Meetings

Hello dear reader(s)!

By a show of hands, who likes group meetings?

Okay drone base Alpha, target all the people with raised hands.  Fuck you!  You group meeting liking motherfuckers!

By group meetings, I mean things like group work meetings, and parent teacher meetings, and political caucuses.  Not things like meeting up as a group for fun.  So yeah, sorry about the rage.  You can have a meetup anytime.  But a meeting, well that’s just fucking wrong!

I HATE meetings.  Okay, actually, hate is a strong word.  I need something WAY stronger.  I fucking despise meetings!

One on one meetings, even at work, are usually fine.  But the formal scheduled group meetings?  They exist for pompous blowhards to hear themselves speak.  They are the stupidest things ever invented and whoever schedules one needs to be taken from their homes with black bags placed over their heads and waterboarded until they forget how to speak altogether, thus rendering any idea of scheduling a meeting a moot point.

Why do I hate meetings, you ask?

Well, because they take away time from doing your actual job.  They are boring.  They contain information that you could just as easily get in an email, and in an email you do not have to worry about forgetting whatever important piece of information was said that was sandwiched in the middle of bitch sessions and mission statements.

Gather ’round in your semi-circle, children.  Teacher has a little story to tell.

My last job prior to becoming disabled was as a Dispatcher for a cable company that shall not be named but rhymes with farter because their name is Charter so we shall call them farter to protect the identity of Charter.  Now, farter, as a cable company, is actually not that bad.  Over all, farter is a good company, especially when compared to Comcrap (AKA Com-ass) who can’t even maintain audio on ESPN 2 no matter how many trouble calls and box replacements you have and is also a straight-up monopoly by owning multiple pieces of the supply chain but basically bribed their way into getting their acquisition of NBC Universal through but I digress.  In fact, for the most part, I even liked my job.  I didn’t have to deal with external customers, I was damn good at it, and I even got along with a couple of people despite some people insisting that it should be like high school.  But my dispatch area was actually covered and overlapped by two different centers.  And therein lies the problem.

My center kicked ass.  We had the best stats, and a great rapport with a lot of the techs.   We didn’t have the ass-kissing style of the other center, but we got the techs’ issues fixed faster and got them onto their next jobs.  The ones who knew what was important appreciated that.  The other center was nicer than us and there were competent people too, but we were told how much more we knew the actual stuff.  Anyway, that is kind of besides the point.  The point, is that because of the split-centers, we needed to have meetings.  Half the department would leave the floor leaving the techs in a lurch and the remaining dispatchers busy as all hell while the other half from each center would go to the conference room and talk on a call between the centers whether there was anything that needed to be talked about or not.  The scheduling was the same regardless of whatever issue was affecting the department, and so if there actually was something important that had to be addressed in a meeting, there was never enough time.  And if no important issues were going on, then because the person in charge of both the meetings and the department who shall remain nameless because speaking her name is worse than talking about Voldemort was such a terrible, terrible leader…the meetings devolved into bitch fests with us complaining about fixing all their work and them complaining about how mean we were.

And forget about it if it was one of those morale booting meetings, like our two-day offsite shitfest with bad food and stupid markers and things that actually made things worse by increasing workloads.  Some outside person needed to get paid, though.

Do you know what improves morale?  Being given the time you need to meet your deadlines.  Working tools to do your job when they are proprietary and can’t be provided by you.  System updates that are only done when necessary and even slightly tested for stability.  Competent co-workers who are actually disciplined and potentially replaced after the seventeenth unprofessional outburst that has nothing to do with the FMLA the HR lady hid behind when not wanting to write someone up for throwing a hissy fit on the floor.  And of course, a leader who did not side with her home center in all matters when she had authority over both, and could, you know…lead.

Morale boosting meetings should be outlawed.  Vacation regularly got denied due to the needs of the business and they pull half the floor off the phones to hold hands and sing fucking Kumbaya?  I don’t think so.  Boost my morale by giving me my motherfucking two weeks, blowhards!

So, if you are someone with authority at your place of business, ask yourself these important questions:

  1. Can whatever I am trying to convey be effectively conveyed without a meeting?
  2. If a meeting is necessary, can I limit the number of attendees so that I do not interrupt the regular day-to-day business that needs to occur.  
  3. Will I effectively lead the meeting?  
  4. Is this an opportunity for actual discussion, or should I re-ask question #1?
  5. Is this a meeting to boost morale, and if so, am I willing to subject myself to a slow and painful death as my traumatized family is made to watch for my great offense against all that is good?  

These tips should help you determine whether or not scheduling a meeting is a good idea.  Remember if you don’t know, send a motherfucking email you technology illiterate fucking moron.

Also, fuck you, she who shall not be named.  Take your low-hanging fruit and shove it up your fucking ass.

Featured image of these fake-ass smiley motherfuckers courtesy FreeStockPhotos.name

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Author: Josh Wrenn

Cancer survivor, wanna-be artist, musician, author, and all around good guy.

34 thoughts on “Meetings”

  1. Looking at that first picture, I murdered every fucking one of them with my eye lasers. I truly believe that they actually died in real life, even though they may have simply put on suits and posed for that picture. Serves them right.

    On a slightly more relevant note, bureaucracy sucks the big one. Things like meetings, arbitrary changes in policy, even most at-work policies, suck the big one. My wife is made to attend a crazy number of meetings, all of which detract from the work she can be doing. In fact, sometimes meetings are held on why not even quotas are being met… yeah. Anyway, will it change anytime soon? Probably not. Why? My guess is the nature of those in power. They’re either there to get shit done, or gloat about their title, power, privileges, money, etc. in a semi-subtle fashion.

    When’s that revolution coming? Let’s make sure these guys are the first up against the wall!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. YEEESSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ugh, my work even has meetings to discuss what topics will be covered in another meeting! I agree, why can’t that all be put into an email? I wish I had taken a picture of my desk calendar last month! Every single week I had at least 2 meetings, some lasting 4 hours long!! That’s half my day, yet they still expect me to write grants, pull reports, enter data, and train my staff on the new software & not have overtime! Yeah, don’t think so, I’m only one person!! Drives. Me. Crazy!!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. When I was working, I had a love-hate relationship with meetings. On the one hand they were boring and unproductive. On the other hand they gave me a break from my regular tasks. Sure I’d fall behind, but I would have never have taken a break otherwise.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Yikes Already! I have attended a few meetings in my time. Some were roundtable discussions, while other were Powerpoint types. Then there are the boring ones. OK! I don’t like meeting all that well, unless they have a true purpose. I don’t want to be read to, that’s for sure. Many meetings I think, have to be scheduled to meet some “meeting quota.” Since I have most always worked for myself, I haven’t attended too many meetings at a workplace. I have conducted many Toastmasters meetings however. They were not boring, ’cause I’m not boring. We learned together, and then got back to the the job of sharing with others who needed the information culled from the meeting. In today’s day and age, a meeting can be conducted online. That way, it can also be recorded for the people who’d rather be on the job as opposed to sitting, trying not to stare at the clock, or their phone, or other people in the room who they don’t much care to be in the room with, much less the meeting. Meeting are OK if they have a purpose, a goal, an end point.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. My old employers loved a conference call. It was a total waste of time, usually pulling a member of the management team off the shop floor for in some cases an hour, just to listen to waffle that could have been sent over an email. It was pointless.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Amen!
    My manager is someone who loves to hear his own voice and if he started to say something you cannot interrupt at all. He would go on as if we haven’t spoken at all and listening to his paragraph (that is how he speaks. no small sentences for him, ever) I eventually forget what I was supposed to say because I am still trying to comprehend what he just said 🙄 For a time critical job they would have meeting in the morning (India time) and then meeting in the evening (US morning time) and 4 hours in between including lunch break to fix something which isn’t enough most of the time. Meetings suck.
    Thankfully in my decade-long posting in this job I managed to escape that group 2 day outing thing twice. Small mercies.

    Liked by 1 person

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