Hello dear reader(s)!
A lot of times people ask me, “Josh, why are you talking to yourself?”
To which I reply, “You’re not my real dad!”
And they say, “I know, I’m your psychiatrist.”
Anyway, that’s beside the point. But I know what they’re really trying to ask. They want to know how come I’m so motherfucking awesome.
Well my dear reader(s), I wish I could explain it you, but unfortunately it’s far too motherfucking awesome of a story for your normal brains to comprehend. However, what I can do, is explain why nearly everyone else isn’t.
Are you ready for a rant, in convenient list form, with a cinnamon cream cheese filling? Great! Two out of three ain’t bad!
Hold onto your lame fucking hats, ’cause I’m about to drop a truth bomb on y’all motherfuckers!
- Having drinks for a limited time is definitely not awesome! I recently was informed by a friend that Pumpkin Spice Lattes were available before the official launch of the coveted drink and so I went to my local store when I ran out of white mocha at six in the morning to get one. Of course, this store was sticking to the official launch date and was not offering them. And so I ordered nothing, politely told them that is all I was there for, and went to the store to get more white mocha for my cheaper, better coffee with non-burnt beans that do not taste like roasted ass. It is BS that some stores have it, and some don’t. Why is this drink limited anyway? It’s not like it is made with actual pumpkin. Would I get them year round if Starbucks chose to offer them? Sure. But since they don’t, I just make my own coffee for most of the year and guess what Starbucks doesn’t get? My however fucking much they overcharge a day. And now, I am so pissed about it, I will stop at nothing to make them myself. Better, stronger, faster, and cheaper. But also, any motherfucking time I want. Motherfuckers.
- Still having intersections with no traffic controls once your city’s population and density has expanded by like four times what it once was, is definitely not awesome! Looking at you, Seattle. Your waste on transportation is the only sensible argument I have ever heard from a Republican. In fact, if you fixed that, and actually spent the crazy taxes you say go to transportation (while cities with much lower rates do a much better job), you could probably eliminate your opposition. But instead, you just blow that money left and right. Studying if you should set up commissions to study things and then ignoring the findings and doing what you want anyway. For one of the first times in my life, I hope voters stop approving tax increases for you. Get your shit together, because you could bury the GOP here if you’d pull your heads out of your asses and learned some mother fucking planning skills with a little contractor accountability. My friend’s 4 year-old could do better. Sure, it would be done in Lego, but that’d be cool anyway. Motherfuckers.
- Shouting for no reason is not awesome! Why are you yelling Stephen A. Smith? It’s sports. Is it because you are always logically wrong and so in order to compete with Skip or Max you need to shout over them?
You don’t debate, you annoy. How come Michael Smith of Jemele Hill don’t need to shout to make great points? (Even if they won’t hook up, which is a shame, because Dow couldn’t make better chemistry.) But, thanks for all that shouting, because it helps me wake up angry and ready to create motherfucking rants like this. Motherfucker. Also, fuck furniture commercials, motherfuckers. I am going to come down to thiose stores and yell at the associates about how I might buy that motherfucking couch either TODAY THROUGH MONDAY ONLY!!!! Motherfuckers.
- Lifestyle pushers are not awesome! I have complained in the past about some motherfucking people in the Polyamorous community trying to coerce me (and others) into motherfucking (probably) polyamory. And to be honest, it made me judge the motherfucking book of poly by those shitty motherfucking people on its cover. I have much better poly friends now, who do not try to shove it down my throat (both literally and figuratively), so I am much less anti now. Not that I am poly, but all it took was them not trying to make everyone be like them, in order to have my respect for their choice. The same can be said for religion or lack thereof, and for musical tastes, and fashion, and diet, and just about anything else in which people try to coerce others. You’re just hurting your own cause, motherfuckers.
- My stupid fucking condo association is definitely not awesome! I can’t start my motherfucking washer before 9 am, but you can so out and scrape your motherfucking shovel on the ground below my motherfucking window at 7:30? What the fuck is that all about? And how many motherfucking parking spots do you need? Seriously, motherfucker, you do not own this motherfucking building, no matter what motherfucking position you hold. You are so lucky I am not the motherfucking owner of my unit or else I would call out your motherfucking bullshit hypocrisy at every motherfucking meeting because unlike some motherfuckers, I don’t go along to get along. Motherfucker.
- Overuse of the word “motherfucker” or its various forms, is not awesome! Listen motherfucker in the mirror, I’m looking at you here. Why in the motherfucking fuck do you need to keep using that motherfucking word? Just because Samuel L. Jackson made a motherfucking career out of it, doesn’t mean you can, motherfucker.