Hello dear reader(s)!
First of all, I would like to apologize for not posting yesterday. I would like to, but I won’t. Wait, who am I kidding? I wouldn’t like to either. Anyway, I didn’t post yesterday because I was finally getting my room all set up from the moving. I also bought myself a new espresso machine after the last one tragically passed away during the move. It was a faithful little machine, and will be sorely missed. It is survived by a carafe, and it’s buddy the steam pitcher. My new one is red so the mourning period for the old one is hereby cancelled. I also bought a bookcase.
And while I was putting together my new bookcase, I got to thinking, and it made me realize some important things. The first, is that I do not own enough physical books. There are like 3 on the bookcase, the rest is just stuff. The second, is that I am strong, and independent, and better off.
That last statement is nothing personal against anyone I have ever been with. It isn’t saying that I prefer to be alone. It is simply saying that unless it is right, it is wrong. Looking back on failed relationships, you start to realize all the things that were not right, no matter how much you wanted them to be. And then you flog yourself in penance.
I woke up this morning with the realization that I am in a new place. A new town where nobody knows me, with a chance to completely start living my life how I want to. I answer to nobody. That really hasn’t happened in a long time. Before Hannah died, we were very free. We loved each other unconditionally, so there was no worrying about what the other person thought about our routines, or lack thereof, our need to be alone, or desire to be together. It just was, and it fit. After, I have had to tiptoe around people’s feelings. Whether it was certain people once in my life who were judging me, or my family for intruding on their space, I just simply was not able to be my own person.
Granted, I still have housemates, so there is some respect for other people that is involved, but for the first time in a long time, I am autonomous. I am treated with respect by them and as long as I am showing them the same respect, things are pretty easy. They take care not to step on my toes, and vice versa. We moved into this house together, so there is no feeling like I moved into their house, or they moved into mine. We all pay rent, and live our lives. Basically, they are like really close neighbors in that sense. Since they are also friends, the shared common areas is never a concern. So even with housemates, I am more independent than I have been in a long time. It’s a great feeling.
And yet I am still putting myself out there. Because while I love to be independent, I love to be independent with someone who is right for me. Someone who can be independent and complimentary. I am creating options and opportunities here already to meet people. I am not trying to force some romantic relationship, but am working to create the kinds of opportunities for the possibility to occur.
I fought hard for this life. No, it isn’t perfect. Yes, I get down on occasion. Not everything always goes my way. I have lost more times than I have won.
But I have gotten back up every single time I have been knocked down. I am always in the ring, instead of watching from the side. I am stronger than I give myself credit for, and I’ll be damned if a change in how I initially envisioned life here will keep me down.
I will not apologize for being who I am. I am happy with who I am. Granted, I wish that some of the cancer damage never occurred, but unless I meet a genie, wishing ain’t changing shit.
But I am exercising more again. I am eating a lot better than I ever have. Eating better and exercising more won’t heal my kidneys, or my cataracts, or my immunity, but it will help me fight off the next thing that comes my way. It will make it easier when something inevitably does happen. And, it’ll make me look better, which is always a plus.
I read something about how today was supposed to be a big energy shift for me. I truly believe that it is. Good things are already happening and I can feel the positive change in the air.
And maybe it won’t be all that great. Maybe things won’t go at all as I hope.
That’s okay, I’ll just get up and try again.
Until next time, my dear reader(s), remember that when life gives you lemons, you can do whatever the fuck you want with those lemons. They are yours now. If life doesn’t like it, it shouldn’t have given those lemons away. Fuck you, life. I have the lemons now, motherfucker.