Heat Beating

Hello dear reader(s)!

You’re welcome.  If you live in my tone zone, or the ones around it, it is currently Friday.  I have decreed it so, and the universe has acquiesced to my will.  You may praise my name if you so desire and wish for your lands and family to be protected from my wrath.

However, it seems the universe has demanded something in exchange for me generously bestowing you all with the day of Fri.  It seems that the price people must pay is unusual heat or “RECORD-BREAKING HEAT” (Panic for ratings!!!!!!) for my area.  Now, the heat actually isn’t that hot.  In fact, I just got back from a place that made this heat look like, well, less hot than there.  But there is one major difference.  Where it was hotter, those people were intelligent enough to have these magical devices known as air conditioners.  Here, well, not so much.

As such, because I am a kind and loving Josh, I have decided to share with you, my dear reader(s), my tips on beating the shit out of the heat without conditioning the air despite the fact that not using conditioner can cause the air to have a dull and lifeless appearance, along with more fly aways.  So, without further delay with the exception of the delay it takes me to let you know that I will not delay these tips further along with the introduction of said tips and some language designed to build anticipation and get you kind of annoyed so you will just wonder why I don’t just get on with them already, for your entertainment, education, and enlightenment…I present to you…my tips for beating the heat without air conditioning!!!!  (Hold for applause.)

  1. Be naked.  Inside.  Be naked inside.  Clothes prevent proper air circulation over your sweat glands, thus blocking your body’s natural ability to cool itself.  Besides, you just look better naked.  Not you.  You.  That’s right.  Ahhhh yeah.
  2. Beat the heat, not your meat.  All this nakedness can lead to sexy feelings.  But actual sex generates heat if you do it even close to right.  Masturbation also takes a bit of effort.  Fortunately, you do not have to suffer these sexy feelings without release.  Try oral, or at least try to do it in the shower.  I’m thinking both.  That’s right.  Ahhhh yeah.
  3. Use a fan to help circulate the air.  The air will be warm, but it will still be better than no moving of the air at all.  Especially with sweat, the air will help it to evaporate, producing a cooling effect much like an air conditioner would do.  I suggest using steps 1-3 in combination.  Ahhhh yeah.
  4. Try a wet t-shit.  I know this flies in the face of tip #1, but you can still be half-naked, and the fan hitting the water of the wet t-shirt will help to produce the evaporative cooling effect much more efficiently than sweat alone.  Maybe you could make it a white t-shirt, so that when it is wet it becomes see-through.  You can do this still while adding steps 1-3.  At least half of step #1.  Ahhhh yeah.
  5. Put ice packs behind your neck.  Lie down with an ice pack behind your neck.  You could do this while engaging in steps 1-4, although maybe not in the shower, until it is your turn to reciprocate.  Ahhhh yeah.
  6. Hydrate.  This step is critical.  Take breaks from the oral to take in fluids other than those of your partner.  Ahhhh yeah.
  7. Turn off lights and other appliances.  These things generate heat and can distract you from enjoying the previous steps.  Let your hands/mouth do the seeing.  Ahhhh yeah.
  8. Close your blinds and drapes.  You do not want your neighbors to see you engaging in your heat beating.  Unless you do, in which case ask them over.  Ahhhh whatever floats your boat.
  9. Close doors to the rooms you will not be using.  This will help prevent the cooler air from being dissipated to the areas of the house you don’t need to go in.  Like the rooms that are not the bedroom or shower.  Ahhhh yeah.
  10. Turn on your bathroom and oven exhaust fans.  This will help to pull out the hot air from your house and add to the circulation of your regular fan.  Additionally, it will help mask the noise you will be making from the other steps.  Ahhhh yeah.

BONUS TIP Get your sheets wet.  Not that you will have a choice if you follow the rest of these tips.  Ahhhh yeah.

These tips should help keep you nice and cool in the heat without sacrificing your happiness.  So, what do you say?  Wanna come over and cool off?

Do you have any tips to beat the living fuck out of the heat that you would like to add?  Feel free to add to this list in the comments.  Just the tip, though.


Author: Josh Wrenn

Cancer survivor, wanna-be artist, musician, author, and all around good guy.

16 thoughts on “Heat Beating”

  1. I was relieved to have a ton of rain the past few weeks to give a slight reprieve from the overbearing heat that is Alabama. I grew up in Houston and I feel the heat of Alabama far more oppressive! But I guess after weeks of a break, I am due some suffering.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Hahaha! OMG, am I the only person who read this? Sheesh, I had to giggle and choke and snort!
    I think your tricks and tips are GRRRREAT! Ahhh, yeah, those will all help. Kinda wonder what the hell I’m doin with my life right now…but then I hear Moo and her viola and I remember. *sigh*

    I did read that putting the fan behind a bucket of ice? or in front of a bucket of ice? was a thing. I don’t know. It was 91 and 88% humidity today and we have air-conditioning, thank tacos.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you! I was wondering if anyone would think it was funny. I was starting to wonder if I should try joking ever again.
      The ice bucket is a thought. The nap was stupid. Ugh.
      Thank tacos for your AC indeed.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. As an Australian, our temps frequently hit high 30’s low 40’s (Celsius). So I have plenty of tips … just let me know if it’s humidity you need to beat, or “hot” heat.

    Liked by 2 people

      1. Fair enough! I’ve gone through both dry heat and humidity, so ever need tips let me know. Aussies know how to survive the heat. We’re used to it. If the temp drops below 20c though we freak out 😉

        Liked by 1 person

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