I wish I could fall asleep and wake up when this month is over. Things are actually going pretty well right now overall, and I am fairly happy in most aspects of life, but when I am still the memories of this month start to sneak their way in. I miss you every single second. No matter how much I love again, you will always be with me.
I am doing better at feeling less guilty for not knowing you had a problem. You were crafty, and I was sick a lot. I knew something was terribly wrong eventually, but you did a good job at keeping me in the dark. Which brings the anger.
I can let it go sometimes. I tell myself it wasn’t you, it was your addiction. But I wouldn’t accept being lied to about anything else throughout our entire relationship if it were blamed on an addiction, so why should I accept this? I do, because I love you unconditionally, and I can’t change anything now, but I have the right to my feelings of betrayal and anger. Doesn’t change how much I love you.
Your friends (and mine, thanks to you) have pictures of you and them as their Facebook profiles. I wonder if you understand why I can’t do that. I wonder if you know that I couldn’t even see a picture of you without crying my eyes out until very recently. I wonder if you know how it makes me feel knowing that so many people never even knew you. I wonder if you know how it makes me feel to know that I thought you let me see the sides of you that you didn’t show anyone else, but how much it hurts knowing you still held something back.
I wouldn’t think the time of year would have gotten to me like it is. I know when everything happened. But why am I feeling it all right now like it just happened? I’m on edge and it is probably coming through in all my interactions with everyone. Hopefully I don’t fuck up the connections I have tried so hard to build since you died.
I think you’d be proud of me. Things have been so hard. I have felt very alone, very overwhelmed, very hopeless, very isolated, and yet I have kept going and walking into everything with as open of a heart and mind as I can. I have made some really good friends and connections, and have even managed to have feelings for people again. I know you wanted that for me. I remember that stupid movie you loved, and how you told me that you wanted me to move on if anything ever happened to you. I thought you were absolutely insane at the time, but I also thought that we wouldn’t have had such a short time together or even that I would outlive you. I certainly didn’t think I would have so much of my life in front of me without you. At any rate, I will never move on, but I am doing everything I can to move forward.
You helped me to know I was loved for me. I’d never felt that before. It has done wonders for who I am. You have given me a bravery I never would have imagined having. Some people have let me know I should be who I am and not care what anyone else thinks, but you are the one who let me know that even when I do, someone will love me. I thank you for that. You have shown me what I will and will not accept from people, and have made me know what I want out of life and how much I am willing to risk to have it.
You also changed the way I view love. I thought you were the love of my life. I realize that you are a love my life. Not the love of my life. That is a very different shift in the way I view I things, and I think it is probably a healthier to way see it. It is actually somewhat freeing, knowing that there is all this space in my heart and knowing that just because someone is in it does not mean that someone can not have their own place in it.
So many people loved you so much. Some of the people who never met you in person even. One of our friends did a really touching tribute to you that I just think if you saw you’d do that thing where you are smiling so hard but trying not show it until you got home and cried happy tears like you used to do. I miss that smile so much.
I know that if you could read this, you would already know these things. I hope that in some way you do. Somehow. And even though I am writing this to you, I really think this is more for me to be able to put these feelings that all pop up randomly into words. Maybe it is also a way to warn those closest to me that I am a basket case right now and probably will be through at least the remainder of this month.
Or maybe I just felt that if I send this out to the universe then it can find its way to you so that you know I will always love you, no matter how mad at you I may be some days, and no matter what happens during the rest of my life.
I will love you forever, and ever, and always. You will always by my Sweetness, my Bear, and my Hannah Girl.
With all that I am,