Luna has left me. Not for some major thing I have done, but I guess I am just unworthy of her love. I feel like I am unworthy of any love since Hannah died. She was the only person who I think ever really got me, and she’s gone. I am at the point where I just don’t even know why I try. I did not fight cancer so hard to be lonely and half functional. I am not planning on killing myself, but I really wonder whether or not I still have it in me to fight if something should happen.
I do my best to stay positive, but I look around and I fucking hate this world and what feels like the vast majority of people in it. Love means fuck all in this world.
Maybe it’s me. Maybe I am the asshole, for daring to want to connect with someone. Maybe I am too annoying, or just not attractive. Maybe I’m a delusional idiot for thinking that I could be happy. I must be.
My life is shit. I hate it. It really always has been, except for a few great moments here and there.
What I really don’t get is how someone can talk about fate and souls in the context of love and then just be like, “Nope. Never mind.”
I want to hate her, but I can’t. I hate what she did. I hate how she claims to love me but is unwilling to give that love a chance. I hate the, “It’s not you, it’s me” bullshit cop out that she basically said. But I can’t hate her, because for some fucked-up reason, I really do love her.
I also can’t hate her, because I know it is me. There is obviously something about me that she can’t stand. The reality of me obviously didn’t live up to the fantasy of me in her mind. I thought I was the same person I was at distance, but apparently not.
I’m not trying to make this a pity party post. I’m very sad and I kind of hate myself right now, but I am not looking for sympathy. I’m just trying to figure out what is so wrong with me. Am I ugly? Am I stupid? Do I stink? Is it because I am disabled?
I don’t know.
I know that my heart is broken. Again.
I know that I am wondering what I am doing in this world. I know that I feel completely useless and that if I were gone tomorrow it really wouldn’t matter to anyone.
No, I’m not suicidal. I’m too chicken for that.
A friend last night told me that she wasn’t the right one for me. That should be comforting, but it seems that anyone I think is right either is not interested or is dead.
I don’t mind being alone, but I don’t want to be alone forever. I feel like that is inevitable at this point. I’m not in school, or at a job where I can meet and connect with someone. Nope, I’m thousands of miles away from anything I really know with no idea how to even meet someone or what to do next.
Any suggestions? Other than to stop whining, of course.