You know the day you died isn’t the worst one for me. One year ago today, that was the worst day of my life. To be completely honest, I can’t believe I am still here. A light shut off inside my heart that day, despite you telling me to not let it happen in our goodbye. I’m so glad you had that last little bit of clarity so that we could tell each other goodbye. I’m so glad you got to actually hear me and understand the words that I will love you forever, and ever, and always. I will keep the details of that goodbye between us, as I promised. Just know that I remember every word. Every detail. And it is the only thing that day that kept me from joining you.
Thank you for that.
The light is returning to my life. This year has been incredibly dark until fairly recently. There have been happy times, and fun times, but they were happy and fun in darkness. I even felt guilty when I would smile or laugh. I know you would not have been very happy about that, but I couldn’t exactly help it.
I’m not going to go into detail about how awful that day was. You know. I know. Instead I will look at that goodbye and think about how fortunate I am, that we got to say goodbye to each other as you knew you were leaving this world. It was not long after that when you slipped out for good. I will not think about the fear you must have felt, but I will instead think about the bravery you showed to me as I asked if you understood what everything I had just told you meant. I will think about the love you showed me as you told me what you want for me having to face this world without you.
And as things become happier once again, and light returns, I will feel grateful to you for making me stick around to see it. I will feel grateful to you for all you have done for me, and the person you helped to bring out in me.
I wish you could be here to see how I have survived. I wish you could be here to see how the people who love me have helped me so much. I wish you could see that I know that I am going to be okay, and even as these days bring the terrible memories of your loss, I can once again see the sun.
One year ago, the sunspots had faded. But one year ago, you helped me to hold on and believe they could return. That is how I choose to remember this day. And you were right, the light is coming back.
Thank you for what you said to me, to help me to get here to see it.
I will love you forever, and ever, and always. You will always be my Sweetness, my Bear, and my Hannah Girl.