So bring it on.  Come at me, and try to destroy me.  Maybe you will succeed, though it is doubtful given what I have already survived.  But even if you do, what are you left with?  A cold world, full of hateful people, just trying to fill in the emptiness with possession after possession?  Fine, take it.  Have fun with that.  Either way, I win.

I may crack, but I can’t be broken.  I’ve been through so much, I sure as hell am not going to give up now.  So throw your hate my way.  Glare at me.  Roll your eyes at every attempt I make to reach out to you.  Laugh at me for believing that love matters.  Whisper things about me you don’t have the spine to say to my face.  It just proves my point, and reveals who you are.  Despite that, I’m still going to show you love.  Fuck it.  I win.

I Want

I want to write you a poem
Or maybe a letter
To tell you that things
Surely will get better
I want to say I won’t stop
And I don’t plan to quit
If you’re going through hell
I’ll carry you through it
Even when you are quiet
You dance in my mind
Thoughts of any other
Are left far behind
You awakened something that I
Thought long since had died
I couldn’t shut it off
Even if I tried
I want to write something perfect
But nothing will do
I want to write so you’ll know that
I want only you

Still Fighting

I felt it pulling at me for the last few months.  I fought, and I fought to keep it from grabbing a hold of me.  But fighting is exhausting.  And yesterday morning, I got tired of fighting, and I gave up.

It grabbed its claws into me, and pulled me down into the darkness below.  As I fell into the abyss, I thought to myself that it actually felt nice to give in.

I spent most of yesterday in bed.  My creativity is gone.  My motivation is gone.  Any energy I could attempt to scrape from my already depleted reserves is gone.  My faith in humanity is almost gone.  And worst of all, all but the faintest bit of hope is gone as well.

My medication that is supposed to be preventing the headaches, isn’t.  I am not supposed to have caffeine, and that has done nothing but taken away one of my favorite substances.  The medication is also affecting my stomach, and I do not feel it would be worth giving that medication a chance to work, given the trade-off I have to make with my stomach.

The good thing about falling into a depressive state, is that it allows you to kind of shut down and rest.  The bad thing, is that you never want to stop being shut down.

Today, that smallest bit of hope kicked back in.  I am still feeling very numb, but I have decided that I am going to do everything in my power to resist it.  As exhausted as I am, there is still plenty of fight left in me.  Maybe the fight will be lost, but I do not want to be someone who ever gave up.  As difficult as it may be for me to believe I will ever have the kind of happiness I want, I will keep fighting on the slightest chance that I will.  As hard as it is to get my hopes up, only to have them let down, I can’t imagine living without that hope.  I will keep it, and fight on.

No matter how tired I am, no matter how fed up with people I am…I have to believe that the best is yet to come.  What would be the point if my best days were behind me?

It’s hard right now.  I look around at the cruelty of people, laughing at the misfortune of others.  The people believing that as long as they have theirs, nobody else matters.  I see people who are so fickle, playing with people’s loyalties.  I see hearts broken and lives lost.  I see people who would just as soon as see someone suffer on the street, rather than give up the slightest luxury.  I see heroes taken away, and madmen filling the vacuum.

But this can’t be it, right?  There have been bad times throughout history.  The pendulum has to swing back the other way eventually, doesn’t it?

Well, that’s what I am going to be telling myself, anyway.

I hope everyone is having a better time of things than I am right now.  I hope that your hope is bigger than mine, and that pendulum reverses course sooner, rather than later.