My New Recipe

Hello dear reader(s)!

I know that yesterday I said I was going to write some fiction, but I have since decided I would like to share a wonderful new creation  with you.

I was hungry yesterday, but didn’t have much to make.  I didn’t feel like going to the store.  I was also having company over to watch the sporting type games.  I needed snacks to go with the eight kegs and to keep my guests entertained.  What could I do?

I went to my pantry, and dug around for things I could whip up.  Unfortunately, there was not much whipable contents.  No cream, or cream-like products because I was looking in my pantry.  You can’t really whip things you keep in your pantry, and if you can, that would be pretty gross and you might want to clean out your pantry.  Why would you even think otherwise?  You disappoint me.

Anyway, I looked into my pantry to find something good.

There was some salt.  Some pepper.  Some Italian seasoned breadcrumbs.

Sounded like nothing I could whip something up from.

I thought about things that would be whipped up, and decided to check in my refrigerator.  I looked all around the shelves for something whipable.  I was out of milk.  I was out of cream.  I couldn’t find anything.

So instead I started just looking for something I could make.  Fuck whipping.  I don’t need to whip something up, I just need to make it.  The whipping will be reserved for later, if you’re not a good girl.

I dug through and found a package of mozzarella, an egg, and some ranch dressing.

“I know exactly what I can make for the party!” I shouted at the voices in my head.  “Ranch balls!”

And so I made the ranch balls.  They were a hit.  My guests were eating them, and dipping them in more ranch.  So much ranch that it ran down their chins!

Now I will share this wonderful recipe with you, my dear reader(s).

Ranch Balls

You will need:

  • A baking sheet
  • a couple of bowls
  • A melon baller
  • Soft mozzarella, not shredded
  • One egg
  • Italian seasoned bread crumbs
  • Salt
  • Pepper


  • In one bowl, combine breadcrums, and salt & pepper to taste.
  • In another bowl, combine one egg, and about 1 1/2 cup ranch dressing.
  • Using melon baller, begin making small balls of mozzarella just like you were making melon balls.
  • Dip the balls first in the ranch/egg mixture, then roll them in the breadcrumbs/salt/pepper mixture until thoroughly coated.
  • Place the balls on the baking sheet about an inch apart.
  • Put the balls in the freezer for about an hour.
  • Pre-heat oven to 375º Faherenheit.
  • Take balls from freezer directly to oven.
  • Bake for 25-30 minutes or until golden brown.
  • Allow to cool slightly.
  • Serve with extra ranch dressing.
  • Enjoy!

Your guests will be delighted by your glorious ranch balls!  Who doesn’t love ranch balls?  Nobody I want to know, anyway.  Cheesy, ranchy, ranch balls!

I have no picture of the finished product.  I’m sorry, they were consumed too fast.

Featured image by Whitney from Chicago, IL (Ranch Dressing  Uploaded by Diádoco) [CC BY 2.0 (, via Wikimedia Commons



Author: Josh Wrenn

Cancer survivor, wanna-be artist, musician, author, and all around good guy.

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