On Sleep, Happiness, and Healing

Hello dear reader(s)!

I slept about nine whole hours last night.  It wasn’t from pure exhaustion, it was just nice and peaceful rest.  It’s been awhile.  In the winter, I was sleeping long hours, but there was nothing peaceful about it.  In the last little bit of time, a sense of peace has returned to my life and I am so happy.

I can listen to all of the songs again.  I might still tear up a little, but I can get through them without wanting to die.  I can see pictures and allow myself to have all of the memories.  I honestly didn’t know if I’d be able to.

And even though I’d always swore up and down that I would leave my heart open, I couldn’t…until very recently.

Even my health seems to be getting a bit better.  Yes, I know I was just recently in the hospital.  Yes, I know every time I say that something makes it known that I am still very much not better, but my energy level is slowly climbing back to the range of being human.  I was even feeling a little under the weather yesterday and completely shook it off by this morning.

Hearing the word “cancer” no longer breaks me.  I still fucking hate it.  I still have a ton of effects from it that will last forever.  I still feel for anyone dealing with it or its aftermath.  But I used to freeze.  I used to need to distract myself from it.  Not anymore.

Basically, I’m just in a really good state of mind right now.  I feel like I am healing.  The wounds are becoming scars that will still open from time to time, but they are no longer gaping and bleeding all over everything like a Quentin Tarantino flick.

Three years ago today, before I wrote this blog-type-thing for anyone but a few friends and family, I wrote a post begging to survive for Hannah.  When Hannah died, it felt like I died with her.  And then when I wanted to live, it was because I know she fought hard for me and I didn’t want to let her down by giving up after she was gone.

But now I want to live for me.  I want to live for the other people in my life.  I’m not living out of a sense of obligation anymore.  I’m living because I want to.

Life is good.  I have amazing people in my life.

I am sleeping, I am healing, and I am happy.

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Author: Josh Wrenn

Cancer survivor, wanna-be artist, musician, author, and all around good guy.

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