Why I Do Not Feel Bad For Celebrating

Hello dear reader(s)!

In my country of the United States of America (not to be confused with America, which is one of two continents), it is Memorial Day.  Memorial Day is a day we are to honor and remember all the people who fell in service to our country.

My relationship with the military is complex, but my relationship with the majority of people who joined it and are at the rank and file levels is definitely not.  Regardless of how I think they have been misused, I appreciate their willingness to possibly sacrifice everything for us.

And look what we have because of them!

So when I see posts all over Facebook and all over other social media saying that this day isn’t about the beach or barbecues or fun in the sun…I respectfully ask them not to tell me how to honor people.

Because for me it is.

When Hannah died, I was not ready to have her memorial right away.  I think it was just over two weeks later.  There is a reason for that.  She felt the same I way I did about it all.

While I’m sure she knew her loss would be mourned, she thought it was much more important that her life was celebrated.  So we took the time to gather ourselves and attempt to celebrate her life.  Were there tears?  Of course!  Were we all mourning her loss?  Yes, we are not heartless bastards.  But there was laughter, funny stories, and happy memories shared too.  It was fucking beautiful, and I know she would have been happy with it.

So back to Memorial Day.  When the brave people stormed the beaches in France, do you think they did it so their loved ones at home could sit around solemnly and mourn their loss once a year?  I’m guessing the answer to that is “No.”

They did it for them.  For all of us.  So we could live happy lives free from the kind of tyrannical, fascist, despotic leader we are in danger of electing.  They did it to stand up for those who would be marginalized in a divided society, so that we could all live happily in peace and prosperity at home.

Sometimes I think we are so hung up on the fact that they sacrificed, that we lose sight of why they did it.

If you need to mourn on this day, I will not judge you.  Especially if you have a personal connection.

But don’t judge me for celebrating their sacrifice by taking advantage of what it allowed.

And don’t judge me for worrying that we are undoing it by allowing Donald Trump anywhere near the presidency.


So Much To Say

Hello dear reader(s)!

Right now, I am going through something that can only be described as the opposite of writer’s block.  I have so many things I want to write.  Things that are already written in my head that I am dying to put down.

This isn’t the first time.  A while ago I had many ideas about what to post but didn’t want to offend others in my life with my words or their possible interpretation.

This time isn’t like that though, but still not everything is for public consumption.

I suppose I could fictionalize things, but I am worried it will still be too transparent.  Even if I threw in enough weird details and bizarre plot points, I have a feeling I won’t be able to mask that it is indeed, very real.

So this very short post is basically to ask for the advice of my dear reader(s) who also write.  Has this ever happened to you?  What did you do about it?  How do you handle it?

Any help would be greatly appreciated.  In the meantime, don’t be offended if you see more posts of things like political opinions and stuff that doesn’t reside too far within me.

Important Life Lessons

Hello my dear reader(s)!

My Dobson is home and doing well.  We have to give him twice daily pills, but otherwise it is like he never got sick.  This whole experience has taught me very valuable lessons, or helped me to remember some of the ones I had previously forgotten.  With that in mind, in order to educate, enlighten, and entertain you, my dear reader(s), I will now share some of them with you because you can’t stop me unless you just stop reading but then you wouldn’t be dear reader(s) at that time, now would you?  Nanny nanny billy goats!

  1. Get pet insurance  If you have pets.  If you don’t, I suppose there is no good reason for this.  You can if you really want to, but at that point you likely have too much money and should think about donating some of it to charity or something rather than wasting it on a pet insurance policy for pets you don’t have.  Emergency vet bills have practically tripled since the last time I needed to take an animal to an emergency vet.  It was worth every penny, but I am not exactly feeling happy about the financial implications of this transaction.  What we should do, is be voting for politicians who want to make universal pet healthcare a right.  You know, after they finally realize it should be for people.
  2. Show your love  I didn’t really need this reminder, but some of you probably do.  I will however say, that I am less hesitant to tell Dobson to either lay down or get the fuck off my lap since he has returned.  You don’t ever want the last thing you say to a soul you love to be something pissy.  Unless pissy is their name or something weird like that.  But why would you name a soul pissy?  Well, people named their kid North West, so I guess it is what it is.
  3. Appreciate those who love you  It’s easy to be there for someone when they are all sunshine and rainbows.  When things are fun, everyone wants to be a part of it.  But sometimes things are shit and you need someone who wants to wade through the fly covered swirling mass of excrement with you.  When those people present themselves, let them know how much it means to you.  Try not to show your appreciation with unsolicited naked photos.
  4. Make sure to make your cat a burrito  If you do not, they will slip out of the bottom of the towel when trying to shove the pills into their mouth.
  5. Take some “you” time  Sometimes you just need to withdraw during times of stress and masturbate be alone.  Do not feel bad or guilty about this.  You have to take care of yourself so you are well enough to take care of others.  Your true friends will join in understand.
  6. Get plenty of rest  You will be tempted to not sleep in case you get a phone call that makes you need to rush down to the vet at any hour.  But if you do not sleep, should that 3 am phone call come (not the nuke phone call, that’s different), you need to be rested enough to actually make it to the vet’s in one piece.  Plus it will prevent you from the constant spinning thoughts of worry that suck every last drop of happiness from your life that you can’t fully be present in because you just can’t stand what might happen so you pick at your skin and pull your hair and grind your teeth down to little nubs as you shake uncontrollably and oh my god, they’re coming to get me.
  7. Eat  Eating can help release stress-relieving endorphins that can help relive your stress by acting on the stress-relieving endorphin receptors in your stressed out brain thereby releasing some of your stress through the power of stress-relieving endorphins.  Mmmm, doughnut.  Stress-Relieving Endorphin flavored doughnut.
  8. Exercise  Because too many stress-relieving endorphin doughnuts will actually cause stress on your body rather than relieve it without mitigating some of that stress-relieving calorie intake.  Exercise has also been shown to release stress-relieving endorphins.  For a great stress stress-relieving exercise program, see #5.
  9. Laugh  Sometimes in the middle of a stressful situation, you can lose sight of the fact that life isn’t all one big grey cloud of suck.  Laughter can help you remember.  While not the best medicine, it is complimentary to many other medications that are good when specifically indicated for the ailment you intend to treat.  Side effects of laughter include dry mouth, watery eyes, inability to control facial muscles, abdominal contractions, and weird noises.  With laughter, you can get back to you again.  Ask your doctor is laughter right for you.
  10. Cry  It’s okay.  Not everything is funny.  Not everything is easy.  You can cry sometimes.  You are not less of a person for being vulnerable on occasion.  Cry, get it out, and then suck it up, buttercup, and fight through.  Whiner.

These valuable life lessons have been brought to you be Dobson, multi thousand dollar vet bills, good friends, good family, and the letters F & U.

Hope you all have a great Sunday.

Looking Good!

Hello dear reader(s)!

I got a call from the vet (not the kind who served our country in the military) and my Dobson is going great!  They have been able to reduce the amount of oxygen he needs and he is eating like a champ.  They are awaiting the cytology this afternoon, but I think they already have their minds up that it won’t be too bad, and as well as he is doing now they are even talking about weaning him off the oxygen either today or tomorrow and getting him home with whatever medication and recommendations they need to send along.

So yeah.

I’m not allowed to say to I’m happy this morning, with that news, because I’m not about jinx things again.

But let’s just say I am not having a bad day.  I won’t say it is a good day.  Can’t read my, can’t read my, no you can’t read my poker face.

And I call, asshole.

So today I will mostly be by the house, in case I get the call to go bring my Dobson home.  If I do go anywhere it might be to the park by the house, and to the store by the house, and possibly the hill by the house to attempt to do hill sprints by the house.  Close to home regardless so I can run and get my kitty should he come home today!

Piedmont is doing well without him here, but is following me around quite a bit more than usual.

Thank you every one of my reader(s) who left such kind comments on my freak-out post yesterday.

Thank you to my friends who not only listened to my incessant whining but whined along with me until I needed happy things to be said to take me out of my fears.

It’s cold today.  And windy.  It is because it is Memorial Day Weekend.  Nice weather on Memorial Day Weekend is a class A felony in 30 states and all US territories.  I have no big Memorial Day plans, but I will probably be thankful for the people who fought for some kind of freedom for me, or at least were under the illusion they were but were so tragically misused.

And I will hopefully be snuggling my kitty!

What about you, dear reader(s)?  Any exciting and/or amazing plans for the weekend?

What a Difference a Day Makes


Remember that post I wrote yesterday?  About how I had a good feeling about things and really felt happy and at peace?

Yeah, well, apparently that is not allowed because later in the day my Dobson started being lethargic and then breathing heavy.  He refused his dinner and we took him to the emergency vet.

They did x-rays and he has cloudy lungs.  It could be any number of things.  His white cells are not elevated, in fact, his labs are pretty good, so they are not sure if it’s an infection or something else.  He spent the night in an oxygen kennel at that vet and seems to be comfortable inside with the oxygen running.  His breathing is still distressed outside it.

They want to do a bronchial lavage, so they had me move him this morning to a larger and better equipped veterinarian.  They are very confident that he’ll be alright during that procedure, and they are less confident, but still more confident than not, that it will give us the answers we need to find out what the hell is going on.

Needless to say, this is a bloody fortune, but if there is a good chance that treatment will allow him to be okay with a good quality of life, then treatment it is.  Even if I have to beg, borrow (already am borrowing for it) or steal (not literally, please don’t report me, I have enough worries right now).

Dobson is a member of my family.  Hannah and I brought him and Piedmont home 6 years ago this month (although they were born in March) to the first place we got together as a couple.  Him, his sister, and I have been through plenty, and they are more special to me than the vast majority of people I know.  I understand they have shorter life spans than humans, but he’s only 6 and this is so sudden.  I hope with everything I am that he will be okay.  I’m not ready to lose another part of my family.

I am kind of a wreck right now.  Probably not the most fun person to be around.  For my friends, I am sorry if I am a Debbie Downer, but if you can’t understand then you can’t understand me.  I know you all probably do though.

Please keep us in your thoughts and/or prayers if you’re the praying type.  I need my good boy to come home.

Piedmont and Dobson as kitties in our first place together. Learning the ways of the Scottish fighters.


Piedmont and Dobson 023
He would always do this as a kitten when I got home from work.

On Sleep, Happiness, and Healing

Hello dear reader(s)!

I slept about nine whole hours last night.  It wasn’t from pure exhaustion, it was just nice and peaceful rest.  It’s been awhile.  In the winter, I was sleeping long hours, but there was nothing peaceful about it.  In the last little bit of time, a sense of peace has returned to my life and I am so happy.

I can listen to all of the songs again.  I might still tear up a little, but I can get through them without wanting to die.  I can see pictures and allow myself to have all of the memories.  I honestly didn’t know if I’d be able to.

And even though I’d always swore up and down that I would leave my heart open, I couldn’t…until very recently.

Even my health seems to be getting a bit better.  Yes, I know I was just recently in the hospital.  Yes, I know every time I say that something makes it known that I am still very much not better, but my energy level is slowly climbing back to the range of being human.  I was even feeling a little under the weather yesterday and completely shook it off by this morning.

Hearing the word “cancer” no longer breaks me.  I still fucking hate it.  I still have a ton of effects from it that will last forever.  I still feel for anyone dealing with it or its aftermath.  But I used to freeze.  I used to need to distract myself from it.  Not anymore.

Basically, I’m just in a really good state of mind right now.  I feel like I am healing.  The wounds are becoming scars that will still open from time to time, but they are no longer gaping and bleeding all over everything like a Quentin Tarantino flick.

Three years ago today, before I wrote this blog-type-thing for anyone but a few friends and family, I wrote a post begging to survive for Hannah.  When Hannah died, it felt like I died with her.  And then when I wanted to live, it was because I know she fought hard for me and I didn’t want to let her down by giving up after she was gone.

But now I want to live for me.  I want to live for the other people in my life.  I’m not living out of a sense of obligation anymore.  I’m living because I want to.

Life is good.  I have amazing people in my life.

I am sleeping, I am healing, and I am happy.