Hello dear reader(s)!
If you are a regular reader of this here blog-type-thing, you probably have guessed that I think sex is pretty cool. And by pretty cool, I of course mean that I love it like I love air. I’ve mentioned before how sex is better with love than without. But do you know what is even better than that? Sex, in love, given freely and enthusiastically.
Have you ever been on the receiving end of less than enthusiastic sex?
What about sex where you are practically consumed by the lust of your partner(s)?
Which did you like better?
I’ll take getting consumed by lust everytime, thank you.
I’ve been guilty of giving less than enthusiastic sex. And I have been on the receiving end of it too. It sucks, in my humble opinion. I was married twice. You all know about Hannah. But I don’t talk much about my first wife. I have mentioned her, but I didn’t go into detail and won’t use her name. I will not trash her on this blog-type-thing, no matter how things turned out. But the one thing that I can say, is that more than once we both had sex with each other out of nothing more than feeling obligated because the other person wanted it and we were married.
And after the divorce, I swore I would never do that again. With Hannah, we actually talked about it, early on in our relationship. We were on the same page. So if something was wrong, or one of us simply wasn’t in the mood, we agreed we would go without. Sometimes we would take matters into our own hands, sometimes we would just allow the frustration to make the next experience a little more vigorous. What we would never do, is pout, or get angry, or blame each other on the surprisingly rare days (given my cancer treatment) that sex just wasn’t in the cards. And not having those hurt feelings, those feelings of coercion? Well, that just led to more desire for sex.
Because if I can’t have sex with you, or don’t want to for whatever reason, and you pout about it or attempt to make me feel bad, guess what that does to my desire for you the next time?
Consent doesn’t end because you are in a relationship. It doesn’t end at marriage. Your vows do not include marital rape and if they do, your vows are fucked up.
Now this doesn’t mean you aren’t allowed to express a little disappointment in wanting to have sex with your love and it not being in the cards. But you really shouldn’t make the other person feel guilty about it if you want sex with that person again any time soon. There are ways to show that you wish you were having sex with that person without making them feel bad about that person not being up for it that particular time. With Hannah, on the very rare times I was up for it and she was not, I would say something like, “Damn. You’re just so sexy. When you’re up for it next time? Look out!” And then I’d move on with life.
That’s just an example, and of course you should not use it word for word, but it actually accomplished three things. The first, is that it let her know I found her incredibly desirable. The second, is that it let her know that my desire for her was not tempered by the fact she wasn’t up for it that particular time for whatever reason. And the third, is that it set up asking permission to ravish her the next time she was down, and let her know that I was waiting until she let me know she was down and gave me consent.
Consent doesn’t have to be boring with “May I” and “Please?” Sometimes that fits, like after a particularly sweet moment where affection rules out over the lustful feelings. But for those lustful times? Consent doesn’t have to ruin anything. You can obtain consent without slowing desire.
“I’m about to ____ you right in your ____ until you can’t see straight!” is getting consent. It gives your partner the opportunity to say, “No, you are fucking not!” Or preferably, “Ooooooh!”
“I can’t wait to kiss those sexy lips of yours!”
“I can’t wait to kiss that beautiful _____ of yours!”
Of course, this isn’t a good way of obtaining consent from the person you just met at the grocery store. You actually have to use this thing called “good judgment” to figure out when that is appropriate. You do not want to pick up on that cute bank teller by telling her all the dirty things you are going to do to her. Trust me on this one. Security just doesn’t get that you are simply trying to obtain consent. (If you don’t know that is a joke, you should stop reading this because you obviously can’t understand everything else I have been saying.)
What gets lost on so many people, is that getting consent is a simple exercise in common sense. If someone wants you, they are going to make it better for you when they let you have them. Even in cases of consensual non-consent, with all the acting and the pretending, there is still that moment where you realize the greatest thing about it all is that they completely gave themselves to you. Gave. Consented. They allowed you to take them. (Not that I have any experience with that, or anything.) Regardless of whatever non-consent fantasy you are acting out, real rapists do not get that satisfaction.
The bottom line is that consent is fucking sexy. It leads to more sex. Coercion is not sexy, and is also very wrong.
This post has been brought to you by the letters B,D,S,and M, and the number 69.