Hello dear reader(s)!
Don’t worry, this isn’t really a political post. Well, it sort of is, because I do talk about politics in it a little. Well, not really politics, but politicians. Well, okay, then I guess you can call part of it a political post. Well, kind of, because I won’t be posting anything about political philosophy or positions. Well, that’s not really true, because I will be posting about how out-of-touch these pandering politicians are. Well, and I might mention how I think we should quit falling for their lousy attempts at pandering. Well, so I guess this is a little political, but only a little. Well, let’s just get started, and limits the “well”s.
Because, you see, all politicians pander. Because it works. And that’s okay. Because there is more that unites than divides us. I know. You see it in the faces of the people when you travel all around the nation campaigning as I have. You see it in YourShitTown, and over down at SomeLocalCoffeeShop. You hear it from the hard-working Americans who just want to take care of their families. In fact, when I was in NearbyShitTown I met little Tommy Johnson whose mother had been laid off by the steel mill which closed and for which I blame everyone but myself. And do you know what he told me? He told me, “I wish I was old enough to vote for you because I know that you would miraculously make the mill reopen.”
Well, little Tommy, I promise, when I’m elected, I will make the mill reopen! I will make all the mills reopen!
And I’ve seen it in the face of Jane Doe from OtherNearybyShitTown. Jane is waitress who serves the best darn LocalFavortieFood you can find. (Wait for cheers from those who believe knowing what food your area likes makes you seem familiar.) And I eat mine DifferentFromTheWayTheOtherCandidateAteTheirsInAnUnpopularWay! And Jane said to me, you know, ever since the other party gained control of whatever branch of government they control, business is bad because people just can’t afford to come and get that local food.
Well, Jane, don’t worry. When I’m elected, you’re going to be so busy serving LocalFavoriteFood that you will need to buy more comfortable shoes with all that money you are making!
I know times are tough. But I also know the good people of YourShitState have the will and the drive to make it better. You just need someone in office working for you, instead of for the other people we are all beholden to. You need someone who will fight for Tommy, and for Jane. You need people who will work to support good people like YourShittyLocalSamePartyMostLikelyCorruptPolitician! You need someone who will help you have something worth working hard for! You need someone who will help the good people of OtherNearbyShitTown, NearbyShitTown, YourShitTown, YourShitState, and all of America!
This has been a grueling campaign. I want to congratulate my opponent for helping make me a better candidate. I want to thank him or her for bringing to light some very important issues and having the courage to change the conversation around this campaign. Never mind that just yesterday I was calling him or her the worst thing to happen to this country since slavery in private and having my surrogates try to smear him or her. Do not pay attention to the fact that I would love to murder him or her in their sleep but am pretending to like them because I need their supporters who I also smeared! I like that person suddenly! Because even though I wish that person had never been born, I think you’ll see there is much more that unites us than divides us!
As grueling as this campaign has been, I can not give up. Why would I want to when there are such great people like you cheering for me on camera? It is you, the wonderful people of YourShitTown that makes it all worth it. So, from the bottom of my heart, I thank you for paving the way for my rightful ascension. After this speech, when I go home and watch my favorite sport that is popular here, I will be thinking of all of you wonderful people and all of you have done to help with this coronation.
So vote for me, because even where basketball rings are different sizes, they are all basketball rings!
Why, America? Why do we fall for this shit? And how can people who can’t even do that right still have supporters?