Hello dear reader(s)!
By a show of hands, who likes group meetings?
Okay drone base Alpha, target all the people with raised hands. Fuck you! You group meeting liking motherfuckers!
By group meetings, I mean things like group work meetings, and parent teacher meetings, and political caucuses. Not things like meeting up as a group for fun. So yeah, sorry about the rage. You can have a meetup anytime. But a meeting, well that’s just fucking wrong!
I HATE meetings. Okay, actually, hate is a strong word. I need something WAY stronger. I fucking despise meetings!
One on one meetings, even at work, are usually fine. But the formal scheduled group meetings? They exist for pompous blowhards to hear themselves speak. They are the stupidest things ever invented and whoever schedules one needs to be taken from their homes with black bags placed over their heads and waterboarded until they forget how to speak altogether, thus rendering any idea of scheduling a meeting a moot point.
Why do I hate meetings, you ask?
Well, because they take away time from doing your actual job. They are boring. They contain information that you could just as easily get in an email, and in an email you do not have to worry about forgetting whatever important piece of information was said that was sandwiched in the middle of bitch sessions and mission statements.
Gather ’round in your semi-circle, children. Teacher has a little story to tell.
My last job prior to becoming disabled was as a Dispatcher for a cable company that shall not be named but rhymes with farter because their name is Charter so we shall call them farter to protect the identity of Charter. Now, farter, as a cable company, is actually not that bad. Over all, farter is a good company, especially when compared to Comcrap (AKA Com-ass) who can’t even maintain audio on ESPN 2 no matter how many trouble calls and box replacements you have and is also a straight-up monopoly by owning multiple pieces of the supply chain but basically bribed their way into getting their acquisition of NBC Universal through but I digress. In fact, for the most part, I even liked my job. I didn’t have to deal with external customers, I was damn good at it, and I even got along with a couple of people despite some people insisting that it should be like high school. But my dispatch area was actually covered and overlapped by two different centers. And therein lies the problem.
My center kicked ass. We had the best stats, and a great rapport with a lot of the techs. We didn’t have the ass-kissing style of the other center, but we got the techs’ issues fixed faster and got them onto their next jobs. The ones who knew what was important appreciated that. The other center was nicer than us and there were competent people too, but we were told how much more we knew the actual stuff. Anyway, that is kind of besides the point. The point, is that because of the split-centers, we needed to have meetings. Half the department would leave the floor leaving the techs in a lurch and the remaining dispatchers busy as all hell while the other half from each center would go to the conference room and talk on a call between the centers whether there was anything that needed to be talked about or not. The scheduling was the same regardless of whatever issue was affecting the department, and so if there actually was something important that had to be addressed in a meeting, there was never enough time. And if no important issues were going on, then because the person in charge of both the meetings and the department who shall remain nameless because speaking her name is worse than talking about Voldemort was such a terrible, terrible leader…the meetings devolved into bitch fests with us complaining about fixing all their work and them complaining about how mean we were.
And forget about it if it was one of those morale booting meetings, like our two-day offsite shitfest with bad food and stupid markers and things that actually made things worse by increasing workloads. Some outside person needed to get paid, though.
Do you know what improves morale? Being given the time you need to meet your deadlines. Working tools to do your job when they are proprietary and can’t be provided by you. System updates that are only done when necessary and even slightly tested for stability. Competent co-workers who are actually disciplined and potentially replaced after the seventeenth unprofessional outburst that has nothing to do with the FMLA the HR lady hid behind when not wanting to write someone up for throwing a hissy fit on the floor. And of course, a leader who did not side with her home center in all matters when she had authority over both, and could, you know…lead.
Morale boosting meetings should be outlawed. Vacation regularly got denied due to the needs of the business and they pull half the floor off the phones to hold hands and sing fucking Kumbaya? I don’t think so. Boost my morale by giving me my motherfucking two weeks, blowhards!
So, if you are someone with authority at your place of business, ask yourself these important questions:
- Can whatever I am trying to convey be effectively conveyed without a meeting?
- If a meeting is necessary, can I limit the number of attendees so that I do not interrupt the regular day-to-day business that needs to occur.
- Will I effectively lead the meeting?
- Is this an opportunity for actual discussion, or should I re-ask question #1?
- Is this a meeting to boost morale, and if so, am I willing to subject myself to a slow and painful death as my traumatized family is made to watch for my great offense against all that is good?
These tips should help you determine whether or not scheduling a meeting is a good idea. Remember if you don’t know, send a motherfucking email you technology illiterate fucking moron.
Also, fuck you, she who shall not be named. Take your low-hanging fruit and shove it up your fucking ass.
Featured image of these fake-ass smiley motherfuckers courtesy FreeStockPhotos.name