The Best Drug

Hello dear reader(s)!

As you may or may not be aware, I am a huge proponent of the legalization of cannabis.  I think it is ridiculous that something so safe and effective for so many things remains illegal.  A plant, that grows in many places naturally, should not be illegal.

Despite my pro-marijuana stance, I don’t think it is the best drug.  Not even close.  It is great for some things, but not compared to a drug that is much, much better.  What drug is that, you ask?

Coffee!!!!

Coffee is the best drug.   It does not cause behavioral problems or lead to violence and if you disagree I’ll fucking cut you.  It is deep and dark like her eyes, but unlike her eyes, it is okay to taste them.  (She has an issue with me licking her eyeballs for some reason.)

This morning, I had a white mocha.  It was delicious, because I made it myself and because it is coffee.  Coffee is one of those things that even if you have the worst coffee, it is still pretty damn great.  Like sex, or pizza.  Or all three!  Mmmm.  We’ll have to try that!

Anyway, this morning, I was met with absolutely tragic news.  My very best good friend in the wide world (not Bubba) had to go without her coffee this morning due to a broken coffee maker issue. I should point out that my friend is not the her I was referring to with the eyes I want to lick.  Not that I’m sure my friend’s eyes aren’t perfectly lickable too, but I’ll leave the eye licking between her and her husband who is also my good friend if they so choose.  It seemed the coffee maker is a little dickhead and broke, causing a lack of coffee goodness.  That coffee maker provided my coffee on my recent trip and showed no signs of crapping out.  I am asking nicely, for positive thoughts and energy for my friend until coffee once again fills her life.  If you could light a candle, it would be appreciated.

Hopefully she can get a replacement for the piece of shit coffee maker soon.  Hopefully it is less of a piece of shit.  Maybe it will be so much less of a piece of shit, that she won’t feel the need to draw a dick on it after it breaks.

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Krups (pronounced craps, apparently) 2014-2016

So until she is once again with coffee, let’s rub salt in her coffeeless wounds by examining the 10 reasons coffee is the best drug.

  1. Because I had coffee already this morning, and she didn’t. Ha ha ha ha ha ha!  Nah nah nah nah nah nah!
  2. You can drink in the darkness that envelopes your soul.  Nobody can feel deep drinking an orange crush or an apple martini.
  3. It gives people the energy to tolerate the fucking stupidity of the world without snapping and ending up on a true crime show.  Just try talking to me before my coffee verses after if you are not one of my better friends.  And good luck with that when you do.
  4. Coffee has actually been show to improve cognitive function.  And if you didn’t already know that, you obviously need to drink more.  Dumbass.
  5. Coffee can help you lose weight.  Coffee can speed up your metabolism and help you get your lazy-ass off the couch if you don’t make it into a fucking coffee flavored cake with all that shit you put into it!  (He types as he sips his second white mocha.)
  6. Coffee hella lowers your risk of type II diabetus.  Not type I.  For the last fucking time, type I has absolutely nothing to do with lifestyle or other risk factors, so quit fucking discriminating.  Even type II sufferers are more predisposed and may not be more unhealthy than you, you judgmental fucking dickhead.  I’ve seen the shit you do.  It also makes you say things like hella and fly into a rage over judgmental people who think they are oh so healthy but you know will die just like everyone else of something that someone else could have judged them for too if they were as big of assholes.  But still, if coffee can keep the type II diabetus away, then you won’t have to have Wilford Brimley images stuck in your head.
  7. Coffee can help protect your liver.  I don’t have much funny for this, for obvious reasons.  Let’s just say I wonder if things would’ve been different if she was a coffee drinker.
  8. Coffee has antioxidants.  These help prevent oxygen.  Wait?  Don’t we need to oxygen to live?   This is anti oxygen, right?  Oh my God, we’re all going to suffocate!!!!!  Buy my book now to find out how to protect yourself!  Oh, no.  I’m sorry to go all Food Babe misinformed pseudoscience on you.  It turns out, antioxidants prevent free radicals which are bad things that cause terrorism.   All radicals should not be free, if they are radical enough to hurt people.  No?  Still wrong?  Guess I need more coffee.  Oh, there.  Antioxidants help prevent cell damage, which can lead to all sorts of crap.
  9. Coffee is good for dates.  Especially in the feeling-out stage.  You can meet for coffee and talk and chat as your brain and other things are all stimulated and it can be quite sexy.  Much better than going out for tepid water.
  10. It just tastes good.  Coffee tastes like heaven.  The only things that taste better than coffee is something I shall not name as this isn’t that type of blog-type-thing, and eyeballs.  Mmmm.

What about you, my dear reader(s)?  Do you like coffee?   Why not?!?!  I’ll fucking cut you!

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Author: Josh Wrenn

Cancer survivor, wanna-be artist, musician, author, and all around good guy.

52 thoughts on “The Best Drug”

  1. So I’ve just made a mental note to never read your blog while I’m at work, because I was busting up laughing and every single one of my coworkers popped their head in my office to make sure I wasn’t on some verge of a mental breakdown! Ha ha! Anyway, you & I have some things in common! I too am an avid coffee drinker, in fact I went out on my lunch break and bought more coffee and flavored creamers for my office! One can never have too much coffee! I also am an advocate for legalizing cannabis, and I too agree that it it utterly ridiculous for something that is so good for you to be illegal!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I agree with u on every point except one… the coffee maker. The best way to make gourmet coffee is to grind it u’rself, with a turkish coffee grinder! The aroma while grinding is outta this world, and taste is so much better.
    One of the best kept secrets in the world, u’r welcome! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I don’t drink it black often, but I appreciate the taste. When I put in other things, I try not to overpower the coffee the way some corporate coffee stores that shall not be named but rhyme with Car Trucks does.

      Liked by 2 people

  3. Love coffee more than life itself. My French press keeps me from ever having to worry about a broken coffee maker. It’s comforting to know that my drug will always be there for me.

    Out of curiosity, what kind of coffee do you drink?

    Liked by 2 people

    1. If I can, I get Caffe Vita, Caffe Del Sol. But usually just stick to Seattle’s Best even though they are owned by the evil Starbucks, they have good coffee for the price. #4 is my favorite roast by them.

      Like

  4. I adore coffee for basically all the reasons you listed… Sadly, it’s turned against me recently. It takes my crazy racing thoughts from 0-100; then the panic kicks in and all those fun PTSD things happen. 😦 This is a new issue too so it’s extra sucky. I don’t want to give up my delicious treat!!

    Liked by 2 people

  5. *sigh* nope no coffee for me, one soda (or pop to the Northerners) in the morning and then I try to be good and pound water the rest of the day.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. I’ve tried many iterations of coffee and besides the occasional overpriced fappe-latte-whatthefu k-a-chino from Starbucks, I prefer a ice cold soda any day.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I am so sorry you lack basic taste. Just kidding! To each their own. I don’t think soda has the same health benefits, but I am down with the occasional soda especially with real sugar.

        Liked by 1 person

  6. She reads after having her cup of coffee early in the morning and nods yes at every single point 😉
    I can’t imagine my day if it didn’t start it with a cup of coffee (or tea).

    Liked by 1 person

      1. The only way to know for sure is to stop drinking coffee for a couple of weeks. (Blasphemy!) But I’m sure the caffeine is helping your sinuses, so I wouldn’t recommend that. And by the way, I don’t like coffee…

        Ha, you can’t cut me! The internet is too fast for you! 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

  7. Sassy and I have both broken the coffee carafe in the last few years, resulting in no coffee maker coffee. I have a French press (which I love, but tiiiiime) and of course, I do pour-overs (but tiiiiime) so it’d be best if we do not break the coffee pot. I prefer a slow death to coffee pots, like how you know they’re bein wonky and are about to break. Sudden death is NO GOOD when it comes to coffee makers.

    My husband wants a percolater, but he wants me to use it and clearly he’s out of his head thinking I want to deal with that (more pieces than the press and takes even longer) just because he thinks it’s yummy. I think sushi is yummy, but you don’t see me all, “Jake, make me sushi!”

    Also, I’m decaf most days, half-caff at most, and I wished people understood that coffee is tasty and not all about caffeine, which can cause terrible issues in the brains of some and the hearts of others.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes caffeine is necessary in my coffee, but if I couldn’t have it I would drink decaf still. Just the flavor and aroma is necessary for me. French pressed coffee is great, and if I had normal coffee more often, that is what I would do. You’re right about the time though. And French Presses are a tease because you can see it all. Ugh!!! Percolator? No thanks. I wouldn’t deal either.

      Liked by 2 people

  8. 1. My ex-husband/ex-boyfriend (it’s a long story worthy of a Jerry Springer episode) used to lick my eyeball. Mostly because it pissed me off, I think.

    2. Mocha coffee is also amazing because it includes another wonderful drug – chocolate!

    3. I don’t like coffee, unless it’s flavored coffee (like mocha). Even then, I’m not a huge fan. I prefer tea…. even though I’m not from the UK where it’s more popular. LOL

    Liked by 1 person

      1. For real with the eyeball-licking. It was one of his (many) unpleasant qualities.

        I prefer white chocolate over dark myself. No judgment there.

        Neither do I judge those who drink coffee, even though it does taste like ca-ca… or so I’m told, never having tasted dirt nor ca-ca myself. LOL 😉

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Well, no judgment of coffee drinkers, but I dislike the flavor (unless it’s masked by chocolate or other such deliciousness) & it leaves a coating on my tongue similar to other thick, disgusting coatings… which I assume ca-ca would have as well. 😉 😛

        Liked by 1 person

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