Hello dear reader(s)!
As regular reader(s) of this here blog-type-thing may or may not be aware, I am unable to work due to my many ongoing and annoying AF health issues. Living off of disability can be quite the struggle and leads to abject poverty. (I have been longing for the chance to use abject in one of my posts, and there it is.) Hopefully we can get rid of the immediate issues and come up with a plan to end this purgatory, but until then, I will just have to live in this sea of abject abjectness.
As such, I have, with the help of the outstanding research team here at MyFridayBlog™ (me), come up with exclusive never before seen strategies to make your half-dollar go further than you ever could have possibly imagined unless you have imagined sending your half-dollar to space or something odd like that in which case, bravo. You win, okay? We get it, you sent your half-dollar further. What do you want, a medal? It is bad enough you could afford to send your half-dollar to space, now you want to rub it in? Kick a man when he is down and living in abject poverty?
Nevertheless, out of pure generosity, I have decided to offer my exclusive poor people tips to you. You can use these tips to either save your half-dollar or make it go further. I ask that you only use these tips if you are poor. This is the honor system, which likely means plenty of the richest people are going to use these tips as those people have no honor. For the rest of you, please, do not use these tips and ruin it for those of us living in the abjectness.
So it is with pleasure and happiness, and a side of thriftiness that I present to you my exclusive tips for those of us currently suffering from the poor, in all its abjectness.
- Do Not Eat Ramen. Well, not processed Ramen, anyway. Yes, Ramen packets are cheap, but they are loaded with sodium and will just make you hungrier later. In addition, the money saved will eventually need to be quadrupled and then spent on a trip to the emergency room.
- Date Someone Who Does Not Always Expect You To Pay. Going Dutch is one of the best contributions the Dutch have made to the world. Forget their contributions in cartography, art, multinational corporations, democratic socialism, cocoa powder, etc… Going Dutch on a date is the best thing ever when you are poor. Also, equality.
- Make you own food as much as possible. You pay a lot for the service of someone else making your food for you. If you are capable, make your own damn food most of the time. You will probably make it better anyway, unless it is something fancy, or you are out on a Dutch date. Also, health.
- Follow the law. If you are poor, a fine can ruin your life. You might even end up in prison as debtor’s jail becomes increasingly common as municipalities seek to fund keep their funding on fines and lousy financing. Then when you can’t pay, you go to jail, which costs them more money, they try to bill you for. Then when you can’t pay for that, you go back. Rinse and repeat. Also, laws.
- Use a network re-seller for your cell service. Wayyyy cheaper. Same networks. No contracts. No supporting the stupid ad campaigns of the terrible major mobile companies. Also, fuck you AT&T girl. Fuck you, Ricky Gervais. Fuck you, um…T Mobile person?? Fuck you, does Sprint still exist?
- If you live in a major city, attempt to utilize public transportation as much as possible. If you are living in as much abject poverty as those of us who live in that abject poverty and its abjectness, you may even qualify for discounted rates for the transportation that is public. Also, environment. Also, parking. Also, that idiot in the Audi who likes to run that stop sign near you and almost hit your Beastess. Also, gas. Also, traffic.
- Be a roommate. Because there is no way possible those of us in abject poverty could live on our own, no matter now “affordable” they claim the slums that have miles long waiting lists to be. Be sure to date someone who has their own place, or find a roommate who is gone often. Also, two people usually don’t use twice the utilities. Also, shared Netflix, HBO Go, etc…
- Remember your abject poverty is not as abject as some people’s abject poverty. Remembering to be thankful for the things you do have, and to remember that even though you have little, some have much less or none at all, will help you to save money by not engaging in retail therapy. Also, regular therapy is expensive. Also, antidepressants are expensive.
- Use protection. Babies are expensive. And annoying. Even if you are likely incapable of having children, use protection anyway. Treating sexually transmitted diseases is expensive. And likely annoying. Like children. Children are sexually transmitted diseases. Also, yes, even your children.
- Do not bet on Arsenal to win the Premiere League, or for the Houston Rockets to make it out of the first round of the NBA Playoffs. Because Arsenal is mathematically eliminated, and because Houston just does not want to win at all if the 2nd half of today’s game is any indication.
So there you have it, my tips for those of us who are poor. Any tips to save money or make your your money go further? Feel free to leave them in the comments. Free of charge.