From the 1996 archives…
Hello dear reader(s)!
10110001101010001101001011010 Do you know what that says in binary? Well, I don’t. It’s probably nonsense if it says anything. But that is not the point. The point, is to educate, enlighten and entertain, you, my dear reader(s) on the subject of the magical and brand new world of…
Specifically, the brand new invention that will revolutionize your life
“Oh. I think I’ve heard of the internet, tell me more!”
Well person who was frozen before 1990 and just now thawed out. According to Senator Ted Stevens, the internet is a series of tubes!
“A series of tubes? I’m listening…”
Yes, a series of tubes that connect your computer to other computers. Allowing amazing and wonderful things to take place you would never have imagined.
“Really? Like what?”
Well, how about…
- Porn And not just any porn, internet porn. Have you always thought you were pretty kinky? Well, then you have not been on the internet. If you’ve ever felt any guilt for the things that excite you, the internet will take care of that instantly!
- Harassment Do you feel like you’re not being threatened enough? Has it been more than a week before someone has told you needed to be raped? Or your mom? Well, just come to the comments section of any internet news story, and you’ll get all the harassment you can handle. And then some!
- Identity Theft With the convenience of internet banking, you can do almost all your banking online. With the convenience of malware and phishing scams, hackers can steal your information and money no matter how careful you are thanks to some idiot employee of one of the many companies you deal with that must keep all your personal information! They can take your entire identity and possibly even give you a criminal record for things you have never even done!
- Envy If you’re not feeling great about yourself and where you are in life, just get on the internet and feel even worse! Look at all your successful friends with their happy families and their new toys and wonder how you got to where you are as a tear silently streams down onto your keyboard or touchscreen. Stare at the pictures of that girl you loved with her new life as you wait for the sweet kiss of death to take away your pain! With the internet, there is no limit to the amount of envy you can feel.
- Misattributed Quote Memes “Ask not what your country can do for you, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best.” – Frederick Douglas
- Celebrity Gossip Why have your own life when you can read and learn about the details of other people’s lives? With the internet, no more standing in the supermarket checkout trying not to get caught looking at the cover of a tabloid to see if Brad and Jen really are getting back together, no now you can sneak looks on your own computer screen and quickly collapse the window when someone walks into the room. For more on window collapsing when people walk into the room, see the bullet “Porn.”
Seriously though, as bad as some of the bad things about the internet are, there are a million more great things. Blogs like to bash social media, the internet, and technology in general; conveniently ignoring they are using those very things to get their work viewed. For every negative thing the internet has produced, there are thousands if not millions of greater things it has allowed for. But those great things usually go unnoticed. It is a great microcosm for all of society. We really have to force ourselves to appreciate the miracle of the everyday things that do go right.
And it isn’t just the little things on the internet. Some of the things are truly profound. Knowledge is no longer only accessible to people who have been to a university. Online dating has allowed people to find each other and start many real and lasting relationships. Having a WordPress page has allowed me to becoming blog-buddies with some pretty cool people. It has also helped me not to go insane when I just have to say something but screaming in it a shopping mall would get me arrested and taken away in a straight jacket. I’ve been able to show people what I am looking at in the moment, if there is something I just wish they were there for.
The internet connects us. There are scholars, psychologists, and journalists who insist that it actually keeps us from being connected, but I think those people are studying people who can not use it properly.
I think about my most trusted friends. Most of them are people I may have met years ago, but reconnected with after years apart thanks to the social media (like the cancer, or the marijuanas). If not for the internet, many of them would have drifted out of my life, never to return. I think about the things I have learned. About others, about myself, and about the world thanks to the internet. I think about the people I met online at first. Some good, some bad, but all helped shape me. I think about the people who sent me the pictures of themselves in the “Team Josh” shirts for me to see on my darkest days in the hospital. And I am right now thinking about the people who let me know I am loved when I wasn’t feeling worthy of it.
So, if you’re going to write a serious post or “news story” about the problems with technology and specifically the internet, I have a tip you:
- Find a quill
- Find a scroll
- Make some ink
- Using the quill, write your bitchy piece on the scroll.
- Roll it up on the scroll.
- Shove the scroll up your ass.