Hello dear reader(s)!
Sometimes things can really pile up and we all feel hopeless. What’s that? You have never felt that way? Okay, Dick Cheney, fine. Sometimes things can really pile up and most of us feel hopeless. The ones with hearts. And empathy. Not the sociopath war criminals, apparently, but I digress.
Today, is a day where if I did not have the friends and loved ones that I do, I am sure I would feel hopeless as well. Although Hannah had not yet gone to the hospital this time last year, we knew she would have to as of this day. I also lost a friend across the country, and found out why Hannah wasn’t doing well. All in all, really swell memories. If I didn’t have all the love and support that I do from all the people that I do, I am not sure I could make it through. But I do.
Right when Hannah died, a lot of people were doing their best to express that love and support but it was really hard for me to see at first. Some of my loved ones did a better job at expressing it than others, but I know that everyone’s hearts were in the right place. They helped me not to give up. I was loved.
But what about those times when you think nobody loves you? What about those times that everyone is silent when you really need someone? What about those times when you feel so unworthy love and it seems like everyone agrees with your feelings of unworthiness?
Well, you’re wrong.
I have had a couple of periods like that in my life. It seemed like nobody wanted anything to do with me. I wanted to give up on life. I hung on, hoping it would change, but at the time, I was so isolated and felt so unworthy of love that I really believed it didn’t matter if I kept going at those points in my life.
And I was wrong.
Gather ’round in your semi-circle, because teacher has a little story to tell.
Before my first, there was a girl. I was crazy for her. She was strong, and different, and odd, and I adored her. I was transitioning from my non-serious “going out” with girls for two weeks where we’d hold hands and maybe kiss to actual relationships to where you see each other all the time, it is more physical, and you are considering taking the next step. I wanted her to be my first. She wasn’t. Thinking back on it, it’s a good thing because she was younger and even though that age difference is nothing now, at that age it would’ve been awful to go that far.
I was at her house on New Year’s Eve, and was invited to stay the night. It was about 1 am on New Year’s when she broke up with me. In the middle of a huge snowstorm. I had to have my mom come and pick me up in her Geo Storm in feet of snow, which meant I had to wait awkwardly for my mom (who was understandably pissed) to come and pick me up. That girl told me she was seeing someone else and didn’t want to see my anymore. I held in my emotion as best as I could until my mom got there. Once I got in the car, I lost it, and cried and cried.
Between then and when I met my first, I was completely depressed and thought I was totally unworthy. I liked her a lot, and just did not think I was good enough to be loved.
When social media first got big, she requested me as a friend on MySpace. It had been like sixteen years, so of course I wasn’t holding grudges. She told me how that was a rough time in her life and she always appreciated the friendship I gave her. I thought that was nice and accepted her request. We’d talk about things, but it was pretty arms length. As everyone moved off MySpace to Facebook, I requested her as a friend in the migration.
Recently, she reached out to me.
It turns out, she did care about me. All along. I am not going to tell the story of what happened, because it is her story to tell, but the story she gave me back then wasn’t the truth, and she had a very good reason why she couldn’t continue with me. She cared about me all along. Even during the next time in my life when I thought nobody did. She loved me.
Of course, the nature of love is not always romantic. Each of us took different paths, and so that love became that of a friendship. But it is still love. She is married now to a really great person, and both her and her husband have become some of my better friends. We all talk almost all the time, and I am even looking forward to visiting them soon.
In talking with her, I have been able to learn that even in my worst times, when I thought nobody loved me at all, in any way, someone did. She has let me know that even in all the times I felt so unworthy of love that I still had it. So that whenever I feel lonely or unworthy I can look to that and know that someone, somewhere probably loves me, and just hasn’t really let me know for some reason or another.
It can’t be just me. If I can feel like nobody could or would love me, and be proven wrong…why couldn’t that be true for you? I bet someone you know is wishing right now they could let you know. And even if it isn’t the type of love you seek at that moment, I would be willing to bet that someone loves you, cares for you, and that you are worthy of it. In fact, I know it.
You matter. You are worthy. You are loved.
If you do feel so unworthy of love right now that you are thinking of giving up, please call 1-800-273-8255 and reach out to someone there who does know you are worthy and has been trained to help you to see that for yourself.