Dearest Sweetness,

You know the day you died isn’t the worst one for me.  One year ago today, that was the worst day of my life.  To be completely honest, I can’t believe I am still here.  A light shut off inside my heart that day, despite you telling me to not let it happen in our goodbye.  I’m so glad you had that last little bit of clarity so that we could tell each other goodbye.  I’m so glad you got to actually hear me and understand the words that I will love you forever, and ever, and always.  I will keep the details of that goodbye between us, as I promised.  Just know that I remember every word.  Every detail.  And it is the only thing that day that kept me from joining you.

Thank you for that.

The light is returning to my life.  This year has been incredibly dark until fairly recently.  There have been happy times, and fun times, but they were happy and fun in darkness.  I even felt guilty when I would smile or laugh.  I know you would not have been very happy about that, but I couldn’t exactly help it.

I’m not going to go into detail about how awful that day was.  You know.  I know.  Instead I will look at that goodbye and think about how fortunate I am, that we got to say goodbye to each other as you knew you were leaving this world.  It was not long after that when you slipped out for good.  I will not think about the fear you must have felt, but I will instead think about the bravery you showed to me as I asked if you understood what everything I had just told you meant.  I will think about the love you showed me as you told me what you want for me having to face this world without you.

And as things become happier once again, and light returns, I will feel grateful to you for making me stick around to see it.  I will feel grateful to you for all you have done for me, and the person you helped to bring out in me.

I wish you could be here to see how I have survived.  I wish you could be here to see how the people who love me have helped me so much.  I wish you could see that I know that I am going to be okay, and even as these days bring the terrible memories of your loss, I can once again see the sun.

One year ago, the sunspots had faded.  But one year ago, you helped me to hold on and believe they could return.  That is how I choose to remember this day.   And you were right, the light is coming back.

Thank you for what you said to me, to help me to get here to see it.

I will love you forever, and ever, and always.  You will always be my Sweetness, my Bear, and my Hannah Girl.

Love always,

Your Mister



Author: Josh Wrenn

Cancer survivor, wanna-be artist, musician, author, and all around good guy.

34 thoughts on “Sweetness”

  1. It’s very hard to type through all these tears. I remember when this happened and you have shown amazing strength, Josh! One day at a time is how it goes, and thank you, as someone already said, for sharing this intimate moment. Your words convey so much. Hugs.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Josh, this is positively heart busting. So honest, raw, and true. I echo the hugs, and wish you more peace as you journey forward. You are amazingly strong, and putting these words here will surely help others experiencing a similar type of grief. My heart goes out to you. ❤ ❤ ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Hey there, I only had to read the very first sentence and I could feel your pain through your written words. I know loss and I know the pain that comes with it. People used to compare their loss with mine and I made a promise to myself that I would never do the same to you. We all experience pain and it is the courage that survives us. Congratulations on that because it is a sad fact that many do not. The first year is the most difficult, that is for sure, but time does not mean that the pain will diminish and I am sure that you know this. You are right that the goodbye was a blessing. I was not as fortunate with my loss. But again, I will not compare, and that does not make anything easier or less painful. Continue to grieve. Continue to write. I have also kept a journal specifically to write to my mother who passed away two years ago and it definitely makes me feel as if she is listening. Frankly, it just sucks that she isn’t speaking back. But you know this too.
    Good luck with everything.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Beautiful post, Josh. I’m glad you’re finding your way through the dark.. I can’t even begin to imagine what a journey this is for you (or for anyone who has suffered such a loss). *hugz*

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Dear Josh — I am uplifted by your words. I appreciate your truthfulness. What I am most thankful for is that Hannah loves you and that you love her. I am happy that you two were able to form that bond and that it remains strong. Thank you for continuing to live in love and hope. Thank you for your post.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Just got back from a memorial for the one-yr anniversary of a friend’s daughter’s passing. She left behind two teenage kids and a husband in the losing fight to brain cancer. So many people hurting. Am very glad to know you see the sun again. *squeeze hand*

    Liked by 1 person

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