Hello dear reader(s)!
I rarely watch television. I will occasionally watch a soccer game. I will occasionally watch the local news. Aside from that, I am pretty much a book and interwebs type of guy. Unfortunately, even the tiny amount of television I do happen to see is filled with ads.
For me, some ads are so annoying that I would not ever do business with the companies making them. Some people boycott for social causes, and I can understand that. Some people won’t do business with companies because of their quality or prices, and I can understand that too. I use both those reasons when determining who to give my business to and who not to; but for me, bad ads are probably the main factor. There are enough annoying things in life, I don’t need it to break up my entertainment too.
So with that in mind, in this here blog-type-thing’s never-ending quest to educate, enlighten, and entertain you, my dear reader(s), I present my worst advertising offenders.
Tech ads There is an Intel ad running currently that is so annoying I want to only shop for computers with inferior chips. And I just don’t care, it is that bad! All tech ads are bad. Heavily stylized, not at all about the actual product, and have a sort of superiority complex. There is usually classical music involved (which is normally fine, but not in this case) and images of all these happy, good looking people having a great time in the most colorful world imaginable…unless it is Apple in which case it is in black and white because that somehow makes Apple products look good enough to be worth the huge prices and lack of universal chargers. I mean, chargers, Apple. Really? Go put on your black turtle necks worship your cardboard Steve cutouts. Tech ads are made as if their target customer isn’t some loser jerking off to net porn on one screen while playing Call Of Duty on the other in his parents’ basement.
Papa John’s. Pizza ads are never good, but Papa John’s ads are the worst of the worst. As if the company’s treatment of their employees wasn’t bad enough, the ads are just terrible. And guess what asshole, I would’ve paid another dime for your shitty-ass pizza if it meant your employee wouldn’t have to die in the lobby of an emergency room because he didn’t have insurance. Cock. I hope you choke on your fucking cardboard, you piece of shit. I hope your huge mansion explodes in a fucking gas leak and blows up your insurance card and when you go to the hospital they don’t let you in because you can’t fucking talk and are unrecognizable due to the burns and you die because they think you don’t have insurance and don’t know you could pay cash. Cock. Or I hope you have a fucking heart attack from your better ingredients. Also, fuck your dual ads with the NFL. They have their own ads. Cock.
Beats. No, this isn’t about Cam Newton. I don’t give a rat’s fuck about whether Cam hurts people’s wittwe feewings. So don’t think this is a Cam Newton hate fest. In order to hate him, I’d have to give a shit, and I don’t. This also isn’t about Beats just not being that good for the price. Am I Consumer Reports? No. If people want to spend lots of money for a name like the Apple fanboys do, more power to them. Nope, this has nothing to do with that. It is that the ad is played ALL THE FUCKING TIME. For the amount of time I watch television, I shouldn’t have had to see the commercial a million times! Spread that shit out! Maybe it’ll help you break out of the one demographic you can get to buy your overpriced crap.
Audi. There is an ad for the Q7, which I guess is a vehicle of some kind, possibly manufactured somewhere in space if you believe the idiot and seriously paranoid kid on the commercial. Beyond making fun of this kid’s likely mental disorder, this particular ad is terribly offensive for the last portion, in which the kid is walking along a wooded road (no sidewalk) and an Audi comes FLYING out of the fog around the bend whizzing past the paranoid kid further reinforcing said kid’s paranoid delusions of alien Audis. Although, in this case, the only thing paranoid about the shocked kid is the alien thing, because he should have pissed his fucking pants when the moron in the Audi came flying out of the fog around a bend on a two lane road like that. No wonder people who drive Audis drive like they think they are invincible, their ads have people driving at high speed through super dense fog on a bendy narrow highway! Can you say pile up? Lucky that kid is not a blood spatter right now. Now, if you want to make a good commercial about the scary possibly alien Audi, make it run down Papa John.
Any prescription drug ad ever. Unlike my last little rants, this one is completely serious. Fuck direct to consumer ads for things that should be carefully prescribed by a doctor. When a doctor diagnoses you with something, you ask, “Is there something we can do to treat or cure it?” Then your doctor can tell you what they think would work for you. That is how health care should work. It should not work by you seeing something on television for a set of things they have classified as a disorder that might just be part of the discomfort of being human or the side effects from the last drug you asked your doctor about and then asking your doctor about a specific drug that will in turn cause more side effects that you’ll ask your doctor about a drug to help with down the line. This is a serious issue in healthcare and even the AMA hates it.
Furniture store ads. Shout at me one more time, motherfuckers! Guess what Mor, we know your sale won’t just be this Friday, Saturday, and Sunday because we all know YOU ALWAYS FUCKING EXTEND THEM! We also don’t need the same information repeated at volume a million times. You know what would make a good commercial? One of your crappy couches with Papa John sitting on it getting hit by a flying, possibly alien Audi!
Any ad for any company or product made ever. Especially if it is at all associated with Papa John. Seriously, that guy is like the pharma douche of pizza.