Life Hacks…Up Phlegm

This one trick will convince you that you’ve been reading posts wrong your whole life!

Hello dear reader(s)!

Hello not-so-dear reader(s).

I don’t really have any not-so-dear reader(s). Y’all are dear to me.  Y’all aren’t deer to me, however, unless your name is Bambi.  Then you are deer to me.  Or a stripper.  Either or.

As part of this here blog-type-thing’s never ending quest to educate, enlighten, and entertain you, my dear reader(s), the staff here at MyFridayBlog™ (I) have been scouring the globe because the globe is very dirty.  No, we (I) have been scouring the globe for the best tips and tricks to make your life run more smoothly.  As such, after a long and exhaustive search of roughly five minutes, the team (me) here at MyFridayBlog™ have assembled these amazing life hacks as a thank you to all of those who have supported this page to become the international juggernaut it is today.  These life hacks, exclusively available to subscribers (as well as anyone who happens to come across them, all of the people who read from my social media, and anyone else unfortunate enough to stumble onto them), are guaranteed to make your life amazing or you get a full refund of the $0.00 you paid for them.  I’m no expert, but that sounds like a great offer!

After reading these simple, and helpful tips, you’ll be wondering how you ever got by without them!

So, who’s ready to hack up a life?

  1. When watching a television commercial for a charity or hospital that benefits children, and they have the children read some script clearly written by adults in their little kid half-discernible baby-speak English begging you for money using words no child who can’t properly form words would ever know, much less say…resist the urge not to throw your television out of the window.  I know this seems counter-intuitive, but the amount of money you will save on replacement televisions will more than make up for the satisfaction you get from throwing your television, unless you happen to get lucky and hit one of the people who decided it would be a good idea to make those commercials with it.
  2. When upset with the city in which you live, maybe because they have practiced a growth at all costs philosophy with absolutely no planning whatsoever turning your fun city into a series of things you would like to do or see but decide not to because it is no longer worth the hassle of trying to get five fucking miles down the goddamn road and all the fucking people don’t know the basic way things work here now because they all came from fucking silicon valley and they are rapidly destroying all of the wonderful things that made this city attractive in the first place, just travel somewhere else.  Maybe take a trip to visit friends in Kansas City in less than two weeks.  Maybe go visit friends in Reno next month.   
  3. Tired of getting sauce from chicken wings all over you?  Don’t be!  Just have your partner lick it off of you as part of your kinky sex games that night.  Then you can eat chicken wings however the fuck you want to!
  4. Have a stubborn stain in a favorite article of clothing?  Don’t worry about it, just buy a new one!  Clothes are made in sweat shops now.  Unless it is some one-off designer piece of shit you paid out the ass for so you can feel better than everyone else with the clothes bought off the rack, you’ll probably spend less money to get the article of clothing replaced than you will on stain removers thanks to the wonders of child labor and lack of regulation!
  5. To keep from spilling drinks as you carry them, try being more careful, you fucking slob.  
  6. Boost your gas mileage by getting off your lazy ass and walking the five and a half feet to the store.  
  7. To keep food from spoiling, Tina, eat the food!   
  8. Pulled over?  Put the cop at ease by being a white woman!  
  9. Tired of political posts on your Facebook as if anyone is still really undecided and those who are will be swayed by logic?  So am I.  I’m fucking done. Seriously, does anyone have any ideas?  If people are going to support Mein Führer I know logic won’t sway them.  If they don’t know they need to resist Mein Führer then I know logic won’t sway them.  Please help me make it stop!  Please!!!  For the love of Josh, just stop.
  10. Have a bunch of wrapping paper that you need to store without getting it all messed up?  Just simply use gift bags from now on because wrapping paper is an unnecessary pain in the ass unless you are one of those weirdos who thinks that spending time on the floor trying to cover a mother fucking box full of thoughtful gift shit is important in showing you give a fuck about the recipient as if the goddamn gift you didn’t have to get for them isn’t enough, the greedy bastards.  Perhaps if I got a paper cut and included a spot of blood to show my sacrifice you would actually appreciate the gesture finally, or is that not good enough either?  What if I wrapped it in baby seal fur?  Would that suffice?  Nothing is ever good enough for you, is it?  I went to twelve fucking stores for this piece of shit.  Twelve.  And you’re bitching at me because I put it in a pretty bag with colored tissue paper?  What a spoiled brat you are!  I am taking the kids and going to my mother’s!  Don’t try to stop me!

We (Me) here at MyFridayBlog™ hope you can incorporate these amazing hacks into your life, and would love to hear any life hacks you may have in the comments, unless the hacking is of blood, phlegm, hairballs, or limbs.

 

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Author: Josh Wrenn

Cancer survivor, wanna-be artist, musician, author, and all around good guy.

6 thoughts on “Life Hacks…Up Phlegm”

  1. LOL, u’r a natural Josh, thx 4 the tips. Altho i have to question life hack #1, wouldn’t it be better to just smash the boob tube and not get a replacement? Think of all the stress being released as well! Honestly anything worth watching is via internet, who watches commercials anymore? 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Oh my. I keep tissue paper and tape in my trunk because bags cost too bloody much. I’ll be damned if Imma gift a $9 tee-shirt in a $6 bag. Jeez. How bout we get some child labor on the bags, y’all?!
    (I’m kidding about the child labor. Totally serious about tissue paper in my trunk though.)

    Here in the Midwest, we have acres and acres to spare. We’re bigger because we started as a circle in the center of the city and we just spread outwards and it’s hundreds of miles to any ‘shore.’ I fear that city planners weren’t thinkin about how you can only spread three ways when you’re on the ocean…Bad city planning hurts ma brain. Also, I like grids. If the roads are all windy-dindy, I ain’t stayin.

    Liked by 1 person

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