Hello dear reader(s)!
I slept about nine whole hours last night. It wasn’t from pure exhaustion, it was just nice and peaceful rest. It’s been awhile. In the winter, I was sleeping long hours, but there was nothing peaceful about it. In the last little bit of time, a sense of peace has returned to my life and I am so happy.
I can listen to all of the songs again. I might still tear up a little, but I can get through them without wanting to die. I can see pictures and allow myself to have all of the memories. I honestly didn’t know if I’d be able to.
And even though I’d always swore up and down that I would leave my heart open, I couldn’t…until very recently.
Even my health seems to be getting a bit better. Yes, I know I was just recently in the hospital. Yes, I know every time I say that something makes it known that I am still very much not better, but my energy level is slowly climbing back to the range of being human. I was even feeling a little under the weather yesterday and completely shook it off by this morning.
Hearing the word “cancer” no longer breaks me. I still fucking hate it. I still have a ton of effects from it that will last forever. I still feel for anyone dealing with it or its aftermath. But I used to freeze. I used to need to distract myself from it. Not anymore.
Basically, I’m just in a really good state of mind right now. I feel like I am healing. The wounds are becoming scars that will still open from time to time, but they are no longer gaping and bleeding all over everything like a Quentin Tarantino flick.
Three years ago today, before I wrote this blog-type-thing for anyone but a few friends and family, I wrote a post begging to survive for Hannah. When Hannah died, it felt like I died with her. And then when I wanted to live, it was because I know she fought hard for me and I didn’t want to let her down by giving up after she was gone.
But now I want to live for me. I want to live for the other people in my life. I’m not living out of a sense of obligation anymore. I’m living because I want to.
Life is good. I have amazing people in my life.
I am sleeping, I am healing, and I am happy.