Not Awesome

Hello dear reader(s)!

A lot of times people ask me, “Josh, why are you talking to yourself?”

To which I reply, “You’re not my real dad!”

And they say, “I know, I’m your psychiatrist.”

Anyway, that’s beside the point.  But I know what they’re really trying to ask.  They want to know how come I’m so motherfucking awesome.

Well my dear reader(s), I wish I could explain it you, but unfortunately it’s far too motherfucking awesome of a story for your normal brains to comprehend.  However, what I can do, is explain why nearly everyone else isn’t.

Are you ready for a rant, in convenient list form, with a cinnamon cream cheese filling?   Great!  Two out of three ain’t bad!

Hold onto your lame fucking hats, ’cause I’m about to drop a truth bomb on y’all motherfuckers!

  1. Having drinks for a limited time is definitely not awesome!  I recently was informed by a friend that Pumpkin Spice Lattes were available before the official launch of the coveted drink and so I went to my local store when I ran out of white mocha at six in the morning to get one.  Of course, this store was sticking to the official launch date and was not offering them.  And so I ordered nothing, politely told them that is all I was there for, and went to the store to get more white mocha for my cheaper, better coffee with non-burnt beans that do not taste like roasted ass.  It is BS that some stores have it, and some don’t.  Why is this drink limited anyway?  It’s not like it is made with actual pumpkin.  Would I get them year round if Starbucks chose to offer them?  Sure.  But since they don’t, I just make my own coffee for most of the year and guess what Starbucks doesn’t get?  My however fucking much they overcharge a day.  And now, I am so pissed about it, I will stop at nothing to make them myself.  Better, stronger, faster, and cheaper.  But also, any motherfucking time I want.  Motherfuckers.
  2. Still having intersections with no traffic controls once your city’s population and density has expanded by like four times what it once was, is definitely not awesome!  Looking at you, Seattle.  Your waste on transportation is the only sensible argument I have ever heard from a Republican.  In fact, if you fixed that, and actually spent the crazy taxes you say go to transportation (while cities with much lower rates do a much better job), you could probably eliminate your opposition.  But instead, you just blow that money left and right.  Studying if you should set up commissions to study things and then ignoring the findings and doing what you want anyway.  For one of the first times in my life, I hope voters stop approving tax increases for you.  Get your shit together, because you could bury the GOP here if you’d pull your heads out of your asses and learned some mother fucking planning skills with a little contractor accountability.  My friend’s 4 year-old could do better.  Sure, it would be done in Lego, but that’d be cool anyway.  Motherfuckers.

    2014-04-11_13-13-55_542
    Let’s allow them to put up a new building with no parking spaces without expanding public transportation and then also leave torn-up roads but claim we don’t have the money to put in motherfucking stop signs on the North end! Great motherfucking idea!
  3. Shouting for no reason is not awesome!  Why are you yelling Stephen A. Smith?  It’s sports.  Is it because you are always logically wrong and so in order to compete with Skip or Max you need to shout over them?

    You don’t debate, you annoy.  How come Michael Smith of Jemele Hill don’t need to shout to make great points?  (Even if they won’t hook up, which is a shame, because Dow couldn’t make better chemistry.)  But, thanks for all that shouting, because it helps me wake up angry and ready to create motherfucking rants like this.  Motherfucker.  Also, fuck furniture commercials, motherfuckers.  I am going to come down to thiose stores and yell at the associates about how I might buy that motherfucking couch either TODAY THROUGH MONDAY ONLY!!!!  Motherfuckers.
  4. Lifestyle pushers are not awesome!  I have complained in the past about some motherfucking people in the Polyamorous community trying to coerce me (and others) into motherfucking (probably) polyamory.  And to be honest, it made me judge the motherfucking book of poly by those shitty motherfucking people on its cover.  I have much better poly friends now, who do not try to shove it down my throat (both literally and figuratively), so I am much less anti now.  Not that I am poly, but all it took was them not trying to make everyone be like them, in order to have my respect for their choice.  The same can be said for religion or lack thereof, and for musical tastes, and fashion, and diet, and just about anything else in which people try to coerce others.  You’re just hurting your own cause, motherfuckers.
  5. My stupid fucking condo association is definitely not awesome!  I can’t start my motherfucking washer before 9 am, but you can so out and scrape your motherfucking shovel on the ground below my motherfucking window at 7:30?  What the fuck is that all about?  And how many motherfucking parking spots do you need?  Seriously, motherfucker, you do not own this motherfucking building, no matter what motherfucking position you hold.  You are so lucky I am not the motherfucking owner of my unit or else I would call out your motherfucking bullshit hypocrisy at every motherfucking meeting because unlike some motherfuckers, I don’t go along to get along.  Motherfucker.
  6. Overuse of the word “motherfucker” or its various forms, is not awesome!  Listen motherfucker in the mirror, I’m looking at you here.  Why in the motherfucking fuck do you need to keep using that motherfucking word?  Just because Samuel L. Jackson made a motherfucking career out of it, doesn’t mean you can, motherfucker.

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Author: Josh Wrenn

Cancer survivor, wanna-be artist, musician, author, and all around good guy.

27 thoughts on “Not Awesome”

  1. Is it even motherfuckin’ possible to say motherfucker to fuckmotherin’ mucho-fucko-madre-mio-much? Fuck.

    Anyway, the traffic light thing truly is BS. Even little ol’ Boise gets the blinking yellow arrow in it’s motherfucking turn lanes.

    Please don’t take offense when I say this, but here’s what I told Yelp my take was on seasonal beverages: Pumpkin-flavored beer isn’t beer and it isn’t to be trusted. Personally, I like my coffee to taste like coffee, but folks should do what please them I suppose. I do enjoy a legit pumpkin soup when it’s nice and spiced with ginger and sherry and such.

    End transmission.

    Anyway, motherfucker, rants are always appreciated. I almost blogged the shit out of a blog last night regarding the fact that out of three sandwiches we ordered last night, the motherfucking 15-year-old making them managed to screw up at least two things on each sandwich (American instead of provolone? Motherfucker, please!).

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hahaha! Yes, I like stuff in my coffee, but not motherfucking overpowering. If you motherfucking don’t, you’re entitled to that motherfucking opinion. Hahaha. Nice rant comment. I also think motherfucking American on a sub is un-Amercian.

      Like

  2. LOL, the first one. I remember it was September 1st, 2010 and I was located in Sedona…obviously. My employee and I took a road trip to see some huge fricken hole in the middle of nowhere Arizona to start off celebrations of my birthday month. Our first stop natural was SB as it once was the launch date for PSL. We were in Flagstaff, and barista behind the counter denied it to me. The sales associate accompanying me was the meekest, sweetest boy I had ever met, but suddenly the annoyance set in. His rant sounded so incredibly similar to yours, he made a huge to-do in fuss in efforts to start my bday month off just right…but alas it was no use. We did the same as you.

    But my real laughter is not the nostalgia of that whimsical period, but instead I have post coming out Monday that is going to cover the emotions your feeling right now. 😉

    And why would there be such a demand without artificial scarcity, it’s my hubby’s favorite nemesis.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Disney is the worst about it, at least in our opinion and current placement in life. My daughter is allowed to be exposed to Lion King when they feel appropriate. I know it’s silly, it’s a cartoon, they are all just things…but it can be aggravating in this I want it now free country mentality we are in.

        Liked by 1 person

  3. I’m shocked by the whole motherfucking poly thing. I’ve never had anyone in a motherfucking poly relationship try to convince me I should too. Should I take offense?

    You’ve reminded me of a girl I knew in high school who disliked saying motherfucker so much that she always said futhermucker. I don’t know what her motherfucking problem was.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’ve gotten it a lot, even from the people who I know weren’t looking to fuck me. Luckily, I know it isn’t everyone.
      I hate using different words for cussing. Like, we know what you mean, and that’s the whole issue. Not the word, motherfucker.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. All worth ranting about. Except maybe the sport one, cause I didn’t chose to watch that video at 7:42 in the morning, because these girls are chattering and if I played a video of someone shouting about sports, it might push me over the edge. Otherwise excellent ranting.
    I don’t do the punkin spice thing, but I do like the caramel brulee thingy at the holidays. It’s like dessert in a cup and I am always sad when it’s gone. I don’t think I should make it at home, because too much sugar, too many calories, but I appreciate your dedication to your punkin coffee. I appreciate that you’ve not tried to convert me to your punkin ways.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Actually, LOL, the Stephen A. Smith video is less of him shouting, and more of him being wrong.
      The caramel brulee is WAY too sweet for me. At the holidays, I like to make peppermint white mochas, or have a chegg.

      Liked by 1 person

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