Memories

He remembered the sideways light of the sun getting lower in the sky.  He remembered the way it seemed to illuminate her like a spotlight.

“I am so in love,” he told his best friend when he saw her for the first time.

“Dude, you’re always in love.  Besides, you have a girlfriend,” his friend replied as they eyed the two young women.

“Yeah, but this is…different,” he said, knowing that he had just set eyes on the woman who would define beauty and attraction for him for the rest of his life.

“But Jen is hot,” his friend told him as they got closer.

“But look at her,” was all he could say before having to stay quiet as they were approaching earshot.

They were standing in front of his friend Rachel’s house.  His friend Mike had a crush on Rachel, and at times Rachel returned Mike’s attraction.  This was one of those times.  In fact, they were headed to Rachel’s because Mike wanted to flirt with her and he only decided to go because Mike practically begged him.  He wasn’t really looking forward to their flirting as he would just be standing around twiddling his thumbs, but he also thought that maybe Rachel and Mike would actually get together so Mike would finally shut up about her.

He didn’t know Rachel had a friend over.

When he thinks back on it, he can’t remember why she was there.  He thinks her brother may have been dating Rachel’s older sister.  Or maybe her and Rachel met some other way.  He knew Rachel for years, and had never seen this lovely young woman before.  He might think to ask her sometime.

He broke up with his girlfriend the next chance he got, and after that they were always together.  He remembered meeting her at her locker.  They went to different schools, and he got out before her.  As soon as he was done, he would head to her school and wait for her right after class.  He remembered holding her hand, and being so happy in her presence.

He remembered her scent.  She smelled like baby powder and flowers.  He loved the feel of her porcelain skin as he would kiss her neck softly and breathe her in whenever they embraced.

He remembered the way she would kiss the back of his neck.  The shivers she could send throughout him.  Her touch was electric, not just to his body, but to his very soul.

He remembered the way she spoke to him.  Deep and poetic, aware of the strength of their love.  She had a deeper understanding of things than anyone he had ever met or would ever meet in his lifetime.  Their connection was immeasurable.

He remembered her kiss.  Her lips so soft.  She kissed him with both love and passion, and despite their young age, he had never been kissed better.  He remembered the kiss in the snow at night at the park.  The snow falling all around them.  He remembered telling her he loved her and knowing it was the truth.

But for years, he didn’t remember any of that.

All he could remember about her was the pain he felt when she told him she didn’t want to be with him anymore.

Twenty-four years later, he drove to pick his son up from soccer practice.  Apparently, his mother had not shown up again so it was dad to the rescue.  It made him so angry that she even wanted full custody considering how little she seemed to care about him.  He never let his son see how much he detested his mother, and even though he knew he could use the example in court during the upcoming custody appeal, he was still very upset his son was left alone.  He was a little glad to be picking him up, however.  Sure, he drove forty miles out of his way to get him, and his son was left alone, but at the very least he would get a chance to spend time with him, and maybe even take him for dinner and after-practice ice cream.

The sun was getting lower in the sky and cast a sideways light across the field as he walked to find his son.  He saw him at the far side of the pitch, standing with another boy from his team and…her.

His heart pounded in his chest as he approached.  Then some of the wonderful memories of her began to flood his senses.

“It’s you,” was all he could manage.

She didn’t say anything as a wave of emotion swept over her.  After what seemed like hours, she finally broke her gaze into his eyes and looked down at the two boys waiting and wondering what the hell the adults were they doing.

“Ian is yours?” she asked.

“Yes, but he lives with his mother,” he told her, trying to let her know definitively that he was available.  “Thank you for waiting here with him.”

“Of course, Xavier and him are best friends.  They are like brothers,” she told him.

He thought about the fact that she also had a son.  It must have shown up on his face.  He was searching his mind to find the right way to ask about Xavier’s father when she spoke again.

“Ian talks about his father all of the time.  He always talks about how great of a dad you are and how he wants to live with you.  I wish Xavier’s father had ever met him, or cared about him at all.”

They talked and decided to get dinner and ice cream.  They sat together and talked as they kept an eye on the playing children.   There was a lot of laughter and obvious love.  In a rare silence, he leaned in to kiss her, but she stopped him.

“I didn’t want to break up with you, back then,” she told him.

“Okay…” he said in a way prodding her to continue.

“My father found out about you.  He was a monster.  He made me leave you.  He said he’d kill you for dating me,” she told him.

“Yet here we are,” he smiled as he finished leaning in for their kiss.

In the next year, he would win custody of Ian.  Her and Xavier moved in after about eight months, and they married.  The happiness of their love unlocked all the memories that he had buried after the pain of the breakup.  As happy as he was to have those memories back, that happiness paled in comparison to how happy he felt knowing they had the rest of their lives to make more.

 

 

 

 

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The Answer Is

No carefully crafted image of a perfect life is able to hide the decaying soul you carry within.

No amount of makeup or designer clothes will hide the decomposition.

No car can give you the means to escape yourself.

No smile can hide the contempt you feel.

No act of compassion can hide your ulterior motives.

No silence can keep your secrets.

No number times you call me a friend will ever make it true.

No manipulation will ever allow you to control me.

No smile will ever hide your self-inflicted pain.

No wounds will ever make me want to heal you.

No pleas for attention will ever make me forget how often you took advantage of me.

No amount of apologies will make me reconsider.

No declarations of love will stop me from leaving.

No excuses will be accepted.

No good feelings remain.

No wishing you the best in life.

No.

We Were Friends

So I guess I should TRIGGER WARNING this puppy because this puppy is not a nice puppy.  More like a rabid puppy filled with evil.  A mean puppy.  

Remember when we were friends?  Those were good times, right?  Did you not enjoy talking to me?  It always seemed like you did.  What about those smiles, and the laughter?  Was that all fake?  Don’t think I haven’t noticed your silence toward me.  Is it because I am not after you anymore?  Forgive me for not wanting to be your back-up plan any longer.  You were given every opportunity, and you blew them all.

I get it.  He becomes a problem, so it is nice to talk to someone who treats you with respect.  Too bad that he still has his hooks in you.  What, did you think I don’t know?  Who the fuck do you think you are dealing with?  Answer me, when I’m talking to you.

That’s better.

Do you see how respectful I can treat you?  Don’t cry.  Don’t cry!  I didn’t hear you crying when I came to you and you weren’t there.  I didn’t hear you crying when you went back after he broke your leg.  Those were my tears!  But I didn’t sound like a sniveling fucking bitch like you.

Don’t look so fucking shocked.  That’s what you are.  No wonder he beat the shit out of you.  Who can blame him?  Shut your whore mouth before I shut it for you.  I thought he was the monster, but it is obviously you.  You are a cold and manipulative person, who likely drove him to break.

No, you can’t have your clothes.  The naked pictures you sent me clearly show you are comfortable displaying your body for me.  Why pretend to be modest now?  Why pretend to be innocent?  What would he think?  His precious little wife, the apple of his eye, rotten to the core.  Just a cock tease for anyone who shows her the slightest bit of attention when he isn’t.  I almost feel sorry for him.

Especially now that he is bleeding to death in the trunk of my car.

Are you really sure you want to be untied?  That’s what he asked for too.

That’s better.  Just lie back.  You need to this.  We were friends once.  You pretended to want more, now you are going to get more.   You still do want it.  I can tell.

Yes, let me just-  What the?  How did you get that around my neck?  I can’t breathe.  The rope!  I…can’t…But we were friends…

 

And this children, is why you never trust the nice ones.  Any questions?  

 

 

If You Try Sometimes

Hello Bernie or Buster(s)!

Did you really think primaries were democratic?

Of course the system is rigged.  Didn’t you already know that?  Bernie Sanders did.  He’d been talking about it for months.  So where were your protests while the voting was still going on?  Because guess what?

It’s too late now.  You have two choices.  Only two.  Jill Stein will not win.  Look at the polls.  Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton are the choices.  Bernie Sanders conceded.  He did.  Look it up.  There is nothing to be done now, except make you look all delusional.

I wanted the Democrats to choose Bernie Sanders.  I talked and talked about how much better I thought Bernie Sanders would be as President, and about how much more I like his consistent positions on the issues and his idealism.  I really, really wanted them to choose him.  I tried to get people to.  I talked about how the party was using the media, and the debate schedules to tip the scales for Clinton.

And yet, they were still able to tip the scales.  We didn’t need these fucking emails to tell us that the party elite wanted Clinton.  We needed the people to hear that and reject it.

BUT THEY DIDN’T.

This email leak is not news.  Parties select their nominees.  In a way, they have a right to.  It is their money, and their reputation on the line.  They work for the nominee, using the machinery they built.  We’re lucky we even get primaries.  The party sets rules for primaries, not the government.  The party wanted a tightly controlled poll.  A beauty contest.

Would Sanders have won in a regular election, without party interference, with open primaries?

Maybe.

But that’s not what this was.  And here is the part you may be missing…

SANDERS KNEW THAT GOING IN.

His hope, was that his message would resonate in such a way, that the people would reject the party preemptively choosing Clinton and give her such a defeat in the polls, that the party couldn’t ignore it.  His other hope, was that failing that, he would show the progressive wing of the party is a genuine force within the party, and must be considered.  He succeeded in the second goal unlike anyone ever has.

Throwing a fit at the convention after he already conceded does nobody any good.  Refusing to vote for Clinton does nobody any good.

The party’s primary didn’t take your democracy, party politics are not democratic, and never have been.  Ever.  And it is their party.  They don’t have to be.

So you can be butthurt about that all you want, but here is what happens if you do not vote for Clinton.

  • Trump is elected.  Jill Stein isn’t even on the ballot in all 50 states.  She has no organization and is not capable of getting the votes to change a thing.  85% of Sanders supporters intend to vote for Clinton.  Which leaves just 15% who will go to Stein or the libertarian.  Not 15% of voters.  15% of Sanders supporters.  Of which only 40% of the Democratic primary voters are.  Which is roughly 50% of the primary voters in all parties.  Meaning, in the general, you will have up to 15% of 40% of 50% for Stein.  You are throwing your vote away, or just using it for some notion of vengeance against Clinton.  But what will that vengeance get you?
  • You betray your LGBTQ friends.  Trump will appoint justices who will try to overturn the ruling on marriage equality, and allow discrimination using religion as an excuse.  Only Christianity, of course.
  • You make Mike Pence Vice President.  A champion of straight white male privilege.  Congratulations.
  • You betray the women you know.  Because when a party and their nominees specifically state they want to control women’s bodies, and you allow those people to run your government, you are responsible.
  • You kick millions of people off of healthcare.  The ADA is far from perfect.  But it is light-years better than what we had before.  We can tweak it some, but scrapping it altogether is the stated goal of the Republicans.
  • You create more terrorism.  We’re talking about a President who advocates torture.  This isn’t a fucking episode of 24, and Trump is not Jack Bauer.  It just is not effective and makes us even more hated.  I don’t even like Hillary Clinton’s interventionism, but if you think the Republicans wont be a lot more trigger happy, you obviously don’t pay attention.
  • You create more income inequality.  Trickle down doesn’t work.  There is a reason Bernie Sanders was so quick to capitulate and try to work with the Democrats.  They don’t have anything on him.  He’s clean.  He’s just terrified of a Trump presidency, as well he should be.  Do you think he doesn’t how disastrous it would be to elect Trump?
  • Etc…  Just look at the platform.  It is the opposite of the Democratic platform.  Will Clinton enact every piece of the platform?  No, obviously.  But with Clinton, we get incremental steps forward instead of a radical regression backward along with the loss of the progress for DECADES thanks to the Supreme Court.

Do you want to sacrifice MILLIONS of people because the party didn’t play fair?  Because you didn’t get everything you want?

Is that where you’re at, you spoiled, rotten children?

Debbie wouldn’t let me have the Ferrari and stuck with me a TESLA!  Whaaaaaah!   If I can’t have my Ferrari I hate this TESLA!!!!   I’ll just lie here and die instead.”

That is what you are doing.

This election is too important to hand it over to a madman because someone hurt your little feelings.  People’s lives are on the line, this isn’t a fucking episode of My Super Sweet 16.  

Progressives are gaining a foothold in government again.  There are many progressive candidates running for other offices in November.  If you hand the Presidency to Trump, they will have no ability to push their agenda whatsoever.

So take off your trilby that you mistakenly call a fedora, put down your signs, and work to ensure that Trump does not end the revolution Sanders helped create.

When Trump comes for the Immigrants, it will be on you.  When Pence allows homosexuals to be slaughtered, it will be on you.  When an ineffective and symbolically wrong wall is built and Mexico won’t pay for it, taking money away from things that actually matter as people starve and die of exposure, it will be on you.  When violence between races in encouraged by our government, it will be on you.  When violence is acceptable as the way to deal with political opposition, it will be on you.  How well do you think you will do with your progressive values in a fascist regime?

But I guess you should have gotten your way, huh?

Forever, And Ever, And Always

My Dearest Sweetness,

One year since you left.  Four since we were married.  Time only matters to mark when you left this world, it does not diminish my love for you.  I hope a part of you feels your remains drifting through the water, and on the shore of the place you most felt at home.  I know how much you loved it there, and it will always be your beach to me.

I stood on your bridge to watch the water disperse your ashes, and it struck me how unbelievable it is to me that someone so full of life could end up as a swirl in the water.  I kept half, like you asked, so that we may scatter them with your friends and family in the other place you asked to be.

It was a beautiful morning.  The marine layer was in, and it was empty.  It reminded me of escaping the condominium when I was sick in the mornings and just being together as I sipped my coffee and you sipped your chai, talking about life and love.  It’s been hot and sunny lately, but you would’ve loved this morning.

I remember standing across from you.  You in your white sundress, and me in the Hawaiian shirt and khakis since that is all we could find even close for the occasion.  I remember the flower in your hair.  You almost always had to have a flower in your hair.  I remember promising to love you forever and ever.  Death does not part us, and I love that we did not vow it.  Despite knowing that we were moving it up before I went in for cancer treatment, standing up and pledging my love to you in front of what friends and family we could gather with such short notice remains the highlight of my life.

I miss you terribly.  Not just today.  Not just this month.  Today is hard, but I miss you always.  I will love you until the end of time, and even after.  Happy anniversary, Bear.  I will love you forever, and ever, and always.

Hannah O’Brien
May 5th, 1984 – July 26th, 2015

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I Know

I notice patterns.  There is not much I do better than most people, but you should have known that particular thing about me.  I guess that is part of analyzing things to death.  In doing so, I see things the people who accept everything at face value might miss.

I know it was you.  I had known for a while, before I confronted you, but your denial confirmed it.  You had to know I would see.  Why would you let me see, without admitting to it?  Did you think I would be mad?  Did you think I would find it to be inappropriate?  Did you not realize how much I wanted it to be you?  How I would dream of it being you all of the time?  How your obsession with me feels like a dream come true?  Yet, you still tried to hide it.

In stopping it, or changing your method, you confirmed it was you.  I confronted no other.

Perhaps you didn’t think I would notice, but I think you are cunning enough to have considered that I would.  So the only other conclusion that can be drawn is that you want me to know.

But why?

If I didn’t want your attention, I have ways of preventing it.  If I thought you were improper, I would say so.  I did not.  I merely threw out that I had noticed, and was hoping you would take the bait.  You took it, and you let me see you were hooked on the line.

So why do you still not let me reel you in?

Why would you rather be on the line, dragged in my wake?  Let me pull you to me, if that is where you desire to be.

As you resist my attempts, I do not know if you want me to set you free, or to try harder to catch you.  I have cut the line before, and just when I think you have gone, you do something else to let me know you are there.  When you don’t respond, I think you want me to let you go.  But you never do go, do you?  No.  I know.

I know you asked for me.  I know, because I was asking for you at that same moment, that night, looking up at the sky.  I saw you, on the other side.  Looking up.  She showed you to me.  Did she show me to you?  Or was it you, who wanted me to see you?  Either way, I know.

I know you cried for me when I was captured by the enemy and was about to meet my fate.  I felt your tears from across the sky and they gave me the strength to break my restraints and escape.

I know you had that dream about us.  You know which one I am talking about.  I know you would be embarrassed if I were to go into detail, so I will spare you that.  But I know you dreamed it, and I know you pulled me into it.  I know the images of our bodies locked together in passion there in the falling snow still fill your mind, and I know they are filling your mind right now.

So why do you still hide?  I know it has been too long for it to be a game.  Are you afraid?  Do you think I will snare you in a trap?  I know you have been captured before.

I have no intentions of snaring you.  I am warrior, not a hunter.

I have nothing with which to trap you.  I do not carry the tools of a hunter.  I only have my desire to keep you wanting to stay with me.

Or maybe you are afraid I will see the sides you try to hide.  Maybe you fear I will see your demons and will run the other way.  Maybe you are worried I am too blinded by your light to know of the darkness within you.

But, my Goddess,

I know.

This is fiction.  Is there some basis in reality?  I know, do you? 

 

 

Sweetness

Dearest Sweetness,

You know the day you died isn’t the worst one for me.  One year ago today, that was the worst day of my life.  To be completely honest, I can’t believe I am still here.  A light shut off inside my heart that day, despite you telling me to not let it happen in our goodbye.  I’m so glad you had that last little bit of clarity so that we could tell each other goodbye.  I’m so glad you got to actually hear me and understand the words that I will love you forever, and ever, and always.  I will keep the details of that goodbye between us, as I promised.  Just know that I remember every word.  Every detail.  And it is the only thing that day that kept me from joining you.

Thank you for that.

The light is returning to my life.  This year has been incredibly dark until fairly recently.  There have been happy times, and fun times, but they were happy and fun in darkness.  I even felt guilty when I would smile or laugh.  I know you would not have been very happy about that, but I couldn’t exactly help it.

I’m not going to go into detail about how awful that day was.  You know.  I know.  Instead I will look at that goodbye and think about how fortunate I am, that we got to say goodbye to each other as you knew you were leaving this world.  It was not long after that when you slipped out for good.  I will not think about the fear you must have felt, but I will instead think about the bravery you showed to me as I asked if you understood what everything I had just told you meant.  I will think about the love you showed me as you told me what you want for me having to face this world without you.

And as things become happier once again, and light returns, I will feel grateful to you for making me stick around to see it.  I will feel grateful to you for all you have done for me, and the person you helped to bring out in me.

I wish you could be here to see how I have survived.  I wish you could be here to see how the people who love me have helped me so much.  I wish you could see that I know that I am going to be okay, and even as these days bring the terrible memories of your loss, I can once again see the sun.

One year ago, the sunspots had faded.  But one year ago, you helped me to hold on and believe they could return.  That is how I choose to remember this day.   And you were right, the light is coming back.

Thank you for what you said to me, to help me to get here to see it.

I will love you forever, and ever, and always.  You will always be my Sweetness, my Bear, and my Hannah Girl.

Love always,

Your Mister