Hello dear reader(s)!
Well, more like, “Screw you, science fiction writers and future predictors. Screw you scientific principles that prevent some of those things in science fiction from becoming reality.”
Here is a short list of things science fiction has promised us, that I am still waiting for. Any fucking time, science. Quit studying whether carbs make you fat for Dr. Oz for the millionth time and get on these things, will you?
- Transporters Because, duh. Oh sure, there is the question of whether or not you actually die and are reassembled with all your memories intact, and all the knowledge you are you, but are not actually you but another life that thinks it’s you. But that question exists for every time you wake up from sleep so I think I’ll just take the instant trip anywhere I want to go and let the particles fall where they may, thank you very much. That final new me, with all those memories of going places instantly, that final new me would have a pretty great little life. Worth it.
- Flying cars I’m just damn sick of traffic. Maybe we could, oh, I don’t know, start by getting a fucking light rail extension to all areas of town that need one before twenty fucking years go by! Maybe not take ten years to dig a tunnel nobody wanted. Work on flying cars in that time instead. It shouldn’t take twenty years to build a train line.
- Hoverboards The real ones. Back To The Future style. I won’t ride one. I can’t even ride a skateboard without breaking my ass. But it would be cool to watch the X Games with hoverboards, and wish I had the skill and dexterity to pull some of the things those people do as I shove a fist full of popcorn into my mouth and cry into my beer at my wasted potential.
- Robot maids No, the roomba is not Rosie. Where the hell is my Rosie? My fucking house is a mess, and I want a goddamn robot to clean it. Is that too much to ask, science? Get on it. Maybe she could be a little nicer. Rosie was kind of bitchy. Then again, I suppose she was kind of a slave, so I guess that’s justified.
- Jetsons food Only true fans of the show will know there were actually two unique ways of eating. There was the instant food machine, and then there were the food pills. I’d take either, if they left me feeling full and were properly nutritious. I like to cook, but there are so many days I could just push a button, like the days I end up calling for Chinese because I don’t feel like getting off the couch. In other words…today.
- Commonplace space travel More people travel between planets in some stories than people take road trips today. That sounds fun, provided your computer doesn’t decide to take over and try to kill you, Dave.
- Lasers that do more than point out things during boring meetings, entertain pets, or blind pilots when yielded by idiots who need to get the living crap kicked out of them. I’m just going to leave that there.
- Time travel Have you ever been waiting for something and just couldn’t? Wouldn’t it be nice to skip right to then? Some people would want to go back in time and change things. I want to skip past things to better things. Things that may or may not be on the near horizon.
- Easy replacement parts Cancer of the _____? No worries, we’ll just print/make new _____. Too much fatty food/other damage? Here’s a new heart. Too many drinks? Your new liver is right here. All rejection free, no risky surgery. Money back guarantee. Available with built-in Wi-Fi.
- Renewable energy The sad part is that this isn’t fiction. It is being deliberately suppressed by those who have a monetary interest in keeping things the way they are. If this one doesn’t change, we will never have the chance to see any of the things above come to reality, even if they are possible. We’re destroying our ability to exist, not because the science isn’t there, but because greed is too important.
So I lied. Not Screw You, Science…Screw You, Science Deniers!