Hello dear reader(s)!
For today’s post, I’d like to once again welcome resident auto travel expert and certified professional road-tripper Joshua Wrenn, GED.
Josh: Good day, Mr. Wrenn. I understand you have some advice for our dear reader(s) about going on a road trip.
Joshua: Is it a good day? Yeah, sure. Whatever.
Josh: We agreed we were going to do this. Rember?
Joshua: And you agreed I wouldn’t have to visit your mother anymore. How did that work out? I still have nightmares from Thanksgiving.
Josh: It’s just like you to keep bringing up the past. If you want any tonight, or ever again, you’ll do this post.
Hello dear reader(s)!
I am Joshua Wrenn, GED. I just took a cross-country road trip, which makes me an expert in taking road trips, because I said so. My house, my rules. As long as you’re living under my roof, you’ll do as you’re told! Don’t talk back to me! Anyway, on my road trip, I learned many things I will now share with you, absolutely free of charge. And at the end of this post, I’ll tell you how you can learn even more!
So if you’re ready, and judging by that bored look on your face, you are… Here are my tips to having a successful road trip.
- Don’t do it! Seriously, if you can fly or take a train, or anything else, do that. I had cats to bring who are very ungrateful anyway and so I really had no choice. Insolent bastards!
- Don’t take a vehicle which is bad in the wind into the planes states. Panic attacks while driving as you’re barely able to keep on the road at 65 in an 80 mph speed zone is not the recipe for successful road tripping.
- Stay on the interstate if it will take you where you want to go, no matter how much faster Google tells you another route may be. I’m looking at you, 212, you sorry excuse for a road. Fuck you and your Battle of Little Big Horn site which was actually on the easy part of that road so I take that back, but still fuck that road and whatever state it’s in for not making a proper road.
- Estimate how long it will take you, and add two days. Especially if you have any issues driving at night because Congress would rather spend your tax money on a bloated military than on paying for infrastructure like painting fucking lane markers on the road so you can…I don’t know… Not drive off it!
- Bring a cooler with fresh fruits and veggies. Otherwise you’re pretty much stuck with crappy road food, and if yours is like mine, your stomach will not be happy!
- Try not to freak out about your check engine light going on until you know it is freak out worthy. Thankfully it was nothing.
- Try to sleep at night. Easier said than done when people are getting the room next door for their sex parties. No, I don’t want to hear about much better he is than your husband, lady.
- If you have to drive, hire a driver. Maybe you could pay that person by hosting a hotel room sex party. Just not the room next to mine.
- If you have a disability, take that into account. Don’t be an idiot and try to drive across the country, then move an entire apartment into a house the next couple of days after you just went and moved a lot of your stuff around a week before. Trust me on this one. You have to accept you’re not as able as you once were, no matter how much you wish it wasn’t true. Otherwise, you will fall like I did and hurt your knee and then you’re laid up writing posts while your framily is working and you feel horrible about it and you’re probably going to get sick now and end up hospitalized, idiot.
- Invent a transporter. Who cares about the philosophical question of whether or not the disassembled you and the reassembled you is the same person? Instant travel with all your memories intact and believing you’re the same despite the possibility that you are actually, technically dead is worth it. Get on it, science.
Well, dear reader(s), I have made it home. It’s amazing. I’m very happy to be here and just hope I didn’t kill myself doing it.
Follow my helpful tips to avoid dying the next time you’re on a road trip, with the exception of number 10 where you might, but it would be totally worth it.
For more road trip tips, you can pre-order my special, exclusive, members-only guide for the low, low price of one hundred billion dollars. Operators are standing around on street corners, holding, “Will answer calls for food” signs, so call now. Or else a poor operator starves.
I hope you are all well.