Hello dear reader(s)!
As you may or may not be aware, I am a huge proponent of the legalization of cannabis. I think it is ridiculous that something so safe and effective for so many things remains illegal. A plant, that grows in many places naturally, should not be illegal.
Despite my pro-marijuana stance, I don’t think it is the best drug. Not even close. It is great for some things, but not compared to a drug that is much, much better. What drug is that, you ask?
Coffee is the best drug. It does not cause behavioral problems or lead to violence and if you disagree I’ll fucking cut you. It is deep and dark like her eyes, but unlike her eyes, it is okay to taste them. (She has an issue with me licking her eyeballs for some reason.)
This morning, I had a white mocha. It was delicious, because I made it myself and because it is coffee. Coffee is one of those things that even if you have the worst coffee, it is still pretty damn great. Like sex, or pizza. Or all three! Mmmm. We’ll have to try that!
Anyway, this morning, I was met with absolutely tragic news. My very best good friend in the wide world (not Bubba) had to go without her coffee this morning due to a broken coffee maker issue. I should point out that my friend is not the her I was referring to with the eyes I want to lick. Not that I’m sure my friend’s eyes aren’t perfectly lickable too, but I’ll leave the eye licking between her and her husband who is also my good friend if they so choose. It seemed the coffee maker is a little dickhead and broke, causing a lack of coffee goodness. That coffee maker provided my coffee on my recent trip and showed no signs of crapping out. I am asking nicely, for positive thoughts and energy for my friend until coffee once again fills her life. If you could light a candle, it would be appreciated.
Hopefully she can get a replacement for the piece of shit coffee maker soon. Hopefully it is less of a piece of shit. Maybe it will be so much less of a piece of shit, that she won’t feel the need to draw a dick on it after it breaks.
So until she is once again with coffee, let’s rub salt in her coffeeless wounds by examining the 10 reasons coffee is the best drug.
- Because I had coffee already this morning, and she didn’t. Ha ha ha ha ha ha! Nah nah nah nah nah nah!
- You can drink in the darkness that envelopes your soul. Nobody can feel deep drinking an orange crush or an apple martini.
- It gives people the energy to tolerate the fucking stupidity of the world without snapping and ending up on a true crime show. Just try talking to me before my coffee verses after if you are not one of my better friends. And good luck with that when you do.
- Coffee has actually been show to improve cognitive function. And if you didn’t already know that, you obviously need to drink more. Dumbass.
- Coffee can help you lose weight. Coffee can speed up your metabolism and help you get your lazy-ass off the couch if you don’t make it into a fucking coffee flavored cake with all that shit you put into it! (He types as he sips his second white mocha.)
- Coffee hella lowers your risk of type II diabetus. Not type I. For the last fucking time, type I has absolutely nothing to do with lifestyle or other risk factors, so quit fucking discriminating. Even type II sufferers are more predisposed and may not be more unhealthy than you, you judgmental fucking dickhead. I’ve seen the shit you do. It also makes you say things like hella and fly into a rage over judgmental people who think they are oh so healthy but you know will die just like everyone else of something that someone else could have judged them for too if they were as big of assholes. But still, if coffee can keep the type II diabetus away, then you won’t have to have Wilford Brimley images stuck in your head.
- Coffee can help protect your liver. I don’t have much funny for this, for obvious reasons. Let’s just say I wonder if things would’ve been different if she was a coffee drinker.
- Coffee has antioxidants. These help prevent oxygen. Wait? Don’t we need to oxygen to live? This is anti oxygen, right? Oh my God, we’re all going to suffocate!!!!! Buy my book now to find out how to protect yourself! Oh, no. I’m sorry to go all Food Babe misinformed pseudoscience on you. It turns out, antioxidants prevent free radicals which are bad things that cause terrorism. All radicals should not be free, if they are radical enough to hurt people. No? Still wrong? Guess I need more coffee. Oh, there. Antioxidants help prevent cell damage, which can lead to all sorts of crap.
- Coffee is good for dates. Especially in the feeling-out stage. You can meet for coffee and talk and chat as your brain and other things are all stimulated and it can be quite sexy. Much better than going out for tepid water.
- It just tastes good. Coffee tastes like heaven. The only things that taste better than coffee is something I shall not name as this isn’t that type of blog-type-thing, and eyeballs. Mmmm.
What about you, my dear reader(s)? Do you like coffee? Why not?!?! I’ll fucking cut you!