Stuck Between Love And Hate

Luna has left me.  Not for some major thing I have done, but I guess I am just unworthy of her love.  I feel like I am unworthy of any love since Hannah died.  She was the only person who I think ever really got me, and she’s gone.  I am at the point where I just don’t even know why I try.  I did not fight cancer so hard to be lonely and half functional.  I am not planning on killing myself, but I really wonder whether or not I still have it in me to fight if something should happen.

I do my best to stay positive, but I look around and I fucking hate this world and what feels like the vast majority of people in it.  Love means fuck all in this world.

Maybe it’s me.  Maybe I am the asshole, for daring to want to connect with someone.  Maybe I am too annoying, or just not attractive.  Maybe I’m a delusional idiot for thinking that I could be happy.  I must be.

My life is shit.  I hate it.  It really always has been, except for a few great moments here and there.

What I really don’t get is how someone can talk about fate and souls in the context of love and then just be like, “Nope.  Never mind.”

I want to hate her, but I can’t.  I hate what she did.  I hate how she claims to love me but is unwilling to give that love a chance.  I hate the, “It’s not you, it’s me” bullshit cop out that she basically said.  But I can’t hate her, because for some fucked-up reason, I really do love her.

I also can’t hate her, because I know it is me.  There is obviously something about me that she can’t stand.  The reality of me obviously didn’t live up to the fantasy of me in her mind.  I thought I was the same person I was at distance, but apparently not.

I’m not trying to make this a pity party post.  I’m very sad and I kind of hate myself right now, but I am not looking for sympathy.  I’m just trying to figure out what is so wrong with me.  Am I ugly?  Am I stupid?  Do I stink?  Is it because I am disabled?

I don’t know.

I know that my heart is broken.  Again.

I know that I am wondering what I am doing in this world.  I know that I feel completely useless and that if I were gone tomorrow it really wouldn’t matter to anyone.

No, I’m not suicidal.  I’m too chicken for that.

A friend last night told me that she wasn’t the right one for me.  That should be comforting, but it seems that anyone I think is right either is not interested or is dead.

I don’t mind being alone, but I don’t want to be alone forever.  I feel like that is inevitable at this point.  I’m not in school, or at a job where I can meet and connect with someone.  Nope, I’m thousands of miles away from anything I really know with no idea how to even meet someone or what to do next.

Any suggestions?  Other than to stop whining, of course.

 

 

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Author: Josh Wrenn

Cancer survivor, wanna-be artist, musician, author, and all around good guy.

62 thoughts on “Stuck Between Love And Hate”

  1. I’m so sorry you are going through this tough time, and it’s hard to look on the bright side…but she clearly just wasn’t the right one for you. I will say that I learned all too well that you must be happy with you and your life before you can welcome someone in to your life. Being unhappy with your life or “hating” your life only pushes people away. Life is truly a blessing. Find what makes you happy, and do more of that. Don’t rely on the presence of another human being for happiness for your happiness comes from within! Many blessings!

    Liked by 3 people

  2. Aw, sad stuff man. Rejection always takes a bite out of us, but you’ll heal, just right now it really, really suuuuuuucks. Wallow a bit, then do some expression fings, laugh at stuff, then waller s’more, and so on and so forth. Oh! Don’t forget to eat.
    (((((BIG HUGS)))))

    Liked by 2 people

  3. wow, sorry to hear josh. what really makes u an amazing person is u’r honesty and forthrightness. if she can’t see that and appreciate u for who u are, then it’s def her loss. u’r also an awesome writing who expresses his love thru every post, we all can feel that intrinsic connection, whic h is why we’ll stand by u. clearly “luna” can not relate to u’r sensitivity and vision. oh well, i’m sure she’s a lovely person but u 2 are just not meant to be.

    my 2 cents would be to keep being urself no matter what, don’t change for anyone, and shift ur perspective. u are an intelligent, caring, worthy person… keep putting out pure unconditional love and it will return to u 10 fold.
    i’m speaking from personal experience and know this to be an absolute truth, deep down most ppl think the same, but choose not to take action/ embrace love; due to fear, trauma, or rejection from past. when u shift into the energy of love: food, sex, health, mind, body, spirit is million times better. 🙂
    sounds cliche, but just live ur truth, be urself…. ur worthy damn it! now snap out of it already!! ❤

    Liked by 1 person

      1. ur not comprehending my message, which is understandable at the moment b/c ur minds not right. i said DONT CHANGE – JUST KEEP BEING UR PERFECTLY AWESOME SELF. its automatic, when u put out love that’s real, then that perfect person WILL see that and show up in ur life. i just know… ur the type of person whos never alone for long. just hang in there… u’ll see!

        Liked by 1 person

  4. Your pictures show you’re definitely not ugly. Your well written and usually witty posts show you’re not stupid. I don’t know if you stink, but I doubt it. (a little funny you were still able to toss in there.) Hang tight, my friend. Someone is out there. From experience, I learned the best way to find “the one” is to stop looking.

    Liked by 4 people

  5. I’m so sorry your heart is broken! Love is not a switch that you can just turn on & off, if it were you would not be in pain, and love wouldn’t be so sacred. That’s why you can’t hate her. My husband constantly tells me that I’m out of his league because he doesn’t think he’s attractive, he’s disabled, and overweight, & he thinks I’m beautiful, and I think he’s blind. Anyway, I digress. No, you are certainly not ugly, and if someone won’t be with you because of how you look or because you have a disability than you don’t need someone so shallow! I fell in love with my husband for many reasons, but he makes me laugh, & I’m drawn to funny, goofy, guys. He has the prettiest eyes, a great smile, and I love his beard. He is overweight, he wears leg braces, and has kidney issues, but you know what? I don’t see any of those things. I’m aware of his disabilities and I understand why he’s not always able to help me with household chores, but when I look at him I just see Neil, the romantic, funny guy I fell in love with. I think he’s handsome, but he’s not what society would call a “handsome man.” He’s not buff, he’s not fit, his jaw isn’t chiseled, etc… but I don’t care about that stuff. I’m attracted to him and that’s all that matters. My point here is while things may suck now, and I’m so very sorry you lost Hannah, please don’t give up on love. There are other women out there like me, who look beyond the physical traits, who care more about personality, a sense of humor, and intelligence, which you have!! And the looks decent wagon didn’t pass you by. Just keep being you, the right woman will come along in time!

    Liked by 2 people

  6. I wish I had some magical nugget of wisdom for you but unfortunately these kinds of setbacks usually just take time and patience. Digest, wallow (a little) and then accept and get on with it.
    The right one will come along exactly when you’re least expecting her.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Dating is so difficult these days. I have had the same problem where I’m interested in a guy, but they can’t be bothered to turn their head and notice. My friends suggest Tinder, but I’m not about that life. I also don’t go out to bars or clubs looking for a hook-up–or any sort of socialization–so I’m stuck in this weird place where I’m meeting people, but not meeting men. It doesn’t bother me so much now as it did a few years ago, but I definitely had similar insecurities. I was much heavier a few years ago than I am now, so I thought men didn’t find me attractive because I was “fat.” My interests are a bit incongruous, and after I cut my hair into a pixie I was told by several people that men don’t find short hair on a woman attractive. But honestly, everyone is different. I had to convince myself for years that I’m not the problem, but rather I was going for the wrong guys who weren’t willing to reciprocate the same attention and care that I was putting forth. People are jerks, but there are those who are very kind and understand.

    As far as meeting people, I’ve had really great luck in joining blogging communities–not necessarily to get my work noticed, but just for the opportunity to meet people from all over the world and making connections. I belong to two and the people I’ve met are so nice and helpful. While I haven’t made a love connection, it is nice to know that someone out there will listen when you need to say something. That’s comforting in a way.

    Anyway, I hope this helps in some way. It’s tough, but it will get better. I hope you have a stupendous day.

    Liked by 3 people

  8. Whoa whoa whoa… so you packed up and moved all the way there for her to be like: “nope. Never mind.” Am I understanding this correctly? Because if that’s the case it stirs a rage of hellfire in my bones, and I only know you via WordPress. I’m so sorry. You don’t have to hate her, but I’d advise from personal experience let that one go. Fate be damned, just let her go and keep her away with a ten foot pole. I know… I’m only basing this on what you’ve said about her, I don’t know the whole story etc etc etc. I am being that judgmental bitch.

    On a positive note: perhaps she wasn’t full of shit when she spoke of fate. Maybe she was the catalyst to get you there, leading you to someone better? Fate is a damn tricky bastard. I bet there are better things just around the corner. Also, there’s a link to my FB page and email on my blog if you need/want to talk about whatever right now.

    Liked by 3 people

      1. Well alright… the rage has leveled off to a mild burn since she wasn’t the only reason for the move. Still… one would think at any point if she had reservations she would have said something BEFORE you moved.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. In college I had a friend, J, who had a guy move from Paris, France, R, to be with him. When he arrived this long lasting online thing suddenly was less appealing to J for some reason. For six months R cluelessly lived in Texas while J juggled something like 3 other bf’s. Finally at the conclusion of the six months R asked J if he was serious about there relationship and if he should sell all his things and say goodbye to his family in Paris. J for whatever reason said yes. Why? I was enraged when I found out, but it was truly too late. Obviously when R completed the entire closure of his chapter in France he found out that J was not actually interested and never was. This gay Frenchman’s rage was understandably flaring, it was a great week living with him, as he was my tenant. We cried together, we were enraged together but then after a long night of cocktails, pizza, and close conversation he embraced the change for him. Redefined himself, I mean obviously if he moved across oceans for an online relationship there was something in his life back home that needed to change. He took on the US like Kerouac, explored, met all walks of life, taught at universities like Purdue. He completely reinvented himself.

        I love you friend, and though you have not moved oceans you have moved to a completely different political and societal climate. The lifestyle is much more laid back, but still with great culture. You are strong and I know telling you that is redundant because you know it, and in a week you’re going to be posting about how awesome your new life experiences are. Hannah is with you, and you experienced a love that most people will not. Now pursue something for you, rediscover your purpose. Take this change to inspire you, and show you opportunities. No you can’t get out into the workforce, but create your own opportunity for achievement. Publish a book, push a craft on etsy, become a professional Amazon reviewer, get another degree; just keep busy and aim for your own goals, and if you’re meant to love again they will find you, but if not, know that you experienced a love all your readers envy.

        Liked by 1 person

      3. Ouch, poor French person. I really like love. I want to be in it again. I miss it. I know that I had Hannah, but it was too short and she is gone. My life was so much better with her in it. I can’t go to school for the same reasons I can’t work. I might try to write a book, I don’t know. Thanks for the advice.

        Liked by 1 person

      4. There are some incredibly flexible online programs out there for school. I know my online courses held no due dates the class was just done at the pace I chose. Testing can even be done at home now through webcam proctoring.

        Liked by 1 person

  9. Honestly I would just take time processing everything. If that means whining, then so be it. There are people out there but it doesn’t sound like your heart is ready for it so in the meantime, just get the anger and sadness. I’ve been in your shoes, it hurts, it bleeds and it’s perfectly ok. It seems like there is no light at the end but it’s really hard to see it when you feel dark and sad inside anyway. So just work thorough it.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. My initial reaction was pretty much exactly what PatchworkKat already said. Rage. I’m so sorry that this happened and you’re hurting. There is someone out there for you. I’m sure of it. Hugs.

    Liked by 1 person

  11. I am so sorry,Josh. Heartbreaks suck. And the fear of being alone is something I relate to well. But the sun will shine again. That is all the hope I can offer. Stay strong, Josh.

    Liked by 1 person

  12. I have every confidence the right person will come your way, and you will experience a love that just blows away anything you’ve known before. Meantime, keep leaning on all your “dear readers” who are here for you, anytime. Keeping a good thought for you, brother.

    Liked by 1 person

  13. I know you probably don’t want sympathy, or to hear “I’m sorry,” but I sympathize & empathize with your situation. I wish I had some suggestion to make it all better right now. Unfortunately, the old, trite saying that “time heals all wounds” is partially bulls***. Time makes the wounds less apparent, but the scars remain &, sometimes, they still hurt like h***.

    My suggestion would probably be a cup of hot tea, a cuddle with a kitty, & a distraction. As for meeting people, I’m in a similar situation (disabled, no real social life aside from going to the gym, no real way of meeting new people). I have some online dating accounts, but I don’t use them. Trying them might not be a terrible idea for you, however.

    I wish you all the best. 😥

    Liked by 1 person

  14. I always enjoy listening to what you have to say, Channing. I think of you, not in a weird way. I hope you find everything you’re looking for and more. By no means are you ugly. I wish you lived closer, cause I got this friend, she goes by freebird on here!

    Like

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