The Weekend

She couldn’t believe what she heard.  The newscaster said that the week was coming to an end.  In a panic, she grabbed her phone and dialed her mother.

“Hello?” her mom answered.

“Mom, it’s me, Jenny McCarthy!” Jenny told her mom.

“I know your last name dear,” Jenny’s mom said to her daughter.

“Listen mom, there is no time for that right now.  I need to see you.  I need to see you before it is over!”

“Before what is over?” Jenny’s mom inquired.

“The week!  Are you home?” Jenny asked.

“Yeah, we’re home, but wha-”

Jenny hung up the phone and grabbed her keys to her car that was gluten free and free of toxic chemicals that could possibly cause autism.  She ran out the front door of her house with the wood floors that had been treated with formaldehyde as wood floors often are but have low enough levels that it is deemed safe by the government.

She pressed the button on her keychain that is made of chemical-free plastic to unlock her organic door and hopped in the car.  She started the engine which definitely is not toxic to anyone and is not shown to cause any issues.  She drove away from her house and toward that of her mom’s.

Her mom greeted her out front as she was watering the lawn.  Jenny ran up crying.

“Jenny, why are you crying?” her mom asked her.

“The week, the week is coming to an end!” Jenny sobbed.

“And?”

“How could you not care?  I get it, your life is already over.  But what about me and my formerly autistic baby who we cured by giving chelation agents to despite the fact that chelation drugs are very dangerous in and of themselves and there is also no proof that my baby was cured!” Jenny cried to her mother.

“What about you two?  It’s a fucking weekend, they happen all the time.” Jenny’s mother attempted to explain.

“That’s what the government wants you to believe, mother.  I can’t believe they’ve gotten to you too!  I mean, oh sure, there might have been a weekend that killed the dinosaurs if you believe those were real.  I read something on the internet that said they weren’t though and you know if it is online it must be true!” Jenny retorted.

“You’re a fucking idiot!  How did anyone even let you on Oprah?  What the hell was she thinking?” her mother asked her.

“Tits get ratings?” she asked her mother.

“Well, I guess you do know one or two things,” her mother sighed.

They walked in the house, that definitely had no traces of anything that may be harmful to people in larger amounts than what would be found in a house.  Meanwhile, it was nearing midnight on Friday in their time zone.  The weekend was definitely near.

“Jenny…if the weekend means the actual end, how come we haven’t heard anything about the East Coast being destroyed?” her mother asked her.

“Duh, mom!” Jenny started, “Maybe because it is over there and it is already the end so they can’t report on it!”

Jenny’s mother slapped Jenny and told her she was going to go upstairs and go to bed.  She walked up the stairs and at the top called out to her daughter, “See you tomorrow!”

“There is no tomorrow!” Jenny yelled.  “It’s the weekend!”

Jenny sat for a minute, terrified.  She wondered what she could do.  Maybe somehow she could prevent the weekend and all of the suffering that it would cause!  It would be too late for the East Coast, but perhaps she could warn people about the dangers of calendars and tracking days to prevent the weekend.  She could warn about all of the neurotoxins found in calendars and calendar apps.  She took a deep breath and picked up her phone.

“Alrighty then!” Jim answered.

“Hi Jim, it’s Jenny.”

“You…you broke my heart,” Jim said quietly.

“Look, I don’t have time to dredge up the past.  The week, it is ending!” Jenny cried.

“What?” Jim asked.

“The week is ending!” Jenny began. “I heard it on the news!”

“Thimerosal!” Jim shouted.  “It has to be!”

“We don’t have much time.  We need to get onto Oprah to let the world know to stop using dangerous calendars and other chemical-laden day tracking devices!” Jenny said.  “I could use your help,” she added.

“I understand.  I know a primarily physical comedian’s opinion is so highly valued on issues of public health and safety that it would definitely be important.  If it is for the good of the people, and gets me closer to your tits, I will do it!” Jim told her.

At 11:58, Oprah broke in to regular broadcast television with a live special featuring Jenny and Jim.  They told the world of the coming weekend.  They succeeded in getting just a large enough group of people to stop tracking the days in order to cause problems.  They were convinced they stopped the weekend, despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary.  When challenged, they dismissed their opponents as paid shills for the Big Cale, the name they had given to the calendar industry.

They lived blissfully ever after in their ignorance.

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Author: Josh Wrenn

Cancer survivor, wanna-be artist, musician, author, and all around good guy.

29 thoughts on “The Weekend”

  1. I’ve never been able to equate this one question with any rationality: If it’s true, even the tiniest bit, HOW is having a child who’s seriously ill or dead better than having one who has autism?!? I have neuro-atypical children, but they’re ALIVE, and they protect the herd.
    (That’s hard to type. I hope no one comes blaring at me with arguments. I don’t think I can cope today. lol)

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Well, 1) it isn’t true and there isn’t one single credible piece of evidence to suggest otherwise. There is more to say antidepressants taken during pregnancy may be linked, and even that is mostly just correlation which is not equal to causation. 2) I imagine it may be more difficult for some to deal with, both parents and children alike. But worse? Nah, just different. Better than your little brat giving measles to someone who does not have the immune system to fight it off. Not YOUR little brat, you know what I mean. 🙂

      Liked by 2 people

      1. I do. Half my little brats have inflammatory responses to vaccines, like their mother, but we get them because LIFE IS GOOD!
        I don’t think it’s true, either, but even if one does, wouldn’t it be better to have an autistic child than a dead one? I cannot wrap my mind around it.

        Liked by 2 people

  2. Holy fuck, the week ended?! I’m gonna grab a kale shake and rescue a dolphin if there’s still time before the sky starts falling!

    P.S. I’m gonna start a new calendar. And every month will be a curseword, every day of the week a vulgar body part. Yeah. I’m about to be rich. Don’t steal it!

    Liked by 1 person

      1. omg, Stephell,
        stop acting like you would even know what testes sound like when your first retort was to CORRECT THE SPELLING during the innuendo banter.
        Oh, wait. You were probably talking about the Dolphin’s testes, weren’t you. My bad.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Cheeky – I thought he misspelled it on purpose, so I kicked it up a notch! 😀

        As for dolphin testes, I wonder if they’re big enough to make hot air balloons out of. But that would upset ole Jenny up there.

        Like

      1. Aww, man, that’s no tattoo job! I used to watch that stupid show just to wait for the moment when she would break down in blubbering gratitude to Jee-zus and her layers of mascara, eye shadow, muck, and mud would all pour down her cheeks as she grabbed her criminal husband’s sleeve and drew him onto her knees, uh, I mean HIS knees…fuck, I can’t seem to get this right.

        However, between The Comb Over and the cast of thousands of other clowns, I think Tammy Faye would win the heart of the voting public. Even more than Dolly Parton, who actually WOULD make a good President, because she really does have brains.

        I guess she did get tattoos though, when she got sick and also did not need to do that particular drama anymore. I just looked through a visual history of Tammy Faye and tried to snag a snap of her with mascara streaming down her face, but couldn’t pull it off. Meh.

        Liked by 1 person

  3. jocularity, jocularity! reality is… vaccines do help some and harm others. we’re not clones, a few are susceptible to side effects like autism, but the majority are just fine. it’s a personal choice, i’d advise ppl to do their own research and decide what’s best for them and their children. the medical establishment is for profit, so i’m wary that their studies are biased. all public schools mandate childhood vaccinations, so i don’t see how a parent can get around that unless they choose to homeschool.

    Like

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