All The News You Need

With no bitter aftertaste.

Hello dear reader(s)!

I know right now a lot of people are avoiding the news, and I can understand that.  As important as it is to stay engaged, sometimes you do need to step back and take care of yourself.  Unfortunately for you, I am still going to give you my thoughts on the most important stories currently taking place.  Maybe in the framing of such important discussions, we can better deal with the tragedies that seem to be happening all of the time lately.

Tragedies like the NFL deciding to put data chips in footballs to help improve accuracy in ball placement, as well as tracking the balls in extra point attempts and field goals since they are considering narrowing the uprights.  Now, I know this shocking, tragic news may be triggering for some people, so please take a moment if you need, to realize that you will be okay.  I think we need to start a hashtag movement as this will clearly take responsibilities from the referees and may lead to downsizing.  Additionally, narrowing the posts may make things look different than we are used to, and you know how well we handle change.  Obviously a liberal conspiracy.  #RefereesMatter #PrayForKickers

Or the tragedy of the new trend of adult summer camps.  Adults are going to summer camp.  They are trying to have fun.  And playing Pokemon Go.  What are they doing?  Don’t  they know life is supposed to be miserable?  What happened to our strong family value values of spending all of our time working until we retire and die?  Surely another liberal conspiracy.  #PrayForNoFun

Or the awful tragedy of Stenson winning the US Open, whatever that means.  Apparently it is a golf thing, which I am told is a game.  More adults having fun, apparently.  Travesty.  Another liberal conspiracy.  #GolfIsNotACrime #GolfIsNotInterestingToMeButISupoortYourGolfingRights

Tragic news seems to be all over the news lately.  Take revelations that Taylor Swift’s lawyer reportedly threatened Kanye West with criminal prosecution for secretly recording their phone call.  If Kaney West can record our calls, who else can?  How do we stay safe in this confusing world of technology, when everybody can just record something we say over the phone?  Stay tuned for our special report hosted by Fareed Zakaria:  Kanye, Why Does He Record Us, and How Do We Stay Safe? after this important message from our sponsors.  #FightTheKanyeState

Or the tragedy of Speaker of the House Paul Ryan.  Not for any real reason, just that this is the guy who is Speaker of the House.  That’s fucking tragic.  It’s possible to disagree with someone and still respect their integrity, but they have to have integrity in order to do that.  #PrayForIntegrity

Or the tragedy of poor, Chris Christie.  Errand boy for Donald, publicly made his bitch, and then passed over for a homophobic, regressive, extreme right-winger that shows Donald Trump’s campaign for what it is…a smelly, festering, shit-covered wad of TP.  #PrayForBitchBoy

Or the tragedy taking place in poor, poor Cleveland, OH.  A wonderfully diverse city, who just won a basketball championship, forced to now host the largest Nazi rally since the Nuremberg rally.  #PrayForCleveland

I apologize for making you reflect on these tragic events.  The only way we can change, is by acknowledging the problems.  It is in times of greatest tragedy, when we show the world who we really are.  We come together, and help each other.  Or we don’t, but we make symbolic showings of flags and singing on capitol steps.  You know, something like that.




Author: Josh Wrenn

Cancer survivor, wanna-be artist, musician, author, and all around good guy.

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