Dudebro

Chad put on his Ed Hardy shirt and Von Dutch hat and called his buddy Thad on his iPhone 6s.

“Dude, bro!” he shouted unnecessarily into the phone.

“Duuuude,” came Thad’s reply.

“Bro, bro.  Dude.  Check this.  Dude’s like gonna partaaaay!  Tons of muffins and a shitload of Fireball, yo!  I’m fuckin’ stoked!”

“Bro?” Thad asked incredulously.

“On my left nut, dude!” Chad reassured his friend.

“Sweeeet!” Thad affirmed.

“I’ll roll the whip on over about ten.  Don’t wear that fucking lame-ass shit you had on last time and you might actually get some, son,” Chad teased his friend.

At about 9:30 that night, Chad arrived in his bright yellow Mitsubishi Evo and ran up to Thad’s door carrying a bottle of Jaeger.  He did not knock on the door and just threw it open before shouting, “Pre-party!”

Thad thanked his friend for being considerate enough to bring more alcohol prior to the party where there would be plenty more alcohol by saying, “Great idea, Bro!”

To which Chad responded, “Don’t be gay.”

The two friends drank the bottle and jumped around, laughing excitedly at the prospects of all the muffins they would encounter at the party.  Chad hadn’t gotten any since he coerced Thad’s sister into giving him head after letting her try his Spice about a month before.  Thad was on an epic dry-spell of about six months, his last time being the night he slept with Chad’s girlfriend at the time before lying to Chad claiming that she came on to him when in-fact, she was passed out.  Thad never liked her anyway and felt she was trying to take his friend from his life.  By doing what he did, he got his friend back, and finally got to fuck Amy.  Oh sure, she was hysterical when she woke up with him on top of her, but she was just a plate, and the bitch deserved it for coming between him and Chad.  But now he had his friend back, Amy was out of the picture, and they were going to a party with all kinds of muffins he could party with.  Life was good.

They hopped in the Evo and drove drunk to the massive house in the hills where the party was.  Chad said it was at an old friend of Amy’s he had always wanted to bone, but when Amy and her had a falling-out, he hadn’t seen in her a while.  Her name was Betty, but everybody called her Betty Big Boobs because she was stacked.  Chad slammed to a stop on the mailbox of the house and knew that he would have to have his dad pay to take it to the body shop for him again.  The bass was thumping loud enough to rattle the windows of the Evo, and he knew that the party would be totally epic.  They got out and walked to the massive front doors.  Betty came out in a tiny black leather miniskirt and tiny black leather boob cover holding a bag.

“What up, Betty?” Chad asked, trying not to finish saying the full name of what he called her.

“Keys in the bag,” Betty responded while holding up a cloth bag full of keys.

“I didn’t know this was a key party,” Thad joked.

“Only if you’re lucky,” Betty winked.  “Go through the house, everybody is out back by the pool.  It’s pretty wild back there,” she told the friends.

“Aren’t you coming with?” Chad asked her, trying to imply that he wanted to fuck Betty.

“I’ve got to wait for the next keg delivery, but go ahead and get started.  Don’t get too wasted though, I am going to need a little bit of you left,” she flirted.

Chad and Thad went into the house and saw the huge party through the massive glass walls in the back of the house.  It was packed with a ton of beautiful muffins and only like one or two other bros.  Some of the muffins were already topless.  They were about to be in Heaven.  As they made their way through, they approached a table full of alcohol and their beloved Fireball, along with enough Red Solo cups to stack to the moon.

“Dude, let’s get our drink on here before getting it on out there!” Chad suggested politely.

“Bro!  Fuck yeah!”  Thad responded, enthusiastically.

They filled the bottom halves of their red solo cups and drank them down.  Chad then led the way toward the massive glass doors toward the most epic party they had ever seen.

“Bro!!!!  Dude!” Thad shouted to his friend in the lead, “Is that Afrojak spinning out there?” he asked as he saw one of his favorite DJ’s of all time.

“No way!!!!!!!” Chad confirmed as he looked toward the poolside DJ booth.  He was now reaching toward the handles of the huge, glass doors when he heard Thad.

“Uh, bro?  Why is the party on your head?” Thad asked his friend.

Chad turned around and was met by the light of the projector.  His tiny little brain struggling through the alcohol to figure out what was going on.  He then saw Thad fall and hit his head.  He turned back to the handles of the glass doors but there were no handles.  He thrust his hand into the regular wall and saw the projected image of the party on his outstretched arm.  He only had a minute to panic before the effects of the poison kicked in.

Betty walked in from the front door of the house with Amy, and they dragged the bodies into the unfinished basement.

Amy looked scared and asked about the car.  Betty reassured her lover that she had driven it into the irrigation canal and nobody would even know it was missing.  Amy asked what they would do with the bodies.  Betty reassured her that the lye would take care of it and the floor would be finished over the pre-dug holes in a few days time.  All they had to do was finish shoveling them over.

“I’m sorry about our fight, my love,” Amy said as they snuggled over the new graves.  “I didn’t think I was supposed to love you.”

“It’s okay,” Betty purred in Amy’s ear.  “I’m sorry that they hurt you.  For you, and for them.”

Featured image by https://www.gta5-mods.com/vehicles/mitsubishi-lancer-evo-x

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Author: Josh Wrenn

Cancer survivor, wanna-be artist, musician, author, and all around good guy.

5 thoughts on “Dudebro”

  1. When I saw the title, I got all excited knowing I’d be entertained! Hah, and thank you for this is a delightful piece of fiction.
    Or wait, is this one of those real-life things we’re supposed to think is fiction? 😉

    PS: My daughter wore a hoodie in the rain the other day and a guy bumped into her sideways and he patted her head and said, “Sorry lil dude, my bad.” LOLOLOLOL

    Liked by 2 people

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