Hello dear reader(s)!
I apologize for two things today, the first, is the late hour of this post, and the second, is that I am delaying the continuation of yesterday’s story, Awakening, until likely after the weekend. I am, unfortunately, in no mood to write fiction today. I am in no mood to do much of anything today.
Let me tell you about my morning.
I woke up just before 3:30 this morning because I had planned to take a small road trip in order to visit a family member and wanted to beat the Labor Day weekend traffic, and maximize my time in the place I would be driving to. I had my duffel bag packed with everything I would need for a couple of days, with the exception of the few items I needed to get ready in the morning, and then put it all in the bag just before heading out the door. I even managed to remember my phone charger.
I set out to go fill up the tank of the Beastess. The gas station was closed, I went to swipe my debit card at the machine, and it was declined. I had just received a deposit, so that was weird. So then I drove across the street to the bank and took cash out of the ATM, and noted that my balance was just fine. Then I drove back to the gas station, and put in enough cash through the bill reader thing to get close to filing up my tank without going over and losing any change. Then I drove off, toward the freeway. At the first red light, on the way, I decided to take out my phone so I could text my family member that I was on the road, and also for music reasons.
Only my phone wasn’t in my pockets.
I figured maybe my phone had fallen out and was somewhere in the Beastess, so I turned down another street and decided to look for it in a parking lot. It was not there. I checked in my duffel bag, it was not there either. I drove home, a little stressed now, but nothing too bad, in order to look for it there.
I tore apart my room in the search. I looked everywhere. I had it when I woke up, but it was nowhere to be found. I checked the rest of the house, and there was nothing. I looked in the kitchen, the bathroom, closets, everywhere. It was nowhere to be found.
I started to panic. I wondered if it fell out, in the rain, at the gas station, or the ATM, or the parking lot where I pulled over to check the Beastess. So I went back to each place. There was nothing at the gas station. It was open now, and I went inside. I asked the clerk, and he could barely understand what I was asking, then said there wasn’t any phones turned in. Then I went to the bank, and checked all around by where I had parked, and then by the ATM. Nothing. Then I drove back to the parking lot, and there was nothing. I came home again.
By this point, my roommate had woken up, and I had her call my phone as I looked again in the room. Nothing. In the rest of the house. Nothing. She offered to be a second set of eyes and drive me back to the places I had been because by that point, I was in full panic attack mode. We reached the gas station. Nothing. The ATM. Nothing. The parking lot. Nothing.
Now I am sick to my stomach, and completely freaking out. We went to the Beastess and tried calling the phone, but it was not there. I started to wonder about changing my social media accounts, about what else might be on the phone. It isn’t a particularly expensive phone, and it’s kind of a piece of shit, but I have an SD card in it with a ton of pictures.
So I basically gave up, flopped down on the couch, and then sat to think about what all I needed to do next. I had my roommate text my family member informing that person of what happened, and that my trip would either be delayed or canceled. And then just as my roommate decided to go back to bed, she said, “What pants did you have on last night?”
Well, yesterday, I was wearing a pair of shorts that I had checked already. but last night, was one of the rare times I slept in shorts instead of boxers. Because I got up part way through the night to go to the bathroom, and put on my gym shorts.
So sure enough, I go in the room, and buried in the laundry hamper, inside the pocket of my gym shorts, is my phone that I had been searching for, for over two hours.
Sounds like a happy ending, right?
Well, not quite. Because of the way I am unable to deal with stress anymore, because of the real and severe panic attack I had, I decided I did not feel comfortable driving today. Which means I had to postpone my visit and cut it short by a day. I am wiped out, my eye is twitching nonstop, and I’m just on edge and sore. I took a long nap already, and am still exhausted. In addition, my stomach is wrecked, and I have determined that stress is definitely a huge factor in all of the stomach issues I have been having recently.
My anxiety is more out of control than I like to admit. It makes me flaky, and I really hate that. I feel like I can’t commit to anything. I am sick and tired of living like this. I feel like a failure, and that I let everyone down.
I need to figure something out, and get more help to deal with this. But because I am not trying to kill myself right now, I am low priority on our overburdened and inadequate mental health system. I have insurance, but I may as well not have any by the way it is so hard to get into see someone who might be able to help me. And since I am moving soon, there is no point in even looking here.
So, long story still long, but now with a point, I will finish my story another time. Thanks for your patience.